I got a 'Love you'

Another busy and stressful day at work. I still can't get my emails under 100 unread both at work and home :-(

I had a text from my husband today and he finished it with 'Love you'. This is the first time he has said that since he left. I wonder if that is significant or if I am reading too much into it ?

I discovered some more people today who still didn't know <sigh>. He popped down to the theatre group today briefly. I was helping behind the bar so didn't really see him or speak to him.

I'm still tired and can't sleep well or even get to sleep at a reasonable time. My daughter and her boyfriend said they plan to spend more time in our house which will be nice.

Ho hum - guess I should get to bed - I wonder if I can do it before midnight, I have 13 minutes and counting.........

I still love him!

Sorry I've been a bit quiet over the last few days. With the upset of the cat dying and being busy and then away I just haven't been able to get on line.

Anyhow I had a lovely weekend away with a friend in Dorset. It was relaxing and nice to do something away from home. We were fortunate to have good weather on Saturday so spent time driving around, walking and at the beach.

I couldn't help but reminisce of good times with my husband and how thoughtful and kind he is. I know I still love him and still feel like he has been stolen from me. I don't think I will ever accept that he has gone, so to move on I guess I will have to as a minimum resign myself to it and do the best I can. I would so love to run to him and give him a huge hug and kiss - but it doesn't seem appropriate to do that ......

I also realised that my life revolved around my husband. I didn't spend any time going out with friends, we rarely went away or out to the cinema etc. Everything I did was work, theatre, OU, governors and being with my husband - but not really enjoying doing something together that was outside of that. I always felt that I shouldn't do anything else and should be with him - and I was OK with that as I love him. We did enjoy each others company and doing the theatre stuff, but because of money we never did much else anymore. I did suggest to him that as the girls were older now we could go away for weekends - but he never seemed interested. It seems ironic that now I am going out and doing these things and despite the fact they have no money they too are going out to the cinema, for meals etc. Why is it so ???

You do start to reflect on things that were odd at the time but now make more sense such as - no interest in arranging a holiday, no discussion when I had to make a decision whether to take redundancy or a job, no real emotion from him when I was upset about my diamond falling out and losing it from my engagement ring. All of these were so unlike him and at the time I thought it odd but never thought it could be because his attention was elsewhere - how stupid have I been !!

On a positive note - my salary seemed to go further this month - so he was right when he said I would be better off. I'm going to make the most of being out with friends and doing things for me.

Never ending

R.I.P Whitney x

I started today by being woken up by a howl. Getting up I discovered our sick cat collapsed on the stairs. I picked her up, she was looking at me as she gasped for breath and then died in my arms :-( I then spend the next hour and a half crying whilst I got ready for work, phoned the vet, took her to the vet and drove to work. It is so dreadful finding yourself in that situation when all alone ...........

I tried phoning my husband who said he wanted to be there for me and the girls should we need help. All I got was his voice mail so I left a distressed message. I also texted both the girls to call me. My husband had his phone off so he didn't pick up the message till three hours later. I was fuming - what if it had been a major emergency ? Anyhow we've had a day of messages going back and forward. Being at work I couldn't respond or call. When I got home he called and I got very upset on the phone - he couldn't seem to understand what I was trying to say at first. He did apologise but as I had a rehearsal and was getting upset I said I needed to go and hung up. Anyhow he didn't like that so he called back. My daughter picked up and said I had gone (I was on my way out) and hung up. Well following that he then rang both the house phones consistently one after the other. We had 14 missed calls on one of them. Then he tried 4 times on my mobile. So then I got a text saying he was too upset to come down to the theatre to pick some paperwork up and could I pick it up! Is this the way someone who loves you behaves ??

Anyhow I am emotionally drained again and feel like I have taken a number of huge steps back again. My hate for her has again surfaced with a vengeance.

I had planned to go to the cinema with a friend tomorrow, which I had mentioned to him when at the vets on Monday. Suddenly he is going to the cinema tomorrow with the manipulating *****.

I called the doctors today to get my test results back. The good news is that the blood results are ok. The urine ones were not back so I have to call again tomorrow.

