Sigh !

Sigh - I'm so conflicted. Part of me is getting used to being alone and doing my own thing and part of me wants to have more companionship - is it possible to do both ?

I still find myself in tears if I think about things, I do get the odd moment of anger at my husband for doing this to me. Today I saw his first fb post referring to the manipulating ***** which made me cross as he was referring to something she did that I do too :-( Also he has been posting up (I guess via Spotify) various songs and bands some of which have memories for us together. I so wanted to comment on them but stop myself as I don't want to show myself up. I am feeling very bitter about it all.

I get the odd glimpse now and again of the 'old' me before this happened and that makes me feel good. I hadn't realised how bad it had got especially at work - I feel like it compromised my ability to think clearly and do my job properly. Somehow no one has said anything to me, so either I am covering up well or people are being nice....

I still can't be bothered to do anything a lot of the time. I leave doing things for a long time. I find it hard to make decisions about doing and buying things. There are so many things I need to do to sort bits in the house out. For example I have a hole in the ceiling in the hallway from a water leak Dec 2010. For some reason the back gate fell off its hinges and the fence needs sorting out. Oh to have someone who can sort this all out for me - its hard trying to think and do all of this and more when working long days.

Something positive to look forward to - a friend has booked us a long weekend away to Spain to meet up with some friends who have moved out there. I have to be thankful for the friend who sorted it all out. And I am planning another week away with another friend in October. I still need to work out when I can get out to Germany.

Oh and I won a Photography course :-) It is one I can watch on my PC to improve my knowledge - just need to find time and be bothered to watch it.....