Down down down

Watching the royal wedding today was a big mistake. It has made me very down again - especially the wedding ceremony. And I'm alone in the house, so have been crying my eyes out again :-( I feel so lethargic I don't want to do anything. I'm supposed to be going out this evening to see a friend in a band - but really don't want to go - but as I am driving I'll have to force myself.... Still taking each day as it comes and find myself just going through each day on automatic pilot. I've had a few days off work and had planned to do so much clearing out things but have done hardly anything - I just can't be bothered - so unlike me, but then again I haven't really been myself since the beginning of December.

What has he got himself into ?

I was having such a lovely day yesterday having taken my two daughters out for the day to be pampered at Champneys (a long over due treat) and then was looking forward to seeing a local show and having an after show curry and then my husband rang as I was getting ready to leave for the show.

He proceeded to tell me that the manipulating *****'s husband had gone around to their house VERY drunk and tried to beat my husband to a pulp. He managed to rip his shirt off him completely and punched her in the head ! It took her and her 18 year old son all their strength to pull him off my husband. This all happened in front of their kids. He has also threatened to stab my husband ! What kind of family has he got himself involved with ? I have to say my heart went to my stomach as I thought my husband had been hurt but he says he is fine. He said he wanted to let me know so I know the facts and not rumours I may hear. Do I have to worry now that her husband may come around here and do something ?

I've had a couple of very late nights (well 4am's) this weekend - I think I am doing all the things I should have done as a teenager/early 20s but was too sensible to do ! Anyhow my youngest daughter asked me on Monday what time I came in the previous night and when I said 4am she answered with 'are you ok ?' I said yes but was a bit tired after a couple of late nights at which she responded 'well you shouldn't be out partying to all hours of the night!' - who is the mum here !!!!! LOL

What would I do without my friends ?

Its been a little emotional for me this weekend and not when I expected..... I went out with a bunch of friends last night for a karaoke and disco. I didn't get drunk this time but had a wicked time dancing, however I just suddenly burst into tears - I have no idea what set me off but it was the first time for a while. My friends were so supportive gathering around me and then one of them grabbed me to dance, and one by one each of the fellows in our party danced with me - it made me feel so special - I haven't felt like that for a long time. Thank you thank you thank you - you are so wonderful to me xx

My husband texted my daughters having a go at them for not thanking him for their Easter eggs. Whilst I agree they should say thank you and be polite - I did think it out of order for him to send them that text - how petty !

The first significant event

Well this is the first event since my husband left me - Easter. Normally we would have celebrated by being in church a couple of times, put up an Easter tree and having a family lunch and time together. This year we have no Easter tree, I haven't been and am not going to church (and I don't expect he will either) but I am having both my daughters and their respective boyfriends over for lunch on Sunday. I did consider going to the Easter service on Sunday morning but couldn't bring myself to do so. It really doesn't feel like Easter :-(I'm still cross with God) and have been feeling very up and down again.

Everything feels so different and I haven't yet figured what I like and what I don't like. On Thursday I did the round trip to pick my daughter up from uni. We started to bring things home for her return. I worked from home that day as I wanted to get going as soon as poss after work. My husband appeared at one point with three Easter eggs, one for each of us. he said he thought I had gone to pick our daughter up and was just going to leave then for us. Then he reappeared later with prawns for the cats because I said I don't buy them any (he used to get them some every week). Again he said he thought we had left. Both times he called up to say hello to our other daughter - silence....

My daughters and I are trying to get the garden in order so that we can have some BBQs when the weather is nice so we've been busy doing some of that.

Last might I went to karaoke and got piddled. Then ended up at a friends house continuing with the sing along. I didn't get to bed till 4am. So I've not had much sleep as the cat woke me up at 8 30am for her breakfast and then the postman rang at 9 30am. I did have a dream that felt very very real. My husband appeared in the bedroom gave me a big kiss and then got into bed. I asked what he was doing and he said it was complicated. I then said he needed to go and live with his mum for a few days to see if he really wanted to come back.

I also had a text from him today telling me that they were going to gave a BBQ and I may see her mention it on fb. He didn't want me to see it and think they were inviting all our friends as it was family only. Why does he do that ? It just made me fed up as he never wanted to have BBQs at home.

I hope I will be OK tomorrow. I have taken a few days off work to try and start to sort out his mess in the study.

One thing to look forward to is one of my friends has asked about going away for a summer break :-)

I so need a break again...

