I'm feeling very down and alone again :-( This week has been very eventful -
Monday we set up the show and had a very strange and not great technical rehearsal, so was all ready to have to complete that with the dress rehearsal on Tuesday. But that wasn't to be as the leisure centre that is adjoined to the theatre had a fire and so the theatre was closed on Tuesday and Wednesday. This meant we couldn't get in to do our dress/tech or first performance. Due to the hard work of all the theatre staff and others we were able to get in on Thursday to do a dress with audience and two shows on Friday and Saturday. Whilst I really have enjoyed my part in the show and think we have put on a good show it has all been spoiled for me due to work.
The Olympics things I have been working on came to a head this week. With just over eight weeks to go suddenly everyone has realised that they need to pay attention to the things I and my team have been saying since last August. However everyone was getting at me and making me feel like I was responsible for it all. Unlike others I have taken very little time off and by Thursday I wanted to just crash my car and end it all. It has pulled me right down again to how I was feeling last year. I just keep crying all the time and hate the thought of work and going in next week. I so want the next eight weeks to go rapidly.
One good thing did happen this week and that is my daughter returning from her trip. It was lovely to see her again after ten weeks. Both my daughters and the youngest's boyfriend came to see the show on Thursday and sent some flowers and a card to me backstage. I bawled my eyes out as the day had been so bad at work.
Once again I feel lost and despite having lots of lovely friends - very alone. Even when there are people around me I feel alone. One of the people whom I was quite friendly with seems to have found a new crowd so I feel a bit discarded. I feel like I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything and just disappear. How much longer can this go on for ? I can feel myself heading back down to the very bad places I was in last year.
Sorry to hear that work is stressing you out. It's bad enough feeling down without work adding to the burden. I felt your other post about getting angry might have been a positive step.
ReplyDeleteAs harsh as it might sound, I know there are manipulative women out there but he allowed it to happen and some, if not most of the blame, has to be laid at his door. He broke the trust between you and that is something that has to be come to terms with before you can move on. It's about having to face the reality as looking back might not be helpful. Imagine it was a friend in your position what advice would you give them? Perhaps writing a letter to the imaginary friend might help?
I often think of you even if I don't stop by.
Wishing you happiness.
All the best
MDM