Dear God - no sign yet - just more pain and sadness. When will this let up ? 2011 has got to be one of the worst ones in my life so far - what have I done to deserve this ?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UxIgigG8JQM

Sinking....................

I think I am slowly sinking :-( Everything I am involved in is full on at the moment, work, school governors, OU, theatre group, sick cat, my health (maybe - need to get the results still) and emotions, I'm not getting to bed early enough because I have so much to do and then I am woken by the cat early. Something will break soon......

A problem for me though is when I make a commitment I feel I have to follow through - I don't like to let others down.

Mr Forum has slowed down his messages to me now, maybe he has found someone else. That's ok with me though as I said before, I'm not looking for another relationship ..... apart from the emotional aspects - I don't have time !

A fraught day

Its been a fraught day today. I had to call the nurse at the doctors after getting a message to call them back and we had to take one of the cats to the vet. The nurse told me that they found protein and nitrates in the urine sample I took in on Friday and so they have sent it to the lab for testing. Apparently you can get Protein in your urine if you are stressed ;-/ I have to call for the results in the next few days along with the blood test results.

The vet gave the cat a shot of antibiotics. If she doesn't start eating in the next day or two we'll have to take her back and then........ :-( I called my husband to let him know about the cat so he met us down at the vets. My daughter wouldn't talk to him unless he asked her direct questions. I could see he was getting irritated about it. We talked but again really only about bits and bobs. He seemed to know I was going away this weekend and with whom.......... I didn't really want him to know.

I know I still miss him and still can't understand why he has done this to himself, the girls and me. What is the attraction with HER ????????????? It has to be sex after all she isn't particularly attractive or nice (oh I am a *****!). Apparently our dog is getting aggressive to them and very protective of things she steals. But she is also being sick at nights. Maybe she can see straight through the manipulating ***** for what she is - dogs after all are intelligent creatures :-)

At last ! I manged to lie in to almost 11am !! I did wake up a few times but it was lovely to sleep :-) And I had a rather unusual dream - two nice young men, one of which I got a bit saucy with and a tunnel that went under Stevenage. The tunnel was full of interesting people including a group of eldery (60/70ish) ladies in belly dancing costumes. Now I'd love to have this dream analysed :-D

My duaghter went back to uni but didn't want to do, so we had tears. When she is back for a bit longer at Easter I have promise both of them we'll have some girly days. My other duaghter is going through a period of depression - part of which is due to my husband leaving. She doesn't want him to come back and thinks I shouldn't.

One of our cats who has been ill seems to be going downhill. Looks like that will be a trip to the vet tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to that as I am expecting the worst.

I'm not hearing from my husband much at the moment. Not sure if that is good or bad......

My forum guy is still writing and still dropping loads of hints, but I still have no photo.

How am I feeling at the moment ? More positive, still confused, still hate 'her' with a passion, overwhelmed with everything, enjoying some of being 'single' but hating other aspects. 

Two days in one

I didn't get around to updating my blog yesterday as it was a manic day and evening. By the time I got home at around 1am fairly drunk, I just wanted to go to bed ! I had a great evening at the pub with loads of friends singing karaoke :-) One of the pub's regulars who I am told is an ex traveller, grabbed me for a dance. I am really becoming more like a single much younger person out and about. Whilst it is fun, I don't think I can keep this up as I am knackered. I'm not sleeping very well again and I'm waking up at odd hours even without the cat. But even so - I've always been so sensible - maybe it is time to do those things I didn't do in my younger days.

Today I went to Cambridge for my OU tutorial. On route I passed a lovely garden centre and fields that my husband had taken me to last summer to photograph poppies. I felt very sad when I passed them as it brought back memories of how nice he was to hunt out a good place for me to take the photos. He is a good and kind man and I do miss him loads. In fact the person who told him about these fields was one of the manipulating *****'s best friends. It occurred  to me that I did think it odd at the time how he had become such good friends with her. When he originally said he was going to stay with me, he saw this woman in Sainsbury's and she gave him a really nasty look and then blanked him. Afterwards when he changed his mind she was friends with him again. When asked why she behaved like that she said it was because she had had to sit with her friend whilst she poured her heart out and cried. So its OK for her to do that but she doesn't care a shit about the impact on me. She as a person is now very low on my list of nice people. How fickle !

