Last post of the year

I am writing this at 11:30pm whilst in the bath. I am spending the last hours of 2011 on my own. In fact I have been on my own since 9pm as both the girls have gone away for the evening. The manipulating ***** and my husband are partying at a fancy dress party. That says it all really. I did get a couple of kind invites to folks houses but somehow I just didn't feel like being with people tonight. I did spend an hour on a virtual new years eve party called at shaker and spoke to some strangers in the USA. I made one female friend :-) I haven't had any alcohol - don't feel like it so have just eaten a plate of oven chips and had a cup of tea. Now I'm off to bed. I think this is the first time in my life that I have been on my own on new years eve :-( I thought I would recap as much of the last year as I can.... Bad : The manipulating ***** luring my husband away from me My husband falling for it and going Ups and downs with my daughter Car problems , expensive ones Cat fleas leading to have to delta the whole house Heating breaking down Drain pipe getting blocked and flooding the utility room Too many strategic programmes at work super stressing me - worst I have experienced in my life Health - bloating ( still unresolved), knees causing problems, bad back Having to give up being a school governor after 20 years Insensitive folk at my theatre group Losing my faith and leaving church and all I was involved in No one to share all this with Good : Having two wonderful daughters His family being understanding My wonderful friends - I don't know how I would have got through this year without them My daughter graduating Passing my psychology module exam - a miracle ! a lovely holiday with one friend and then a super fun weekend with others Meeting some lovely new ladies on holiday and at my ou residential Getting my old boss back in the new year and passing one of the strategic programmes on Singing solo at a show for sheltered housing and being told I did it well - some of my singing confidence has come back There are probably things I have forgotten ..... What will 2012 bring - who knows but I hope it's better than the last year. Happy new year to anyone reading this x

Christmas musings

Its the day after Boxing day and I've managed to get through the last few days. But despite my wonderful family and friends making sure I'm OK, I've felt so lonely inside.I still feel empty and that there is something missing in my life.

Christmas Eve was spent with my girls and my eldest's boyfriend. We had a lovely meal together and opened some presents. They then went out for the evening and I went to my local pub where the karaoke was going on. A friend who has also split up with their partner this year came along and we chatted for the evening - it was nice to have someone to talk to.

Christmas Day my girls and I went to the in laws. My husband was there for some of the time but left before lunch was served. Everything was 'as normal' but it felt very odd having my husband and I giving separate presents to everyone. Being completely unattached - it hurt..... We stayed till early evening and then came home and played on the Wii whilst drinking Champagne. However neither of the girls or I drink much so we just had a glass each. We played Just Dance 2 and I discovered I had real problems breathing. I've got a cough and am wheezing when exerting myself  - again not good.... I'm so unfit.... something to do something about in 2012.

Boxing Day the girls and I had our own Christmas meal. I felt pretty rough - the bloating feeling again so had to just chill for a while before going out to spend the evening with some great friends. We chatted, played games and ate. It was lovely.

Today is a chill day - doing not very much. Not an easy thing for me to do. I stayed in bed watching a video till 2pm - found that quite hard !

Strangely enough the one thing I actually did enjoy doing was feeding a friends cats on Christmas Day and Boxing Day morning. I guess it made me feel wanted......something I don't feel most of the time.

No excitement at all

Well its the day before Christmas Eve. I usually love Christmas but have just been going through the motions this year. I've been on my own quite a lot this week and the mind keeps wandering again and tears flowing. Why can't it even start to feel better ?

Today has been busy doing the housework, shopping delivered, present wrapping, ironing and so on. I didn't sit down till around 6pm. I have been feeling really tired the last few days - I was going to the pub tonight but really can't be bothered :-(

The good news is I had my scan first thing this morning and the technician said she couldn't see anything amiss. So good there is nothing major - not so good as the bloating is still unexplained - probably stress.....

My daughters car is still being fixed, we won't get it back till after Christmas now. Its going to be a huge bill - I don't know if I made the right decision. Its hard not having someone to make these kind of decisions with. I asked a load of friends after the event and had mixed responses. I'm beginning to think we should have scrapped it and bought another - I guess I'll have to put that down to experience - an expensive mistake :-(

My knee which was so painful at the beginning of the week is much better but still not completely better. I hope by resting it, it will improve further.

Only nine more days till 2012 - I am hoping and trying to work out how I can make it a better year for me....

Ouch in more ways than one

Well so it goes on. Had a bit of a downer again today. Started off in good spirits but I seem to have done something to the back of my knee. It is so painful and I can't bend it. I took my car in for it's mot and service and the water pump bearings have gone so had to leave the car to have it fixed tomorrow. That'll be another £250 before Christmas :-( luckily they had a courtesy car for me to use which is actually a rather nice car - may consider changing my car to it in a year or two - more economical and nippy. Anyhow I decided to post the neighbours Xmas cards and one of the neighbours whom I haven't spoken to since it all happened came to the door and asked how I was doing. I just burst into tears. Why can't I move on ? My husband then dropped by to put up the external Xmas lights. He again mentioned that he had no money. I asked if she was working and surprise surprise she is not. He said that if she was earning then they have to have their benefits stopped and reassessed which would mean they would be weeks without money. What a stupid excuse ! She doesn't want to work..... I had to make a comment about the fact that she in particular was taking the **** . I am so not feeling Christmassy and fear I won't :-( I want to go to the midnight mass on Christmas eve but know I couldn't get through it without crying. At the moment I have no idea what I will be doing on Christmas eve when the girls go out nor on New years eve. Hopefully something will come up. Please please let 2012 be a better year......

What a week that was ..........

So much has happened since I last posted. My daughter had an accident in her car last Sunday in the early hours but didn't tell me till she got up mid afternoon. After a good friend came around to have a look we took it to quik fit only to discover that it was not safe to drive. She had bent the wishbone and damaged the sub frame. It is going to cost 2500 pounds to fix. It was so hard to decide what to do on my own. It is an old car but I only recently had to get all the brakes done. Do I scrap it and go for another car or do I get it fixed ? I've gone with getting it fixed - but have I made the right decision? I had to get my husband involved as my daughter was giving me a hard time about scrapping it.

On Tuesday my boss decided to slag me off in front of my peers when he thought I wasn't on the telephone. I got an apologetic voice message from him but his behaviour was out of order. And then I had a wierd end of year review with him talking more about my past work rather than working with him. Thankfully I am moving back to the team and boss I was with before and one of the programmes ( the one the difficult boss was sponsoring) has been passed to someone else, so I can now concentrate on just the two strategic programmes.

Then on weds I discovered that the cats had fleas. I'm bitten all over and because of that and my daughters car I haven't been eating or sleeping properly :-( I've spent today stripping the beds and de flea ing the house. But I'm sitting in bed and I'm still itching. I hope that it is psychological and not fleas who have survived....... My back is killing me due to he work involved. I'm not convinced the flea stuff has actually eliminated the fleas from our black cat :-( so they are currently banned from my room.

Thursday I sang solo for the first time in a little show a few of us did for a sheltered housing place. Apparently I did ok !

Today I got back late after helping and participating in a FUNd raising evening with the theatre group. I think we raised nearly £2000.

The gils put up the tree and decorated it. They have gone for a white and silver scheme.

Finally I got my blood tests back on tuesday - all was ok bar the glucose and they had forgotten to do the CA125 so I have to go back next week. I have my scan on Friday and then have a octors appt mid jan.

Please let 2012 be a better year ! I am officially off work now till jan, but have to work on tuesday....

Got a busy week planned next week - I hope it's a better one !

An eventful couple of days

The last couple of days have been stressful but with good news at the end. 

Yesterday I got in from work and discovered the house freezing cold. The heating was not working and all the radiators were stone cold. After a lot of fiddling with the thermostat and timer I had no luck so got our tiny heater out and put it on to try and warm the house up. On top of that the internet was not working :-(

So I was on the phone to British gas homecare and managed to arrange to get the engineer over this afternoon. Unfortunately I had a friends leaving lunch between 12 and 2 and the engineer was due to come from 12.  One of my very good friends offered to come and sit in the house so I could attend the meal - how kind. Anyhow I called British Gas back this morning and a very nice man arranged to have the engineer come after 1, so I managed to get to most of the meal.  I accidently left the heating switched on last night and woke up this morning to a warm house.......at some point last night the heating came on, that was so odd. The engineer came and put a new value in which apparently was not working properly. So fingers crossed it is fixed.

With the internet after a call to virgin media to reset the IP address, I had to reset the wireless modem to its factory settings and do a bit of fiddling and thankfully got it working again.

I went to give blood this morning and will get the results next week - I hope all is ok.....

