Its been over two years since I got the news

Its been over two years now since my husband told me he was leaving me for the manipulating ***** and I still can't discuss it with anyone without getting tears in my eyes.

The divorce proceedings have started I guess it will take a few months now for it to work through. I'm rather scared about it all - worried about what will be the final outcome - the one that my husband has asked for which is very fair or whether the manipulating ***** or the solicitor persuade him to go for more. My heart still doesn't want to do this but the head understands it is necessary.

I'm trying so hard to be positive and start to think about what I want in life. My youngest daughter gave me a lovely Christmas card in which she called me an independent woman. Am I ? I don't feel it...... I used to be - maybe I could be again ?

I really enjoyed my work Christmas meal last week up in London - its the first I have been to for the last two years. Whilst in London I took the opportunity to go and see a show - Top Hat. It was a lovely 'old fashioned' type show. I did want to get up and dance !! Yesterday I took myself off to see The Hobbit at the cinema. So I am trying to do things on my own though it still feels odd.

I'm off work now for 23 days :-) Seems like a great idea and I am looking forward to the break but wonder if I may be a little lonely either side of the Christmas days. So far its been a bit of both. Today I saw two friends who I don't get to speak to very often. It was lovely :-)

I'm off to audition for the next play at the theatre group tonight ' One flew over the cuckoos nest'. I'm pretty relaxed about whether I get a part or not - maybe too relaxed ! I've been humming and haaring as to whether I should audition so haven't really prepared. There are definite pros and cons to doing the show.

Oh I should mention that I passed my last OU module with the best mark I have had for the whole course so far :-) I also got a reasonable mark on my first assignment for one of my current two final modules. I only get a pass or fail for these two so as long as I don't mess up badly fingers crossed I am on the home run :-)

I'm going to try and have a fun Christmas - I have all my husband's family coming over to ours for Christmas day. My husband is coming over (alone!) for presents and games but not for the meal.... despite them being broke and in debt they (plus the three kids) are going to a pub for Christmas dinner..... My mother in law mentioned to me that he has told her that he wants to integrate the manipulating ***** into the family next year. So I don't know what that will mean for Christmas next year.....

The decision is made

It's been a while since my last post. Reasons being busy and going through a can't be bothered phase. So what has happened over the last month ?

I had my birthday - I went shopping with my daughters and we had a pamper at a beauty salon. It was lovely to spend some time with them both. In the evening both sets of boyfriends came around with flowers for me. I love flowers :-) it was so nice to have a houseful of 'family'. I do miss the company and often now find myself alone especially as I am not doing a show at the moment. I am working on two short OU courses to finish my degree but it has taken me a while to get enthused :-(

It is very noticeable for me that many - most - of my close friends now have new partners and so quite rightly their energy and time is spent with them. So I've been to the theatre and cinema on my own. I also visited my friend in Spain which was lovely. They are very good hosts and I was able to chill. They have invited me back next year which I will do. Maybe in feb to see the Almond blossom which is supposed to be beautiful.

I decided to file for divorce. Emotionally I don't want to do it but after another conversation with the solicitor became very clear that this is the only way I can protect the girls inheritance. My husband is in debt again so I've been giving him money but I want to ensure that once I have paid him what he said he wants he can't come back for more. He and the manipulating b***** can't manage money and I don't trust her or that she will give him so much grief that he comes back for more. When I said that to him at the solicitors he said he wouldn't . I noted that it was her that I didn't trust. Interestingly when the solicitor said to him what would you do if she asked you to get more money, he said he would say its over to her ! So how strong is this relationship ? He also eluded to the fact she was divorcing her husband and that wasn't going well plus he was thinking of going for divorce next year..... So what else could I do ?

I told his mother (by accident) as I assumed he had! I explained I didn't want it and why I was having to do it. I said I had hoped he would come back and she replied that she did too.... and then I got a note from his aunt and uncle saying that they had hoped it wouldn't come to this . They said I was still family to them regardless. I really appreciate that.

I have signed up for some more counselling as I think I am going to need it...... It's going to be strange especially as one of my OU modules is an intro to counselling. One thing that I have read recently I found interesting - it was suggested in these changing times that folk wouldn't remain in long term relationships but that as long as you had a deep relationship with someone it can change frequently.

I signed up to match.com to see what it was like but only lasted two weeks before deleting the account. I'm absolutely sure it's not for me. I'm not sure I can be bothered with a relationship any more. I'm going to stay single and become a bitter old woman :-(

Work is still busy but I've had some good feedback about the Olympics project. Despite that I know that for the last two years I have not been as focused as I would have been had this not happened. I'm cross that she and he put me in such a position.

I did attend a course which focused on all aspects of you, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. I was hoping to use this course to help me move on. I'm trying to psych myself up to make 2013 a great year for me. I'm still losing weight - slowly........but I do feel better for it.

The theatre group is really frustrating me at the moment as those folk who have created the biggest clique are trying to take on control of everything. And I seem to not be in any group anymore.

I'm trying to be more upbeat and positive. Sometimes it works and others it really doesn't. Ho hum.

Should I divorce ?

I always swore at the beginning of this change in my life that I would not be the one to divorce my husband. But having visited the solicitor again this week t seems that the best way to protect my interests and ensure that there is an inheritance for the girls I should perhaps start divorce proceedings. Speaking with a variety of friends they agree. Maybe it would help me move on but something is stopping me. In my heart  still have hope that he will return and I would still have him back - is that stupid ?

I have now managed to lose 2.5 stone in weight and folk are starting to notice :-) That makes me feel so good! Last night a chap in the pub asked me who my partner was and when I said I didn't have one he asked me how that could be possible !

I still flip flop between feeling confident and wanting to go and do things and apathy just wanting to stay at home. I'm wondering if I need to go and get some counselling to help me move on ? I have a course coming up at work that will be looking at health, and physical and emotional fitness. I'm a little scared about doing it as I'm hoping that I wont end up crying as it would be so embarrassing  On the other hand I was hoping it may help me plan some goals and move on.

I have booked a flight to go and visit my friends in Spain again and am trying to see if I can get out to Germany to see my cousins before Christmas.  also went ahead and booked myself on a weekend photography course in March next year. I'm really looking forward to that.

I had my exam for my last mandatory OU module and am now waiting for the results which I should get just before Christmas  And I had great fun performing n Pirates of Penzance. Its the first show since he left that I really enjoyed.

Anyhow must go and get ready as I am off to a friends 30th birthday fancy dress party. I'm going as Robin Hood however the costume is rather short - hope it will be OK !!!

