In the beginning

On Monday 6th December my husband of over 28 years declared that he is leaving me for another woman. Apparently I have done nothing wrong and he still loves me but is not 'in love' with me.

His affair started around 18 months ago by 'the other woman' contacting and propositioning him on facebook. Now he is no angel as he should have said no - but why would a woman deliberately set out to break up a marriage that was not in trouble just because hers was on the rocks ? To be fair to my husband he told me after I noted that he seemed to be distant - at least I didn't find out via some other route !

We tried twice to make a go of it but both times she managed to come back into his life again opening up wounds and making him think again of her never really giving us a chance. She claims she is 'thick' but I think she targeted him as she could see what a wonderful man is he and wanted him to replace her broken marriage (by her I hasten to add). I also think she is a manipulating *****.

I still love my husband as he is my soulmate and always has been and also was my best friend. So not only has she stolen my husband, she has stolen my soulmate and my best friend.

This blog will hopefully be therapeutic for me and maybe help others who find themselves in a similar situation xx





Sunday, 9 October 2011

I feel guilty again :-(

Tomorrow is my husbands 50th birthday. I didn't know quite what to do with regards to a card and present. So I asked a few friends. The consensus was a card from the three of us was OK but no present. Anyhow he came around yesterday to pick up post and a TV that I had replaced and he asked to have the old one. I told him I hadn't got him a present. He said that was fine but that he was planning on getting me one for my birthday in November. So now I feel so guilty in not getting something for him.

Also over the last week I realised I still miss and want his back. So much for being told that I wouldn't after a while. Its over 10 months since he left and I still want him back..... I am obviously so much still in denial :-( My head knows it all but my heart is not aligned in any way.

I am currently busy with work and trying (very unsuccessfully) to revise for my exam in just over a week, After that I will have some time on my hands. If I'm not busy and with people I fear I will become reclusive. I already find it hard to go anywhere on my own besides work, home and the theatre group. I have to work myself up to go to any shops - its a big effort.

In my studying I have been reading about 'the working self' which includes active models of self. And the premise is that you will access knowledge most directly related to your current goals. As I don't appear to be able to make any decisions and hence have no goals - that would explain why I feel like a dimwit at the moment. My memory is rubbish and I can't concentrate. It doesn't bode well for my exam in a week and a half :-(

Oh and I don't know what is going on with the health thing either. I only had breakfast and then a meal in the evening yesterday - homemade macaroni mince which was yummy - but I as the evening went on I got more and more bloated and couldn't breathe very well. I still felt like that when I woke up so didn't eat anything till around 5pm and now I am bloated again. Also I have a great big bruise on the inside of my upper arm again. It looks like two finger marks. I would go to the doctor but its all so inconsistent and so I have nothing to pin anything on.

I feel and am coming over as so negative - I HATE THIS - I am normally a very forward looking positive person. My health seems to be suffering too. The manipulating ***** and my husband have turned me into a useless gibbering wreck with no positive goals or outlook ..............................


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