Two days to go

Had another difficult day. I am having very odd dreams which are causing me to cry in my sleep and wake up with swollen eyes. I had two dreams last night that I can remember. The first of a strange man trying to get me to be in a relationship with him. Claiming he had never had a relationship with anyone before and acting very neurotic. The second of my husband waking me one morning with a kiss telling me he is back. I was scared in the first and overjoyed in the second.

I stupidly dressed up and tried to look and smell as attractive as possible for the party yesterday, hoping he might notice me again and think - why am I leaving her ? But these things don't happen in real life do they....
It occurred to me today that single men may think that I am 'on the market' now or after them in some way. I hope I don't give any such signals off as I certainly am not looking for a new relationship. I'll be waiting in hope that my husband does return. If after a very very long time that doesn't happen then I still won't be looking for another man. If it happens, it happens, but I won't be actively searching.

We've both had tears again today. My husband particularly because he said he was writing a letter to my daughters and I for when he leaves. I still am finding it hard to understand why he gets so upset when he is off to do what he wants to do ? Does he really want to go ? I still think she has poisoned his mind - its almost as if he is doing this against his will.

I managed to clear the air with another thing that was bothering me with another friend. That along with the message I sent to the manipulating ***** has helped me to say what I want. Time to try and move on. Oh and the manipulating ***** is not going to reply to my message because my husband has told her not to :-( She and he are upset that I am mostly blaming her - too damn right. I can forgive my husband but never her.

I think I'm going to start to get paranoid now as everyone is telling me not to trust him or her. I certainly don't trust her ! And that I should protect myself, take his keys away etc. etc. He has promised me that he doesn't want anything apart from his personal things and won't force me to sell the house. I'm scared that she will tell him to do things that are also uncharacteristic of him and start to make trouble for me and the girls. I don't want to get nasty to him and hope he follows through with what he says he will do.

One thing that has become clear to me today is that I need to keep busy on things not to do with him. The last two weeks have been unbearable because I have been on holiday from work and so we've been around each other a lot. Something I always used to love doing over the Christmas period.

Back to work tomorrow and my last evening with him.....