Post show blues

I've just come to the end of the week of the last show I was in - The Pirates of Penzance. It has been a wonderful week. I enjoyed every minute of doing the show and the part of Sam. Today I have the post show blues. I've not had that for years ! I'm trying to figure out why I have enjoyed this show so much. We had a lovely atmosphere throughout the show with everyone caring for each other. And possibly because I had a bit more of a featured part. I'm so trying to improve my singing and whilst I know I still have a long way to go a couple of folk have reminded me of how far I have come with my singing. I actually do feel more confident standing up and singing in front of others now - but I'd like to improve further.

I'm still waiting on the mortgage company to confirm that they will allow the mortgage to be in my name alone. And my husband is desperate for money to the extent he was hassling me this morning to give him some so he could get petrol and food. I was planning to have a chilled morning and felt quite stressed and upset.

I'm having a break from the next show (music hall) so I can work on completing my OU degree and to be able to just do things when I want. Part of me wants to do lots of things and I start planning them and then I can't be bothered. A friend of mine said I would become selfish with my time - he was right.......

21 months already

Goodness its been over a month since I last wrote. I've been busy revising for my OU module exam which was this Thursday. I am glad to have it out of the way - results are due around 14th December, so fingers crossed ! I've signed up for two shorter modules now. Assuming I pass the exam and these two I will be finished in April. I think I will be ready to stop studying then.

I did go on a revision weekend in Cambridge which was very good and nice to be away (despite having to live in a student room with no en-suite!). However I have spent the last two weekends revising and as I am not busy finding it hard not to nibble, so the weight loss is sitting still.

I have had some lovely comments about my weight loss so far and was very excited to get into a pair of trousers over a size smaller :-)

I am finding that I am getting better being on my own which seems to be more and more often now. Not surprising really as folk have their own families and relationships to take care of.

I joined a theatre club so I could go on theatre trips and on becoming a member I got a free ticket to see Rock of Ages in London. I had to use it by this Thursday just gone so went on my own. It was a bit weird especially as I had no one to talk to about it afterwards. I did feel a little like 'billy no mates' in the theatre. I wonder if people think there is something wrong with me because I am alone ?

Work has got very busy once again and there are redundancies again. At the moment my job is safe, but as I have staff who are affected I have some extra workload again. So....... the holiday in October is not happening :-( I may see if I can go for a weekend to Germany and maybe Spain again. They were great earlier in the year.

It was my husbands birthday this week. Once again I was very conflicted as to whether to buy him a present or not. After speaking with a few folk and my daughters I decided not to but did give him a card. I still care for him and miss him despite it being 21 months since he left. The building society who we have our mortgage with have agreed that I can take the house (and mortgage) on myself. So I have booked a solicitors visit to sort the separation agreement out. This is going to be so painful :-( My husband does have a job again now but I gave him some more money last month to help him out - am I mad ?

Next week I am in Pirates of Penzance playing a man - Sam. I have had so much fun with this show and am looking forward to performing it. I am however wondering how much longer I will stay in this group. There are one or two individuals who are making things difficult by being sneaky behind the scenes. They don't have the guts to talk to me directly. I don't think I can be bothered to fight it anymore and so am thinking that if one more thing happens I'll be leaving.

My life has changed so much over the last 21 months and I see it changing more in the future. I still don't know what I really want anymore. I know that I feel happier in general until I think too much about what it should/could have been. I do still feel lonely and unwanted and I do still need someone to have conversation with. I am eternally grateful to those friends who have stuck with me and invite me to their homes or out with them but understand that they have their own lives to live.

I am on a training course at work middle of November which is about self resiliency. It covers mind body and spirit - I'm a little nervous as I'm not sure emotionally I am ready but I am also looking forward to it as I think it may help me get some direction.

Not sure

I've been in Ireland for a week now. The tour I did was great as I had company and two kind ladies from Somerset sort of adopted me. I kind of wish now that I had arranged only one day alone in Dublin. I am feeling very lonely and quite scared at times. Pros are I can please myself, cons that I have no one to talk to about anything. The danger is that it leaves me too much time to think about things.

I almost completed reading two books this week - fifty shades of grey - oh my.....  how nice it would be to be wanted so much by someone and well..... The second book is called Life Begins at Forty. It's all about a woman whose husband wanted to split up as he was having an affair. There is so much in this book that rings true for me. The only difference being that she only took six months to move on.

I've decided on this holiday that I can't just travel to places on my own. I need some company either during the day or as a companion. Not sure what I am going to do in October when I was planning to go away for a week with my friend. I'll have to do a bit of research and see what I can find.

Separation

Well we went to the solicitors and they have advised we can move the house into my name via separation agreement. I started crying as soon as we sat down. I guess it's another step to the end of a chapter of my life I didn't want to end :-( anyhow the form has gone to bank to see if they will allow a change in names. We will see..... My husband is so broke that I ended up giving him some money to tide him over for a month.

I was so happy at the beginning of the week to discover I have now lost two stone in weight and some of my clothes are now literally falling off me. The best feeling was when I put a jacket on which was tight before and it fitted lovely.

My youngest daughter has said she is planning to move out into her own place within the next year. I know I need to let her do her own thing but I wish she would leave it a bit longer.

Anyhow I am now on holiday on my own in Ireland. Its exciting but also scary. I'm going to write  separate blog for ths called my Irish Adventure - http://myirishadventure2012.blogspot.ie/

I so need this break....... I'm hoping that this may be a start to a new me and a new chapter in my life.

I just want to say thank you......

.....to all those friends who have supported me over the last 18 months or so. Some of you I don't see so much anymore - but you know who you are. My journey still has a long way to go but without you I don't think I could have survived. I feel like I am at last making some baby steps forward. I hope that I can get through the next set of challenges too.

I wondered how long it would take

Well I got the call I was dreading and then the discussion I was expecting. My husband has no money and they are is desperate straights so he wanted to know if I could buy him out of the house. So keeping to his promise that he wouldn't force the sale of the house. Whilst heis being reasonable about the amount he wants I don't have that kind of money to just give him. Anyhow we have agreed to go to the solicitor and see if we can agree some way of doing it hat helps him and gets the house in my name. If that's possible it would give some security to the girls and me. Anyhow he also did say he would want to divorce at some point too. I found that very hard. And then today I am feeling sorry for him that he has no money - why after he has done this to me ? I still don't understand why he left me and now is in this situation. If our marriage had been so bad I could understand but it wasn't. Is the new sex such a draw ? Or does she have something she is holding over him ? I guess I will never find out. How long before he realises its not what he wants. He mentioned that she was worried that she wouldn't be able to pay for a funeral if he died, so he has taken out an insurance to cover that. Why did she even think that? It's very odd. 

Anyhow before he came around to chat yesterday a fleeting thought went through my mind - what if he wants to come back. I concluded that I didn't know what I would say. Whilst before I would have had him back with open arms I'm not so sure now. I still don't like the situation I am in but I don't know if I would have him back now. Does this mean I have started to move on ?

Starting to move on...... Maybe ?

