I didn't go

I didn't go to the 50th drink and I feel so left out. I'm so scared that mutual friends who do go will meet the manipulating ***** and like her......... justifying him leaving me. I've been thinking about it all night. I feel like everyone is doing things behind my back and just not telling me things because it will upset me. My daughter was so worried about leaving me alone (she didn't want me to slip out and go to the pub), she arranged for a friend to come around and sit with me !

My mind is all over the place - I discovered today that I hadn't taken my blood pressure tablets for two days. I don't feel like I am doing well at anything at the moment - my work is suffering, I can't concentrate on the OU studying and I'm making mistakes everywhere. I am seriously considering giving up the governors role. That is also affecting my health now - however I feel I will be letting everyone down. I'm very half hearted doing the show at the moment too.

My husband and the manipulating ***** have succeeded in making me mentally unstable. I hope they can live with the consequences.

Dear God - thanks for nothing - if this is supposed to help make me a better person it sucks.

Zzzzzzzzzzzz

I am so very tired and feel drained. I saw my husband today very briefly and he looks very old and haggard -it doesn't suit him. I have a bit of a quandary, remember the friends 50 th I mentioned? Well his wife has organised a surprise drink for him at a local pub and has invited me but not surprisingly has also invited my husband and the manipulating *****. So what do I do ? Go or not ? You know I'm so tired I keep falling asleep in the middle of writing this ! Zzzzzzzzzz

Going under

Its all gone back to the start - I'm crying in the car all the time and everywhere - work and when I am out - not good. My husband is now referring to them as a couple and has told me to 'let go'. I can't - I still love him :-( I'm so tired again, my back is bad, the stuff going on in school gets worse etc.etc. Once again the only thing keeping me going is my daughters. I have no concentration at the moment which is not good for work or for my studies. I keep thinking about dying alone - old and lonely :-(

At the moment I can't see an end to this and hurt so much. He sent me a long email (for him as he said) - how can he say that he doesn't regret our marriage at all and do this ? Does she have some sort of hold on him - yes of course - but what ? What didn't I have - I'm a failure ...........

Down Day - maybe its time to say goodbye

Its been a 'down day' today with me being really tearful all day. I got a text from him telling me she has a right for her friends to see them as a couple, then I got another one saying she had taken the pic down as I was so upset. Now she seems like the kind reasonable one to him - he doesn't see how insensitive and cruel it was to put it up in the first place. He made me cry at work. He keeps sending me these kind of texts when I am at work ! He also left me a voice message to say it wasn't done to hurt me and that they are a couple now and so want to let her friends see that.

Everything feels like it is slipping away from me - one of our joint friends is now socialising with them both even though they were not friends with her before. She is stealing my life - may as well not be here any more.

Relapse

I've not had a good day today ...... my husband responded to my text re a ticket to say he had bought tickets already - tickets.... he was bringing her. I couldn't do the show knowing that she is in the audience and that I may bump into her afterwards. So I am thinking of dropping out. I don't want to as even though my heart is not really in it, it is keeping me sane. He seems to think that I should have moved on - and in fact a friend who is also her friend has pretty much told me to 'move on'.

What is wrong with me - should I have 'moved on' by now ? They and others are assuming that because her husband starting dating new woman within a few weeks of them splitting up, I should too. I still love him and miss him but I don't like what he has done to me and how he is making me feel. They have stolen my life as  it was. She is even trying to get in with some of my friends but putting comments on their facebook statuses!!

I tried to get my wedding ring off today because I was so upset with him. But I seem to be very bloated at the moment and it won't come off - in fact I am a bit worried about this bloating and don't know if I should go to the doctors. I feel like I just want to curl up again and not see anyone anymore - and just wither away quietly. I've had loads of tears today and some cuddles from a couple of good friends who were there at the time and could tell I was tearful.

To top it all I discovered tonight that she has put a picture of her and my husband as her profile photo on facebook - how cruel is that ????????

Everyone tells me that it will get better and I'll be in a better place afterwards. But I think that I will never accept this, but eventually will learn to live with it. As my friend says - things will definitely never be the same again - whether it is better or not remains to be seen.

Click here >>> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5LJWG-sQys

So hypocritical or is it double standards?

Well what can I say except that I am really really cross. I discovered that the manipulating ***** is buying a trampoline for her kids. You might ask what is wrong with that ? Well two things in my mind - firstly they have no money apparently but they can somehow afford that luxury and secondly our daughters always wanted a trampoline and he didn't want one in the garden. That has really upset me and has led me to thinking about everything again. I was feeling a bit better but this has set me back again. I went to see a film at the cinema with my daughter and was worried I would bump into both of them.