My husband had his first shift at his new job and spent 8 hours on his feet. He found that very hard - so he is really suffering now for his new life.

Tonight I took part in a murder/mystery with the group we have done these with for a number of years now. It was odd not having my husband there. I missed him. At a party I was at  afterwards one of my young friends said some really lovely things to me - I was very touched and surprised.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - I am so appreciative of my lovely caring friends - thanks for being there for me. I fear that are some more ups and downs to go xx

Is he running away from something ?

Its been nice this evening as one of my daughters friends came around so they could study together. We ate together and had a lovely girly chat. I definitely like a busier house than when I am on my own. The cat woke me up again at 6:30am so I am feeling really tired now. Despite planning an early night last night it didn't happen.

I went to visit my mother in law a couple of days ago and she mentioned that someone had 'keyed' his car - possibly the other woman's husband. I thought he was OK with it all - well that is what my husband told me. I've also heard a few people say that her kids are wild and crazy. It didn't sound like that was in a good way.

I'm still struggling to understand why he would leave all he had to a complete change - an absolutely different life in loads of ways. He now has two jobs which will mean he will be working all weekend and most evenings. This means he has had to give up the plan of directing the autumn drama show at the theatre group. He is such a good actor and director, it is a shame.... we origianally met in a local drama group :-( He is leaving everything in his life for this one manipulating woman and her three wayward kids. Why would anyone do that when they had a lot to look forward to in their life which on balance was easy compared to what he is living like now. He says he still loves us all, but my daughters don't want to talk to him or see him. They say it would be awkward now.

It is almost like he is running away from his life that was ............ was it really that bad ? ..........it makes me feel so sad and upset to think that maybe that is why he has gone. What could I have done differently ???

Why is it ......?

That I can be OK one day and then I talk to him and I go backwards. He called this evening to talk to me about something and my previous up beat feeling vanished immediately :-(

I had a lovely surprise when I walked in this evening from work in that my daughter from university came home for a few days. And then my other daughter and her boyfriend decided to come and stay over after their meal out. It is so nice having a fuller house again.

I was woken up at 6am this morning by the cat insisting on poking me, purring in my ear and lying on top of me. So I am shattered and am off to bed for some sleep. I can't be bothered to do email or respond back to the forum guy. I owe him a message from Tuesday. I hope he doesn't think I am annoyed with him.......

Time to move on.....

Well - I've been feeling a bit more positive over the last few days :-) A friend said that the pain is starting to leave my face - and to be honest I now am not sure what I would do if he wanted to come back. I still love him and would like his companionship - I will always hate her. However I am so busy at the moment and can do what I please...... Maybe I'm ready to move on ? I didn't think I would reach this stage so quickly - its only been just over two months since he told me he was leaving me. I guess I have accepted it at last because I have been fortunate to have such wonderful friends of all ages who have cared for me. An old friend from church rang tonight and asked me to come back - said they were missing me. Thank you thank you thank you everyone - I couldn't have done this without you. I owe loads of favours and dinners :-)

I'm going away for a break with a friend next weekend - I'm really looking forward to it.

Valentines Day

I thought I would be quite upset today being Valentines day, however suprisingly I wasn't. Both my daughters bought me a card and one of them brough me some flowers. They were beautiful and very thoughtful :-) Rightly or wrongly I sent a card to my husband at her house - after all he is still my husband and my valentine.... I haven't heard anything and I don't expect to, especially as apparently she got upset last night when she saw him fb chatting with me. I hadn't planned to chat to him - he started the conversation off!

I have had another man contact me from Broxbourne on the forum. What do I do now ? I am not interested in another relationship - oh my word - maybe I need to delete myself from the forum if I can ..... I haven't got the time or energy to be dealing with this.