I am sitting here on my own watching the Olympics closing ceremony and bawling my eyes out - why ? Relief maybe that the work I did seemed to all go ok with no crises. Still have the Paralympics to go but all being well - fingers crossed. Having said that over the last three weeks I have been working at the weekends and also was working late at night during the opening ceremony. The last text being at 00:30. I still find it emotional talking about my husband leaving me :-( sigh ....

I am on my own quite a lot these days and am starting to get used to it a bit more now. I do worry though that I will get selfish.

I've decided that I just have to go and do things on my own if necessary. I did have tickets to the horse jumping at Greenwich and took my sister in law along. It was a lovely day :-) I've always wanted to see Ragtime the musical and it is on at regents park theatre. I tried to find someone to go with me but gave up and got one ticket just or me. It felt odd buying just one ticket. Anyhow I'm going now. It'll be a bit of an adventure as will my holiday to Ireland on my own.

It's all change at work again. My interim boss has moved on and so the senior VP is now looking after our group. He has suggested that there may be some more changes and that we'll know in September.

I've started to make some changes in the house now I guess it'll help me move on. However I was disturbed by a call received from my husband telling me  that he was applying for job seekers allowance and had been asked if he had a house, so he had to say that he joint owned the house. He assured me that he also told them that his daughters and wife were living in the house and that I was paying all the bills, mortgage and everything and that it will not be up for sale. We'll see what happens.

A friend of mine said to me recently that he thought that my husband had been targeted by the manipulating ***** , will he ever realise that ? Someone else also said it wont last. Sometimes I feel sorry for him especially as he hasn't had much luck finding a job. But why do I still feel it is my fault and I have to suffer ? I have flashes of I must start to believe in myself and allow myself a break and have fun and do things. But these are in fits and starts, maybe soon I can move on fully ?

I feel sick

I've woken up this morning and feel physically sick. It would have been our 30 year wedding anniversary. Well I guess it is because we are still married but not together. I've been trying not to think about it but its been popping up in my head over the last week. Despite it being beautiful and sunny outside which usually makes me more positive I feel really down today. I've been trying to hate him for what he has done but I still can't. I don't like what he has done to me. How could someone who loves you put you through something like this? Even just a friend wouldn't hurt you in this way. I keep trying to tell myself that but then I end up in tears because I still love him. Even after 18 months of him having gone I love him. I'm trying so hard to do new things and move on. I even tried a dating site for about three days and then got scared and deleted my account. Work though having got better for the moment is not where I want to be anymore. I'd love to find another job but I can't afford to as I have the mortgage and debts I've been left with still to pay. Maybe in a few years time. I so need a holiday ! I've even started playing the lottery to try and win loads of money - I've never done that before. I'm off to work now so hopefully that will take my mind off things for a bit.

I don't belong

Work has been manic again this week with me working long hours again. I have everything crossed that next week will be the last that I have to do that. I will be on call and I am committed to the end of the year, but I'm hoping it will be less full on and stressful. In a funny sort of way it will be sad to leave the place I have been at, but I'm also looking forward to having my life back a bit. Last weekend I finished and handed in my next assignment which was my project of 4000 words. This goes 30% towards my exam mark so I need a good mark. I had a few tears driving in this week, still can't move on :-( I got to thinking why and why I still feel so sad. I don't belong..... I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore that is why I feel so alone. I left church as I found it hard going back and I've had no sign only more rubbish. I had to be up being a governor as I couldn't do the job properly anymore and I won't do something I can't do properly and commit to. The theatre group is owing through a lot of change and I am wondering if I do want to be there anymore - but if I don't I'd be at home on my own all the time. And I so don't feel like I belong to any particular group at work anymore. The only place I feel any part of is the ou Facebook group for my module. How sad is that ! I've had glimpses this week of anger about how can he have done this to me. But I keep going back to how much I still love him..... The only thing I am looking forward to at the moment is my holiday in Ireland in September. I guess I should be thankful I have two lovely daughters, a job, a roof over my head and my health. But none of that gets to the heart :-(

Long hours at work

I hadn't realised how long it has been since I last posted. So what as been going on in my life ? I haven't seen the chap who talked to me at work again, so that obviously was not a chat up ! I did briefly set myself up on a dating site and then took myself off again after a few days. It's definitely not me. How can you be sure the men are what they say they are ? I guess I'll probably be single for ever now :-( my friend I went on holiday with last year and was going to have a week away with later this year has a new man in her life, so I guess that holiday won't happen... Ho hum. I did get away for a long weekend with two friends visiting a couple who have retired to Spain.mthey were the perfect hosts and the weekend was wonderful - just what I needed :-) Work has been awful and I have been working long hours and sleeping few. Typically I've been doing an 11 or 12 hour day. This means I avent been eating properly and getting to my rehearsals late. I haven't been able to do my drama or dance classes that start at 6 so I am very resentful of work at the moment which is not good. I'm hoping though that it will be only a couple of weeks more and then I can get back to a. Ore reasonable work life balance. My husband is training to be a bus driver and came around to pick up the post the other day. He stopped for a cuppa and told me all about it. After he left I was down again for days, crying in the car driving to work and when alone at home. I did get some glimmer of anger recently on how someone who says they love e could put me through this. But it subsided quickly as I still love him :-( the tears are falling now as I write that. Someone said to me this week that it's time to move on, I wish I could. The theatre group has been up and down again too. I was close again to leaving. There is one person that so gets under my skin. She is deliberately and visibly leaving me out of things - that upsets me. And then there is the karaoke crowd..... That has changed so much with a whole new group now going and they forget to tell me that they are going. One of my friends from the original crowd has kind of joined that group and doesn't really talk to me much anymore. I feel discarded to the extent i had a nightmare about itblast night. Sometimes I feel that I should just leave and start my life again somewhere else. The manipulating ***** is slowly destroying everything I had in my life. I had some very evil thoughts about what i could do to her the other day..... Having said all of that there is a glimmer of hope as some good things have happened. I have lost just over a stone in weight and people have started to notice. I managed to get a part in the next show. It's not the one I wanted and I'm playing a man but it's a part. And I managed to win two tickets for the Olympics at work. I don't know what or when yet or who will go with me! I'm in the middle at the moment with writing my next assignment. This is a project worth 30% of the exam mark and is 4000 words long so it's been a hard slog. Fingers crossed I will finish and send off tomorrow. It has meant I have been working on it all day today. Well it's 1:30am now so time to sleep. It won't be for long as I keep waking up at 5:30am for some reason and then the cats keep pestering me till I feed them .

Chat up ?

I've been down again all week. Everything seems so bad and against me. I've seriously been thinking of leaving the theatre group this week as all kinds of crap has been going on. It feels like some folk are conspiring against me and saying I said things I haven't and I haven't got the strength to fight anymore. Work is horrid still and I just want out but I can't. I've cried every day driving to and from work. I don't know if it was made worse by my husband coming over on Sunday. I need some changes in my life but how ?

