I still love him!

Sorry I've been a bit quiet over the last few days. With the upset of the cat dying and being busy and then away I just haven't been able to get on line.

Anyhow I had a lovely weekend away with a friend in Dorset. It was relaxing and nice to do something away from home. We were fortunate to have good weather on Saturday so spent time driving around, walking and at the beach.

I couldn't help but reminisce of good times with my husband and how thoughtful and kind he is. I know I still love him and still feel like he has been stolen from me. I don't think I will ever accept that he has gone, so to move on I guess I will have to as a minimum resign myself to it and do the best I can. I would so love to run to him and give him a huge hug and kiss - but it doesn't seem appropriate to do that ......

I also realised that my life revolved around my husband. I didn't spend any time going out with friends, we rarely went away or out to the cinema etc. Everything I did was work, theatre, OU, governors and being with my husband - but not really enjoying doing something together that was outside of that. I always felt that I shouldn't do anything else and should be with him - and I was OK with that as I love him. We did enjoy each others company and doing the theatre stuff, but because of money we never did much else anymore. I did suggest to him that as the girls were older now we could go away for weekends - but he never seemed interested. It seems ironic that now I am going out and doing these things and despite the fact they have no money they too are going out to the cinema, for meals etc. Why is it so ???

You do start to reflect on things that were odd at the time but now make more sense such as - no interest in arranging a holiday, no discussion when I had to make a decision whether to take redundancy or a job, no real emotion from him when I was upset about my diamond falling out and losing it from my engagement ring. All of these were so unlike him and at the time I thought it odd but never thought it could be because his attention was elsewhere - how stupid have I been !!

On a positive note - my salary seemed to go further this month - so he was right when he said I would be better off. I'm going to make the most of being out with friends and doing things for me.

Never ending