I had a lovely lunch with my friend (and other work colleagues) who didn't know about my situation - so once again I had to hold it together when explaining. Whilst I am getting better I still have to fight back the tears. She thought it would take around two years to get over the emotional aspects. When talking to her I realised it has been a year since he told me he was leaving me and I'm still an emotional wreck :-(

And then when back from lunch I got a ping from an OU friend to say that our results were up. Tentatively I went to my record and was gobsmacked to find out that I had passed ! I cried with relief. I didn't get as good a mark as I was hoping to get, but I was closer than I expected and didn't just get a pass. I have no idea how this happened!!!

So now I am sitting here in a warm house with the internet and relieved to know I have passed my exam - what a difference a day can make !

Oh and I forgot to mention in my last post that I managed to smack my eye with the edge of the car door leaving me with a cut and bruised eye - ouch.

I am a failure

Well my boss told me on Friday that someone else is going to pick up one of the strategic programmes I am currently running. I have a sense of relief but also failure. I like a challenge and feel like I have been unsuccessful. Is that true or was I put into a difficult situation ? Whilst it was flattering to be the only one with two strategic programmes plus the Olympic work it was never realistic for anyone to manage all three. I wonder if my management will see that or just think I failed? So now what ? Well I still have the Olympic work and an interesting programme to run so hopefully that will mean I can go back to working more sensible hours after christmas. I will probably also go back to my old boss and team.

What a crap year this has been all around. I hope that I can move on in 2012 and start to enjoy my life again.

I went to the doctors and have a fasting blood test next week. I am also waiting for an appointment for a scan. I'm a bit scared in case they find something,,,,,

Only two weeks at work nd then a long needed break for two weeks. I can't wait !

I think I need to try and spend some time clearing some stuff out of the house.

My exam result is due in the next two weeks. I'm dreading that as I think I have failed and will have to resist next year. Will just be the final straw in one of the worst years of my life. I've not had anyone to discuss the work thing with. I miss that :-(

Am I being too reasonable ?

I forgot to mention when I posted the other day that the Doctor said to me that sometimes being reasonable is not the best thing to do. She thinks I am too reasonable - am I ?

Its only just over a week until it will be a year since he told me he was leaving me.

My daughters have both been to lunch with him recently and he asked for more ideas for xmas presents for them as he said he wanted to show he still cares about them. Whilst he is their dad and I am glad that they are talking to him now I kind of feel betrayed. I find it really hard when folk are friendly and chatty with him. I know I said I wanted that - but it hurts so much. Makes me feel so much more lonely. I almost feel betrayed. I don't want folk to fall out with him - but it feels like he has it all again and I am still sad and suffering. I know it is unreasonable and I shouldn't think like that. I think I shall eventually become a recluse as it will be less painful.

Random thoughts

My mind wanders at funny times and just did while changing the bed linen..... Firstly I tend to sleep only on one side of the bed despite having a king size all to myself. So every time I change the bed linen I thnk about the wasted effort putting pillow cases on the pillows on his side of the bed. They are untouched ! Secondly I was reflecting on the Murder on the Nile play I watched last night and the dialogue at the beginning about how one woman had stole another's away from her. It went on to say how weak he was and so on. It very much resonated with me. I wonder if it did for him ?

Work, friends and sad times

So what kind of a week have I had so far ? Most of it has been work with me working late most days. I had a lovely evening at some friends on Monday. I really did have a fab evening. I must work out how to do that more often. Sadly work and life gets in the way. Thursday was spent on the bar at the theatre group with another good friend. I have some wonderful friends - I feel so privileged to have such kind friends. And boy do I need them ! My husband came to see the show when I was on the bar. I still find it hard when I see him, especially down at the theatre group as that was such a big part of our joint lives. I don't know how to talk to him when there. I guess I'm scared that if we are too friendly people will think I have got over him and moved on which would be so far away from the truth. At the end of the evening he came to talk to me about Xmas presents for the girls and we had a long look into each others eyes. He then sat down on his own to drink his drink and looked so lonely. I felt sorry for him - it hurt so much :-( A friend said to me that it is said that it takes half the time you were in a relationship with someone to really get over them. That'll be 15 years for me then..... I finally went to the doctors today about the bloating I have been having. As I was talking to her I burst into tears. She told me that it is not surprising that I am down. It was not depression but something to be expected in the circumstances. I now have a blood test booked and an appointment for a scan to come. If it can just put my mind at rest that would be good. Oh well let's see what the weekend brings. I have my street tap class to look forward to on Sunday but otherwise just catching up. I'm finding I need the downtime more and more now - must be getting old :-(

Its been a while!

Oh my goodness I hadn't realised how long it has been since I wrote anything. So what has happened since I last blogged ?

My birthday came and went. I had some lovely presents from my daughters and friends and from my husband..... The day was quiet but I did go for a massage and for a meal in the evening to which some of my friends came along to. It was a lovely evening :-) I unfortunately had to get up early though to take my daughter to work because her car handbrake had a problem. We called the AA in the next day and they thought it just needed adjusting. However it turned out that all the brakes needed replacing. That made a £662 dent in my credit card. I had to ask my husband to help her sort it out as she needed to go to the garage with it whilst I was in the US. That was a challenge as I had to pay over the phone from the US.

The last week I was in the US travelling on business. Whilst the week was OK it was very tiring with one of the days me getting up at 4am to attend a 5am teleconference and then go into the office at 7am. I didn't get to bed till around 11pm. I found it hard to get out of bed this morning because of the jetlag..... Only four more weeks at work and then I get two weeks off - I can't wait !!!!!!! I really need to start to sort through things and get rid of some stuff. I did do my wardrobe and took over his wardrobe for my summer clothes. To do that I had to clear the rest of his stuff out. I asked him what he wanted me to do with it - he seemed a bit surprised but came and collected the bag as well as his Father Christmas outfit. I shall miss him doing that - I was always so proud of him being Santa.

When on the plane on the way back I watched the film Bridesmaids. The girl in it that was getting married, to me, looked like the manipulating *****. That didn't help me on the journey as my mind started to do the wander again. I felt so sad again.

I went to my street tap class again today and really enjoyed it. Its good to get some exercise while enjoying it :-) I will probably ache tomorrow! And I've signed up for my next OU course which starts in January.

I do still feel very lonely. Even though the girls are here they are often in and out and I'm on my own. I still miss having someone I can talk to about the day and how I'm finding things difficult.

One of the school governors popped around to say hello and see how I was this afternoon - that was nice of him.

And I've started the Christmas present buying. I really didn't know what to buy him - anyhow I have bought some things and can't not give him anything on the day.

I visited my mother in law yesterday and told her I still missed him and would have him back. Anyhow time for bed now - I'll try and not leave it too long till the next post.

Coming out of the depths of depression

At last I feel like I am coming out of the last few very very depressing weeks. It was so bad at times I started to plan how I could end it all. However I couldn't find a way to do it so that either a member of the public or my girls would have to find me and thus affecting them psychologically. Anyhow the last few days I have started to feel a little more like myself. I finally had something positive happen at work on Thursday - and I have some wonderful friends - I really don't know how I would manage without them. I still can't bring myself to just call when I feel down as I don't like to bother people. 

I had a really surreal experience yesterday. I was working from home when the doorbell rang. It was my husband all cheery and with some bags but as I was working and on the phone I had to say I needed to get back. However from the corner of my eye I could see that he had taken his coat off and had wondered into the kitchen and was doing something in there. For one moment it felt like everything had been a big nightmare and it was back to 'normal'.  Anyhow I went into the kitchen and he was unpacking the bags he had. He had brought me a whole load of my favourite German foods and a birthday present (my birthday is next week). I was speechless ! Talk about mixed messages. I didn't know what to say and the tears started to roll after he siad - don't start crying. He told me it was for my birthday as he knows I don't bother with getting things for myself. Considering he is short of money and he only gave our daughter £20 for her birthday this week and I didn't give  him a birthday present - I now feel very guilty. He has a knack of doing this to me :-( What am I supposed to do ??

I had a lovely evening yesterday with friends, probably the best evening I have had for a long time. 

I also love my hairstylist. She has recently been through a breakup with her boyfriend of some years. But she is such a strong young lady with a very mature head. She and my friends have been saying that my husband is doing these things for a number of reasons - guilt, keeping his option opens and so on. I don't believe he is deliberately doing thus - he isn't thinking what he is doing. My hairstylist quite rightly said to me that I wouldn't think he can do anything wrong. 

It is ten months now and I would still have him back. 

Not a good week so far

I'm so glad it is Friday tomorrow as I have not had a good week. Monday was the start of the Music Hall which a friend and I are supposed to be directing. I say supposed as everyone was giving us 'advise' and being totally selfish and opinionated. I threw a complete wobbly and left. That is not something I would normally do but I couldn't bear it anymore. I felt down already and this was just the final straw. A couple of good friends tried to help and it was good to talk, but I still feel down about it especially as one individual did insist on continuing to give 'advise' on Wednesday at our next rehearsal. Rightly or wrongly with the mood I am in I was not ready to listen and in fact it led me to be more stubborn about what we wanted to do. I know that is not the right attitude and in fact it is again out of character for me - but I've had enough..... my emotions are running high again.