At work today a fellow starting talking to me (someone over this week for some training) and I think he was starting to chat me up ! I'm guessing of course because I really don't know :-o Hmmmm....... maybe its the eyelash extensions I had done last week ?

I'm off to Spain for the weekend to visit some friends with two friends -  I think it will be an interesting weekend.  I really need the break - but work has made me feel so guilty about going. It will be great to get some sun and just chill.

A couple of the most unexpected people have offered to be a friend and listen to me - how nice is that :-)

Jubilee weekend

Guess what I did this jubilee weekend - nothing I was alone all day :-( I would have so loved to celebrate in some way but going alone is no fun. I feel so sad again. Oh god I hate this so much. Work is awful at the moment so much so I don't want to be there. I seriously want to just disappear and get out of this all. I know I should be grateful for what I've got, but I really cant cope with this loneliness and feeling of not being wanted by anyone. I hate what he has done to me. He doesn't care at all probably having a lovely time with the manipulating *****. Oh god....

Spaced out

The last two weeks at work have been hell and with no support at home and no one to talk to I don't know what to do anymore. I am on the verge of tears all the time. I'm not sure how much more I can take. I feel like no one cares anymore but I keep on smiling. Even the wonderful weather we have been having hasn't managed to make me feel good inside. In fact I am sitting in the garden now with tears rolling down my face. I managed to snatch a short chat with a good friend about the situation on Friday night but that wasn't really enough. My boss two up has texted me saying he is wondering how all of this (work issues with London 2012) is impacting me and asked me to call him the weekend. I plan to today, but how much to I tell him ? How honest can I be without sounding female and weak and risking my job ? I always thoughts was a strong person and on the whole I think I am but I need someone who can be there for me during my weak moments. I know the girls love me but now is the time in their lives they are just growing into their own relationships and I need to be strong and there for them. It's not fair for me to burden them with how I feel. Yesterday when going about getting things ready for my daughters birthday today and out for a meal with her I felt very odd. Almost like I was not really there. Just looking at myself doing these things with no feeling or purpose. I really do think I may be seeing glimpses of real clinical depression. Now comes the time to admit I have been having some councelling but that is finished and I have to apply for more. It was helping but the new times have to be between 9 and 5 and with work I can't do that. What should I do ? It's been 18 months now :-( I don't know what I need for closure and to move on maybe I never will. And the manipulating ***** has what she wants and though my husband says he cares I'm not sure he really does anymore - he is no better than her. How can humans be so horrible to each other for their own selfish purposes.

Going down again

I'm feeling very down and alone again :-( This week has been very eventful -

Monday we set up the show and had a very strange and not great technical rehearsal, so was all ready to have to complete that with the dress rehearsal on Tuesday. But that wasn't to be as the leisure centre that is adjoined to the theatre had a fire and so the theatre was closed on Tuesday and Wednesday. This meant we couldn't get in to do our dress/tech or first performance. Due to the hard work of all the theatre staff and others we were able to get in on Thursday to do a dress with audience and two shows on Friday and Saturday. Whilst I really have enjoyed my part in the show and think we have put on a good show it has all been spoiled for me due to work.

The Olympics things I have been working on came to a head this week. With just over eight weeks to go suddenly everyone has realised that they need to pay attention to the things I and my team have been saying since last August. However everyone was getting at me and making me feel like I was responsible for it all. Unlike others I have taken very little time off and by Thursday I wanted to just crash my car and end it all. It has pulled me right down again to how I was feeling last year. I just keep crying all the time and hate the thought of work and going in next week. I so want the next eight weeks to go rapidly.

One good thing did happen this week and that is my daughter returning from her trip. It was lovely to see her again after ten weeks. Both my daughters and the youngest's boyfriend came to see the show on Thursday and sent some flowers and a card to me backstage. I bawled my eyes out as the day had been so bad at work.

Once again I feel lost and despite having lots of lovely friends - very alone. Even when there are people around me I feel alone. One of the people whom I was quite friendly with seems to have found a new crowd so I feel a bit discarded. I feel like I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything and just disappear. How much longer can this go on for ? I can feel myself heading back down to the very bad places I was in last year.

My great big German adventure

I spent the weekend in Germany going back to some of my roots and childhood experience. When landing in Dusseldorf I felt quite emotional and was a little scared as to how I might react when I met My friend after around 20 years. He was my first 'sort of' sweetheart as I was only around 11 when we met in Spain one holiday. However his mother and mine stayed good friends until my mum died. I always remembered him but our own lives took over and so we never kept in contact apart from Christmas cards. But as he contacted me last year by email not long after my husband left it seemed as if fate had stepped in. He gave me a lovely hug when we met :-) I was a little worried that his wife would think I was after him, but she made me feel very welcome and I got on with her very well. I was thankful that both of their English and my very rough German meant we could talk together ok. But we did have many silences and I couldn't decide if that was due to them being generally quiet or if it was just too difficult to have a more complex discussion. It was better by Saturday evening so maybe it was just because we were getting to know each other again. My friends wife did say he didn't talk much at home. On Friday I met his mum who is now 75 years old and struggling with her health. However she hadn't changed at all, it was so nice to see her. We went shopping to Aldi and there were so any food memories for me. I must visit our Aldi and see what I can get in there. The food in general was wonderful but not helping my diet at all. The bread and salami etc. was especially good. I had perhaps too much so not looking forward to getting on the scales after having lost some weight. We spent Saturday touring the city of Dusseldorf which I had never done. I hadn't realised how historic it was and that it was such an important city in Germany. On Sunday morning I travelled by train to visit my cousins who I also hadn't seen in around 20 years. It was a very emotional couple of days. I didn't recognise my boy cousin but I did all the rest. Between them they have a large family and it was so wonderful to be with them all. They made me feel so welcome and it wasn't long before I felt like I was part of the family. My closest cousin is now a grandmother. Her daughter who is the same age as my eldest has a beautiful three year old who is so cute and my two younger cousins both have children aged 10 and 13. Sadly my closest cousin also is separated from her husband and lives alone. I felt like a celebrity as they are learning English and wanted to see and be with their English relative. At one point everyone was taking so many photos ! And the food well wow wow wow! Lots of delicious German cake, bread, schinken and frankfurters. My childhood came flooding back. I will have to work hard on the diet now. We have shared addresses, Facebook contacts, Skype info etc. and all promised to stay in touch. I plan to go back before Christmas for a German Christmas market and to see them all again. I don't know why we stopped contact over the years. I guess our respective lives took over. I am amazed how much of my German has come back to me and I mostly was able to keep up and talk :-) It is also interesting to see how they live their lives so differently to us in the UK. It seems less stressful and in some cases more enjoyable. They enjoy buying nice things but live with minimal stuff. I need a big clear out at home and to re do things in the house to make it more German....... That will help me move on I hope. I am now sitting at the airport waiting for the plane. I finished my trip with a visit to Aldi to buy some German bread and frankfurters and then went to visit my friends mother again for cake and tea. I'm lucky in that being a BA silver card holder (because of work trips) I can use the BA lounge, so I can get wireless to write and post this. When I get to the UK I have to drive back and then go straight to rehearsal. I will be shattered as I have an early start in the morning for work. This has been an adventure for me and I managed it thanks to some great people :-)

Anger and Stupidity

The very emotional weekend is looming and I have very mixed feelings about it - both looking forward and dreading it......

