The very emotional weekend is looming and I have very mixed feelings about it - both looking forward and dreading it......
Today I went with a couple of the theatre group members to a NODA (National Operatic and Dramatic Association) awards lunch and our production of The Drowsy Chaperone won both best musical and best production for our region. That was a lovely surprise as I had picked the show and there were many skeptics at the time about us doing it.
I still feel very alone and behaving in a very mixed way. Sometimes I feel like I have control again and take some positive and good steps forward doing things I have wanted to do for the last year...... and then I feel like I don't want to do anything or go anywhere - I can't be bothered to. If I didn't have work and my theatre group I would become a recluse staying in on my own all the time.
I had a crying and anger session this week - I was thinking back over the last couple of years and there were so many things that I should have noticed about my husband to make me suspicious that something was not right - but I trusted him totally. For example the manipulating ***** coming to see the show he directed when she had never been to anything before and she came to see shows he was in - she had our mutual friends in shows before but she never came. After one show I remember thinking it was odd the way she was looking at me .... and then when we went to the Edinburgh festival he was on his phone texting loads - I thought he was on facebook - he was very disengaged - but I didn't spot that - HOW STUPID HAVE I BEEN :'-( I TRUSTED HIM _ HOW AM I EVER GOING TO TRUST ANYONE EVER AGAIN ????? Did he get bored with our marriage - what could I have done differently - is it all my fault ? Or should he have said something or tried to change things for US and not fall into the greasy hands of the manipulating ***** ?
When will the hurt stop ?
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