Last day of a difficult month and of a year I want to forget

I thought I would start this post early and will probably finish it tomorrow.

I started today feeling very down. I woke up after a bad nights sleep having been crying in it and had a swollen eye. My husband has spent most of the day packing stuff whilst I have cleaned the house, giving me loads of time to cry and think about the situation.

We are going out to the theatre tonight having bought tickets for him for a Christmas present. I don't know if it is a good idea or not - but we'll see. A good friend called and said he would pick me up from the station when we return and take me to another friends house for the rest of the evening - he won't take no for an answer...... so I guess I will be going - I hope they realise I will probably be crying for most of it :-(

I will always love my husband and want him back. I will always hate her for the rest of my mortal life. She has already killed me inside. I will continue to live 'a life' but not the one I really want and need and will never find real happiness again as it will always be tinged with sadness. This has changed me irreversibly from a generally smiling happy forward looking person to one who has lost the spark from her and will just go through the motions of life.

Anyhow the show was good - Deathtrap ! My husband and I ended up crying when on the train back. He said he was scared - I think he realises what a big change he is going to and doesn't know if it is the right decision. He once said to me that he wanted us both in his life as he loved us both. I suddenly realised that to do that he had to make this decision. This way he has a chance of doing just that. By staying with me he couldn't stay friends with her. I hate her so much for getting under his skin like that. Her being think and helpless has endeared him to her :-(

I went to spend the last 45 mins of 2010 and the first hour of 2011 with my friends. During that time I managed to drink almost a whole bottle of white wine and two glasses of champagne on an almost empty stomach. Well you can probably guess what the consequences of that were !

Only a week to go

This time next week he will be leaving the house and moving in with her. I think I must still be in denial as there have been times today again when things felt 'normal' again.

We had a cry together at around lunchtime - why does he cry if he is happy with what he is doing ? It doesn't make sense to me at all - I still think she has poisoned his mind and he thinks he is doing the right thing - he feels sorry for her and wants her to feel better and then realises how much it is hurting me. Or maybe I'm just thinking that because I want to believe it :-(

One hopefully good thing today - we had the plumber in and all being well he has fixed the leak.

I had to renew my car insurance and would you believe it taking my husband off the insurance raised the cost by £100. Why ? Because I do not have a partner living with me!!!!! It so sucks .....

My husband wanted to take me out next Tuesday which is now the night before he leaves. He told me today where he wanted to take me. Its a place called the Czech club where I used to go to as a kid with my parents, I would have loved to go in 'normal' circumstances but not as things stand - I couldn't cope with going somewhere that will bring back loads of memories knowing that another chapter of my life is about to change. Just talking about it caused tears again as I am now doing.....

Little things are setting me off - like my daughter coming back with a dress for New Years Eve only to find it still had the security tag on. I'm dreading all those times when silly things like that happen and I will just start crying and not have anyone around to talk to and share with.

I am so sad..........

I don't know what to say anymore

I had another bad episode last night. I've never felt grief like it. I cried and cried till the early hours if the morning. Unusually for me I didn't get out of bed till nearly mid day. My husband put some breakfast and a cup of tea by my side if the bed. I heard him go out about 9 50 and he didn't return till around 12 30. Guess where he had been! He took the dog around there with his DVDs. I had another weep this afternoon. I felt so low I couldn't get my head around anything. To make things worse we have a leak from the bath through the ceiling in the hall. Hopefully we'll get the plumber to look at it tomorrow.

I looked back over old texts from my husband and have some just before he told me he was leaving saying he loved me so much. So what changed ? He bumped into the manipulating ***** in the park one day and that combined with some counselling he decided to have seemed to have poisoned his mind. I used to believe in counselling - not anymore. And what did she say to him that made him about turn overnight ? Should I ask ?

We went to music hall rehearsal in separate cars. There were still folk down there who didn't know. Once again shock and comments about him being an idiot.

I'm really struggling at the moment and all I keep thinking about is them together and me a bitter lonely person :-( will I ever feel better ?