Today I decided to catch up on a couple of back episodes of Casualty. I sat and cried through them both - there were so many reminders of things in my life particularly to do with my faith or rather the fact I don't have any, any more.

My youngest daughter almost gave me a counselling session this evening. We were doing some icing of cup cakes together for a fund raiser on Saturday when we got talking and she quite rightly told me I was miserable and needed to find something to do that would make me happy. She also suggested finding a 'companion' ! I acknowledge that I am miserable and negative and I pointed out to her that I know all of that in my head - its just I can't get my feelings to match.

Its been nearly 10 months since he left and I would still have him back. I'm finding it harder and harder to find positives in my life - I thought it was supposed to get better over time ? For me it just feels like it is getting worse :-(

The exam is over

Today I had my OU exam and what a disaster ! I couldn't concentrate or remember anything even though I had  revised somewhat. You never can revise enough can you. I think I've probably scraped enough marks to get a resit but don't know if I will have enough to pass. Someone suggested that I put in a special circumstances form, but the problem is you need some hard evidence and I don't have any. The resukts don't come through until December, so I have a bit of a wait now.  It was interesting to note that my husband wished me good luck for the first night of the show tonight but didn't say anything about the exam.

The first night seemed to go OK. I have no idea how I came across on stage. I normally get nervous before a show but once again I am just going through the motions. Something I have realised is that I don't seem to feel anything - my emotions appear to be numbed :-(

The plan now is to read some of my novels and try and catch up on some things and start to clear out some of my rooms in the house. I'll sign up for the next OU course in December.

Oh well off to bed now as I have a full day of meetings tomorrow at work.

I miss my mum

I've been away again on business this week at a conference on a cruise ship. It was a busy three days but also quite pleasant. I still find it very hard when folk talk about their partners. The one thing I have realised is that my husband and I were so close and never joked or said anything negative about each other to anyone. Unlike many folk who use the wife/husband stereotype jokes about their partners, Does that mean our marriage was odd ? I think that is why I am finding it so hard - we really were so very close in many ways - was that unhealthy ?

My daughter had a problem with her car mirror and so I asked my husband to help her sort it out - there was an ulterior motive and that was to get them talking again. It seemed to have worked, She agreed to be a friend on fb with him again - and the mirror was fixed. He also volunteered to take the rubbish around the side of the house to the dump. There was loads of it so I expected he would take a few bits but I was surprised when I got home that he had cleared it all !

I went to a wedding reception last night and some guy was rather suggestive. I have no idea how to handle that except to joke. Again I felt quite out of it as people were having fun with their partners. I feel so awkward now and beginning to not want to bother to go out. I do enjoy being with people but find myself becoming more reclusive - oh god I am so miserable and horrible to be with.

I am in heavy revision mode as my exam is on Wednesday. I am so looking forward to next Sunday, when the exam is over and the show is over. I can then spend some time doing other things like reading some novels. At least until mid January.

I'm not looking forward to my birthday at all this year - it will be so very very different. I've decided to go out for a meal and see if any friends want to come with me. So I've sent a fb invite and will mention it to a few others. I have no idea if folk will want to bother. I did consider inviting my husband - but wonder if that would be too odd ?  I have always celebrated my birthday since I was a child. When my mum died it was not the same as we used to go out for lunch, and now with my husband gone I have no one really to make it special :-( I'm sure the girls will try, but they are both at work during the day. I might just have to book a massage and some pampering for myself and buy myself a present. I hate feeling alone and sooo miss my mum <sob>.

A hard day

I've found today really hard. Trying not to think of my husband and him enjoying his 50th birthday with her :-( I've tried to keep busy but it's been upping in and out of my head all day. I woke up this morning with two sets of bruises on my arms again. One in a similar place to before and the other on the upper inside of my arm. Am I doing this to myself in my sleep ? I also feel a bit invisible - no one has noticed or at least mentioned my new hair colour. I've gone from blond to brown so I would have thought it was noticeable! Maybe it is awful and no one wants to say. I've now gone from the bloated feeling back to the sick feeling. I was also reflecting on whether I have had any truly happy times since he left. The answer is yes on the surface but not true inner happiness. Aside from that I am missing the companionship and someone to share things with - good and bad. I do try and share with the girls sometimes but I'm not sure they understand and I dont want to burden them especially the youngest as she is going through her own angst and in some ways rebellion. I can so do without that right now. It is now nearly 1 30 am and my daughter is still out and I am still awake :-( too much to do and not enough hours........

I feel guilty again :-(

Tomorrow is my husbands 50th birthday. I didn't know quite what to do with regards to a card and present. So I asked a few friends. The consensus was a card from the three of us was OK but no present. Anyhow he came around yesterday to pick up post and a TV that I had replaced and he asked to have the old one. I told him I hadn't got him a present. He said that was fine but that he was planning on getting me one for my birthday in November. So now I feel so guilty in not getting something for him.

Also over the last week I realised I still miss and want his back. So much for being told that I wouldn't after a while. Its over 10 months since he left and I still want him back..... I am obviously so much still in denial :-( My head knows it all but my heart is not aligned in any way.

I am currently busy with work and trying (very unsuccessfully) to revise for my exam in just over a week, After that I will have some time on my hands. If I'm not busy and with people I fear I will become reclusive. I already find it hard to go anywhere on my own besides work, home and the theatre group. I have to work myself up to go to any shops - its a big effort.

In my studying I have been reading about 'the working self' which includes active models of self. And the premise is that you will access knowledge most directly related to your current goals. As I don't appear to be able to make any decisions and hence have no goals - that would explain why I feel like a dimwit at the moment. My memory is rubbish and I can't concentrate. It doesn't bode well for my exam in a week and a half :-(

Oh and I don't know what is going on with the health thing either. I only had breakfast and then a meal in the evening yesterday - homemade macaroni mince which was yummy - but I as the evening went on I got more and more bloated and couldn't breathe very well. I still felt like that when I woke up so didn't eat anything till around 5pm and now I am bloated again. Also I have a great big bruise on the inside of my upper arm again. It looks like two finger marks. I would go to the doctor but its all so inconsistent and so I have nothing to pin anything on.

I feel and am coming over as so negative - I HATE THIS - I am normally a very forward looking positive person. My health seems to be suffering too. The manipulating ***** and my husband have turned me into a useless gibbering wreck with no positive goals or outlook ..............................

More worry

Its been another very up and down week. I'm so stressed at work, but I managed to speak to my new boss and explain that if I was going to lead the strategic programme he had to trust me and stop trying to control things. It seems he may have heard and accepted the message, so I am hopeful. Despite this I have too much to do. I have a hectic week ahead but plan to have Friday as holiday from work so I can chill and also get on with my revision.  I have just over two weeks left to revise and not a lot is going in as my head is so full of stuff.

We had our choir concert on Friday in which I sang a duet with the MD. I was sooo nervous but have had some really good feedback so happy and hope that will boost my confidence a bit more in my singing. I need to find another opportunity to sing solo or duet soon otherwise it will go again. I think after my exam I might start singing lessons to try and improve further. Sadly the choir looks like it will as a minimum have a break - but realistically I'm not sure it will continue.

My youngest daughter confided in me that she smoked. She says it is only the odd roll up when with others who smoke. I asked when she started and she said when her dad left. Another impact on the family that he and that manipulating ***** have had. Also she has a new bunch of friends one of whom works shifts so she has recently been going out in the early hours of the morning and not getting back till sometime between 4 and 6am. I am worried sick about her and what she may be getting up to. Last night she didn't come home at all - at the time of writing she is still not home. I eventually got a text after sending her two texts, leaving a phone message and asking her sister to see if she can speak to her. But I am very very concerned this is the start of something not good and that it will affect her work, prospects, sleep, eating etc.. Hopefully I will be wrong.

It is so hard trying to be positive and smiley at the moment. When people ask how I am I can't lie so I say - coping. But really - I'm not sure if I am coping very well, I'm still very tearful but don't want to bother folk as they must be getting fed up with me being like this. In my head I know what I need to do - in my heart I can't. What will help me to move on even in little steps ?

No purpose

I really feel like I have no purpose in life any more - that along with no identity doesn't leave much. I don't really feel like I belong anymore. Even when at work or at my theatre group I kind of feel different and separate. Its odd as I didn't feel that before but I do now. I used to like to be different - but now it makes me feel like I shouldn't be there, so I tend to quietly slope off as soon as I can. When I keep myself busy I manage to keep myself together, so that's what I have done today. The highlight being cooking dinner together with my daughter. I'm now watching x-factor and my daughter is going out so I'll be on my own again as my other daughter is in Leeds this weekend. I have some plans to keep myself busy tomorrow - so we'll see. I still really miss the companionship of someone. Someone to talk to about how I feel and whom I can trust fully and to be able to go and do fun things with. Looks like I'll be doing it on my own now - not quite the same :-(

Painful plodding

I'm on my own again tonight. How much more down can one feel. I can't be bothered with anything - even changing the toilet roll - I have to force myself to do everything. If I had more courage I would end it all now. I feel betrayed and used - is this what being totally depressed and lonely feels like ? I think everyone believes I should be moving on and over it. Maybe I should, but I'm not and I still can't see any future - just plodding my way through each day - painfully - but falsely smiling.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZjf9C6atT4

More tears :-(

I discovered this post in my drafts - it was from April......

