I think this is the lowest I have felt

Nothing much to say today except I feel very very low. I had to drag myself to do everything and wasn't really bothered about my dance class or the first rehearsal of our next show. Normally I would enjoy them both but all I felt like doing was crying. I was on the verge of it with a few tears throughput the day. I have no energy and can't think straight. He texted me this morning and I responded reminding him that in the eyes of God we are married 'till death do us part'. Its now 12:50am and I've just about finished what I need to do before bed. So only six hours sleep again which will probably be un restful. I've also lost my appetite again.

Oh when when will something nice happen to cheer me up ?

The wedding ring is off :-(

Sorry folks that are reading this - another up and down day.

Started off by crying through most of the service at Church. Everything seemed to set me off and I spent most of the time hunched forwards looking down - what is wrong with me ???

Then at a meeting at my theatre group which my husband attended I noticed that he has taken his wedding ring off. I know that she asked him to do that (he told me previously). Bit by bit she is taking away anything that links us together. I'm just waiting for him to change his facebook profile to say he is not married to me and in a relationship with her. My confidence has plummeted and I am so scared again. I HATE BEING LIKE THIS - ITS NOT ME - LOOK WHAT SHE HAS DONE TO ME <SOB>.

I know I need to pull myself out of this and try and move on but I can't ...........

This evening was nicer. I went with three girlfriends to see the show 'Showstoppers' being recorded for Radio 4. It was nice to get out and talk and do something else. But everything seems to be laced with sadness because it is not with him.

I am so not looking forward to next week - in fact I've even considered leaving the theatre group and dropping doing murder mysteries and the governors. My heart isn't in anything anymore, its all such an effort and I don't know if I can be bothered. What is happening to me ???????????

I'm so cross

A later than normal posting for the 29th January as I was out for a nice meal with good friends last night and just wanted my bed when I got in.

This morning I'm planning to go to Church for the first time in a few weeks. Not sure how I will feel and behave especially after the events of yesterday.

I was so cross yesterday. I heard from a friend that they had bumped into my husband and told him what they thought about how he had handled everything. He said that he was happy and that people do not know what goes on behind closed doors......... now maybe I'm being over sensitive and reading things into that, but to me that suggests that he wasn't happy when with me and that there were problems in our marriage. That really really upset me again and I fear I am back to square one.

I had to text him (rightly or wrongly) saying I was glad he was happy but I wish he had had the decency to have told me he wasn't happy so we could have discussed it and worked thought it. So we shared a few texts that went along the lines of - 'I never said that - I have been consistent in saying you have done nothing wrong - whoever told you that has misinterpreted what I said'.... he then proceeded to try and call me on the phone.... ' I told him I was too upset and didn't want to talk to him .... bye' he responded that he was now upset too and that he was sorry I was cross and full of rage. Too damn right.

Lucky him that he can be so happy ....................................................... I know I am being a misery but I can't can't can't get out of this......................maybe I am depressed................I spent about an hour sobbing again and so wanted a hug from someone. I seriously was thinking of ending it all ...............the only thing that is really keeping me going is my daughters, I couldn't do that to them.

I hate 2011 already :-(

So far 2011 has been a crap year.... today my youngest daughter fell out with her boyfriend. She doesn't at the moment know if they are still together or not - she loves him but he is being an idiot. Sound familiar ??

We were supposed to be going to his new band's first gig but ended up staying at home watching videos with a Chinese meal. Whilst its lovely to be doing this with my daughter I really hate her being upset. She too is having a down time and is also upset about her dad leaving.

I'm usually such a positive person but I still can't drag myself out of the dumps.

I do at last have something to look forward to as one of my friends has booked a couple of days away for us at the end of February - just to have time to chill out.

I'm so tired :-(

I had another bad night. I was sitting in bed last night and listening to some music especially 'Papa can you hear me' when it hit me again that he had gone. I sobbed and sobbed. I ended up going to sleep very late and I didn't sleep well - I guess a mix of that plus knowing I had to go into school in the morning to do something I really wasn't looking forward to. I looked like death warmed up when I got up in the morning.

I ended up having an unpleasant morning but a reasonable afternoon at work. A colleague at work whom I don't really know that well came to me this morning and put a pot plant on my desk. I asked what it was for and she just smiled and walked off. How nice was that !! I didn't leave till late and I am quite behind now because of the tiredness and having to manage all these other things that my husband and I used to share.

This evening has been spent writing a significant letter and making phone calls - again for school governor business. I need some 'me' time - I rarely had it before but need it more than ever now. I do feel like I am going under.

My daughter was going to come back from uni this weekend but has so much work she can't :-(

I officially start my next OU module on Saturday - at the moment I have no idea how I am going to manage it.

Whilst everyone has been so nice and expressing their sadness at what has happened and saying how mad my husband must be, they all have their own lives to live so can't be around me all the time. I am not good at asking for help or hugs. Time should heal and even though it is three weeks since he has left I don't feel like I am moving on fast. Time should heal but at the moment I am probably coming over as being morose to everyone so I can understand why folk may not want to spend too much time with me. I need to move on but can't find a way to do that yet........

Its been three weeks

Today is three weeks since he left. Do I feel any different ? No not really. I guess I can talk about it now without completely falling to pieces, but I still cry. It hurts so much when people don't know and they talk to me about him. For instance when I was leaving the school today (after doing some governors duties) the reception staff mentioned they had seen him on 'The Weakest Link'. I still love him so much and have hope in my heart that he may return. I keep going really for the sake of the girls. If it were just me....... well I don't know how far I would go.