Today I went with a couple of the theatre group members to a NODA (National Operatic and Dramatic Association) awards lunch and our production of The Drowsy Chaperone won both best musical and best production for our region. That was a lovely surprise as I had picked the show and there were many skeptics at the time about us doing it.

I still feel very alone and behaving in a very mixed way. Sometimes I feel like I have control again and take some positive and good steps forward doing things I have wanted to do for the last year...... and then I feel like I don't want to do anything or go anywhere - I can't be bothered to. If I didn't have work and my theatre group I would become a recluse staying in on my own all the time.

I had a crying and anger session this week - I was thinking back over the last couple of years and there were so many things that I should have noticed about my husband to make me suspicious that something was not right - but I trusted him totally. For example the manipulating ***** coming to see the show he directed when she had never been to anything before and she came to see shows he was in - she had our mutual friends in shows before but she never came. After one show I remember thinking it was odd the way she was looking at me .... and then when we went to the Edinburgh festival he was on his phone texting loads - I thought he was on facebook - he was very disengaged - but I didn't spot that - HOW STUPID HAVE I BEEN :'-( I TRUSTED HIM _ HOW AM I EVER GOING TO TRUST ANYONE EVER AGAIN ????? Did he get bored with our marriage - what could I have done differently - is it all my fault ? Or should he have said something or tried to change things for US and not fall into the greasy hands of the manipulating ***** ?

When will the hurt stop ?

Trust - does it exist ?

Its been a couple of weeks since I last posted. I think I am posting less as I feel my life is in limbo. I get up go to work (sometimes doing long hours), come home - may go to rehearsal or sit on my own doing not a lot. I find it really hard to build up the enthusiasm to do anything. If I do get out or do something I am fine.

Last Saturday I performed in a 100th anniversary concert of Titanic the Musical. It was very emotional. I stood on stage with tears streaming down my face. I think it was a combination of thinking about the people who died in that terrible tragedy and knowing that my husband directed the show in 2009 which was when his affair first started. I remember at the time of the show being surprised that the manipulating ***** had come to see it. I had never seen her at a show before. How naive and stupid I was. I thought she had come to see a mutual friend who was in it but she really came because my husband had directed it. I so trusted him for such a long time - how can I trust anyone anymore when the person you trusted wholly and would have given my life for betrays your trust ? I wonder what else he has done in the past ? Am I the only person who doesn't have any secrets or things to be ashamed of ?

In a couple of weeks I go to Germany for a long weekend to visit an old friend I haven't seen in years. I also emailed one of my cousins not expecting to hear back, but I did within 30 mins of me emailing. I am now also going to visit my four cousins and their families for a day. I haven't seen them in about 20 years. I am really nervous as I have physically changed so much and my German isn't very good anymore. Whilst I have travelled on business on my own you are well looked after with cars, business class etc. This will be the first personal trip I have done alone since I was sixteen (which it happens was to Germany to visit my cousins!). I am back to that lonely only child I was when I was younger.

I started yesterday quite well by going out and about sorting some things out. Since then I have been trying to work on my OU. It is like wading through treacle. I had planned to go on an organised walk in the woods today - I do so like the outdoors and nature, but I woke up late and couldn't drag myself out of bed. It so feels like life has no meaning or reason anymore.

I'm also trying to lose some weight. I was so good last week and didn't lose a single thing - how demotivating :-(

I feel very unwanted. As an only child I need to feel wanted and my daughters don't really need me  much anymore. No wonder I feel so alone - it feels like everyone has deserted me...........

Down down down

Feeling really down today. I've been on my own all day again and then felt very unwanted at rehearsals. Probably not so but kind of felt that some people were talking behind my back, it was an odd atmosphere even with one of my friends. I don't think I have done anything ..... That has made me feel worse. I don't feel like doing anything, don't want to go to work. Just want to hibernate again. I was starting to feel a little more positive and that has now all gone again. Back to square one, I hate the manipulating ***** she has ruined my life .

A lonely Easter

Its Easter Sunday and I am sitting here on my own, the third day of the Easter weekend alone :-( The danger when I am on my own is that I go online shopping...... so I booked myself a holiday in September - alone. It was a lot of heart searching as to whether I should or not and just went with it in the end. I'm off to Ireland on a minibus tour and will also spend a few days in Dublin - so scary, but I'll use this as an opportunity to take loads of photos and practice.

This is the first Easter I haven't put up the Easter tree that I have every year since I got married - there didn't seem much point, in fact I don't feel like it is special at all. I ended up cooking a roast for just me. My husband turned up with Easter eggs for all three of us - I didn't buy him one. He stayed and watched me eat my roast as I was just serving up when he arrived. It was all very odd and very sad.

I watched 'The Help' yesterday which was a wonderful film. I spent a lot of it crying.... in fact I've been doing a lot of that so far this weekend. Its times like this when everyone is spending time with family that it really hits you.

My eldest daughter told me last week that she is having 'a break' from her boyfriend. That made me so sad and then yesterday I discovered that his dog that had been in the family for years had died. His mum is so upset  :-(

My youngest daughter completed her first weeks training and has her first shadowing sessions next week. She got her uniform - a lovely light blue tunic that suits her very well.

I sent in my second assignment for this OU module and have already got my results back - passed with a reasonable mark. I am behind with my reading. For some reason I am finding doing this module harder than last year. I have no idea why but I just can't be bothered to do anything. I'm OK once I do, but procrastinate so much these days.

And I'm in a planting mood - I now have potatoes, onions, parsnips, lettuce and herbs planted. I have a chilli plant on the windowsill which I will put out when the weather warms up and  have cucumber and tomato plants arriving later on. Hopefully they will all grow well and I'll have some lovely fresh veg :-)

I so want to lose weight but again can't get the enthusiasm up to do anything........