It's not been a good evening. I'm feeling so low and empty again. I had tears down the theatre tonight. Everyone was so nice to me. I'm so lucky that so many people care.

The MD saw that I was not right. She said she had been thinking about me all day and that she had a feeling all was not right. I think she is an angel really.

My husband came to see the show. It was weird talking to him in public. I ended up leaving quickly as I could feel myself welling up.

When I looked at him I felt nothing. What does that mean ? I've thought about taking my wedding ring off but I'm scared. Sounds stupid doesn't it ?

No Identity

I'm in a bit of a state I think. I'm overwhelmed at work and home. I can't concentrate or sleep properly I have not been feeling particularly well the last few weeks and can't pin point why. Its all bits and bobs - sort of a cold, sort of a stomach problem but no one thing that seems to have an end. I'm tired all the time and feel sick a lot. And I now can't be bothered with anything.

I am away on business again and really really didn't want to go. I have more work away trips in the next few weeks. I know I am miserable and being negative but don't care any more.

I'm in a coaching training masterclass and when I signed up I was looking forward to it. But now I am doing it I wish I wasn't. Everyone on the course seems so confident. I feel like a useless person and have no confidence. I looked around the room and thought how everyone has purpose in their life most of them with wedding rings on, so in relationships. We talked about identity today and then I relalised that is what I don't have any more. I then had to try hard to hold it together. I'm not sitting in a rubbish hotel room typing this whilst crying my eyes out. I have no identity - I am no one.

I hate what the manipulating ***** has done to me - she has won :-( Him and her are playing happy families and don't care a **** what they have done. I don't think I can cope any more.

Sigh

I'm still feeling down :-( I've pretty much spent the whole weekend on my own and I think that doesn't help. I do feel lonely and when my friends are not around and the girls are out I feel so alone. I don't have my mum and dad any more, no brothers or sisters and no husband.

At the moment I feel sick after eating most things. I'm going to have to try and work out what it is - beginning to think it may be bread :-( And I feel useless at everything at the moment - I need to be locked away and throw the key away. Maybe I should just go away somewhere and never come back.

I'm so not looking forward to work tomorrow. I have no enthusiasm for anything :-(

:-(

I am so down and sad and lonely. Life sucks :-(

How can I move on ?

Oh boy......I really thought I was moving forward....... I'm still finding folk who don't know about my husband leaving me. Someone asked me at work on Friday how he was. I felt the tears come and had to try so hard to hold them back. And then my brother in laws wife asked me how I was and I felt I had to tell her what really happened as I don't think she (or my brother in law I guess) really knew. These two events made me realise how much I still miss him :-( I started to think again about being on my own as I get older and having no one to share things good and bad with. The girls live here and we do see each other but we all live very separate lives. I've suggested a girlie evening in together and they have said yes, I just need to find a time we can all do it!

Work is still overwhelming and very challenging. I do like a challenge but I'm having to work a longer day and so I am rushing around all the time and not getting enough sleep which I am finding very unsatisfying. I'm also starting to comfort eat which is not doing me any good.

All these things combined made me recognise how I am really not enjoying my life experience at the moment. Yes there are moments usually when with friends that I feel good.

I particularly enjoyed being with friends doing a simple very quickly rehearsed show for the caravan and camping club in a tent in a field. I enjoy the outdoors and was thinking that maybe that is something I should do more of. I could possibly combine the photography with it too. I need to finish my OU degree first and then maybe....

Tonight I went to the start of the governors meeting as I was asked to. I was very touched as they had bought me some presents and said thank you. I had tears again and was speechless.  But what really got me was the lovely messages from each governor. I sat at home and cried my eyes out again. It was the right thing at the moment to step down, but I didn't realise what people thought of me. I'm so sad  and angry that I was forced into the situation of having to step down. I don't like to be beaten, but had to admit to myself that something had to stop.

One good thing today - I got my mark for my last assignment back - this is one that counts as 20% of the final exam mark. I managed to get a pass 1 :-) So happy with that. So this weekend I need to write the last assignment and get down to revising for the exam on 19th October.

Feeling very unattractive

I really don't feel great - so tired and drained plus I have some more bruises on my arm again. I think I may be brewing something not good :-( I'm also feeling very unattractive and can't be bothered to do anything about it. Also feeling sad again and have had a few tears. I deleted the almost 500 text messages that my husband had sent me since January. That works out at over 60 a month, however most of those were in the first few months after he left. I haven't had many in August. I had a lovely chat with one of my friends I don't see often. We agreed we would try and meet more often. I hope we do. Whilst I would like to move on sooner I think I need to do a whole year and get through birthdays coming up including his 50 th, my diabetes and my birthdays plus a very different Christmas and new year. I'm hoping 2012 will be much improved

Eight months

Tomorrow will be eight months since my husband left the family home and Tuesday will be nine months since he told me he was leaving me. So how do I feel now ? Very cheated ....... and still miss him. The tears still come unexpectedly and whilst its not as often as before I still find it difficult to concentrate on one thing. As soon as I try my mind wonders. Doing my OU this year has been so hard not only because it is a higher level course but because it takes so much effort to get absorbed and not let my mind start to think about him and the manipulating *****. On the plus side I can do pretty much what I want now, though I do feel guilty if I am out a lot and don't see my daughters. Anyhow recently I have felt the need to spend a little more time at home as I have been away a lot.

I am very relieved that I made the decision to give up being a school governor. That has taken one thing off my mind.

I was saddened to have to cancel the murder/mystery weekend my husband had booked for us and a couple we are friends with. The friends decided they didn't want to go. I would have gone...... and taken my daughter.

I feel a bit like a loose end now and maybe people feel awkward with me being on my own. Every time someone talks about their partner/husband/boyfriend my heart sinks. It feels socially unacceptable to be single and almost like there is something wrong with me that I do not have a significant other. I don't want that to subconsciously make me want someone just for the sake of it. My mind is still very mixed up :-(

That kick up the backside is still needed as I cannot get the enthusiasm to sort anything out - I am still tootling along just living each day as it comes with no plans or ability to change things. I am getting used to my own company the only problem is it gives me time to think and usually ends up with tears.

I am very grateful to my friends who helped me make my summer break enjoyable and not a complete wash out. My trip to Santorini was lovely and I definitely want to go back. Last weekend I went to Wales with four friends and we had a fabulous time. They made sure I was part of the group and we did various things together. Only once did I feel a little sad in that they were two couples with each other to talk to and hug - I had my camera, so took photos.......

My eldest daughter met my husband for a drink yesterday for the first time since he left. So far she hasn't really said very much except it was ok. My husband just rang about something regarding some information we received in the post on pensions and said they spent about 45 mins talking and it was nice. Some part of me felt upset about them meeting - don't know why........

Special occasions are starting to creep up - my husbands 50th in October, my daughters and my birthday and of course Christmas - I am dreading them all, so need to find something positive to do for each occasion. No idea what I should do re my husband's 50th - do I send him a card ?

I've just come back from a lovely weekend in Wales with four great friends (thank you if you are reading this xx). They made me feel very welcome as did all the folk we met on the caravan park we were staying on. We had a great time with a boat ride that soaked us all to our skin. It was so funny walking back with wet jeans and knickers!! We had a super bbq with the folk on the caravan site and as we had brought the keyboard with us also had a sing song - it was so much fun. One of the folk got very drunk and called me Sletvana - so I now seem to have a new name - lol !! It was so nice and another chance to chill out before going back to work. I can't wait for the next break.

My husband called me today in the morning and asked me if I was still in Wales and whether I had gone on my own or with someone else. I said I was with friends, but didn't say who. He sounded upset that I didn't. Is it wrong for me to not tell him everything ? I know he still wants to be friends and part of our lives, but I kind of feel that as he left I shouldn't be obliged to give him all the details.

One of my friends from my Santorini holiday shared this quote with me :

 Dance like no one is watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like no one is listening, Live like it's heaven on earth.   Purkey, William

I found a notepad with this on the front so had to buy it. I love the quote and will try to remember it at all times so that it helps me move on.

A new chapter

I'm back today after a wonderful week in Santorini with a girl  friend. The week was spent exploring the island and chilling round the pool and on the beach. We didn't let time dominate us at all and it was lovely. I loved the island, the place we were staying at, the weather, the people, the food etc, etc. I so didn't want to leave and shed a tear as the plane took off. I think I shall have to go back

We met and chatted to so many people. Of these people two sets were pairs of women who had travelled together like my friend and me and one was brave enough to have travelled on her own. All were around my age with children of similar ages and all were in the situation of having had their partners leave them over the last 7 years or less. These women were an inspiration to me. They were so full of life, happy and content with being on their own. We agreed to keep in touch via facebook.