My youngest daughters birthday is coming up in May and she has told me she doesn't want a present from him. He has texted her and asked her to go to coffee but she doesn't want to. She hasn't replied yet.

I get very few texts from him now and had no reply to the one I sent asking if he wants me to get him one ticket for the next musical I'll be in at the concessionary price we get for a month. I don't know how I will manage if he wants her to go along with him. It actually makes me feel physically sick thinking about it. I feel so sad again :-( I must have been an awful wife otherwise he wouldn't have left me .

I'm back after a business trip to the us this week. I really missed having someone at home that was looking forward to coming back and whom I called each day. Made me feel quite lonely :-( I am now beginning to enjoy my freedom but do still love and miss him. My back is playing up still, I can't seem to get it sorted. I'm still up and down but I think the balance has shifted to more up than down now which is good. My daughter noted how clean, tidy and girlie the house now was and that she liked it. I have a very busy weekend again. I need some me rime methinks. Time to sleep now I've been awake for about 40 hours as I can't get to sleep on the plane. Oh just remembered that my husband has texted my youngest daughter and asked her to coffee. She hasn't responded as she doesn't want to.....

I want to see Elly :-(

Well last night my husband attended the quiz I was at. I find it very hard to talk to him ........ he looked very old, drawn and tired yesterday. His new lifestyle is definitely affecting him and it doesn't look like its for the good.....

Today I went on the photo course he booked for me as a Christmas present. It was an OK day, not amazing - my back is really playing up badly. As it was in a park there were loads of dogs there and I discovered I really missed our dog Elly. It brought tears to my eyes and I decided that I would ask for him to bring her around to say hello when I get back from the next business trip.

I'm off again next week this time to the US so don't know if I'll get a chance to blog at all - so may not be back till Friday.

Why does he do this ?

Well I have been away for a couple of days on business. I come back look in the fridge and find that my husband has bought me some of my favourite German food that you can only get in a particular shop. It is so nice of him to do that but its really messing with my emotions. How should I react to that ???

I really missed having someone to call when I was away and having someone here when I came home. I came to an empty dark house :-( I did call my daughter and chatted to her but she was out when I got in. Somehow it is not the same as having your husband at home and looking forward to coming back to him.

I still really really miss him and still find it hard to talk to him without crying. And I still hate her so much.

Dear God - still no sign.......

Off on a business trip

I'll be away for the next few days on a business trip. I'm a bit anxious as I will be leaving my 18 year old daughter alone in the house for the next three days. I also am not quite sure how I will handle a trip away on my own especially as I will have loads of time travelling on my own to think about things.

One of the good things will be that I can sleep without the interruption of a cat meowing and purring around my head!

I had a bit of a drive today for work and ended up thinking all kinds of things again - the scariest being what will happen at Christmas this year and its only March !

My daughter told me that she had ordered tickets for her graduation today but could only get two. She can't apply for the others till early May and there is no guarantee she will get any more. These first two are for me and her boyfriend.  Should I let my husband know that he may not get a ticket now, or wait until after May when we find out one way or the other ?

I forgot to mention last Friday that when my husband popped in to pick up post (I was working from home), he told me his life was very hard  - not having enough money and having to work so hard in a badly paid job. I told him I still loved him and missed him and that he could come back. He just said he can't because he loved 'her' then started to cry and walked out - what do I make of that ????

Anyhow I probably won't be able to post for a few days - so catch up soon x

Hmmmmmm

Well I've had a message from the man on the forum pushing to talk on the phone. He says he has no photo to share via the forum as he only has a group one and so wants to email it. He says he doesn't have a digital camera to take one ! If there is a will there is a way so not sure I want to do either of those.

One of the cats is driving me nuts. She keeps waking me up in the night and early morning so the sleep is not going well :-( and my back is still hurting. Otherwise apart from the odd tear at times and having to take each day at a time and not really being able to plan much ahead I think I am managing sort of. Hopefully I will get better with this being single lark over time. Do I want another man ? No I still dont think so. Do I still want my husband back ? Yes I think so.

A hug from a friend

I feel like a broken record the amount of times I have had to repeat to folk why my hussband left and how I feel. Speaking with a couple of friends who have both been through marriage break ups they told me that I should forget him and just think of myself. They didn't think I needed to hate him as others have said. The discussion did bring me to tears again :-( so I got a hug.

There are aspects of being 'sungle' that are fine such as being able to do what I want when I want. But there is so much that I miss about being with my husband. He is fundamentally a loving caring kind man which is what makes this so hard. He was my perfect man. I don't think I could ever find anyone else who would do for me what he did. Of course he had his faults but the pluses far outweighed them. I still hate her for taking away what I had. I hope karma will punish her.

I have a busy few weeks ahead of me travelling on business. I'm not looking forward to it.