Little steps forward but nervous

Hasn't the weather been brilliant over the last few days. Being in the sun makes so much difference to me - makes me happier :-) However I haven't been sleeping well for some reason and am going through a phase of being very tired. I'm finding my energy so low - I hope that is not a sign of getting the diabetes I was borderline with..... I was particularly down on Mothers day last Sunday. My eldest daughter left me a card to open and my youngest gave me a card and a lovely plant. However she slept over at her boyfriends and only came back at around 1pm, stayed for 30 mins and then went out again - I felt so alone and unwanted :-(

I have had some small steps forward over the last two weeks. I managed to find someone to come in every two weeks to help me keep the garden in shape - I love my garden when it is nice and I can sit in it. Only problem is I have an assignment to do and until I have that completed I can't relax. In fact Saturday was the first time since I started my OU that I wanted it to be over :-( Just over a year and then hopefully all being well I will have finished. I also managed to find someone to come and fix my my fence and back gate which has completely fallen off its hinges.

I had a bit of a worry last week as I hadn't heard from my daughter for three days despite me sending her texts and Skype messages. Thankfully she contacted me to say she had been on a boat and had no credit on her phone. Sadly her boyfriend who was also travelling for four months had to come back to the UK on Friday as he got a bite of some sort that he ended up having to have an op on to get the poison out. He was suffering and had to have his leg packed daily, so he managed to get back to the UK on his insurance - thank god for having the insurance.

My youngest daughter completed her apprenticeship last week and had her 'graduation' ceremony on Saturday. I am very proud of her :-) She didn't invite her father so I don't know how he feels about that. Her and  I have been having some good chats recently when she is around. We had a particularly good one when she was drunk ! She has now started a new job with Saga Care and is training this week.

At last I booked my trip to Germany for May. Its a little scary going on my own.......

I had a fun rehearsal for the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas yesterday. I have a small character to play and enjoyed doing the acting and dancing. I worked so hard I was shattered at the end! The Expo was cancelled  which is such a shame as we were sounding good. The next thing I am performing is Titanic the musical on the 14th April which is the 100th anniversary of its sinking. I think it will be an emotional evening - but first I have to learn the words !!

I don't hear much from my husband these days. Such a change from before when he was in contact almost daily. I'm not sure how I feel anymore. Maybe I'm in denial..... I try not to think about it but I'm regularly bumping into people who don't know. Three in the last week. I get the odd glimmer of anger about what he has done and how he has damaged my confidence and self esteem all for that manipulating *****. I also think he must be a coward - if he was unhappy or there was a problem, he could have said anything but he didn't. So either there was nothing or he ran away. I still get the feeling that something will happen from his end - either around money or her. The fact he is quiet is making me very nervous....... and I am getting angry while writing this!!!!!!!!

Sigh !

Sigh - I'm so conflicted. Part of me is getting used to being alone and doing my own thing and part of me wants to have more companionship - is it possible to do both ?

I still find myself in tears if I think about things, I do get the odd moment of anger at my husband for doing this to me. Today I saw his first fb post referring to the manipulating ***** which made me cross as he was referring to something she did that I do too :-( Also he has been posting up (I guess via Spotify) various songs and bands some of which have memories for us together. I so wanted to comment on them but stop myself as I don't want to show myself up. I am feeling very bitter about it all.

I get the odd glimpse now and again of the 'old' me before this happened and that makes me feel good. I hadn't realised how bad it had got especially at work - I feel like it compromised my ability to think clearly and do my job properly. Somehow no one has said anything to me, so either I am covering up well or people are being nice....

I still can't be bothered to do anything a lot of the time. I leave doing things for a long time. I find it hard to make decisions about doing and buying things. There are so many things I need to do to sort bits in the house out. For example I have a hole in the ceiling in the hallway from a water leak Dec 2010. For some reason the back gate fell off its hinges and the fence needs sorting out. Oh to have someone who can sort this all out for me - its hard trying to think and do all of this and more when working long days.

Something positive to look forward to - a friend has booked us a long weekend away to Spain to meet up with some friends who have moved out there. I have to be thankful for the friend who sorted it all out. And I am planning another week away with another friend in October. I still need to work out when I can get out to Germany.

Oh and I won a Photography course :-) It is one I can watch on my PC to improve my knowledge - just need to find time and be bothered to watch it.....

Missing my daughter already....

I hadn't realised how long it has been since the last post. I kept thinking I must post something but I have been so tired lately. I'm not usually tired and feel the need to go to bed early. That worries me - could I now have become diabetic ? My eldest daughter went off on her two months travel yesterday. I took her and her friend to the airport. I know she will have a great time and it's such an experience for her but I already miss her so much :-( My youngest daughter has got herself a job which she starts as soon as her apprenticeship finishes at the end of the month. It is one of the jobs she applied for but not quite in the area she wanted to work in. She will be doing care in the home for elderly folk. They have told her that they will probably train her in dementia care. This is a growing area so a good skill to have. The only concern I have is that it is a zero hours contract, so they don't guarantee work. It's with SAGA care so a reputable company. I did some of my thinking again (dangerous I know !) and came to the conclusion that I am getting to the stage of accepting my situation but still don't like it. I'm in a can't be bothered mood. I keep thinking of all these things I'll do but I can't be bothered to make the effort to do them. the other realisation I had was that the girls and I are three adults living separate lives but in the same house. I still wash and iron all their clothes though! But we rarely do anything together and I've given up trying to make meals for them as they are never around when I am cooking. My youngest daughter has gone vegan to try and loose weight and I've started comfort eating which is not good. I got my first assignment back for the ou module I am doing and got a reasonable mark, so that was good. Work is still madness, I'm looking forward to mid September when hopefully things will start to calm down a little. My husband rarely contacts me anymore and the tone of his texts have changed - much colder than they have been before. I suspect she is influencing him. That does scare me, I feel like i am on tender hooks all the time waiting for something not good. Anyhow I'm off to sleep now as I'm struggling to keep my eyes open :-(

Moments

I've just got back from a business trip to the USA. Whilst it was very tiring and now I have jet lag to work through it also got me thinking a lot. I had quite a few moments during the week where I was able to think more clearly and actually felt like me as I was - energised and competent again. It felt good :-) We did an exercise where we had to draw our life plan, turn offs, turn ons and things we do to relax.  For my life plan I put me at a crossroads not knowing where I am going. One of the others made a statement that I have been musing over since. She said that we only have one life so she is determined that she was going to be happy. The manipulating ***** has taken that away from me - how dare she ! I've since been thinking about things I can do that will make me happy - but I keep stumbling as I would have to do most of them on my own and I'm wondering how much enjoyment I would get from that ?

At the moment I have no holiday plans - with work the way it is I'm not sure I'll be able to do much until September - and then I'll have around 30 days to use up by the end of the year...... October looks like it will be super busy with two business trips, a show, a week away with a friend and my exam. I'm not sure that they are all going to fit together - something will clash !