One of the ladies was an angel therapist and told me that there was light shining out of me and that the way I was handling things was the right way. That is the first time someone had said that to me.

I've had time to think while I was away and whilst I still love my husband and think he is generally a good man, I have realised many flaws in him and in me. And I have further confirmed what a manipulating scheming ***** she is.

I can't remember if I told my husband that I was going away or not, but he didn't text me once whilst I was away......

I think it is time to move on now. The trip was the start to a new chapter in my life....

Feeling chilled

Well I have two weeks holiday from work now and am spending a week away with a girlfriend in Santorini starting tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to the break. I went and had a pedicure and bikini wax done today -  I won't tell you which sort :-D  I had a lovely chat with the beautician. She told me what she thought of my husband and particularly the manipulating *****.

I managed to get the most important OU assignment in on Sunday - this one is worth 20% of the examinable component of the final mark. Fingers crossed I get a good mark.

I'm feeling a little more positive now so I hope it lasts. Maybe the tide is turning ? A old friend died on Sunday morning - every time something like that happens I think that I must just try and enjoy my life to the fullest, so starting to get the odd moment of silliness.

Any hoo - catch up with you all when I get back x

So confused

Ok - so you clever people out there tell me what (if anything) I should think about this ......

In December when my husband announced he was leaving me for the manipulating ***** he refused to hug me properly or kiss me on the mouth - he said he couldn't as it wasn't right . He has been to the house over the last two days to get me to sign a form and to give him some money to pay for the vets bill for the dog. Yesterday he gave me a real big hug and today he actively leaned in and gave me a big smacker on the mouth with a hug. What the !!!!

and we go tumbling down again

Once again I seem to be having trouble sleeping. I keep waking up at around 5:30am and have all kinds of thoughts going around my head. I've been doing 10 hour days at work and really feel tired. My back and knee are painful - the back because of lifting and moving heavy things.

My husband came around tonight to get me to sign a form so that he can get another of our bank accounts moved to just my name (this one is one that has money in it from the girls child allowance and which I only use for them). He then went on to tell me how they had no money and could I help with vets fees for the dog. He has finally changed his address to hers and as a consequence of that she has lost her various allowances. I guess that is a sign that he is staying with her. Whilst the post was still coming here I think I probably had some hope in my heart. He is moving on and I'm still stuck. He gave me a big hug as he left and as the Tesco man  arrived as he was leaving I had to try so hard to contain the tears. I now feel really down again - and am on my own as both the girls are out. I feel so sad and the tears are falling fast and furious :-(

It has been a while

A couple of my friends mentioned to me that I hadn't posted anything for a while so I thought I would tonight. I have been so busy at work, with studying and so on I have had late nights and so haven't got around to writing my blog.

My friends continue to be lovely and caring - I don't know if they realise how much they have helped me over the months. I don't think I could have done it without their kindness and support. I just hope I can be there for them in the future.

How do I feel now seven months since he left ? Still very sad. Still hate the manipulating *****. Have I moved on yet ? In some small way yes but I have a long way to go yet. I just about feel like my head has come out from some awful fog and I can think a bit straighter - well at work anyhow. But as another friend says I still over think things. Much has changed in my life and around me with my friends. Coping with so much change at once is really hard.

I'm getting used to being on my own and cry less. My husband still keeps in touch by text. He stopped for a few days after our wedding anniversary but he has started to text more often again. I don't know how I feel about that. I certainly find it easier when he doesn't text or contact me. Still dreading the first time I see them together.

Out of interest I had a look at how many local men were on match.com. A very narrow search brought up pages of them. I couldn't just contact one out of the blue, its just not me.  Would I want a relationship again - I don't really know. But I know if I do it would have to be with someone I know as a friend first. So I don't think it is going to happen anyhow as I can't see anyone wanting me. I don't think I need a man but I am a bit scared of being alone as I get older :-( but then again I come from good strong European stock with parents who survived tough times during the war.

My nails and skin went through another bad patch but seem to be on the mend again. It must be stress related.

I go on holiday for a week in a few days with a girlfriend. I really need the break.

Thinking about my mum

I dreamt of my mum on Monday night. I haven't dreamt of her for ages. I saw her dying of cancer ( as she did) but she was very young maybe in her 20s. She was only 67 when she did die. I was so close to my mum and really miss her at the moment :-( I hate having to be the sole grown up person with no one to support me.

Only 13 days till my week away. I can't wait I so need a break.

Feeling Low

I can't explain it but I am feeling really low again and close to tears all the time. It started suddenly last night and has been with me all day. I don't understand why ? I just want to be alone and to curl up and ....... could it be that I am depressed ? I'm sure people must think I am being odd especially as it has been nearly eight months since he left me. My friends as usual have been lovely and caring but can't be there all the time - and I don't expect them to be. I think today has been confounded with my daughter splitting up with her boyfriend of over 18 months. She is sad and crying and doesn't know what she wants to do. Makes it hard as I have to be positive and strong for her which is not easy when I am feeling like this.

Most folk around me seem to be doing fun things, going to places and so on with partners and family - I don't feel I have anyone to do that with. I think I am looking forward to my week away in Santorini with my friend - but only think.... I need a break from everything but am not sure whether that will do it for me or not.

Work is manic and unreasonable at the moment and that probably doesn't help.

I don't want to have to think or make decisions.

I feel like I don't belong anymore.

Schizophrenia

I've been away all week at my OU residential. It was a very busy week being hard at work all week. The course director told us that we did in a week what a full time student would do in a term. I had hoped I would have some time to reflect on things. I did go to Brighton for the afternoon we had off and wandered around on my own (sleeping on the beach which is stony for an hour!). I actually felt quite lonely. I also can't decide whether I enjoy mad evenings out or relaxing quietly. I think I am changing but very slowly - I need to find the real me as I have been one of two for so long. Which is the real me ??

I keep looking at my bare hands with no ring - it looks so wrong and odd. I had another cry in the car on the way back from Brighton - I still love and miss him :-(

The one thing I did discover when talking with others - many of them had split up from their husbands (mostly due to the men having the affairs) and some were on second marriages. Some of them had been through really rough situations.  It made me realise that I have been so lucky to have been married for so long to a really wonderful man and my life until this year has been relatively stable - yes I've had ups and downs, the deaths of my mum and dad and so on, but with him there supporting me and me him, it has always been possible to work through them. I have no one to do that with now and that is a big gap for me. That makes me more cross with the manipulating ***** for stealing what I had. Is it possible that there is someone out there who could be better ?

I've had no text from him since I responded to his one on Sunday asking why he would send such a text especially as I had been trying hard not to think about it.

The other thing I've realised is that at the moment I can't make any decisions for myself. I am going with the flow and what others do or want to do. I can't seem to commit one way or another without someone else's input. So not like me. I'd like to be like a caterpillar and turn into a chrysalis for a while then wake up as a butterfly that is confident and sure and can soar away determined.

It would have been 29 years today

Today was my husband and my 29th wedding anniversary :-( I have been deliverately trying not to think about it and guess what  - he sends me a text saying 'Just wanted you to know that I haven't forgotten what today is. Thinking about you loads and hoping you have a reasonable day. x'. What am I supposed to make of that ? If nothing else it brought it to my mind and made me shed a tear.

As I look around at the folk at my course and look at myself, I feel very sad - I don't think anyone would want a fat old bird like me. I feel so uncomfortable being 'available'. I wouldn't know what to do. Looks like I will end up being a miserable old woman as I have no reason to be otherwise.

Manic week

What a week this has been. I went out to the us on business for a whirlwind three days with the new boss and team I will be working with. I am overwhelmed at the amount of work I have at the moment trying to do two roles until I can hand my old one over. Then I arrived back in the uk at 11:45am to go into meetings until 6pm. We then drove up to nottingham at 10:30pm so we would be there for my daughters graduation on Friday morning. I got to bed at 1am :-( And now I am writing this from the university of Sussex in Brighton because I am here for an ou residential course.

I felt very odd when socialising in the us as everyone was talking about their husbands or wives - I didn't know what to say. Do I say my husband or the man that is my husband but left me for another woman or ?? He isn't an ex as we are still married. Answers on a postcard please! He came to the graduation which I am glad about for my daughter. But the other daughter didn't talk to him at all. It was a lively day but as I sat next to him little things started to irritate me. Like the way he didn't clap properly. These normally wouldnt bothere. What does that mean ?

I am so jet lagged. Driving so much has been quite dangerous as I was dozing at the wheel a couple of times - so scary :-(

Well well see what this week brings. I did have loads of time to think while driving and went through loads of emotions. I had a cry, got cross at him and decided that life is so short and I'm no spring chicken so inmeed to try and do things I want to and enjoy life. Just wish I had someone to enjoy it with.

