Eight months

Tomorrow will be eight months since my husband left the family home and Tuesday will be nine months since he told me he was leaving me. So how do I feel now ? Very cheated ....... and still miss him. The tears still come unexpectedly and whilst its not as often as before I still find it difficult to concentrate on one thing. As soon as I try my mind wonders. Doing my OU this year has been so hard not only because it is a higher level course but because it takes so much effort to get absorbed and not let my mind start to think about him and the manipulating *****. On the plus side I can do pretty much what I want now, though I do feel guilty if I am out a lot and don't see my daughters. Anyhow recently I have felt the need to spend a little more time at home as I have been away a lot.

I am very relieved that I made the decision to give up being a school governor. That has taken one thing off my mind.

I was saddened to have to cancel the murder/mystery weekend my husband had booked for us and a couple we are friends with. The friends decided they didn't want to go. I would have gone...... and taken my daughter.

I feel a bit like a loose end now and maybe people feel awkward with me being on my own. Every time someone talks about their partner/husband/boyfriend my heart sinks. It feels socially unacceptable to be single and almost like there is something wrong with me that I do not have a significant other. I don't want that to subconsciously make me want someone just for the sake of it. My mind is still very mixed up :-(

That kick up the backside is still needed as I cannot get the enthusiasm to sort anything out - I am still tootling along just living each day as it comes with no plans or ability to change things. I am getting used to my own company the only problem is it gives me time to think and usually ends up with tears.

I am very grateful to my friends who helped me make my summer break enjoyable and not a complete wash out. My trip to Santorini was lovely and I definitely want to go back. Last weekend I went to Wales with four friends and we had a fabulous time. They made sure I was part of the group and we did various things together. Only once did I feel a little sad in that they were two couples with each other to talk to and hug - I had my camera, so took photos.......

My eldest daughter met my husband for a drink yesterday for the first time since he left. So far she hasn't really said very much except it was ok. My husband just rang about something regarding some information we received in the post on pensions and said they spent about 45 mins talking and it was nice. Some part of me felt upset about them meeting - don't know why........

Special occasions are starting to creep up - my husbands 50th in October, my daughters and my birthday and of course Christmas - I am dreading them all, so need to find something positive to do for each occasion. No idea what I should do re my husband's 50th - do I send him a card ?