I've been reflecting again on what the future looks like if he doesn't come back and I really don't like it. Our plans for retirement, relaxation and travel have really gone through the window. So not only has the manipulating ***** ruined my life now, she has for our/my future too. That makes me feel like its not worth living for the future any more - so sad :-(

I guess I am having a down day again today. Not many up days yet...... True that the house is cleaner, there is less washing, ironing, rubbish, spending etc etc. but all of it has no purpose when you have no one to share it with, especially the one you really love. I still feel empty.

More broken things

I don't know what is wrong with me I keep dropping things. Maybe its tiredness. Today I dropped the cat's bowl and it smashed everywhere. Here I am once again at 20 to 1 in the morning trying to get things all done before I go to sleep. At some point I will work out how to do everything in a normal day.

Not much else to say today except I talked it all through with another friend and I still love him - can't hate him - hate her with a passion  - feel so sad about not sharing the future with him and that plans we had made won't happen. I had hoped to retire early and travel - that won't happen now so she has totally screwed the rest of my life up. The manipulating ***** ................grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr........................I hate her soooooooooooooo much......................... I hate to say I am wishing all kinds of horrible things for her.

Not looking forward to the next few weeks

Struggled to get up this morning - again! I dragged myself to work and managed to get going eventually. I'm lucky I have my job and nice colleagues.

I had a call from my husband mid morning to let me know that a lady I was rather fond of from church had died in her sleep this morning. It was expected but just another thing to whip up my emotions. I had to try really hard not to cry at work. The funeral is week after next - I will be a state at it :-( This week and next I have some difficult governors meetings to do which I am not looking forward to.

My husband was on 'The Weakest Link' tonight. After watching it I just fell in love with him all over again - he is such a nice man and I miss him so much.

I'm finding at the moment that to fit everything in I need to leave work earlier - that is putting strain on me getting my work done.

Once I got home this evening I decided to make myself a small meal and then went to bed early. I've been in bed doing things on the laptop and trying to catch up with some things. I think its time to go to sleep now - or at least try....... what will tomorrow bring ?

Its been one of those days :-(

All in all its been a rubbish weekend mixed with a couple of good events.

After all the emotional times yesterday, today has been no better. The after show was fine though it did finish at 1pm which is early and I didn't get drunk.

This morning I again found it hard to sleep and after forcing myself to stay in bed eventually got up at 9:30am. I got a text from someone telling me that the out show for Music Hall next week was cancelled. As I didn't know about this (and I was a joint director) I had to enquire from the music hall rep and other director. Apparently I should have had a call - but I didn't so I was one of the last to find out. That annoyed me - so not a good start. Then my daughter managed to drop a cup down the stairs which shattered all over the floor. And then I managed to knock a hot frying pan with oil in it over and burnt my hand and leg. Ironically it was on my left hand on my finger with my wedding ring. As it started to swell I had to take my ring off - is someone trying to tell me something ? That along with not being able to unscrew my daughters car light to sort the indicator out was just too much. Individually each thing is small but together with my current state of mind just led to tears.  I didn't get any time once again to chill out, I just seem to be running around trying to do everything,

I finished off the day helping with the youth theatre group and then going to the pub quiz with friends - we came third :-) However I came back to an empty house and am once again alone going to sleep very late )its 12:30 pm now). .I do hope I have a better week - though with some of my governor duties this week I somehow think its going to be very very stressful.

Another bad start

I thought I would write this earlier today as it is the last night of Music Hall and then we have an after show party - so there is no telling what time I will get back and what state I will be in.........

The start to the day was awful. I didn't sleep well and eventually got up around 10am with my eyes all crusty and in a cold sweat - it took me a while to get going. I had arranged to meet my husband in town to change our joint bank account into my name only. When I had parked up I couldn't find the paperwork so assumed I had left it at home. I rang him and as he was on the road he drove to our house and hunted for it with no luck. So I had to leave the car park and drive home - I too couldn't find it. Eventually he found it in the boot of my car - it had slipped between the seat and gone into the boot. All of this stupidly caused me to cry and feel completely duff. My head is not working properly at all - I guess the emotion is taking over :-( Anyhow we got to the bank and sorted that out.

At this point (1pm) I hadn't had a drink or anything to eat - so he took me for a cuppa and insisted on buying me a toastie.

Following that my daughter joined me in town and we did a bit of shopping before going to Halfords to have her bulb changed in her tailgate light. Well another trauma - it was temperamental but eventually we got it working, however by the time she got home the indicator light had stopped working. Someone or something is trying their utmost to de stable me - won't be hard at the moment.

So now I am sitting here writing this and will be leaving soon to watch the show. Some nice friends have offered me a lift so I can have a drink. More later...........

A bad start to the day

I was just about to leave for work this morning when my husband appeared on the door step (well actually he drove there) with our dog.  Remember yesterday I posted a comment about the things that he and she put on facebook ? Well he came around to finish the discussion we started last night about the impact this had on our daughter and me. He couldn't see why we were upset. I tried to explain that our daughter is upset because it feels to her that he has a new family and has lost interest in them. He couldn't see that either. I requested that they took more care in what they posted and he said he couldn't ask them to do that.

Anyhow, he must have thought about it because I got a text apologising and saying that he had talked with the manipulating ***** who had said it was all innocent fun and didn't realise we could see it. They would be more careful in future. He also texted our daughter to apologise and say that he will always be her father and wanted to be part of her life. Her response was that she wouldn't add him back straight away.

I did send him another text pointing out that he had said that the manipulating *****'s daughter was being difficult but they seemed to be accepting that more than our daughters reaction and that wasn't fair.

I noted when he came around that he is being very short and snappy and he said he was stressed !!!!! And I'm not ?????

Anyhow I've been plotting with friends tonight and we are planning to go and see the play Calendar Girls. That along with one or two other things such as arranging a Burlesque workshop is getting me out and about.