Such a rubbish few days

The exciting wild Friday and Saturday nights seem to have cooled off - shame as I miss having fun on a Friday night. Loads of my friends have found happiness or new things to keep them busy. I guess everything changes at some point - its just a bit sooner than I would have liked. I went to the wedding on Saturday and a couple of my lovely friends were just that - lovely :-) However I had tears and really didn't feel like partying.

Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday I felt quite lonely again as I was on my own for quite a bit of it - and when not physically alone I still felt alone.

Work is manic and at school today doing my governors duties I was verbally attacked by a couple of people - I really really can do without that. Whilst I am so sad at giving up my governorship it is the right decision at the moment.

I came home to feathers all over the place. Once again one of the cats must have had a bird - but no bird in sight so I assume she had eaten it - feet and all !

The TV is now working having been the wall socket blown by the lightening. The technician from the insurance who came on Saturday put his report in and I now have a new amp and TV for my daughter arriving at some point.

Thankfully my nails seem to be growing again and the skin problem is starting to get better.

I'm due to have a busy couple of weeks with a business trip to the US and then my OU residential for a week. Oh and in the middle we have my daughters graduation. My husband is coming to that, so we'll see .......

I'm supposed to be going to a friends birthday party on Saturday and I really want to go but I don't want to drive as I'd like a drink. I have no idea if anyone else is going and driving. I had hoped a few of us may share a taxi there and back to make it cost efficient - but ho hum - I may have to give it a miss. I guess it is probably not a good idea to get drunk the night before you are due to go on a 7.5hr plane trip.

I'm still adding to my list of things I want to do - but at the moment can't see me doing many of them as they need a companion :-(

I just want someone to love me and be there for me :-(

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ApstMKNEMI

Home Alone again

Here I am on a Friday night all alone. Both the girls are out and my friends didn't want to do anything tonight. I'm feeling rather down again and I guess its because I only have myself and my thoughts which always lead to the same thing - why ?

On Wednesday I was asked by someone if my husband and my relationship had got that bad that he left. This is something I dreaded that people would think - that I am to blame - and here we are someone thinks that. They won't be the only one <sob>.

Also as I wasn't going out I popped out to get chips and bumped into someone from church who I know has been around my husband and the manipulating *****'s place. I could tell he felt very awkward about bumping into me and didn't know what to say. I guess now I'm not at church they don't normally see me - they have never been in touch since he left.

I HATE my husband for this - people think I am to blame for the break up.

I'm supposed to be going to a wedding reception tomorrow evening - don't think I will be now - I can't face people.

Six months Schizophrenia

I will never accept my husband leaving me but I will learn to manage it - eventually. At the moment I feel schizophrenic - being happy one day feeling like I can move on and then falling to pieces the next. I've been trying to work out what triggers the down days. Sometimes it is him coming around, sometimes it is a text, sometimes it is memories of our times together which could be linked to anything - people, things, sounds, dates etc.

I'm starting to get used to being on my own at home sometimes - but I do miss cuddles, kisses and someone to talk to about my day and to bounce thoughts off of. I can have a great conversation with one of my daughters but I don't want to burden her with some things.

Its been six months since he left now - have I moved on - a tiny bit, but I have a long way to go still.

And downward we go again :-(

I've had a flurry of texts for my husband today in response to a fb status I put up regarding the manipulating ***** conducting conversations on fb with mutual friends which just again were very insensitive,

Either my husband is in denial or he has been lying to me.

He told me that she started the affair on fb by coming on to him. If she hadn’t done that would he have gone looking for someone ? I’m assuming not in which case she manipulated it and broke up our marriage. He told me she told him that she had fancied him for years – seems to me like she decided to go for him as her marriage was unhappy – she manipulated it. She knew that we were in a happy marriage – or has he been lying to me and was not happy. If that is the case – why didn’t he talk to me about it so we could have sorted it out. He knows I would have supported him in anything – I loved him that much.

He doesn't want me to talk with her is that because something will come out that he doesn't want me to hear – either lies he has been telling her or things he should have been honest with me about. I would welcome that discussion with her but can’t predict what my reaction might be. She needs to understand what she has done and not keep expecting him to take the blame evenly. If he has been honest with me, yes he has done a bad thing but she has done 100 times worse.

I hate the way he sides with her every time – even against our own daughter – that is despicable. Our daughter is hurting so much and she is so angry with him. He expects her to make the first move. She will not. He has to make the effort and will have to work  hard to get her back on side. At the moment I don’t see him trying – she is always in the wrong in his eyes and HER kids seem to be more important to him now. What kind of a father would do that to his own daughter ?

I have lost all my confidence and have a bad self image and probably will lose my friends as a consequence of that. The stress is coming out – can’t wait to see what my body is going to do next....

I’m now also remembering all kinds of things that should have been signs to me that he was having an affair. I was so blind – I trusted him totally with everything and he betrayed that trust. I will never be able to trust anyone again – thanks for that husband.

I will never ever say a good word about her, I will make it perfectly clear to everyone what she has done – after ruining my life and those of our daughters it is the only thing I have left to me.

Thinking is a dangerous thing !

I've had a lovely couple of evenings chilling with friends (and drinking too much again!). This got me thinking about my life to now, recently and in the future. One of the things that I did a little self exploration about was how my life has been very planned (apart from unforeseen circumstances) and less spontaneous. I have always thought of myself as being an organised and planned person and find it hard when things are done in the moment rather than being previously planned. I've enjoyed some of the spontaneity that has happened recently - so wondered why. I think that during our lives we have responsibilities and many of these need planning and organisation - such as work, children etc.etc. On top of that I have always engaged in activities that needed me to be organised and that with having lots to do meant I had to work in this way. So how do I move forward. I think that I need a bit of both in my life now. Time just to be and just to do on the spur of the moment. However to do that I need to have less in my life to organise. With the girls getting older they need less of my time - I have no husband or partner to have to worry about and with giving up church and school governors - maybe I can get to a situation soon where I can just chill at times or go out for coffee with someone and so on.

I've also decided that when I've finished my OU degree (a couple of years yet), I want to take up my photography again and just go out and take photos.

The other thing that has got me thinking is about sex. I had an interesting conversation with my friends on how people perceive sex - should it be linked to love or considered just an enjoyable act like having a drink or going to the cinema. I don't know anymore. I can see both points of view. Maybe the first is important when you are going into a relationship with someone and want to commit and the second if you are not. This is something I need to think a bit more on. The first was drummed into me at school and by my mum - but maybe its time to think again .......

At the moment I still feel numb and am in fact starting to feel a little cross with my husband for putting me through the last six months. I still hate the manipulating ***** with a vengeance and just wish I could find some way for her to regret what she has done. But as I won't do anything I have to rely on karma to do it for me.

I follow another blog called 'Me Discovering Me'. I so feel for the lady and wish I could give her a hug as she is going through so many of the same emotions as me. MDM if you read this a big <hug> from me x

He's having a laugh!

On this day of your life, Slava, we believe God wants you to know ... that contentment comes from unconditional love.
	When you love conditionally, you have to keep deciding if the other is worthy of your love. You can never let go of your guard enough to be content. Why not decide once and for all, and love once and for all. And be content.

Ha ! I did and see what happened ............ I am not contented anymore .

However two of my wonderful friends have managed to get the TV in the living room working again using different cables :-) Thanks guys - you know who you are xx  Now I need to wait for the technician to come from the insurance to assess it - a whole week and they won't replace my daughters TV until that is done as it is one claim - so she is not happy :-( She did however manage to get one days work as silver service maitress and has been 'selected' to do another day for someone's 70th birthday. They selected only the pretty ones and they have to wear denim hot pants and flip flops!!!!!!

I'm sitting here on my own as both daughtes have gone out and I'm waiting to find out what if anything we are doing tonight. Its drinking night :-D



.

Feeling sad today

I'm feeling really sad tonight as a number of my friends seem to be falling out with each other for various reasons. These friends have been so supportive to me over the last few months and I feel almost helpless as I don't want to take any sides (I love them all for who they are).

The recent thunderstorms seem to have zapped our amp that connects everything to the tv so we can't get a picture and my daughters tv appears not to be working either. So the house is very quiet.... My husband did come to try and sort the amp out seeing as it was his toy when he bought it a number of years ago. He had no success - so its a call to the insurance now. It was nice of him to try.

I did a one night show on Monday which we had just four weeks to rehearse. I sort of enjoyed it as we were a small group but who all got on ok together. I am however glad it is over so I can get on with my studying. The MD of the show (my guardian angel) had a chat with me again - she is so reasoned and as she doesn't know my husband can be totally honest and unbiased.

I had planned to do more tonight, but tvs, discussions with various folk and just sorting house things out stopped me. I even put the iron on intending to iron some clothes but it is now 11:30pm so I think bed is calling.