Today I felt a little freer than I have for a very long time. I think I may be starting to enjoy being able to do what I want when I want, but I still miss the love, hugs and companionship I had. Its still lonely at night time and first thing in the morning, especually not having someone to hug and kiss before leaving for work and when coming back. It is a very different lifestyle - I may start to enjoy it if I can fill in the missing bits :-)

A busy day

Today was a busy day with most of it being spent at auditions. I didn't get much sleep as the cats woke me up at 8:30 pawing me for their breakfast, so it'll be an early night tonight to try and catch up on sleep.

My husband caught me on facebook today and chatted about the party last night, the dog (who is being sick) and the fact that I should be better off money wise now he isn't spending it. We'll see.....

Last night and recently made me realise how many of my friends are good friends and how lucky I am to have so many. I wish I could be better at actively keeping in touch with them - I know I am rubbish at that - sorry :-(

I'm still finding my mind wandering when trying to concentrate on things. I'll start thinking about my husband and what he might be doing - or her. This is making it hard for me to study my OU course. On the whole I think I am doing OK now - starting to work out new routines and ways of doing things - however my heart isn't in things. I don't really have the same enthusiasm for everything as I had before, it all feels dampened. I don't know if that is because my husband is not there. He was such a big part of my life. As I've said before - my soulmate, lover, husband and best friend. Not having him around to just chat to is a big thing. I rarely put the TV on and in fact now spend more time in my bedroom with the music on, on the laptop or reading. A bit like my daughters do. In fact when I'm at home I sometimes am in silence - feels very weird.

The man is still sending me messages - still would like to talk on the phone - still being very flattering - I'm still a bit concerned about him. I'm sure he is a very nice man, but I am cautious.

Oh well - off to bed for me now - Valentines day tomorrow - not looking forward to it.............

It feels odd spending money on me....

Today was a pamper day for me - I had my hair done and a manicure and I spent time relaxing in the bath etc. It was very odd doing that - I rarely have time or bother to spend time and money on 'me' things. It felt quite odd and I felt guilty.

Tonight I was at a couple's 25th wedding anniversary party. It was a 'posh' do and everyone dressed up. It was nice to dress up and all look smart and glitzy. I wasn't sure at first if I would go especially as it was the first time I would be at a party on my own. It helps that there are quite a few friends who are single. It was a lovely evening and the company was lovely too. It would have been tear free except one person started to talk to me about my husband and my faith - I did shed a tear and tried to move away. I did boogy quite a bit and also drank a few glasses of wine but felt sick (probably because I haven't eaten much all day) so didn't really get drunk.

My husband did text me earlier in the day to wish me a good evening. I thanked him and said it was a shame that we were not going together.

It is now 1:15 am and I really should sleep as I was up earlier than I wanted to be this morning so am now lacking sleep. Tomorrow are the auditions for our next show and I am on the audition panel so need to be wide awake.

No routine ....

I don't seem to have any real routine these days - each day is different and for someone who likes some structure it is hard. I find that I am wafting from one thing to another. Today was a busy day at work but I was fortunate not to have to cook any meals. A group from work went out for lunch to celebrate the end of a project and some wonderful friends had me over for dinner again tonight - thank you xx

I also joined some other friends at a pub doing karaoke.There were some really good singers there, so I didn't sing! After finishing late and taking folk home, plus catching up on a few things at home it is now 1:45am - time for sleep

I can't move on

So here I am lying in bed again on my own in the house. I got up went to work - went to governors meeting - came home and went to bed. And again I have had time to think and am missing my husband and hating her again. I don't think I can let go :-( I feel I need to tell her what I feel - the message I sent her in reply to the one she sent to me never got to her because my husband intercepted it and then deleted it - so I feel I have unfinshed buisness with her. Until I have done that I'm not sure I can move on. I have thought about printing it off and putting it in the post to her.

That party that I mentioned previously .... I haven't seen an invite yet, so I'm guessing it is either not happening or I have not been invited.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iB1xS0UqtHo&feature=related

Maybe I am still in denial ?