I had another cry in the car on the way home from work today as well as an angry fit about her again. I was shaking and felt quite weak and sick.  Things are again starting to get on top of me especially the Chair of Governors things I am being asked to do during the daytime - hello I have a job I have to do........ I'm looking forward to a lie in - I hope I can.

Facebook is going to be a problem

So we've had a bit of an upset tonight thanks to facebook. The manipulating ***** posted something on her daughters status naming my husband and her and my husband responded - of course my daughters and I can see this. As a consequence of this one of my daughters has now blocked her father off facebook. She doesn't want to see him with his 'new family'. As I saw him tonight I had to let him know that insensitive postings by her and him will likely lead to trouble and more hurt. He couldn't see that and said it was madness to expect her not to post anything about them - its been only just over two weeks since he left !!!

I think facebook has a valuable role to play in social networking but it can also be very damaging as I have found - the affair started on facebook and now comments and status postings are going to cause more hurt.

I'm not looking forward to the show tomorrow - some of her close friends are coming to see it.

I just want to hug him and him to hug me back :-(

Moving on ?

I had a lovely chat today with a gay friend of mine who too had split up from his partner a few years ago. He is such a positive upbeat person. I have to say I felt a whole a lot better after it. I am crying less and starting to get used to being on my own more. In some ways it is nice to be able to do what I want without worrying about getting home for my husband - I wonder if I am starting to move on now ?

I decided tonight that I will go to an anniversary party in early Feb that I was initially unsure about going to on my own. I'm looking forward to dressing up and letting my hair down amongst friends.

'Dragonfly out in the sun you know what i mean dont you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleepin' peace when day is done that's what I mean
And this old world is a new world and a bold world for me'

I've tried to hate him

It seems that I am supposed to get angry and hate my husband. I tried hard to feel hate for him but can't. I just feel love for him still and when I try I just cry. I feel so lost. I feel like I am just existing with no real purpose in my life anymore. I can't think about my future or what I want to do :-(

A couple of friends who know saw me for the first time today. I got hugs and they noted how shocked they were and how stupid he is. One of them said what I feel - it is plainly wrong for another woman to break up a marriage that was ok - and even if it wasn't strong marriages work things through. That is always what we have done and probably would have again if the manipulating ***** hadn't pursued him. This made me cry.

A friend and I are planning to go away for a couple of days just to chill. I'm looking forward to that.

He hardly texts me at all now. I'm not sure if that is because people have told him not to or if he is now less bothered.

I can't seem to get to bed early - I always have so much to do when I get home. I can't yet seem to get the balance right and as I'm having to pick things up he would normally do I find I get even less time to relax and sleep :-(

I'm trying to think of positive things like being able to do what I want when I want, the house being tidier, the food shopping being cheaper, the bins being emptier, less toilet rolls, less ironing etc. But none of these can replace the love of my life that I have lost.

I had to drive to Harlow today which was a longer drive than normal and I can't remember most of the drive as all I could do was think about what has been and what I've done and what will be. Everyone says its not my doing - its him - but you can't help going over and over it. I need that break...............

I sooo miss the dog :-(

Well he came around tonight and stayed for a couple of hours. I loved seeing the dog and miss her being around, but it would not be fair on her as I am out so much.

I found it hard to talk to him - just wanted to go over all the reasons why again - I can't seem to move on :-( He is upset the girls are not talking to him - I said what does he expect - he has hurt us all so much. I tried to clarify the twisted message that she sent which was different to what he had told me - he couldn't see that they were different. I said why didn't he let her see my response and he said he didn't want a slanging match as it would be him that got hurt!!!!! I need to do this for some closure.....

That party that I mentioned before - everyone seems to be suggesting I shouldn't go as I will see them together. I'm so torn - I don't want to get upset - but why should they get their wish of not having me there. I'm afraid as to what I might do and say to her - but that wouldn't be fair to the friend who's party it is - what shall I do ???

I'm finding myself very distracted all the time and can't seem to focus on anything for long. Oh I so long to be 'normal' again.......One good (ish) thing is my appetite is back. But I still feel tired all the time.

I still feel really angry at the manipulating *****, she has really wound him around her little finger so he is besotted with her. I feel sick at the thought of them together.

The dark mornings and all this rain at the moment doesn't help - I just feel unhappy and lonely all the time. I really am not myself and probably making everyone else fed up because I am so morose :-( If you are one of my friends reading this - I apologise I don't want to be like this but I am finding it hard to drag myself out of it. Maybe I am actually depressed ? Oh he suggested counselling to me - after what it did for him - I don't think so in a million years ................

I need a break

I had a lovely lie in this morning and then sat in bed with some breakfast and my laptop trying to clear email. I then spent a couple of hours with my mother and sister in law plus my nephew and my great niece :-) It was the first time I've seen her - she is so cute.

The afternoon was spent doing those boring things such as ironing etc. But I did make a roast and my daughter and he boyfriend came around to join me for dinner. The evening followed with going to the pub with friends to do a quiz.

I always seem to be reasonably OK during the day but as night time approaches I start to feel low. Don't know why - maybe it sbecause I know I am going to an empty bed. My daughter is home again tonight so that is nice.

Everything in my life is again very busy and in some cases complicated and they are dragging me down - work, school governance on top of not having my husband around to talk things through and to share with. I really miss that - he was a person I could chat these things through with. I'm sure he would be happy to still do so, but I don't feel it is appropraiet to do it - he has his new life now. I feel like I can't let him in to my life and feelings any more. He betrayed me and can't have valued our marriage. I know he is trying to find out from others what I am doing etc. but I don't want him to know - let him stew.....

I would still have him back - but the longer he is gone - I'm not sure how I will feel - I don't want to go through such pain again.