A productive day

Today was the first real productive day I have had for months. I managed to cut the grass, buy my younger daughter her first car, make a lasagna from scratch, do the ironing, order plants and veg for the garden and catch up on some OU work.

Its amazing what a nice sunny and warm day can do to improve your mood :-) It was nice to be able to hang washing out again.

Even though I have been busy it has been quiet. I'm on my own tonight so plan to get to bed a little earlier than I have been - I hope for a better night's sleep. I think I needed a day like today to feel a little more positive.

I still haven't had that sign from God and can't bring myself to go to church. That's actually quite sad for me as it used to be a big part of my life. I'm sure the folks at church are finding it hard to understand why I am not there. But I can't.......

An interesting perspective

I had lunch with an ex work colleague who knows my husband pretty well and is an astute individual. He had a very different perspective from everyone else on the situation and has given me loads of food for thought.

My husband is keen to help me out where he can and so went and bought a toilet seat and fitted it for me in place of the broken one. I am very torn about letting him do things for me. Torn between that and just getting on with it myself.

My daughter sent in her draft dissertation and was much happier :-)

Had another fun karaoke evening and got tiddly again - this is a regular occurrence now - is that bad ?

What did today bring ?

Ive started crying in the car again and keep thinking about him. I'm definitely going backwards for some odd reason. I now just want to curl up at home and not speak to anyone or do anything. I'm finding it hard to motivate myself and am getting behind with my ou. He hasn't been in touch for a couple of days now. I think I am running on empty now and have no idea how to fill up again - anyone got any ideas ? Life is so hard at the moment. I try to think about those not so well off to get things in proportion.

I came up with the concept of 'simplify myLife' today. Need to give that more thought.

It's nearly 1am

And I am still not on my way to bed. I have just spent the last hour and a half talking to my daughter on the phone about her results for her dissertation and how to best analyse them.

Once again I am just existing getting from one day to the next - wandering my way through things totally disorganised. As I am usually an organised person I am finding this all very painful :-(

Late last night I sent a text to my husband asking if he wants to attend my daughters dissertation in July. He was over the moon to be asked.

I think I am starting to get cross about the situation I am in and the fact he has allowed the manipulating ***** to lead me to this. How could he let anyone do that to me ? He says he loves me and regrets what he has done. He still hasn't sussed out the overall impact this has had on the girls and me. I think I am currently a heart attack waiting to happen.

He texted me and said he would help me where he can - I told him that he had walked out of our lives so I won't be asking him to help. Not sure why ? I also seriously thought about blocking him on fb so he can't find out what I am saying. I don't want him to know what we are doing. Let him suffer - after all he is making the girls and me suffer.

I've had a few people from church call and leave messages on the phone. I don't want to call back as I know I can't go back and will likely blub on the phone.

I've started crying all over again today - in the car, when talking to people - and I feel such anger and hatred towards HER again - another big step backwards.

When will I be able to move on ?

I'm sooo tired - sooo much to do ....... and sooo sad again. I just can't seem to move on. I feel like I have taken a whole load of steps back and I hate it. aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Having a bad time again

Oh dear I'm going through a bad patch again. I am missing my husband so much and feel the hate for her again. Not sure what has brought this on. Possibly because I mentioned in a return text to him that my back was bad and when I came home from work the recycling bins had been put out so I didn't have to lift them. That was a nice gesture but it has made me realise again what a wonderful man has been stolen from me by that manipulating ***** :-( also there seem to be loads of songs being played on the radio that take me back.

He told me in a fb message today that he still cries about our daughters not talking to him. It didn't have to be like this. Oh why oh why ? I have had calls from the vicar and his wife but haven't returned them bat the moment I dont want to go back. I have no faith as god has not answered me and to be honest I need Sunday mornings to do things I don't get done during the week. My life has changed so much and at the moment it is a live hate relationship. Whilst it is nice to have the freedom I miss the companionship. Oh dear oh dear .

Is she spying ?

I found out today that the manipulating ***** uses my husband's laptop to go on fb and that is why it looked like he was going on skype. When I pinged him the other day, she would have seen it - I wonder if she also automatically gets to go on his fb ? If so it feels like she is spying on me. I wish now I had written something else on skype !!

I managed to get a bad assignment written and sent in - I'm expecting a very bad mark for this. I am finding it really really hard to concentrate. In fact in lots of ways my life stinks at the moment. Its late now and I need some sleep so I'm not going to write anything more.....................

Catching up .......

I thought I would catch up on my blog this morning as I haven't written for two evenings. I am really struggling to do my first assignment for my course which has to be in by Tuesday. So I need to finish it today as I have no time afterwards to work on it. Usually I send my assignments in a week in advance so I reflected on why I am so late. I think it is two things - I'm finding it hard to concentrate and my daughters need lots of my time at the moment on top of all the other things I am trying to do.