I've been looking at trips away to do photography in Ireland and fancy going to Sonisphere - but once again have no one to go with. I can't really go and stand at a concert for two- three days on my own - how sorry would that be. I wanted to go to the cinema to see 'Woman in Black' but when I said that to my daughter she said ' you can't go on your own!', so I haven't seen it :-(

My eldest daughter is off travelling for two months in under two weeks time - I will miss her and also worry that she is OK. My youngest is job hunting. She got through to the second interview but didn't get the first one she tried for. She has two interviews next week for two other jobs - fingers crossed.

On the theatre front I am busy with learning songs for an EXPO we are performing at at the end of March and due to start preparing for a one off performance of 'Titanic the musical' on the 100th anniversary of its sinking. I'll be re performing the part that I did when we did it before. With the other show that I was so upset about not getting a certain part(s), someone has dropped out and there is an opportunity to audition again. My cold which the cough is still with me was very bad during the auditions. I don't know why I didn't get a part and I'd like to re audition - but I'm scared to as I am afraid of how it may impact me again. Should I try or not ?

Finally in an attempt to get fitter and to kick start me I'm going to get a personal trainer to come around to the house weekly with a tailored programme. I don't know if it will work, but it is probably worth a try :-)

Being Single

One of the topics I've just read for my ou was about being single. It was very thought provoking and made me think a lot about my situation. It particularly picked up on the fact that being single in our culture is hard to accept both by the individual and society. We expect people to be a couple. This is why I think I am finding it all so hard. I am so torn about what I want vs what should be.

I had an interesting discussion with one of my daughters who said I shouldn't let the fact that my husband ( her dad) is no longer with me dictate who I am. I should be me and do what I want. Two things occur to me regarding this. Firstly when you have been with someone since you were eighteen they become your life, you grow up with each other, you influence each other and you become like each other - so what is the real me ? A friend sad I should find my own things and make changes so I am not in the same environment etc. that I was with my husband. That is so hard to do because if I step away from the theatre group which is really the only thing I have left and where most of my friends are, then I will be even more lonely than I am now. In fact I am going through a low energy can't be bothered with anything stage. It scares me that I still have thoughts about how I could end it all. Could I do it - woud I do it ? I can see why folk do.

Secondly, I feel guilty doing anything for me. My mum always put others before herself and I have always dne the same. It seems so selfish doing things for me or just relaxing and doing nothing. How can I change that when it is ingrained in your soul ?

I've also tried to think about what I really like and what I would want to do. So far I have come up with the following - I want to travel more, I want to go to nice places and do more photography, I want to dance more, I want to lose weight and get fitter, I want to learn to sing better, I want to finish my psychology degree and maybe put it to use, I want more massages and learn to be ale to just chill and enjoy it. On top of that what I want more than anything is for both my girls to have what they want in life and to find a good friend I can trust totally and who would want to go and do things with me.

I have felt so exhausted recently - I want my energy back. I'm off to the us on business again tomorrow. I have to say I'm not looking forward to it - it's going to be a hard week :-(

So far 2012 hasn't been all that positive

I had another very emotional week last week. Feeling a failure and that everyone hates me. I am sure that I am alienating everyone. People are getting fed up with me being so emotional. It just feels again that no matter what I do I get a smack in the face. I thought 2012 would be better and I had planned to be so positive, but if anything it is worse. I have no energy, can't be bothered about anything, can't motivate myself and just going through the motions with tears flowing a lot of the time. Does, has anyone else felt like this for so long ? As I've said everyone has ear own problems and their own lives to lead and I get that. However I feel so lonely, unloved and unatractive. The girls are out often and as I have only a small part in the next show, have no rehersals this week. I have my assignment to write but am struggling to build up the enthusiasm to do anything. I'm going to bed earlier that I have ever done on a regular basis. I'm off to the US on business net week. That will be a hard week with no time out to do anything. I had dinner with a few friends on Saturday, oh I do miss the company and someone to talk to. I had planned a few trips this year but they are all unsure so I don't know what will happen. I wanted to go to the cinema this week but have no one to go with. I said to my daughter I was going to go on my own, she was shocked. I'm also thinking of booking myself on a holiday on my own. Maybe to Ireland. I'm definitely becoming reclusive as I can't be bothered to go out. Ive also started comfort eating which I have never done before. Won't be good for the diabetes :-( oh shit what have I turned into ............ One positive thing to note, my youngest daughter got called back or a second interview for a job she is owing to. They told her that she did a brilliant interview :-) I'm so pleased for her. That was the first excitement I have felt so far this year.

I'm all washed up

Its just gone 4:30am and I can't sleep. All that keeps going through my mind is what a failure I am. Think I need to sort my finances out so I can be sure the girls get anything I leave and not the manipulating ***** and then it's time for me to go. I can't stand this hurt in so many parts of my life anymore. Ive cried so much over the last year and it doesnt stop. I am obviously not wanted , discarded. People are just being nice to me. I never thought I would end up being the victim :-(

Please can something good happen ?

It's been another stressful week at work, a lonely week at home and to top it all I got ill. On Thursday night I was really poorly with a temperature of over 100*C. The last time I can remember being that ill was when I was 18. I was on my own as both the girls had gone out. It is very scary being ill when you are on your own and no one to really care about hw you feel or to bring you a drink etc. I'm better now in that I haven't got a temperature but I'm still full of cold and don't have my voice as such. Today were the auditions for the local theatre groups show in May. I couldn't audition properly with my rubbish voice and not really feeling all that. I didn't get any of the parts I wanted and am totally gutted. Time to hang up my shoes I think. I'm struggling with all this rejection and no one to talk to about it. No one to cuddle and give me good advice etc. I'm trying to be cheery and positive but finding it hard, just feels like another kick in the teeth. To top it all I came home to a messy kitchen left by my daughter that I ad to clean up and she says to me - why are you looking so fed up - maybe you should give up the society if it keeps upsetting you. She's right to a point but it's the one thing I ave left hat hasn't really changed much. I'm going to have to have a serious think about it. I need some happy times ........

The fb status has changed

He finally did it today - changed his fb status to being in a relationship with the manipulating ***** :-( I felt physically sick when I saw it and tears came. As  was at the 12 hour sponsored outh workshop when I saw it I had to retreat to the toilet.

 He came around yesterday to move a credit card in his name with a big balance on it to one at 0% for a while. I am paying hat back as he can't. It became quickly apparent that it couldn't happen as he wouldn't be able to get another card in his current financial position. He told me that he was going to make the relationship change and that she had been very understanding and patient so far. I repeated to him that I hate her and that she was manipulating. He repeated that I hadn't done anything wrong and it was his feelings that had changed ( well of ourselves it would if a desperate manipulating ***** comes onto you and flatters you ). As both the girls were out or the evening I was on my own all night. Plenty of time to think, not great thoughts :-(

 My youngest daughter now has her nice new car and is happy. She has the newest car of all of us now. My eldest daughter finally booked her trip to Thailand and Vietnam for two months leaving in March. This is a wonderful experience for her, but I will worry about her and really really miss her.