I've asked him to come over tomorrow with the dog (I want to see our dog). I also want to challenge him on what the manipulating ***** had responded to me and try and find out who is lying. I feel an emotional evening coming on :-(

I think I need to go away for a few days and just have some me time to reflect and try to get emotionally sorted so I can give myself permission to be happy and move on. Iona springs to mind - but you have to book that years ahead of time. I'll have to have a think and see what I can come up with.

Good hair day !

Well I had a little lie in this morning which was nice. I woke up and could have sworn I head someone in the house hiccoughing and thought maybe my daughter had slipped in early - but she wasn't there - so I think it must have been one of the cats.

I had my hair done today and had so many complimentary comments from folks down at the theatre - that was really nice and made me feel good for the first time in a while.

I'm shattered after having been on my feet doing bar, clearing and washing up fro two shows - I'm going to try and have a long lie in tomorrow.

And its nice because my daughter is home tonight :-)

I've had a chat tonight with others who have been in break ups with partners. Its amazing how you don't know these things till you chat to folks. They all say that I will get over it in time and that I am a strong woman. The other think I have noticed is that the women seem to be in one of two camps

1. those who seem to need/want/end up with a man in their life again and
2. those who think men are not worth it and don't want another man

I'm definitely in camp 2 at the moment. If my husband doesn't want to come back then that's it ! We had a short chat today about that money issue and he still seems supportive and wants to ensure that I am ok and do not have any problems. I had said to him that we had nothing to talk about at the moment but he said that because our daughters are not talking to him, he wants to talk to me to find out what they are doing etc. He said he didn't know that one had gone to Cardiff with her boyfriend - he only found out via facebook.

He is still a nice man - he is not evil or a liar so I'm sure that the things that she replied to me in her message back is not right. Either she is in cloud cookoo land or she is lying.

I still can't give myself permission to be happy - it doesn't feel right........ when will I feel like I need to say sod it why should I suffer because of her and he has made his decision so he can stuff it ? Mentally/logically  I know I should do that but I can't - why ??

Seven years ?

I'v erecently spoken to two people who have been through a break up with their partners. Both said it took them seven years to really get over it and feel ready to let someone else into their lives. I also got thinking about how it could work with me staying friends with him but never wanting to see her. How is he going to manage to do that ? I suspect it would mean we rarely see each other.

I had a message from him today asking to borrow the sat nav for a forthcoming trip he nneeds to make, but also suggesting that I may like to have our dog over for weekends or part days. Rightly or wrongly I got suspicious and thought it was beacuse they didn't want the dog around, so said that. The response I got was that he was only trying to be nice and I immediately thought he was being horrible. So I thought why did I react like that ? And I guess it is because the trust has gone. That is so sad as he was the only person in the world that I fully trusted. I do trust both my daughters but I don't want to burden them with my worries - I need to support them as they are upset too.

I phoned the bank today to see how to change the account into my name only especially as all my salary goes into it. We have to go into a branch and sign something - so that is something we need to arrange soon.

I'm so scared about the financial side of things. I've heard so many horror stories and am now imaging all the really bad things that could happen including having to sell the house and the girls and I having no where to live - omg - omg - omg........

I can't stand all of this .....................................................................................................<sob>

I'm exhausted

I'm finding at the moment I am really just getting through the day. I feel numb and am very much going through the motions. I feel exhausted - mentally, emotionally and physically. This is so not like me - I usually have loads of energy. I suspect it has something to do with the fact I am not sleeping properly.

I got no texts from my husband today at all. I visited my friend who had her op yesterday - it was good to see she was herself and looking well. Hopefully she will be out at the weekend. My daughter told me that her and her boyfriend are back together so that was really good news - she is happy :-)

I can't really get my mind around writing much today - sorry........

Its been a week

Its been a week now since he left. Do I feel any better ? Yes and No. Not having him around all the time helps especially if I am busy, but there are many times when I find my mind wandering going over and over the same things. Things he has said, what I could have done differently, will he come back, what is my life going to be like, I feel lonely and so on. Even with my daughters and all my wonderful friends who have been so caring, I feel empty and lonely inside.

Its a different kind of lonely - one where you have lost your soulmate, the person you talk to about anything and everything and whilst my friends I am sure would be happy for me to talk to them, they have their own lives to live and can't possibly be there every minute of the day for me. Also I am not very good at asking for help - don't know why - just always tried to manage myself - I don't like to bother people.

One of my friends her just had a major op, so she will need some tlc until she is better.

My husband brought me some of my favourite bread and gave it to me last night. That was hard. I'm not really a bread eater but I do like a nice rye bread (takes me back to my childhood).

This morning whilst driving to work I suddenly noticed his car was in front of me and this hand was waving. It took me a while to realise that it was him - I noticed the number plate first and it took a few seconds to sink in. I don't know at what point that happened at but it wasn't too far from my house and quite a way from where he is living now. He may have been driving somewhere to walk the dog. Anyhow that set me off and I cried the rest of the way to work. I must have looked a state when I went in :-( No one ever says anything !

One of the guys at work asked me how I was and said he couldn't imagine how it felt and that he was there if I wanted to talk. I just said he should continue to be himself - a cheery chappie - as that helped me during the working day.

A US colleague whom I told in December, sent me a letter in the internal post. As I was out on holiday over Christmas I have only just got it. In fact I found it amongst my post and didn't want to open it at work. I've read it and as well as offering her support she being a commited Christian kindly wrote a prayer for me (and him). That set me off - how kind of her. Not long after I read that the Vicar from Church called to see how I was.......

I'm still not sleeping well. Its odd in an empty house and with no one in the bed with me (man or dog!). I wake up often in the night and my sleep is not what I would call good sleep. And then in the morning my jaw hurts - I think I must be clenching it in my sleep. I so need a lie in.

