Trust - does it exist ?

Its been a couple of weeks since I last posted. I think I am posting less as I feel my life is in limbo. I get up go to work (sometimes doing long hours), come home - may go to rehearsal or sit on my own doing not a lot. I find it really hard to build up the enthusiasm to do anything. If I do get out or do something I am fine.

Last Saturday I performed in a 100th anniversary concert of Titanic the Musical. It was very emotional. I stood on stage with tears streaming down my face. I think it was a combination of thinking about the people who died in that terrible tragedy and knowing that my husband directed the show in 2009 which was when his affair first started. I remember at the time of the show being surprised that the manipulating ***** had come to see it. I had never seen her at a show before. How naive and stupid I was. I thought she had come to see a mutual friend who was in it but she really came because my husband had directed it. I so trusted him for such a long time - how can I trust anyone anymore when the person you trusted wholly and would have given my life for betrays your trust ? I wonder what else he has done in the past ? Am I the only person who doesn't have any secrets or things to be ashamed of ?

In a couple of weeks I go to Germany for a long weekend to visit an old friend I haven't seen in years. I also emailed one of my cousins not expecting to hear back, but I did within 30 mins of me emailing. I am now also going to visit my four cousins and their families for a day. I haven't seen them in about 20 years. I am really nervous as I have physically changed so much and my German isn't very good anymore. Whilst I have travelled on business on my own you are well looked after with cars, business class etc. This will be the first personal trip I have done alone since I was sixteen (which it happens was to Germany to visit my cousins!). I am back to that lonely only child I was when I was younger.

I started yesterday quite well by going out and about sorting some things out. Since then I have been trying to work on my OU. It is like wading through treacle. I had planned to go on an organised walk in the woods today - I do so like the outdoors and nature, but I woke up late and couldn't drag myself out of bed. It so feels like life has no meaning or reason anymore.

I'm also trying to lose some weight. I was so good last week and didn't lose a single thing - how demotivating :-(

I feel very unwanted. As an only child I need to feel wanted and my daughters don't really need me  much anymore. No wonder I feel so alone - it feels like everyone has deserted me...........