Hate hate hate

Not been a good day today :-(

My husband said he would do a shop before he leaves so I have things in the house, I said I didn't need him to do it. He noted I wouldn't have anything for packed lunches - I said I wouldn't bother with lunch and he then accused me of emotional blackmail - really ! What has the 'other woman' been doing over the last 18 months - he doesn't see that.....

He started to sort out and box up all his DVDs. His DVDs have been part of our life with him collecting them and watching them etc. and now he is boxing them up to take to her house. It was just too much for me seeing this and broke down as badly as when he told me he was leaving. I cried for about an hour and have been in tears off and on since. All I can think about is the manipulating **** and how happy she must be knowing he is coming to her and leaving me and all I feel is so much hate - I didn't think I could hate someone so much and I can't get pictures of them together out of my head.

My husband accidentally left the pay as you go mobile he bought especially to contact her on the bed, I managed to pick it up and saw the text that had just come in from her - saying 'I love you, don't worry, stay strong and keep true to yourself' - I felt so sick. He had realised that he didn't have the phone and came running into the room in a blind panic and asked me what I had done....... obviously didn't want me to see anything or call her.

I'm so torn as what to do with our dog. Selfishly I'd like to keep her as she would be company for me and I do enjoy walking her - however being at work all day and out some evenings would mean she is alone a lot, so I've said that maybe he should take her.

I feel like everything has been ripped away from my life including my life source. Despite having wonderful friends and daughters I feel so lonely and desperate. This has changed me so much I am usually happy and forward looking. He keeps saying I will meet someone else - he wants me to to help him not me. I can't ever contemplate having my heart broken again. The only reason I have for living are my daughters - if it was not for them, then I think I would consider ending it all.

Somber then drunk !

Well its been a somber day today - didn't feel great most of the day - didn't want to do much and was very tired. So really didn't do much except examine and think more about how we got to where we are. My husband went out at lunchtime to see her (grrrr). Thankfully I haven't heard about it at all.

A friend messaged me and told me she is convinced that 'the other woman' has seduced my husband - so I'm right !

This evening I went to the pub with some friends and I had three glasses of wine and am drunk ! Oh and a shot. Had a great chin wag with them and enjoyed myself. To be fair to my husband he did pick us all up and drop us off home.

One of the advantages of not being attached is that I can do more of this and not worry about having to get home ! Is that bad ?

Boxing Day

Another up and down day and at some points seemingly 'normal'. Had another discussion today about 'her' and was told by my husband that he thought I had started to accept the situation - as if !!! One of the things he noted was that he felt like an outsider now as the girls and I had become a threesome. What does he expect..... I did note that his decision was his choice and he has created this situation. He also noted that there were no photos taken of him with anyone - they are all of him alone.

I went for a few hours to a friends house this evening. When I told my husband I was going he seemed very surprised and sort of upset that we were not spending the time together. Normally we would veg out on boxing day and not go anywhere.

My friend cannot understand how a woman can do this to someone elses marriage and also have a new man going to live with her and her three kids so soon. She thinks she is weird and not thinking about her children. I think that says it all. She is manipulative and only really thinks about herself.

We talked about the massive changes my husband is going to have to go through - everything is going to change for him including his eating habits - he won't be able to afford the food he loves so much. So he'll probably lose the weight he needs to lose, so a good thing from that perspective.

I need to find something to do tomorrow lunchtime as he is going to see her again..... I still hate her and still love him :-(

 

Christmas Day

I was really expecting today to be very difficult, but once again it felt 'normal' (ish). As long as I tried not to think of the situation, I was able to enjoy the day.

First thing in the morning my husband tried to be 'super' happy which didn't feel genuine and was over the top. One of my daughters asked why he was acting weird. When we told him, he cried as he said he wanted to make it a happy day.

We spent the day at my in laws and it was lovely. I recieved lots of lovely presents and ate more than I have for the last few weeks. It made it all the more difficult not to think I had been in a bad dream that I had just woken up from. I am so glad I went and very grateful to them for making it a happy day. I have grown up with this family and so as I have no other blood family left in the UK, being an only child, they are my family.
I'm not sure how my husband felt about the day - he seemed to sit apart a lot of the time and look miserable.