Whilst it is nice having the freedom of being 'single' again I do miss the companionship and having someone else to talk to in the moment about what is going on in my mind and how I am feeling.

I had a lovely day on Friday as I went to my friends son's army passing out parade (men in uniform!). It was lovely to see him parading and I felt very very privileged to be able to be there. It was a very special moment in his life and for his family. I know they are proud of him and so was I :-) His sergeant was rather nice looking too - lol. I did miss my husband being there with me. And then in the evening I joined other friends for karaoke. Whilst I didn't sing I did discover that wine does make me drunk regardless of whether I have eaten or not........ We had a great time especially as they kept the pub open for an extra hour because three of the guys with us sang Nessem Dorma (on my suggestion). I used to not like this particular pub and kept well away from it, but the landlady is trying to make improvements and has got rid of the less savoury characters. Her problem now is changing its bad reputation.

Yesterday was spent trying to get the assignment done - got half way, looking for a car for my daughter and going to a friends eccentric and quaint Mad Hatters 30th birthday party. My daughter is desperate to lose weight and it is making her depressed. Whilst at one of the car traders some silly boys with a hose splashed in our direction and it got her. She burst into tears and was convinced it was deliberate and that everyone thinks she is fat and ugly. So we went straight home. She has found one of those diets that posts all your food to you at home and you just eat the meals they provide plus extra fruit and veg. We've researched it on the Internet and it gets good reviews, so she is going to give it a try. It'll be worth it if it helps get her out of this depression.

Its good to have some male friends who know about cars as my daughter saw one she liked. It was from a private buyer. Anyhow I was really nervous about this so asked for some advice. Turns out it was a write off in Sept 2010 and would be impossible to insure. So we will likely buy from trade rather than private - so we are still looking.

Anyhow gotta go and finish this assignment - bye for now.

Nine weeks since he left

Today I am suffering with a bad back which also seems to be affecting my knee. This is an old back problem that I have been managing ok over the years so don't know why it has flared up now. I'm walking like an old woman and am in pain even when sitting - not good. Not having my husband around adds extra pressure too. I wonder if it has returned because I am having to move the heavy bins etc. That doesn't bode well :-(

Its been nine weeks since he left - how do I feel now ? I'm no longer crying so much but things that remind me of him and our time together still set me off. I am still not managing living on my own and not getting much needed sleep. I'm getting better at sorting out evening meals but not packed lunches. I'm really behind with my OU and have an assignment to do. Normally I would have it sent in a week in advance. I'm very behind. I have not gone back to church - I think I would still cry there. Friends are still lovely and supportive but the frequency of them getting in touch has gone down. My husband texts me off and on and I haven't really seen him now for a number of weeks. I still  miss him and our dog. I would still have him back, though my daughters would say I am mad. My daughters are still not talking to him. I think I am smiling more - and in fact someone at work said today I seem to be doing very well - I'm a better actress than I thought I was !

Mr Blue Sky

There is so much around that brings back so many memories of being with my husband. On the way home today 'Mr Blue Sky' by ELO came on the radio. It brought tears to my eyes as it made me think of some of our happy happy early years together. And in chat with some friends I felt so sad because I know my husband is a good, kind, caring man and I'll never find anyone like that again. So many friends never have had the opportunity to appreciate such a kind thoughtful husband. It hurts so much to know that the manipulating ***** is getting that love and caring now - stolen from me.

My daughter went to the doctors today because she is bursting into tears about everything. She was hoping the doctor would help but she didn't do anything apart from saying come back in two weeks. Talking about why she is feeling so low, one of the key reasons is because of my husband leaving us. The manipulating ***** reckons that her kids are unaffected about the situation - her and her husband splitting up, him moving out and a strange (ish) man moving in. Either they have very different values in life or something will show up in time.

Today has been mostly uneventful. I did get a 'have a good day' text from my husband. Also discovered more people who didn't know and ...... that the manipulating *****, her husband and my husband were together 'upstairs' whilst her son celebrated his 18th birthday party downstairs. Makes you wonder doesn't it ?

My daughter and her boyfriend treated me to some lovely flowers and cooked me a meal of stuffed pepper and a wonderful curry :-) They are staying overnight tonight so I'm not alone - yeah !

My daughter at uni told me today that she will be back for two weeks at the end of March - at uni for two weeks, back for two weeks and then has exams for two weeks and then she is finished - it will come quickly and then I'll have more company again :-)

Mr forum man hasn't messaged me for a few days - I wonder if he has found someone else ?

Ho hum...