21 months already

Goodness its been over a month since I last wrote. I've been busy revising for my OU module exam which was this Thursday. I am glad to have it out of the way - results are due around 14th December, so fingers crossed ! I've signed up for two shorter modules now. Assuming I pass the exam and these two I will be finished in April. I think I will be ready to stop studying then.

I did go on a revision weekend in Cambridge which was very good and nice to be away (despite having to live in a student room with no en-suite!). However I have spent the last two weekends revising and as I am not busy finding it hard not to nibble, so the weight loss is sitting still.

I have had some lovely comments about my weight loss so far and was very excited to get into a pair of trousers over a size smaller :-)

I am finding that I am getting better being on my own which seems to be more and more often now. Not surprising really as folk have their own families and relationships to take care of.

I joined a theatre club so I could go on theatre trips and on becoming a member I got a free ticket to see Rock of Ages in London. I had to use it by this Thursday just gone so went on my own. It was a bit weird especially as I had no one to talk to about it afterwards. I did feel a little like 'billy no mates' in the theatre. I wonder if people think there is something wrong with me because I am alone ?

Work has got very busy once again and there are redundancies again. At the moment my job is safe, but as I have staff who are affected I have some extra workload again. So....... the holiday in October is not happening :-( I may see if I can go for a weekend to Germany and maybe Spain again. They were great earlier in the year.

It was my husbands birthday this week. Once again I was very conflicted as to whether to buy him a present or not. After speaking with a few folk and my daughters I decided not to but did give him a card. I still care for him and miss him despite it being 21 months since he left. The building society who we have our mortgage with have agreed that I can take the house (and mortgage) on myself. So I have booked a solicitors visit to sort the separation agreement out. This is going to be so painful :-( My husband does have a job again now but I gave him some more money last month to help him out - am I mad ?

Next week I am in Pirates of Penzance playing a man - Sam. I have had so much fun with this show and am looking forward to performing it. I am however wondering how much longer I will stay in this group. There are one or two individuals who are making things difficult by being sneaky behind the scenes. They don't have the guts to talk to me directly. I don't think I can be bothered to fight it anymore and so am thinking that if one more thing happens I'll be leaving.

My life has changed so much over the last 21 months and I see it changing more in the future. I still don't know what I really want anymore. I know that I feel happier in general until I think too much about what it should/could have been. I do still feel lonely and unwanted and I do still need someone to have conversation with. I am eternally grateful to those friends who have stuck with me and invite me to their homes or out with them but understand that they have their own lives to live.

I am on a training course at work middle of November which is about self resiliency. It covers mind body and spirit - I'm a little nervous as I'm not sure emotionally I am ready but I am also looking forward to it as I think it may help me get some direction.