One of my daughters insisted we had some photos together and made me a 'happy' CD to play in the car. My husband walked to the family so that our dog could have a long walk and we drove with the presents, playing the CD. On the way back the CD came on and I my husband commented on it being a CD to forget him..... hmmmm

I had some lovely texts from friends - thank you all for caring :-)

So now the festivities are over its the downhill slope till he leaves. I'm so not looking forward to January :-(

Christmas Eve

Started with my husband saying he is going to be as cheerful as possible today to try and make it a happy day ! I'm finding it hard to be happy at all :-( He was out and and out in the morning as I prepared for the evening and sorting out some bits and bobs.Keeping busy certainly keeps my mind of the forthcoming changes. However sometimes I don't feel like doing anything and just want to curl up and cry. It is my decision what I do and how things go in the future - but sometimes I don't feel like being strong and positive.

In the afternoon my daughter and her boyfriend came over and we watched Boston Kickout and did spot the location as most of it is filmed in Stevenage. And then my brother in law visited from Peterborough. He tried to be cheerful but it was hard finding things to discuss and it felt a bit awkward.

Keeping busy I cooked out traditional Christams Eve meal of roast pork, bread dunplings and sauerkraut. We then opened some presents. My beautiful daughters had clubbed together and bought me a pandora bracelet with two charms, an angel they said looked like me (lol) and a bead with hearts all over it. That brought tears to my eyes - it was such a meaningful present for me and I love it. I'm so lucky to have them. I had some nice gifts from my husband too and once again the evening felt 'normal'. For the first time ever the girls had plans to go out for the evening, so here we are sitting together pretty much in silence doing our own thing. I've decided to go to the midnight communion and hope I can hold it together. I think that is the better option rather than getting drunk and sayiing things I'll regret later on........

I hope that anyone reading this has a merry Christmas.

  

Another up and down day

Some of today felt so 'normal' as if nothing has happened. And then some of the day I had tears as I remembered that in less than two weeks I will be on my own.

I took our dog for a long walk in a very snowy and empty park. I do love long quiet walks. I also had a chat with a friend about what the future holds and it was painful :-(

The 'normal' things we did today - wrapped presents for the family as we always do, I drove my husband around some friends house so he could surprise them as santa, he put a CD on for me because he thought I would like to hear it, we had a go at 'Who wants to be a millionaire' together. However I watched the final episode of 'The Nativity' and bawled my eyes out.

Our vicar rang me today for a chat - and asked if he was defintately going or if he might change his mind. I had to be honest and tell him I have never hated anyone (the manipulating *****) in my life like I hate her and that my faith has been knocked. We've agreed to have a chat in the new year. He suggested I read Romans 8.

Whilst looking I found this verse :

Give honour to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery. Hebrews 13:4

I know that others reading this may not be religious - so apologies.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve - I wonder how that will go. I'm not sure yet if I will go to the midnight service. As both my parents came from Europe I always celebrated Christmas Eve as a child. It was only when we married that we started celebrating both - a family tradition of a special meal and a few presents and then church on Christmas Eve and then the English traditional Christmas Day with sacks etc. I guess this will be that last year that we do that - unless of course my biggest hope and wish come true - that he comes back to me.

The girls both have plans this year to go out after presents - so that will leave my husband and me alone together...... I feel like getting completely drunk but I have to pick up one of my daughters later - so maybe I'll get drunk Christmas day or Boxing Day instead - maybe it will help me get through those days ......

I didn't get a text today :-(

My husband has been up to now sending me a text when he is out to say he still loves me. Today he went for lunch with 'the other woman' leaving home at around 10am. He was working in the afternoon. I didn't get that text today :-( Eventually he gave me a call at around 5pm and then didn't say he loved me at the end. It feels like that when he sees 'her' he forgets me :-(  A sign of what's to come I suspect.

Spent the day trying to keep myself occupied by christmas cooking, wrapping presents and doing my tax return ! I have to say I don't feel at all christmassy - just going through the motions.

I still really don't feel like eating much at the moment - just had a slice of bread for breakfast and some soup for dinner. Can't be bothered to make anything. I guess that might be a positive thing - losing weight. I think I have lost around half a stone without trying.