Bitter Sweet

Yesterday was a real bitter sweet day. I was woken up in the morning by my daughter screaming that she had passed her degree and got a 2:1. She was so happy and so was I so I burst into tears. I am so proud of her and her boyfriend who also passed. My daughter went out and my husband arrived with a big bunch of flowers for her. She is not a great fan of flowers so even though it was a lovely thought and she did appreciate it you'd think her father would have known that. It's me that adores getting flowers. Anyhow he came in for a cup of tea and guess what - I ended up in tears again. I still love and miss him :-( Not long after he went I got a text from him that was intended for her ! I responded back to him and he apologised.

Despite a fairly lonely day on my own after that I went out in the evening with some friends to see another friend in his band. It was great. I had a lovely time possibly because I drank a whole bottle of wine on my own. Sadly that us becoming a habit when I go out. As I don't drink at all in the week I wonder what impact that has on my liver ? It's sad that I now feel that I need that at least once a week so I can forget my life and just have fun.

Two steps back

I still have this dry skin/rash on my face and neck, my dentist tells me I am grinding or clenching my teeth. I am not a nice person , can't concentrate on anything so not getting my ou done as my mind keeps wandering off. I have no idea what my life is anymore or where it is going. I've started to cry at the drop of a hat again. I just want to curl up in a corner. I keep taking a step forwards and then more shit happens and sends me right back. I hate this much. How can one man affect someone so much. He has mo idea :-(

I forgot to say

That my husband came around on Saturday and we ended up chatting again about the house and my concerns that she will ask him to force selling it. He once again said that I can stay in the house for as long as i want. He only wants a share of it at the point I am ready to sell, which he also noted could be never ! I spoke to the solicitor again and she said he can't force a sale if I don't want to. If he thought it should be sold for some reason and I refused he would have to go to court. I also spoke to him about a deed of separation. I don't want to go down that route yet and he couldn't afford a solicitor anyhow. I wonder if I am feeling so down again because of this conversation ?

On a more positive note I have booked a weeks holiday with a friend in august to santoruni. Something to look forward to but 8 weeks away still. I need something to help me move on now :-(

So Empty

I feel so empty.

I've had so many changes enforced on me since the start of this year my head can't think straight anymore.

Politics are abound in the theatre group I belong to and I feel like piggy in the middle - so much so I had to leave early on Sunday and just come home - partly to try and catch up on things and partly to get away from everyone. Yesterday at the first rehearsal of the new show that seems to have been controversially cast I felt nothing despite being asked and told lots of things.

I feel like I am a failure at everything again  - well apart from work which ironically I was due to be leaving for redundancy at the end of the month but now I am considered top talent and have been given a highly emotive, complex, large programme of work to lead.

I went to my last governors meeting tonight. Part of me feels relief at having one less thing to worry about and part of me hurts badly - closing another chapter of my life.

My daughter rightly or wrongly posted on the manipulating *****'s facebook wall a comment to her status that she was missing her dad - she said 'I'm missing my dad too you w****'. You can imagine the fall out from that. My husband tried to call her then texted her a rather vitriolic text followed by a call to me - saying he knew it wasn't me but that it was slander and that her kids could have seen it, and that I would not condone it but that it was out of order etc. etc. He then went on to say he had been on the manipulating *****'s fb account and had deleted the comment, blocked my daughter and changed it so only friends could see her wall. Whilst I don't condone her calling her that publically (and I did speak to her about it) it is amusing to see how the truth can have such an effect.

I just want to be wisked away by someone for a few days and have nothing but fun, not having to think about anything but each minute. And to do some daring, exciting things.

All I can think about is how miserable I am, how much I must seem to be wallowing in my own problems, how I'm an awful friend and can absolutely understand if no one wanted to talk to me at the moment. I want to get out of this rut and move on - normally I would be very positive and forward thinking but I'm stuck I can't get that back at the moment - what needs to happen to get me going again ? I'm still lost :-( 

Why do people play games ?

Once again I am on empty and feeling emotionally drained. So many people around me are playing political games and getting into cliques. I just want out - I hate my life at the moment :-( Nothing feels good, everything is changing, I'm becoming neurotic, not sleeping again and not eating properly. I hate this roller coaster ride up and down all the time. I don't feel I can trust anyone so I'll just clam up and cry by myself.

I came home from the theatre group today earlier than I should and decided not to go back this evening for choir. I just wanted to sit and cry on my own. But my daughter came home and I don't want to cry in front of them.

I'm going to go and have a bath and bed early tonight - I can't cope again with life.....

Hmmmm

This was on my facebook page today...

On this day of your life, Slava, we believe God wants you to know ... that shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.
	There is no need for you to go it alone. There are people who love you, and who are ready to give you much needed support. There are even more, - way more than you can possibly imagine, people who CAN love you if you give them a chance. Make 'share joy, half the sorrow' your motto for today.

I still feel very alone - not sure who to trust - too many politics and bad attitudes :-(

I've had enough....

I'm angry and very upset. It feels as if the world is conspiring against me and something, someone is shuffling my life like a pack of cards and throwing it up in the air.

I really really want to stop the world and get off of it right now :-( I don't want all this change in one go - I can't take it. Now would be a good time to go to sleep and not wake up.

I thought I was starting to move forward but well, I thought wrong obviously.

I've resigned

After lots of thought and discussion with myself mostly I decided to step down as the chair of governors for the school I was at. I didn't feel I was doing a good job - at least not how I consider I should be doing it. I told the head on Friday and he was very understanding and even gave me a hug. When I left the school I sat in the car and cried. Another sense of loss for me - I have been a school governor for 15 years. I really didn't want to give up but something had to go. I didn't want to give up the theatre group as I have many friends there and that has kept me going over the last months. Without that I would be sat at home on my own almost every night. And I didn't want to give up the studying as I am so close to finishing (another year, maybe two - but that's it). So the only thing left was the school governor :-(

Yesterday on a whim I decided to have a pedicure and my toes nails painted. It does make me feel good when my toes look nice :-)

I'm still finding myself very emotional at times and will start to cry at the drop of a hat. A good friend came around for a chat on Thursday and I found myself in tears again - it all still hurts......

In some ways I am ready to move on and in others I am not. Small steps forwards I guess.

Where are the bruises coming from ?

I think my body is very confused....... I had a wonderful night of dance on Monday with a class followed by two audition pieces (one tap) for our next show. I really thought I was going to ache but I didn't !
On the other hand I have a whole load of bruises on my arms and hands and I don't recall bumping or hitting them. Additioanlly my nails keep breaking, chipping and peeling and I now have either eczema or dermatitis or something on my face - what is going on ??? I'm going to have to keep an eye on it - I'm particularly worried about the bruises :-(

My heart sank

The manipulating ***** is rearing her ugly head everywhere now - it won;t be long I expect until I come face to face with her. My daughter saw her with her mother in the doctors this morning. She thinks she was talking about her to her mother. She wanted to say something to her when she came back out, but never appeared so thinks she escaped via another route ! And then I discovered this evening that she had been to visit my mother in law and my brother in law was also there. He didn't mention that he was coming down so I guess that he had scrubbed me off his contact list. I feel really down now as the manipulating ***** is now starting to infiltrate some of my past and this makes me unsure even more of the future. Slowly bit by bit she is wheedling her way in and I fear I will be pushed out. I am really really scared :-( So much so I'm beginning to think I need to move away and start my life all over again - not sure I can cope with them being so close by. I was always very close to my mum and I miss her so much at the moment. Once again I feel very lonely. What should I do ?

The ring has come off

I've had a bitter sweet week this week.

Work has been very stressful and to top it all my boss has decided to have a face to face meeting with his new leadership team during the week I am due to go on my ou residential - he says he needs to do it soon and the other weeks other people cannot do. That has made me feel very undervalued :-( Normally he is ok and would try and accommodate but for some reason he isn't this time.

We started on the one night Music Hall on Tuesday and the new musical show on Wednesday so lots to do again. I've been bust today trying to get my next OU assignment complete. However I am completely shattered not going to sleep until 4am again.

I did a first yesterday in that I stayed unexpectedly over at a friends house - it was a weird feeling and I didn't really know what to do - I felt so guilty ! I texted the girls to say I wouldn't be home and they seemed ok with it. I think it is so sad that I have got to the age I am at and have never lived dangerously ! I think I will have to do more..... as a friend said I am living the life of a 15 year old. Yes - making up for lost time ...... what shall I do next ??

I took my wedding ring off today - it feels very odd and I have a mark where it was. But maybe this is a way to help me move on ? My husband has texted me a couple of times this week and my eldest daughter saw him working at the cinema for the first time since January. I don't think it was as bad as she feared.

I was very flattered and honoured today in that my daughters boyfriend whose band is finalising their album gave me a first copy to listen to - it is very good and I am hoping that some recording company will take them on. And my daughter bought me a pair of sandals - how kind is that ? 

