Denial ?

I have worked on change management and helping people through it for many years so know the change curve (which is the same as the grief curve) and recognise all the feelings I am going through. So I'm trying to figure out where I am on the curve - am I still in denial, resistance or acceptance ? I think I am fluttering between them all. I also think my husband is in denial to some degree. He is still living here as he says he wants to help me through the pain and thinks leaving now is the cowards way out.

I know he is going and am expecting the period when he actually does go, to be very painful and sad. I wonder if he will feel the same. I guess he is going to his exciting new life (ha!) and so will have that to focus on for a while.

He asked me how he could get a copy of a photo of the girls today to keep in his wallet. So I printed it off for him, along with one of him and me together. He had a cry. Its obvious he is finding this parting difficult too - but why ? He decided to go - this is why I am so confused.

We went down to our theatre group together today. He was scared as to how people would react. I am scared that people will think I am an idiot and that I am ok about him going. I am not happy about him going, but after being together for nearly 32 years, he is still a big part of me. We grew up together and went through so many things together - we know each others inner selves. He seems to think he has that connection with 'the other woman' but he can't after such a short time.

I hope that he thinks about me everyday in the same way he claims he was thinking about her which led to his decision to go.

It really hurts when I think how happy she must be - the best Christmas present she can have - stealing my husband from me. I wish that this kind of theft also had a prison sentence.....

My very kind friends are still rallying around me and I'm getting so many nice comments from folk when they find out. The best has to be from one who said - 'you are both individually lovely people but as a couple you are amazing'. That made me cry :-(

One of my wonderful daughters posted some positive links to songs on you tube for me to look such as 'I will survive' - I'm sure I will, but what will that survival look like ?

How do I live without you ?