Had some nice hugs and kisses from friends at my theatre group. I'd be lost without knowing that they are around if I am particularly low.

And my daughters - well they are the main thing let for me to live for now .........

Just another day

Another up and down day. We went today to get my car serviced and MOT, so ended up in Letchworth for a couple of hours. We went and had a drink at Costa and everytime we stop to talk it ends in tears.

We were supposed to be travelling to Birmingham this afternoon to go to the German Market and watch the Bootleg Beatles. However the weather reports were so unsure that my husband decided not to risk it. It seem like the snow hasn't come yet so we would have been OK - such a shame :-(

So tonight I've had time to reflect on what I will miss when he leaves. I will so miss having someone here to hug when I get home from work. I will miss the companionship, someone to share my good times and bad times with, the someone I trust fully to tell my inner most secrets and thoughts to without the risk of them being passed around (I've had too many instances of this in my life from so called 'friends'). I'm not sure I now have anyone that I can trust in that way anymore or ever will . I know I can't talk to my husband in that way anymore as he will likely tell 'her'.

More people have found out today and been in touch - lots of supportive words again. I was sad to find out a friend was also going through a splitting up with their partner - it so sucks ..........

The 5th Jan is the date

So its agreed - he's going on the 5th Jan. Just over two weeks away ;-( I wonder how I will cope at work on that day knowing he is packing and moving out ?

Today was another up and down day. I saw the tail end of a film when wrapping presents and in it there was a scene between a father and daughter about when his wife walked out on him with their kids. Guess what - I started crying :-(

My husband told some more people today - again shock was expressed.

I'm ashamed to say I have been having all kinds of evil thoughts about 'the other woman' and have been considering either confronting her or writing to her to let her know how I feel about her. It would make me feel so much better, but would it push my husband away more? I have never hated anyone before - hate is such a strong word - but I really know what it feels like now. I feel like she has ripped my heart from me and stamped all over it.

I've accepted that he is going but know January will be a bad month for me. I'm trying hard to find some positives but its not easy. I'm scared that I will turn into a bitter old woman. Its a real sruggle because naturally I am usually smiling, seeing the positives and looking forward to when things will get better, but I can't do any of those at the moment.

The one thing I won't do is let others down and thank God that I have some commitments such as Music Hall and Half a Sixpence. I'm hoping these will help me get through the next few months, with of course my daughters and wonderful freinds.

I don't feel like I want to be happy ever again....... I can't smile without you :-(

Each day is hard

I've had a bad morning with tears. It felt so normal when I woke up and then I remembered that we only have a couple more weeks together and then he will be going.

He tells me that she needs him to take care of her as she less capable than me. So that seems to be one of the reasons he is leaving me for her - I am a strong and capable person....... I don't feel strong at the moment, it's only my daughters and my friends who are helping me through this.

Apparently one of 'the other woman's' friends who had previously blanked him is now talking to him and said she blanked him beacuse she had to be with the manipulating ***** when she was crying each day bacause my husband said he was going to stay with me. She was probably also crying about the fact she had screwed her life up by leaving her husband and ending up with no one.  So she continued to manipulate the situation for her own gratification - she didn't care that she was ruining her husbands, my husband, my daughters, her children and my life. How selfish, eight people's lives for her pleasure. I hope she can live with herself.

I went to church for the first time since my husband told me he was leaving. I went to the carol concert. I was so nervous so I walked down in the snow to give me time to think. Again word hadn't got around so only a few people knew. I told folk in the singing group and again everyone was so supportive I got hugs and had tears :-( As has been the pattern everyone was shocked and couldn't understand. Everyone has promised to pray for us.

We sat around the table tonight for a roast meal. It didn't go too well. The girls told him that they want him to leave first thing in the new year. He looked sad and I think finally realises the impact the news has on the girls. They all want me to decide and I am so torn - what do I do? I love them all.

I managed to get through !

A late post as I have just got back from the choir concert and a celebratory curry. I wasn't sure if I would manage the concert without crying. Well I did but I had to clear my mind of everything and concentrate on the singing. My husband came and also videoed it at someones request. He told a couple more people. Actually it's been quite suprising that the news hasn't gone around the grapevine.