My daughter and I went shopping after work today - we wandered around Tesco together and bought hopefully things we will eat. It was nice shopping together, but its not something I want to do regularly - I think online shopping it will be again.

Anyhow I'm going to try and have a slightly earlier night tonight - and I have my daughter sleeping here tonight :-) Tomorrow we have the first night of the show and I'll be visiting my friend in hospital between work and going to the theatre - so it'll be a busy day.

Day 6

I really feel like I am just going through the motions - up early, work, home to eat, out to the theatre group, home to be on my own, bed late, can't sleep - feel sad all the time - what kind of an existance is that ?

I still can't believe he has gone. Its so difficult seeing him every night at the moment :-(

He kindly took my daughters car to have the flat tyre sorted and it ended up needing four new tyres - could have done without that!

He brought me some of the rye bread I like from Waitrose and gave it to me down at the theatre. Its kind of him to do that but so mixes up my emotions - what do I say but a pathetic thanks.

That roller coaster of emotions are still there but I'm scared I'm going to become a bitter twisted lonely woman. Sometimes I feel nothing..........

Day 5

I've had a really bad day today. I feel totally exhausted. Probably because I am not sleeping or eating properly :-(

Today started with me finding it hard to get out of bed, then my daughter had a flat tyre so I had to drive her to work. I was late to work and then had problems parking. Then I left my glasses in the car so had to go back out and in again. Then I had problems connecting my laptop to the network. It took till midday before I got it up and running. And I had a day of back to back meetings that I had to really work hard in. I didn't leave till nearly 6pm, so didn't really have time to cook a meal before going down to the theatre. Driving home I felt physically and emotionally exhausted and was shaking. I had to push myself hard to grab a quick snack and then drive to the theatre.

I had no idea how I was going to get the tyre sorted so suggested my daughter ring my husband and ask if he could pop around the house and call the AA in to sort it. He did agree to do that - I really didn't want to ask.... My daughter has a temporary tyre fitted now so we have to get to a tyre place as a matter of urgency. Will try and sort something Wednesday lunchtime - yet something I could do without.

I'm really missing my husband - hearing his voice on the phone today for the first time since last Wednesday was heart wrenching.

I really feel like I am on a roller coaster. I started to feel OKish on Sat and Sun - feeling very down tonight :-(

Day 4

I tried to keep myself busy today so I wouldn't feel so lonely. The house is so quiet without my husband, the dog and the girls here. It feels so odd and I have to say I feel a little nervous about being on my own. I'm still not sleeping well and feel really tired through the day. I am starting to get black circles under my eyes :-(

Told a couple more people today who didn't know - once again shock and disbelief - everyone says what a nice couple we were. Makes it very hard to hear that.

I went for a mile and a half walk with a friend this morning. The sun was shining and that always makes you feel better than when its wet and dark. It was nice to be out in the fresh air and getting some exercise.

Most of the rest of the day was spent on catching up on emails and ironing and so on. A bit of listening to sad songs and crying too.

And then this evening I joined a group of friends for a pub quiz. We've agreed to do that every Sunday evening until we start back at choir in late March.

My younger daughter returned from her weekend away and promptly had a go at me for not eating properly. She insisted on making me a packed lunch for work tomorrow.

I still would like him to come back but have already decided that if he wants to come back in the next few weeks I will ask him to go and live with his mum for a couple of weeks so he can decide if that is really what he wants to do. I don't know if he will come back, I'm thinking more and more it is unlikely so I need to start thinking about what I will do.

I'm going to take his bits and bobs I have here such as mails etc. to give to him at the theatre group tomorrow.

He seems to be keen to know what I did yesterday that I couldn't see him and where I went for a walk today. I'm keeping texts simple and to the point and not really telling him much. If he wanted to be in my life and know then he shouldn't have left me for 'her'. I'm also staying off facebook and skype chat and not posting much - let him wonder what I am up to...........

Day 3

Despite being really really tired I am not getting a good nights sleep and seem to always wake up with gammy or puffy eyes. I woke up far earlier than I wanted to this morning even though I could have had a lie in. Something really spooky happened though - I keep my ipod beside my bed and not long after I woke up it started playing on its own - it played 'Feeling Good' my new signature tune - and just that, nothing else. How weird is that ?

My daughter went back to uni today. She cried a little as she hugged me to leave. Its the first time I've seen her cry during all this. She was going back to celebrate a friends 21st birthday - I hope she has a good time and can enjoy it. My other daughter is in Cardiff for the weekend with her boyfriend. She has texted me a couple of times to check I am ok.

I spent the afternoon in a meeting to start planning the next show that we will be working on. One of the team whom I hadn't seen in a while was so supportive when she found out. She sat talking to me for an hour (or possibly more I wasn't looking!) she let me talk and shared some of her own personal experiences. I found it so helpful.

This evening I worked behaind the bar at the party I was invited to. I found it easier to do that than 'party'. As many of the theastre group whom we haven't seen for a while were there, I had many many people come up and give me hugs and support. I really really didn't realise how much people care. One perosn was very upset she said she saw my husband and me almost like the mother and father of the group and felt a loss.

Only had five texts today......he wanted to know where I was today so I couldn't see him - I just said out....

How am I feeling now ? Very sad, a little lonely when in the house, less anger but still hate 'her', real disappointment with my husband, worried about what will happen next. I really need to take each day as it comes for the moment and not make too many plans.

Day 2

I worked from home today so as to be able to help my daughter get ready for going back to uni tomorrow. Its the first time I've been able to work in the study for ages as usually my husband is in there. It was a nice change. Its been an ok day compared to previous ones with less tears.