I'm back to being really tired again and need some sleep - I seem to be waking at silly hours again - don't know why - plus I'm having odd dreams again. I'm looking forward to having a break over the bank holiday weekends - I hope I can get some lie ins.

I worked from home this afternoon and my husband dropped by to pop the sat nav he borrowed back. He was kind enough to bring the rubbish bins back in because of my back. They had been to a memorial service for her friend who died. He made a point of showing and telling me where the service was  (a very very large church) and that her ex husband who paid for it all was a multi millionaire - I said maybe you should introduce me to him..... I got no response..... was that below the belt ?

My daughter made me my dinner tonight and then we had a bit of a laugh attempting the karaoke on the wii - I was rubbish !

Not sure how I feel at the moment - everything feels a little surreal but less emotional but I'm scared that it will all start again.....

Feeling a little more relaxed - I think....

Sorry for not writing for a couple of days but I have been trying to get my next assignment complete to send off. I am not really happy with it - it was a badly designed assignment so not expecting great results. I'm sure my discussion is nonsense !

I had a lovely chat with a good friend whom I haven't seen for sometime - she got me thinking .... its good to have honest friends who tell you as it is and don't say what they think I want to hear - you know who you are - thanks x

One of those things I have been thinking about is the fact that I think my husband had got himself into a rut and couldn't get out of it, so he's used this as an escape route. The sad thing for me is that he didn't feel like he could talk it through with me. He probably would have but circumstances - or should I say the manipulating ***** got in the way of him doing that.

I know I want to try and live life to the full and have some decisions to make over the forthcoming months. I know I want to complete the Psychology degree as after the module I am doing I only have one more mandatory course to do to get the degree and another 30 point module to turn that into a recognised honours degree. So a maximum of two more years after this one. I need to decide what to do about the governors, should I stay or not. Half of me thinks why am I doing this to myself and the other half doesn't want to give in and let others down. I'm not ready to go back to church and don't know if I ever will. I've been trying to decide if I should go on Easter Sunday but think I have come to the conclusion that I won't - maybe next year.

The one thing I do know I want to work towards is freeing up some time to spend it with friends and to spend some more time doing some photography.

My husband came around today to borrow the sat nav and brought the dog for me to see as I haven't seen her in weeks. She was ready for a stroke but not over excited to see me :-( We had quite a good chat though I did end up getting tears in my eyes. I miss the big hugs I used to get from him so enjoyed the hug he gave me.  He again reassured me that he would not ask me to sell the house until I want to and that he is not expecting half of the sale, just some share that is fair to cover the money he put into the house. He even said if I was worried he would sign the house completely over to me. That is sooo reasonable. We also talked briefly about wills and I think that I will in a little while sort out us both going to the solicitors to see what we can do to ease my concern in this area.

This is the first time that I have met him face to face and don't feel like I have hit rock bottom again. I still love him and care for him and miss chatting with him. I still hate her with a vengeance for what she has done to us. I would still have him back if he wanted to come back - but it would be with conditions attached. Does that sound bad ?

I asked my daughter if she will ever talk to him again, she said yes but may take a while. He would be happy to know that.She also said that she will never want the manipulating ***** near her or her family.  I wonder if that will change ?

I wish I had the chance!

Today's message from God........

On this day of your life, Slava, we believe God wants you to know ... that a successful relationship requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
	Always with the same person, but deeper and deeper every time. Each time on a whole new level you together open in love and discover the truth of your beloved anew. There is no limit to the beauty of your beloved. If you think you've reached the end, stop generalizing.

so does still being in love with him but him being in love with someone else count ?

I lost my beloved iopd touch on Tuesday and am gutted - I had so much on it that it has left a big hole. This is my third hole in my life, my husband, my fav cat and now my ipod touch - maybe that will be it now and I can move on - I wish :-(

My mind keeps wondering off thinking about all kinds of things and still trying to rationalise the situation. I'm finding myself frowning a lot at the moment and am easily irritated at the moment, all not good things.

I'm off to work behind the bar for the drama show tonight. My husband is coming to watch it....... more later..

I love my friends :-)

I've been fretting recently about getting my garden nice so I can have friends around for some barbecues this summer but my back has been so bad recently I know I would suffer terribly. The girls and I enjoy barbeques but my husband was never keen on having them and I wanted to do something to thank my friends for being such great support to me over the months. I mentioned this to a friend and he suggested asking a few friends around to sort the garden out. Well - he's gone ahead and organised it and so we are going to have a garden clean up barbecue - I am sooo lucky and grateful.