He went to visit her and her kids today. I've really had to work hard not to think about that. I think I have accepted that he is going but still am unhappy about it and live in hope that he will discover the grass isn't greener over the other side.

My daughter who is due to go back to uni the day before he plans to move out has said she wants him to go before so that she can watch over me on those first few days. However I'm worried she won't want to go back. I don't want that manipulating ***** to ruin her chances of her degree especially as she is in her last year. Is it wrong to want the manipulating ***** to feel like everyone hates her and scared of what I might do to her at anytime ?

Why did Salmon make me cry?

I had the good fortune to go to London today to visit the London 2012 Olympic Site. Its still a building site but very interesting. Afterwards we went to Formans restuarant for lunch. They served Salmon and I cried..... itr made me think of my husband and how he had scrambled eggs with Salmon one Christmas morning for breakfast. They also sell loads of nice food and I immediately thought how he would love it. There is something around every where that reminds me of time together and his likes.

This evening my mother in law called me for the first time since she found out. She too thought he was an idiot. She was brilliant and so supportive. Told me I was and will continue to be family and welcome around at any time. So I've decided to go with the girls on Christmas day and try and have as good a day as possible. She and the rest of the family will understand if I have a 'moment'.

I have so many supportive friends and they along with the girls are keeping me going at the moment. Everyone says I am a strong woman..... I hope so.....

Not a great day :-(

Feeling down today. Found out I had passed my ou exam which I was convinced I had failed. I should have been happy but I cried.

I told some more folk today and got the usual reaction of shock ! I also had a rant at a friend of ' the other woman ' saying exactly what I thought of her. She stood there and listened. I feel mean having done that as she is not to blame but I hope she repeats what I said back to the manipulating *****.

I still have hope in my heart that he will come back. I know he needs to go first but is it wrong to be hopeful?

Hope.......

Denial ?

I have worked on change management and helping people through it for many years so know the change curve (which is the same as the grief curve) and recognise all the feelings I am going through. So I'm trying to figure out where I am on the curve - am I still in denial, resistance or acceptance ? I think I am fluttering between them all. I also think my husband is in denial to some degree. He is still living here as he says he wants to help me through the pain and thinks leaving now is the cowards way out.

I know he is going and am expecting the period when he actually does go, to be very painful and sad. I wonder if he will feel the same. I guess he is going to his exciting new life (ha!) and so will have that to focus on for a while.

He asked me how he could get a copy of a photo of the girls today to keep in his wallet. So I printed it off for him, along with one of him and me together. He had a cry. Its obvious he is finding this parting difficult too - but why ? He decided to go - this is why I am so confused.

We went down to our theatre group together today. He was scared as to how people would react. I am scared that people will think I am an idiot and that I am ok about him going. I am not happy about him going, but after being together for nearly 32 years, he is still a big part of me. We grew up together and went through so many things together - we know each others inner selves. He seems to think he has that connection with 'the other woman' but he can't after such a short time.

I hope that he thinks about me everyday in the same way he claims he was thinking about her which led to his decision to go.

It really hurts when I think how happy she must be - the best Christmas present she can have - stealing my husband from me. I wish that this kind of theft also had a prison sentence.....

My very kind friends are still rallying around me and I'm getting so many nice comments from folk when they find out. The best has to be from one who said - 'you are both individually lovely people but as a couple you are amazing'. That made me cry :-(

One of my wonderful daughters posted some positive links to songs on you tube for me to look such as 'I will survive' - I'm sure I will, but what will that survival look like ?

How do I live without you ?

I feel so empty

I managed a full day of meetings at work today somehow. One of my work colleagues asked me how I was and I had to hold the tears back whilst I told him my situation.  I feel completely dead inside and am just living each day by going through the motions and in a daze. I seem to have lost my spark - like the ignition has been taken away. My purpose in life is gone.

Getting in the car is awful I start crying every time as I do when I walk from my office to the car.  I guess these are the times that I am really alone and have time to think about my life that was and .... well can't really see what it will be apart from sad and lonely.

The girls are not really talking with their dad because they don't know what to say or how to behave.