I recieved a response from the manipulating ***** to my message to her. I was disgusted at what she wrote and if anything she says is true, then my husband can't love me anymore. I have had nine texts messages from him today. I responded to tell him what I thought about her message and he has been frantically trying to call me. I have not picked up and I have told him I don't want to see him and the dog tomorrow. I actually wouldn't mind seeing the dog - but what the hell would I talk to him about ? The person I am starting to see is not the husband I love - he is changing already and I'm starting to see some anger from him..... hmmmmm...... what is that all about ?

The cats are living it up without the dog :-)

It's the first day since this all started that I felt like listening to music properly again. I love music and have missed it but apart from the odd sad song I haven't been able to listen to any music. I listened to the 'happy' CD my daughter made for me. I've decided that 'my' song going forward will be 'Feeliing Good' a Nina Simone/Michael Buble song. I'm going to learn this and sing at future Karaokes :-)

I went for dinner to some really good friends tonight. It was a lovely lovely evening and they made me feel so welcome and helped me take my mind off things. I love all my friends to bits for everything they are doing to help me through this.

Day 1

Today has been the first full day without my husband around. It has again been so painful. I didn't sleep last night - I didn't get to bed till about 2am and then couldn't sleep much and was up at 7am to get to work for an early meeting.

Work in some ways is a blessing as I work with a really happy friendly bunch of people and its helping me to focus on other things. When you manage a group of people you have to think of them. I work in an open plan office so not really on my own at all. But as soon as I got close to leaving I started thinking about everything and had to stop myself from crying, I managed it until the walk to the car. I got so very angry - with the manipulating ***** again and wanted to hurt her so badly. I tried to feel hate for my husband but couldn't - I still love him. How could he hurt me and my daughters si much ? 

He keeps texting me - had five from him today. I tried hard not to respond - and only did the once. I did however send him an email explaining why I blanked him yesterday and how this is hurting the girls in very different ways. One daughter is very cross and feels very like me about 'her' - hence the message she sent yesterday. The other doesn't want to talk about it so I feel is bottling it all up - I hope she doesn't get ill.

I went for a meal with the girls tonight to Prezzo - partly beacuse one duaghter is off back to uni and a chance for us to all be together. It was nice but quite subdued. Its the most I have eaten for weeks. I didn't have lunch today. My youngest duaghter is being liek a 'mother' to me and insisted I ate some lunch - I had to lie and say I had had something :-( I really don't feel like eating as I feel physically sick and have a tummy ache a lot of the time.

The cats are really enjoying the absence of our dog - they have taken over the house with the black feral one coming in more and spreading herself around for strokes. 

I can’t believe that my husband who says he still loves me and have loved me for over 30 years can let another individual whom he has known for such a short time influence him so much as to put me through so much hurt. I’m sitting here watching a psychology programme on BBC 4 talking about Pavlov and Skinner and how consistent reinforcements changes an individual’s behaviour to how you want them to be. I believe this to be what the manipulating ***** has done to him. She used sex as the initiator – the more sex she gave him along with the words ‘I love you’ has led to his behaviour change such that she influenced him to leave me for her. I think he was looking for a way out of a rut that he felt he had got himself in – not with me – which is why he says he still loves me – but with his life. No job, doing some things he really didn’t want to do. His biggest mistake was not sitting down with me and having a proper discussion about it so we could work out a way forward.

I have always been a very positive person and can usually find a way to move forward. She has destroyed this in me. My life has changed forever.

  
I found this on the web today - I think it describes her very well.....

The "stages" that women often experience during the course of their long-term relationships                           

Several years into my research I was able to identify distinctive patterns and behaviors in the women I interviewed.  I categorized these into four separate “stages” that women often experience during the course of their long-term relationships. The stages begin with a loss of sexual desire.

Stage 1

Women at Stage 1 feel as though something is missing in their lives. They have all the things that they wanted—a home, a family, a great husband—but they feel they should be happier. Over time, many women in this stage begin to lose interest in sex. It is not uncommon for them to spend a great deal of energy trying to avoid physical contact with their husbands because they fear it might lead to a sexual encounter. They frequently complain of physical ailments to avoid having sex and often try to avoid going to bed at the same time as their husbands. They view sex as a job, not unlike doing the dishes or going to the grocery store. Some women in Stage 1 claim they feel violated when their husbands touch them.  Their bodies freeze up and they feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach. The majority of women in Stage 1 feel as though there is something wrong with them, that they are in some way defective. They are also fearful that their disinterest in sex will cause their husbands to cheat, or worse yet, leave them.

 Stage 2

Women at Stage 2 experience reawakened desire stimulated by an encounter outside the marital relationship. Whether these encounters with a "new" man involves sex or remain platonic, women will typically give a tremendous amount of emotional significance to these encounters.

Many women in this stage haven't felt any sexual desire for a long time. Many experience tremendous guilt and regret, regardless of whether their new relationships are sexual, merely emotional, or both. Most begin to experience what could be termed an identity crisis—even those who try to put the experience behind them. Constant reminders are everywhere. They feel guilt when the topic of infidelity arises, whether in the media, in conversations with family and friends, or at home with their husbands. Women in this stage can no longer express their prior disdain for infidelity without feeling like a hypocrite. They feel as though they have lost a part of themselves. Reflecting society’s belief that women are either “good” or “bad,” women will question their “good girl” status and feel that they might not be deserving of their husbands. Many will try to overcome feelings of guilt by becoming more attentive toward and appreciative of their husbands. However, over time many women will move from appreciation to justification. In order to justify their continued desire for other men, women will begin to attribute these desires to needs that are not being met in their marriage, or to their husband’s past behavior. Many women will become negative and sarcastic when speaking of their husbands and their marriages and it is not uncommon for an extramarital affair to follow.

