Being Single

One of the topics I've just read for my ou was about being single. It was very thought provoking and made me think a lot about my situation. It particularly picked up on the fact that being single in our culture is hard to accept both by the individual and society. We expect people to be a couple. This is why I think I am finding it all so hard. I am so torn about what I want vs what should be.

I had an interesting discussion with one of my daughters who said I shouldn't let the fact that my husband ( her dad) is no longer with me dictate who I am. I should be me and do what I want. Two things occur to me regarding this. Firstly when you have been with someone since you were eighteen they become your life, you grow up with each other, you influence each other and you become like each other - so what is the real me ? A friend sad I should find my own things and make changes so I am not in the same environment etc. that I was with my husband. That is so hard to do because if I step away from the theatre group which is really the only thing I have left and where most of my friends are, then I will be even more lonely than I am now. In fact I am going through a low energy can't be bothered with anything stage. It scares me that I still have thoughts about how I could end it all. Could I do it - woud I do it ? I can see why folk do.

Secondly, I feel guilty doing anything for me. My mum always put others before herself and I have always dne the same. It seems so selfish doing things for me or just relaxing and doing nothing. How can I change that when it is ingrained in your soul ?

I've also tried to think about what I really like and what I would want to do. So far I have come up with the following - I want to travel more, I want to go to nice places and do more photography, I want to dance more, I want to lose weight and get fitter, I want to learn to sing better, I want to finish my psychology degree and maybe put it to use, I want more massages and learn to be ale to just chill and enjoy it. On top of that what I want more than anything is for both my girls to have what they want in life and to find a good friend I can trust totally and who would want to go and do things with me.

I have felt so exhausted recently - I want my energy back. I'm off to the us on business again tomorrow. I have to say I'm not looking forward to it - it's going to be a hard week :-(