I have heard from a few friends who have bumped into my husband with the manipulating ***** in tow. The first comment everyone makes is 'she's short' or ' she's a funny thing'. I had a text from him telling me when he was coming to see the next play at the theatre group (alone) and when they are going to see another company's show so I can avoid going on that date. As far as I am aware she rarely went to see shows beforehand - wasn't interested - funny how now she does want to - another example of her wanting my life - and my husband kindly obliging.....

I seem to be crying less now - but everytime he texts me or someone asks me something about him or the situation I feel sad and kind of go into my own world thinking again about what did I do and what could I have done differently. Still no answers :-( And still no signs from God :-(  I'm also finding that I reminise about things that have been with my husband - so many memories keep flooding my mind. I feel so sad inside. Sleeping is still a challenge so I've been trying to get to bed earlier. The cat woke me up at around 5am this morning - its getting earlier and earlier. When I get to sleep I do sleep but not completely undisturbed either by my back hurting or the cat, so I'm always tired. I can but hope this will improve.

The cat is making me mad

Well here I am again alone in the house in bed early for a change shattered after having spent most of the day on the road taking my daughter back to uni.

I managed to do the analysis for my assignment but haven't started to write it up. I have a week left before it has to go in and I have very few opportunities to work on it. I'm really worried I won't get it done.

I had a lovely evening with friends last night at a patio warming :-) I do feel awkward being without my husband at these social events and during the evening felt sad that he wasn't there.

So the cat...... I'm really beginning to hate her. When I get to bed she is right up by my head and she is waking me up between 6 and 7 in the mornings. She is lonely too because she used to hang around my husband all the time plus her sister died a few weeks ago.

I'm having weird dreams again. Had one last night about moving into a new house with people who I seemed to be related to but I didn't recognise. Then I went to this lovely place which I wanted to photograph so went back to the house to get my camera but not before noticing that people were swimming naked in this lake. On the way back to the house I noticed that the house was half under water as the tide from the sea came in. I went into the house to tell everyone and then proceeded to hunt through all the rooms to find one I liked. So strange !

I really feel on empty and emotionless at the moment. It is an odd experience having an 'I can't be bothered and don't care feeling' - not like me at all :-(

God is having a laugh....

On this day of your life, Slava, we believe God wants you to know ... that you deserve happiness just because.
	There is nothing you need to do to deserve happiness. There are no 'minimal requirements' for you to fulfill before you can claim happiness. You deserve happiness simply by virtue of having been born. That's it. Nothing more is required. Be happy.

So God - why did you allow this to happen so I am unhappy ??

I've decided that I am so tired and I never can get a lie in that I will not go out to karaoke tonight so I can get to bed early and see if I can get some more sleep. The weather has been wonderful over the last few days and even though it does lift your spirits - mine still feel dampened. In fact everything does. I can't seem to get excited about anything and things that used to make me happy now just about get me through.

I was ahead with my OU stuff but I haven't been able to get my head around it recently - and haven't found any time - that I am now seriously close to being behind. I must spend some quality time on it tomorrow.....

So many friends have told me it takes years to get over this - can I cope being like this for years ? At the moment I feel like my body is just waiting to say 'ok enough already' and just give in on me.

I just don't believe it !

Today I had a missed call from my husband, so I texted and asked what he wanted. He wanted to call but I couldn't take a call so he eventually texted me to let me know that 'her' best friend had died. Whilst I wouldn't want this to happen to anyone,  my best friend died when he walked out the door :-( So what was the point of him telling me this - well apparently because she had unblocked me on facebook so I might see things being said about this. I asked why she had unblocked me (and my daughters too!) and he firstly said he didn't know and then he said because she felt bad about blocking me. How naive can he be - why would she want me to see what she is up to ? Only to cause more me distress isn't that being manipulative ? He also apparently has asked his mother if he can bring her around - that didn't go down too well - its only been three months and my in laws have been great to me. They are still my family..... and now this is something else she wants to take from me. Like I said before she wants my life and little by little she is nibbling away to get what she wants......

I am so very tired again and very behind with everything. I am emotionally empty as I am trying to keep as upbeat as possible for my daughters and need to be able to support them as they are also emotionally affected badly. It is now over three months since he left and the bulbs I planted have just come out during the nice weather. I would have liked that to have meant a new start for me but I'm still not ready for that :-(

What on earth is going on ??