 Stage 3

Women at Stage 3 are involved in affairs, ending affairs, or contemplating divorce. Women who are having affairs experience feelings unlike anything they have experienced before. They feel “alive” again and many believe they have found their soul mates. These women are experiencing feelings associated with a chemically altered state, or what is typically referred to as being in love.

These women are also typically in tremendous pain, the pain of choosing between their husbands and their new love interests. They typically believe that what they are doing is wrong and unfair to their husbands, but yet are unable to end their affairs. Many often try several times. Prior to meeting with their lovers, they will vow that it will be the last time, but they are unable to stick with their decisions.

Unable to end their extramarital relationships, women at Stage 3 conclude that their lovers are soul mates because they are unaware that they have become addicted to the high caused by chemicals released during the initial stages of a relationship. Many live in a state of limbo for years. “Should I stay married or should I get a divorce?” this is the question continuously on the minds of women at Stage 3 - it is also common for women at this stage to attempt to initiate a separation. In most cases, husbands of women at Stage 3, will launch futile attempts to make their wives happy by being more attentive, spending more time at home and helping out around the house. Regardless of women’s past and present complaints, the last thing women at Stage 3 want, is to spend more time with their husbands.

The reason many women will give for their desire to separate is a “search for self.” They convince their husbands that they might be able to save their marriage if they can just have time to themselves. They tell their husbands that time apart is the only hope of improving their current situation. Women at this stage want to free themselves of the restrictions of marriage and spend more time with their lovers. Most think that eventually their confusion will disappear.  They think they will eventually know with certainty whether they want to stay married or get divorced and be with their lovers. Separation allows women at this stage, to enjoy the high they experience with their lovers without giving up the security of their marriages. Husbands of Stage 3 women are often unaware that their wives are having affairs. Their lack of suspicion is typically due to their wife’s disinterest in sex and in their belief that their wife is a “good girl.”

Women at Stage 3 may also be experiencing the ending of an extramarital affair, and the ending may not have been their decision. They may have been involved with single men who either lost interest because the relationship could not progress or who became attracted to another women who was single. Women whose affairs are ending often experience extreme grief. They may become deeply depressed and express tremendous anger toward their husbands. They are typically unaware that they are experiencing chemical withdrawal due to sudden changes in their brain chemistry. As a result, many will feel that they have missed their chance at happiness due to their indecisiveness.

Believing they have become more aware of what they want and need from a mate, women at this stage will often place the utmost importance on finding a "new" relationship that will give them the feeling they experienced in their affairs. A new relationship with a new partner will also represent a clean slate, a chance for these women to regain their “good girl” status. Some women will search for new partners during their separations. Others will return to their marriages, but not emotionally and still continue to search. Some women will resume sporadic sexual relations with their husbands in an effort to safeguard their marriage until they make a decision. Although they are often not sexually attracted to their husbands, desire is temporarily rekindled when they suspect their husbands are unfaithful, are contemplating infidelity, or when their husbands show signs of moving on.

 Stage 4

The women in stage four included those who chose to stay married and continue their affairs and those who chose to divorce. Some of the women who continued their affairs stated that marital sex was improved by maintaining the extramarital relationship. Some thought the lover was a soul mate, but for one reason or another did not leave their husband and did not feel torn between the two. Others realized that their feelings were intensified by not sharing day-to-day living arrangements with their lover. Almost all of the women in this latter category were having affairs with married men. They believed their affairs could continue indefinitely without disrupting either partner’s primary relationship.

The women who chose divorce and were in the beginning stages of a new relationship typically expressed relief at having finally made a decision and reported feeling normal again. Many of the divorced women who had remarried and were several years into their new marriages seemed somewhat reluctant to talk about the specifics of their past experiences. However, they did mention feelings of guilt and regret for having hurt their children and ex-spouses only to find themselves experiencing similar feelings in the new relationship. 

Gone.....

Well he left today. I  I returned from work and there were spaces everywhere where his clothes were, the dogs toys, his bedside cabinet and so on. He even took the two bottles of Whisky he had opened up.

I managed the day at work reasonably well as I was busy and  I had some lovely texts from friends thinking of me. But as soon as I got in the car the tears came.  I felt so many different emotions all rolled into one - love for him, hate, resent and anger for her, loss and confusion for me. I had a panic attack and had trouble breathing - not a good way to be driving a car. In fact I don't remember the drive home.

He had left the girls and me a letter, a jewellery gift each and two books about getting over relationship breakups. Well I just fell to pieces. Oh and I discovered that he had run up a mobile phone bill of over £300 which I have to pay until he can afford .

He tried to text, call me on Skype, facebook message me - I just ignored them all. I can't talk to him. So going down to rehearsal tonight was awful - I sobbed my heart out when I got there. Thank god for wonderful caring friends who hug you and hold you when you are sobbing. I blanked my husband and ignored him - it was too painful to look or talk to him. He didn't look happy and was texting her throughout the evening (on the pay as you go mobile he bought specially).

My wonderful daugher had made a meal for me when I got back after 11pm as I hadn't eaten much all day. And she had started to do an online Tesco shop for us. My other duaghter has been checking up on me since I got home and another wonderful friend called me for a supportive chat (thanks - you know who you are).

Well I'm off to bed now - I wonder if I will be able to sleep .....

Going going......

Tomorrow is the day. I'll return from work in the evening and he will be gone. And then I'll see him later down at our theatre group. That will be so weird and painful.

I worked from home today, so saw more packing. To be fair he has also been sorting out some other things and parts of the house are looking tidier as there is less in it.....

Our kindly vicar came around to speak to us both individually. He said I was suffering the same as someone grieving a death - I said its worse because not only do I have the loss, I have to then see him with another woman.

I'll be going to work tomorrow to try not to think about it too much but am not sure how I'm going to cope.