I am still chatting to this guy on the forum I mentioned ( and no it is not a dating or match making site). He seems very nice and understanding. I am super wary though as I don't want another relationship and he is looking for one. I'm scared I'll get lured into something I really don't want. But through talking with him I do wonder if I am still in denial ..... I still think I love my husband but so many people have pointed out how wrong he has been to do what he did and that if he really really loved and cared for me he wouldn't have done it. Also I've been told to stop beating myself up as I haven't done anything wrong , he has. This guy wants to talk on the phone - should I ? I'm so confused :-(

RIP Olive

Another very emotional day. I went to church today to attend the funeral of a lovely lovely lady. I spent the whole service crying my eyes out. For the loss of Olive, my faith and my husband. Everyone was so nice. One person - the most unlikely -  came and sat next to me and just hugged me - they were so kind and the last person I ever expected to be so understanding. Then one of the other ladies told me that her husband left her and said things that were almost identical to what my husband has said and done. Our previous curate was there too and also gave me a hug and invited me to come over to her at some point to chat - I may just do that.....

Unusual for me I also planned some me things today - little things but as I never usually spend much money on me it is a change. Maybe I'm starting to move on ??

I don't know what to say anymore

The texts from him have slowed down. I didn't get one at all today.... I guess he is more settled into his new life now. I'm back to having bad dreams and not sleeping very well. I haven't established any pattern or routine yet - very strange for me - I really am not sure about this lifestyle ...... being flung into being single again at my age ... but I don't want to stay at home alone all the time either as I just get very upset and go downhill emotionally - what to do ???

Nothing much to say today

Beyond what I've said already. No change in how I feel or what I want. I am really noticing the couples and how I am now the odd one out. I hate coming home to an empty house and waking up in the morning to an empty house. The man is still messaging me. I think I've made it clear to him that I am not interested in a relationship. I really am not. I can't contemplate being with another man.

I think my faith has gone......

Dear God,

Why would you do something like this to me ? In our wedding vows we agreed to remain together for better for worse till death us do part. You sent down the ten commandments which includes 'You shall not commit adultery'. We are told that you sent your son to forgive the sins of the world. You know I think the latter part is a human not godly thing. I think that humans made that up so that they can do what they want and believe they are forgiven and so feel better and get rid of the guilt. My poor logical mind cannot make the two things fit together, so I can't follow a faith that makes no sense. I'm sorry........ if you are real I need a sign that will show me. Until then I won't be at church and well you know apparently ........

Me

Is it worth hoping ?

Click >>>> For Good

A friend told me today that he wouldn't come back to me. The little hope I had in my heart was shattered.......

More Scary

Well - that gentleman I mentioned is still writing.... he has now given me his phone number should I want to call him. I have politely told him that I am not ready to do anything except chat via messages.

My husband texted me to let me know he went for a job interview today and will find out next week if he is successful. It hurts to know that he could have job hunted before but couldn't be bothered but now he is. I understand that he has to because they desperately need some money but I now feel a little used especially over the last 18 months when he was seeing her and spending the money I had earned for us on all kinds of things - probably on things for her. He did leave £40 today to pay towards the £300 mobile phone bill he had managed to spend in December.

I still find it very painful when I have to tell people that he is not with me any longer and usually shed a tear. I think not seeing him is helping a bit, but I still find myself thinking of him when in the car and occasionally my mind wonders off.

What else is sad is that his side of the bed has been untouched since he left. The pillows are not touched except for when I change the linen :-(

I still miss him so - am I mad to hope he may come back ?

Its been four weeks

since he left and I still can't move on. Its all a struggle - even finding it hard to concentrate at work so am getting very behind. The only thing I am enjoying at the moment are the drama workshops I take part in on a Tuesday evening. I was reflecting on why, and I think it is because I can be someone else and go back to being a kid.

I heard this on the radio today .......If you ever come back I wonder if he will.............

Scary

I'm not going to write much today as I know it will all sound depressive........... I keep crying in the car, when people talk to me etc. etc. Its actually worse now than before.

One scary thing though is that I joined a forum to talk to others going through similar experiences like me and I have been contacted by a gentleman who wants to make friends. I have told him my situation but also said I'd be happy to chat via the forum. He contacted me based on the photo I posted - said I had a nice smile :-)

I don't want another relationship as I am still praying and hoping my husband will come back. I told my daughter about this guy and she just smiled and said - see you've still 'got it' - so funny !