I am sooo tired after not having much sleep last night I think I'll try and have an early night - I may well be home alone again :-(

A lie in at last !

Today was the first time in months that I managed to get a lie in. I woke up at around 9:30, fed the cats, made me some breakfast and then sat in bed to eat it whilst catching up on my OU reading till around 12. It felt so decadent but I really enjoyed it. Of course it would have been much nicer if there had been someone to bring me breakfast in bed ;-)

I sent an email to my vicar today to let him know I won't be back in the near term and to say my faith had gone. I don't know if I will ever get it back.

This evening I took both my daughters and their respective boyfriends out for a meal. To celebrate two birthdays and two completion of degrees (lets hope they both pass !). It was lovely being out with them all - but I did feel a bit lonely not having a partner too. Will I ever feel ok being a sole agent ? I do feel like I don't belong any more especially with my friends who have partners.

I've decided to start a list of all the things I want to do that I haven't yet done. Such as events, places to visit, holidays and other things. Then I'll have to plan working through the list. At least that will give me some things to look forward to :-)

I felt nothing

It is Sunday evening and I am exhausted. We had the after show party last night and I didn't get to bed till 4am. The trouble is I never am able to lie in - I seem to wake up around 8am and then the cats bother me and then I end up being awake. To top it all my throat is sore again - had this for weeks :-(

I've been eating so badly this week so I made myself a lovely quorn spaghetti bolognase - it was yummy. I did however eat very late .....

Both the girls are back now, but I am on my own again tonight as they are sleeping at their respective boyfriends houses. I have a pile of washing and ironing to do that they kindly provided !

Its been an eventful few days on top of the show.

My husband came to see the show on Thursday evening and waited to speak to me afterwards. I felt very awkward talking with him in public and left as soon as he had finished giving me his crit. I didn't want to be there in case I cried in front of everyone. I did get emotional but when I was talking to him I saw a different person there and I felt nothing. The emotion came as I left. What does that mean ?
I've been contemplating taking my wedding ring off - but I am scare to do it - no idea why - subconsciously I guess I think that as long as I am married then I should leave the ring on as it keeps that link with him. But then I feel cross and want to take it off. So many many conflicting emotions. Should I take it off or leave it on ????????

I've noticed that some of his friends through his Hypnotherapy have become friends with the manipulating *****. This is irrational but I am so scared that everyone will love her and want to be friends with her and that she will take all my friends away.

On Friday my daughter at uni finished her last exam. She was feeling much more positive which was great. She told me that she will probably contact my husband to see him as she kind of missed him. I suggested she took her sister along, but she said she won't go as she is an 'angry kid'.

So I asked my other daughter and she said no she didn't want to speak to him......

On Saturday I had asked my husband to feed the cats as I couldn't get back from the theatre - he said yes he would. Anyhow I pop back to change quickly at the end of the evening and he hadn't been in to feed the cats. He did apologise once I had texted him thanks for feeding them ! I pointed out to him that his new 'family' are now taking priority and this was just one example where he couldn't even remember to come and feed the cats. He's been trying to ring me all day and eventually left a voice message claiming he simply forgot. He probably did - but it'll be because he was concentrating on other things - probably sex with her.

I'm still not getting on with my OU - its not looking good :-( I can't give up doing this - she will have won.........

The MD of the show has been an angel to me - she, having been through a break up herself a number of years ago keeps telling me how wonderful I am - trying to keep my self esteem up - she is such a wonderful person herself - I do believe she is a guardian angel. So giving and full of life and fun. I would love to be able half of what she is. I don't believe in myself - yes everyone says I am strong and will get through it - but sometimes I want to be looked after and not have to think about things. Guess that will never happen especially having the girls to look after - I can't rely on him at all anymore.

Feeling sad today

I don't know why but I feel sad today. I'm not really enjoying doing the show, I'm just going through the motions :-(

I realised that I have turned into a miserable, negative, not fun to be with person. I used to be so positive and able to see a way forward out of every situation. I hate being like this and I need to give myself a kick up the backside but I don't know how. I apologise to all my friends for being like this. I feel so lost.

Again someone told me that I will be grateful that he did this to me in the fullness of time and that I will be happier eventually. How ? I don't know what I want anymore and don't feel I have anyone to talk to about it. I can be with lots of people but still feel lonely inside - that so sucks. :-(

Lol what on earth !!!

Slava, we believe God wants you to know ... that it's time you cleansed yourself with laughter and with tears.
	Let tears take out all the agony that is hidden inside you, and let laughter ignite your contagious joy.

I've certainly been doing the tears part for sometime now.........

I tried again today to hate him for doing this to me - I still can't but everytime I think of what the manipulating ***** has done to me I can feel the anger well up in me.

Feeling pretty alone at the moment..........even though I am with people during the day and the evening - inside I am very very alone :-(

Why was he so weak ??? Is there a life beyond this for me ??? Will I ever fine true happiness again ???

Home Alone

Well - I'm completely on my own now for the next week. The saving grace is that I am at work during the day and on stage most of the evening. I wonder how I am going to feel walking into an empty house for a number of days, I don't have a good feeling about it already especially as tomorrow we have some organisational announcements at work. I may not be happy at the outcome of that :-( As it is I had the day planned off work to go and help get in at the theatre - now I have to spend three hours on the phone in the car in the afternoon.

This morning I thought I would put my ipod touch into shuffle to listen to whilst in the bath - why is it when you are on your own the majority of the songs end up being ones that 'hurt' ? All love songs or ones about needing someone such as 'bridge over troubled water'. I felt so sad by the time I got out of the bath.

I am very tired only having about four and half hours sleep the last two nights due to staying out with friends on Fri/Sat and then dropping my daughter, her boyfriend and his parents at the airport in the early hours of Sun morning. On Sat I didn't get in until about 4:30 am - I have never been out that late leaving as dawn was starting to come up. The sky was light and the birds had started singing - it was lovely - but I am now suffering :-(

My daughter at uni has one exam left to do and she is struggling with the revision so I have been trying to help her by discussing through the things she is learning - I hope it helps. She was sobbing again on Saturday (not good when you are tired yourself). But this evening she seems to have managed to complete one essay and now has three more to do. Its going to be difficult to help during the day or evening this week. So I guess it'll be late nights for me as she will probably want to talk when I get back from the theatre.

My husband came around to drop a card and some money for my other daughter to take on holiday as it is her 19th birthday while she is away. He asked about them and when I mentioned that the one at uni had completed three exams and only had one left he started to cry - he asked why I hadn't told him as he wanted to text her good luck. So once again I felt guilty because I hadn't thought to say anything. Is it my fault ? I didn't deliberately set out not to say anything - he knew she had gone back to do exams - I can't do anything right <sob>.  I'm not looking forward to Fathers day, as I don't think the girls will want to send him a card.

Before my daughter left she gave me a  Good Luck card for next week - so thoughtful :-)

So this is what I got on facebook today :

God wants you to know ... that your unspoken prayers will be answered.
	Yes, God knows you, God hears you, God loves you, God is there for you. You are blessed.

He has got to be joking !! He may know me but he is not hearing and has not answered any prayers - quite the opposite :-(

Why do I feel guilty ?

I've been doing more thinking in the car when driving - always a bad thing ! I'm trying to understand why I can't get angry with my husband. I'm told I need to do this to enable me to move on but I can't. I feel guilty as if I have done something wrong. My husband is not being horrible to me (apart from the obvious) and is also being very reasonable and understanding - and I love him still. So if people are right how do I move on ? In my heart I am still hoping he will come back. In my head I don't think he will. So what do I do ?

I'm alone at home tonight and will be alone every night from Sunday for a week as both daughters are away - I'm not too good when on my own :-( At least I am at work and during the day and on stage in the evening.

My daughter commented today that she would love to know what the manipulating ****'s children feel about their dad moving out and a new man moving in. It is obviously on her mind.

I went to visit my mother and sister in law today and am so grateful at how supportive they are to the girls and me. My sister in law doesn't want to meet the manipulating ***** and says my husband is no brother to her anymore. My mother in law acknowledges that she will have to meet the manipulating ***** at some point but says it is still too early. I got thinking about Christmas and wondered what that will be like this year. I'm feeling low again, am tired and have had a sore throat now for nearly two weeks. The only thing that seems to be going OK is work - though it is probably a bit too busy - and having good friends. Otherwise my personal life, school governors, the theatre group and trying to study is all rubbish at the moment. And even though the girls are both over 18 they still need my support - as they don't want their dad - I am now in theory a single mum.

I've also been thinking about the time between him first seeing her until late last year. As I recall more and more things that we have done such as holidays and certain discussions I now can see that he was distracted and no longer in our relationship. What really hurt me just before he said he was leaving was the fact that he said he couldn't kiss me on the lips. He is an actor and has done that on stage with other women - but he couldn't do it to someone he says he loves, has been married to for over 28 years and had two lovely daughters with. As I write this the hate for her is welling up in me again and the tears start to flow :-(