We've both had tears again today. I told him I was scared about what she might get him to do with regards to the house and other things. He again assured me that he was not going to take anything away from me. So many people keep telling me to protect myself - but I do trust him and don't want to make too many changes or rock the boat in case he does want to come back. The question will be how long should I wait ?

I need to find some things to do at the weekend once my daughter goes back to uni, so I'm busy and not having time to think too much about him and her. My other daughter will be away too because her boyfriend has arranged for them to go away (it's her Christmas present).

A lovely friend has invited me over to eat on Friday night and Saturday evening I will do the bar again for another friends party - this time without my husband.

I've been feeling sick and had a stomach ache all day - so couldn't eat till this evening. Doing wonders for the diet :-/

Two days to go

Had another difficult day. I am having very odd dreams which are causing me to cry in my sleep and wake up with swollen eyes. I had two dreams last night that I can remember. The first of a strange man trying to get me to be in a relationship with him. Claiming he had never had a relationship with anyone before and acting very neurotic. The second of my husband waking me one morning with a kiss telling me he is back. I was scared in the first and overjoyed in the second.

I stupidly dressed up and tried to look and smell as attractive as possible for the party yesterday, hoping he might notice me again and think - why am I leaving her ? But these things don't happen in real life do they....
It occurred to me today that single men may think that I am 'on the market' now or after them in some way. I hope I don't give any such signals off as I certainly am not looking for a new relationship. I'll be waiting in hope that my husband does return. If after a very very long time that doesn't happen then I still won't be looking for another man. If it happens, it happens, but I won't be actively searching.

We've both had tears again today. My husband particularly because he said he was writing a letter to my daughters and I for when he leaves. I still am finding it hard to understand why he gets so upset when he is off to do what he wants to do ? Does he really want to go ? I still think she has poisoned his mind - its almost as if he is doing this against his will.

I managed to clear the air with another thing that was bothering me with another friend. That along with the message I sent to the manipulating ***** has helped me to say what I want. Time to try and move on. Oh and the manipulating ***** is not going to reply to my message because my husband has told her not to :-( She and he are upset that I am mostly blaming her - too damn right. I can forgive my husband but never her.

I think I'm going to start to get paranoid now as everyone is telling me not to trust him or her. I certainly don't trust her ! And that I should protect myself, take his keys away etc. etc. He has promised me that he doesn't want anything apart from his personal things and won't force me to sell the house. I'm scared that she will tell him to do things that are also uncharacteristic of him and start to make trouble for me and the girls. I don't want to get nasty to him and hope he follows through with what he says he will do.

One thing that has become clear to me today is that I need to keep busy on things not to do with him. The last two weeks have been unbearable because I have been on holiday from work and so we've been around each other a lot. Something I always used to love doing over the Christmas period.

Back to work tomorrow and my last evening with him.....

Well I did it....

I've been mulling over whether I should send the manipulating ***** a letter telling her exactly how I feel. I drafted something a couple of days ago and spent last night in bed whilst crying my heart out for anther hour deciding what to do with it. I decided in the end to message it to her on facebook seeing as that is the place she came onto my husband initially. I was not rude in my letter but noted fact and how I was feeling. I await her response - and am listening out for a phone call to my husband. I have told him and showed him what I have written - he wasn't happy.....

The boxes in the hallway have all gone to her house now. And then I discover that whilst I am in church he is out with her at Argos buying new units for his DVDs! They were spotted by someone we know who I don't think is aware of the situation. It will be interesting to see what happens ....

After church I took the Christmas decorations down and now with a barer room and with areas of our study and dining room emptying out things are starting to look very different. In all the lonely time I will have soon I will probably have a big purge of things.

Everyone at church was great and those who didn't know were guess what - yes shocked ! They said that this behaviour was uncharacteristic of him and that 'the other woman' must have some sort of evil hold over him.

Tonight we are going to a friends party. I will be staying serving behind the bar as I don't think I should drink and certainly don't feel like partying. I'm doing the same next weekend but without him being there.

Its sad because I can feel the bitterness in me (for her not him) and can't give myself permission to be happy. I do hope time will heal me and help me move on - at the moment I can't contemplate that.

New Years Day - 1.1.11

Well what can I say ? Happy new year ? I woke up this morning after drinking far too much yesterday in better shape than I should have. I slept badly and had a bad dream about losing things of value and was sobbing again. My husband was up already having walked the dog and gone to Sainsbury's to get some food.

I tried to spend the day doing bits and bobs but am seeing the boxes piling up in the hallway - it is breaking my heart :-(

I planted some bulbs that my daughter and I won at raffles last year. They are due to bloom in April - I wonder how I will feel when they come out ?

I had previously said that I want to give 'her' a piece of my mind but my husband didn't want me to meet with her. So I've penned how I feel to send to her. Then he mentions to me that apparently a mutual friend is going to ask us all to his birthday party in March and that if we are going to meet we need to have done it before that! What a cheek her trying to dictate what I do !!!!!!! I said no I'll do it on my own terms and when I want. They don't want a scene at the party..... I don't think I could go to a party and see them together I would just end up crying the whole time or I will make that scene and that is not fair on the friend.

What do I do ? Do I send something to her now telling her what I feel and what I think she has done - try and meet up or just leave it ?

Another friend suggested I should forgive and move on...... I've forgiven my husband but her - I don't think I can ever forgive her - sorry for being so bitter but she has destroyed me....

I watched part of the new years eve concert from Vienna on TV and that set me off crying again - I don't know why - maybe bringing back childhood memories when life was simpler and I felt loved. I miss my mum and dad :-( I now have a big gap in my life and it will never be filled again unless he comes back to me.

I am so grateful for caring friends and family - only they will help me through this.