I've not had a chance to post anything for a few days and when I did try one evening the blogger was down so I couldn't. Over the last few days I've been thinking (dangerous thing!). Today is not a good day for me - feeling down, empty and sad. I had to drive 45 mins to a tutorial for my OU course and so had time to think in the car. On the way home I had to turn the music off as it was making me sad and I started to cry again and had an overwhelming feeling of hate for her and wanted so much to hurt her like she has hurt me.
At the moment both my daughters are going through a bad time and I've had to tend to their needs - so me time is out the window.
I've been thinking about why people commit suicide and I can so understand why they do. You get to a stage where your life feels empty with no obvious future - or you can't plan for any future. When you get that along with a feeling of desperation and sadness then it seems sensible that ending it all will get rid of the pain. I don't want to upset or panic anyone but if it wasn't for the fact my daughters still need me to support them....... I just hope my life has improved before they move on in their lives....
My youngest daughter was crying yesterday because she can't lose weight and it is so important for her, so I said I'd go to Weight Watchers with her if that would help. So I guess I'll be going to WW now..... another thing to fit into an already very busy life made up mostly of things I have to do rather than what I want to do or things for me. I need another break :-( Does that sound selfish ?
And just now I've spent an hour on the phone to my other daughter who was crying because she has a virus on her PC and she can't get onto the internet to do her exam prep work. I'll probably have to do more before it is sorted. Not easy to do via the phone - and she won't talk to her dad who could help her. As a consequence of this I now have not done the things I had planned to do.
Things at school are still rubbish and continuing and now I have another problem with the theatre group. I am music rep so have to decide and plan the musical shows. The MD for the next which we are due to start in June had decided to throw a wobbly and I now don't know if he is doing it or not. So now I am hunting for someone at short notice. I CAN SO DO WITHOUT ALL OF THIS CRAP!!!!!!
Hi,Slava
ReplyDeleteI thought I had left a couple of comments on your blog but they don't seem to be there but given the issues with Blogger over the past few days I guess it's not surprising.
Not much I can do to help but for the losing weight business. I have been having a problem with that for years (I know the LOVE OF MY LIFE upset me so there were times that I didn't eat) but the reason I have lost weight is quite simple. I have taken in less calories than I have used. I have been using MyFitnessPal. This app used my details to work out that I should have 1200 calories a day to get the weight loss that I wanted. You then just enter what you eat and it is so simple. The weight just comes off. You need to do it slowly though so you don't cause damage. http://www.myfitnesspal.com/
I don't actually bother recording now - just the awareness of the calories helps. It doesn't cost anything and you don't need an iphone/itouch/ipad you can record it online. Get her to have a look because even just doing something makes you feel better. It stops that helplessness feeling.
As for the computer virus I always go to MSE. I LOVE MSE - MoneySavingExpert. The people on that site are fantastic and they have an amazing group who help people who have viruses. You join the site, then post a question explaining what is wrong with the computer and they will tell you what free checkers you can download. You run these programmes and then you post the report produced by the programmes back to the forums and they tell you what is wrong and how to fix it. They have help me many times, they are just the best. Have a look at the Techie Stuff Board http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/forumdisplay.php?f=29
I don't know how you fit everything into your day, not to mention holding it together whilst all this is going on. I have felt like you many times - praying for death - but things do get better, not the same, but better. Time does heal. Believe me. I cried for 6 years over my first love. SIX years it took me to get over it but I did and I got something so much better. Give yourself time and keep posting to your blog to get it off your chest.
Sending you best wishes and happiness. Have a good sleep tonight - remember Gone with the Wind - tomorrow is another day.
Best Wishes
MDM
Hi MDM - I so appreciate your comments - thx xx
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