Inside I just want to curl up in a ball or hibernate like the girl in the film 'ps. I love you'. In the film she is grieving the death of her husband. I guess that is what I am doing too :-(

 Click here

Its now public knowledge

Well my husband told our daughters yesterday. That was a traumatic experience that I don't want to repeat. Despite the fact that they are both now adults it hurt them as much as it has been hurting me. One of them said how she doesn't understand how he can hurt and leave three people for a 'buck toothed' woman. Oh and told me not to become an alcoholic or druggie!

I am so lucky to have such wonderful daughters. They have rallied around me, as have my friends. The three of us went out and had lunch together today and talked about things we might do next year. And then they bought me a bunch of beautiful  flowers - I love flowers :-)

Our wider circle of friends are now finding out. I've had some unexpected responses - hugs from those who don't usually hug people, facebook messages from people I don't often speak to, texts and so on. Its really helping me a lot - so thank you all.

I went to the pub after choir yesterday and as I had had only a small bowl of pasta all day (cooked for me by my daughter) the wine soon went to my head. Unfortunately that led me to have a real go at my husband when I got back trying to make him see what a manipulative ***** she is.

My husband told his mum yesterday - don't think that went well either. However I want to stay friends and in contact with them as they along with the girls are my only family. Being an only child and both parents being dead means without them, the girls and my friends I would be very alone.

How am I feeling now ? I can't really say...... at least I can eat a bit more than I could last week (its been a week now since he told me). Last week I just felt sick all the time so couldn't eat. My feelings are muddled. I still love him and want him to stay. I seem to see, hear and read things about relationships which make me cry. I feel hope, resignation, heartache, sadness, pain, fear, anger - I could go on. On occasion I try and think of some of the positives - I'm not eating much so may lose weight, I will have less washing and ironing to do and teh house will be tidier. I can stay out all night if I want to - maybe I will...

Its ironic really beacuse we are both sitting here tonight, me watching Casualty on iplayer, he listening to his ipod - and he says he is bored ! Usually we are so busy but now he is leaving me we have more time together. He doesn't watch much TV and usually has a  busy social life and now he will be at home most nights watching TV. Ho hum - hope he enjoys the boredom!!

At the moment I don't feel like I can laugh or smile - I feel guilty doing so...
Off to work tomorrow for a busy day and a next instalment of my blog.

Click here >>> Smile !

I'm so sad

Everything I see or hear at the moment seems to hurt me. Lyrics to songs relating to love or break ups, the book I am reading has a marriage break up in it (and its a murder/mystery....). Its really hard at the moment because no everyone who needs to know, knows yet, so I'm having to hold it together as much as possible.

I have some really really great friends - I had never expected them to rally around me like this - you know who you are - thank you :-)

I put the Christmas tree and decorations up today with one of my wonderful daughters. It's hard to be jolly - its difficult as you feel crap but also don't want allow it to all consume you. If you smile and laugh will people think you are over it already ? What one sees on the outside is not what the inside feels like. Our great british reserve makes us like this doesn't it ?

Rightly or wrongly I had a rant at my husband yesterday telling him what a manipulative ***** 'the other woman' is and how she targeted him,  I don't think he really listened but it helped me to have my say. Am I going through the anger phase yet ? Maybe its starting. I am a christian and pray that God opens his eyes to what a mistake he is making. Of course I may feel different in a few months time, but at the moment I would have him back in a flash. Is that wrong ?

Click here >> Sob.....

What now ?

So here we go, what do I do ? I still love him and still want to be with him. Christmas is fast coming up. I could ask him to leave now - but I want to stay friends and why would I put my soulmate and best friend out on the street ? So I'm sure everyone will think I am mad, but I've decided to make the most of the last few weeks we will be together before he moves in with 'the other woman'. I know it will hurt and I will be in tears a lot, but I hope that my friends who have been there for me so far will continue to be so supportive....

I can't understand how he doesn't see how manipulative she has been (some things I can't say on here). She claims she loves him but some of the things she has done suggests that she cannot really love him - why doesn't he see that ?

I am devastated, hurting so much inside, I am so confused, I'm falling to pieces - can't be sure I am doing the right thing for me - it feels right - but am I right ?