Something strange is going on and I think the manipulating ***** is playing games. I used to be able to see her picture on fb, but never her wall. Then after the 'picture' episode she blocked me completely. Suddenly tonight I discover (accidentally) that I can now see her wall. I know for a fact that you have to actively unblock people - so she has unblocked me. This has to be deliberate and an attempt to cause upset all over again. She is not stupid as she claims she is and she is definatetly manipulative. I wonder what excuse she will use with my husband as to why this happened !!

I'm having a stressful time again - my daughters are stressing or are down due to various things and this isn't helping me at all. I am trying to keep them upbeat whilst keeping up with all the things I need to do. I am still behind on my OU and can't see a time at the moment when I can catch up. Its now 12:30 am and I desperately need some sleep.

Its been a while since I mentioned the forum man. We are still chatting but he is writing less often and less content. Maybe he has got bored....... he is currently out of action anyhow as he is having a hip replacement. Though he comes over as a very nice man - I don't think I would be interested. In fact I don't think I would ever marry again. My whole view on marriage has changed................... why would one bother when all it does is cause hurt ?

A better day ?

Feeling a little more positive today. However my husband and the manipulating ***** still pop into my mind at the most unexpected moments. People said I should stop contact with him as it would help me move on and I think they are right. I don't get so upset when I don't see or hear him. But that is really hard bacuase I still love him......

I'm still finding it hard to fit everything in to a day and end up getting to bed late - its making me so tired. My back is still bad and doesn't seem to be improving really. It gets ok for a day or two and then plays up again.

Both my daughters are going through down times this last week - not sure if that is purely hormonal or a bit of a late reaction to their dad leaving.

I'm starting to get things I wanted to get done ages ago done, such as having a big tree in the garden chopped down and some new bras ! Yes I used to spend so little money on myself - but now I have some pretty bras. Not that anyone is going to see them apart from me, but I feel nice wearing them :-)

I have a break over the Easter week and am trying to plan what I will do that week - definitely some sorting out in the house and garden I think :-)

Is this what being single is about ?

Oh boy - how tired am I ? I need to go to bed after writing this - its nearly 11:30pm. This weekend has been a good weekend but I haven't slept much due to getting into bed in the early hours of the morning on Sat and Sun and then being woken up by the cat by 8am. I also have eaten very badly and at strange times. Is this what happens when you are forced to be single ?

I was such a 'good' teenager and young adult and never really drank or stayed out - I think I am making up for not doing it in my younger years ! I feel very fortunate to have young friends who are happy to have me tag along with them.

It was mothers day today and my daughters bought me another charm to go on my pandora bracelet that they bought for me for Christmas. It is a very special bracelet to me.

I am still very behind with a number of things including my studying. I am determined not to let that fall by the wayside - I am so close to finishing I want to ensure that I do. I am still having problems with concentrating though and can't seem to settle to anything - that does worry me - I'm so distracted all the time. I frequently will start thinking about my husband, what he said, what I said, things that have happened and so on and it usually happens when I am trying to concentrate on something else.

A couple of people have told me that they are amazed that I have carried on doing various things and seem to be holding it together. I just think I am going through the motions whilst falling apart inside.

One of my friends was telling me about a man she knew who is a photographer and whose wife left him and took him to the cleaners. She then mentioned he was a millionaire. My daughter thinks I should ask her to introduce me to him !!!!! Well its an idea - lol ...

Good Friends :-)

I felt so down yesterday and wasn't going to go to karaoke but friends persuaded me to. I was so glad they did - they managed to lift my depression. But I got well and truly drunk and stayed out till 3pm - so out of character for me ! Despite not having a hangover I am really really tired today. Both my daughters were worried about me being out so late  one texted to say she couldn't sleep until I was back and the other called on the phone. My good friends who I was with assured them both they would look after me.

I once again discovered good friends and people who show they care. I reflected on those who really have looked after me and who continue to look out for me. Two of those are not particularly close friends - one at work and one related to the theatre stuff I do. Both of these ladies have been through a personal break up with their partners and know what I am going through. Both of them plus some other friends have said I need to get through this in my own time and no one should be telling me to 'move on'. The consensus seems to be I haven't hit rock bottom yet and I need to get there so I can get angry with my husband and then I'll be able to rebuild my life.

I emailed the vice chair of the governors and told her I am seriously thinking of resigning as a governor as I can't cope with all that is going on there along with having to live a single life and also with work.

Here's an interesting thing. In my temper a few days ago when I blocked my husband from facebook it wiped out that we were married. Anyhow I re friended him and put him back on as my husband. He needed  to confirm that and so I fully expected him not to  - but he did ! So now we are back on facebook as married............. what do I make of that ???