Work is still super pressurised and stressful. I know I am being negative all the time both at work and home but can't get back to my positive happy self. I do try but it seems so artificial every time I try.

Anyone have any ideas how I get out of this rut ? Or do I just have to ride it through ?

Here we go again.....

I've been trying to think whether all the things that have been going wrong are part of life generally and whether we had all these issues before. And I am sure there were some, but not as many as this together, Plus when you have someone to share it with it seems half the problem as you can talk it through and bounce ideas around and then agree a solution. When you are on your own it is so hard. I don't know how single parents of younger children manage - maybe because they are younger themselves they have more of a future to think about and more energy to cope.

My daughter has decided to use some of her savings to buy a new car and has put a deposit down (which I gave ....) and picks up the new car. She got £600 in part exchange, so I have in effect thrown over £5000 down the drain in less than a year on that car. Is this just bad luck or down to the fact that I can't make decisions very well on my own ?

I still can't talk to her properly - she has been trying but as soon as I say anything she doesn't want to deal with she goes off in a huff and doesn't want to talk to me. She accuses me of 'having a go'. I don't think I am  - I'm just trying to be practical. I used to think I was quite good at talking to my daughters and others - but now am not so sure. Is it just because I am not right with myself ?

I watched Casualty from two weeks ago on catch up TV and bawled my eyes out because one of the stories was too close to home. And then at one point my heart literally jumped to my stomach.

Some of the things I had a sense was happening at the theatre group seem to be coming true - I will need to make a decision after the next show if I want to continue with the group. If a certain group of people get control it will not be a nice place to be, so I won't bother. If that happens that will be almost everything I was doing - gone.... changed.

To top it all today I found out my nice boss has another job and is leaving on the 1st Feb. One of my peers  will be acting boss until they find someone else. I really could do without this on top of the pressure of the job already.

Please please please can I have one good thing - something big - happen - I so need it - I am so low again - life stinks - I hate myself :-(

Ugh

My daughters car is dangerous to drive. It stalled as she was driving tonight. It seems to be in an even worse state since we got it back. It's depressing me so much. What a rubbish set of decisions I have made. I can't think straight again my head is all muddled up. I feel crap and just want to hibernate again. I sometimes feel I am making a step forward and then something comes along and I take three back. I hate my life again. So depressed.....

I need a holiday

So after the Christmas break I was hoping to be able to start to settle down a bit more and get some normality in my life. It is not to be and I am now feeling exhausted and down again. My daughters car is still a worry as she can't start it up and still need a new wheel which means I am worrying a lot about her. However whenever I try and talk to her about anything she responds angrily. She is nt here very much and whilst she is 19 I do still worry about her. She is the messy one around the house and rarely helps with anything unless I specifically ask. She is job hunting and trying to lose weight but she is so hard to communicate with. She was always the one who I could chat about all kinds of things with, but now if I try she really isn't interested. My other daughter is planning her travel this year and will be away for three months from the beginning of March. I'm going to miss her - lots. Work is still stupidly busy despite having passed one programme on. Today I did a 12 hour day getting home about 9:30pm had something to eat and am now in bed. I even had to miss a friends funeral on Thursday to attend a meeting. I was gutted. I'm beginning to think I am incapable of doing my job anymore. My confidence and self esteem is plummeting to a whole new low level. I'm not sure I can make decisions any more. I visited the doctors and got my results back. The good news is there is no evidence of cancer. The bad news is I have an irritable bowel brought on by stress and my glucose is high. The doctor wanted to give me tablets and I didn't want any so am now trying to lose weight. I do need to lose weight but it's so hard when you just grab food when you can. I have the potential of quite a few trips away this year and want to see if I can manage it if work will allow. Friends continue to be supportive and I am endlessly grateful to them xx but I do still miss someone to talk to when I get home or in the moment. I'm also trying but unsuccessfully to start the next OU course. It officially opens tomorrow. Everytime I sit to read I end up falling asleep. The material is interesting I just can't help it :-( I've had to tell some more friends and work colleagues that my husband has left me. More shock from them and more pain from me. One of them asked me if I would have him back and after a year the answer is still yes. I really really need something good to happen to boost my morale - I never thought I would find myself in this victim mode and not know how to get out of it.

One Year

Today is one year since he left me ;'-(

Have I moved on - not really....

Am I still emotional - yes still quite a a lot...

Can I see a way forward - not really

Any change towards what I think of her - NO she is still a manipulating ***** who stole my husband, lover and best friend - when will karma get her ?

Today to top it all I get a text from him to warn me that there had been a photo posted of him and her at a new years eve party. And my daughter told me that he had told her that he is going to change his fb status relationship - because he promised the manipulating ***** as wants him to. We may not still be together but we are still officially married and I'm not changing that. If he hadn't said anything about the photo I  may never have seen it - but I had to go and look - and what hurt more than anything else were some of the comments. People are still so insensitive. In fact the party host whom I have known for some time 'liked' the photo and made an insensitive comment.  I hate the way that people think I should be OK now because it has been a while. I have really really had to hold myself back from making a comment on the photo. I feel physically sick at the moment.

Other bad news : My daughters car is still not back :-( its been nearly a month

Good news : I actually felt that my old self was coming back at work. Its great to be back with my previous boss and team and I have time to do things properly again :-)

Two deaths

This morning I found out that a friend has died - she was five years younger than me. She is the second parent of friends of my daughters to die in the last few days both. I think this has made me realise I have to try to live life to the full. I know I will still get emotional and cry at times ( like now as I am writing this). But I have to get on with life. I just need to work out how and whether I do it alone or with others. I'm off for a walk shortly with a friend to have a chat and think. Just taking the Christmas decorations down. Strangely usually each year when I do that it's ok but this year I feel so sad doing it. I wonder why ?

Not a great start to 2012

I started the day off determined to be positive and happy. I enjoyed the new years concert from the Vienna orchestra which found me dancing around the room. Made me realise how much I miss my dancing.i thought I would cook something nice for the girls and me , but both of them went out so I was left on my own for a large part of the day. As I write my youngest daughter is still not back. It's not fun eating alone. So I spent the day not doing very much. I watched a DVD and tv which is so unlike me. I had thought of going for a walk just to get out of the house especially when I realised I hadn't been out since Wednesday. But I didn't as I felt like I couldn't be bothered about anything. I'm finding that I am getting very bitter. My daughter wished my husband a good evening last night when I was on my own all evening. That made me cross and bitter that he has done this to me and is seemingly happy and enjoying himself. I guess I can't expect him to be thinking about me - he has a new life and sod me. Oh why oh why can't I move on ? I'm not stupid but the heart hurts still and it is stopping me. Maybe I do need some counselling....