Its been over four months since my husband left me to live with the manipulating *****. So how have things changed and how am I feeling ? Well I'm still having bad dreams - last night I dreamt I saw them both in his car and she was smiling and waving to me - grrrr.
The only real routine I have at the moment is going to work and going to rehearsals. Outside of that I am totally unfocused and jump from one thing to the next. I am also not really focused on the show and just doing it without thinking - that is not good.
I am eating badly - hardly anything one day and then loads of rubbish the next. In fact my eating is probably worse than at the beginning. I am still sleeping badly and not getting enough of it - partly because I am out with friends till late at the weekend and partly because I am still trying to fit everything into a day and it doesn't fit, so I go to bed late and wake up early !
I still love him and miss him terribly and the hate and anger for her is still eating at me. I know that it does me no good - but I feel I have unfinished business with her and every time I stop to think about what she has done I get very angry inside. I still haven't seen them out together and still am dreading it.
I asked the girls today how they would feel if he came back - they said I shouldn't have him back and would feel awkward with him back in the house - I don't think he will come back but I do sometimes fantasize about what that would be like.
What do I miss most ? I miss his company, someone to talk to about my thoughts and things that have happened. I miss his usually sound and logical view of things. I miss his hugs and kisses. I miss having him beside me at night time. I miss the dog (sometimes). I miss walking the dog with him and chatting about things. I miss having family meals together. I miss him cooking for us. I miss watching a video together. I miss going out together. I miss his kindness and finding new things to make me happy.
What do I like ? My wonderful friends. Having a tidy house. Being able to live to a budget. When I'm out not having to worry about being back. Doing things on the spur of the moment with friends.
What do I hate ? HER. HER. HER. Being alone and very lonely sometimes. Not being able to plan a future. Being emotionally fragile. Not being a couple. Having to do things and make decisions on my own.
Overall after four months I am still hurting loads and hate being in this situation. Do I feel like I have moved on at all ? Sometimes I feel I have made some baby steps forward and then something happens to take me all the way back. A long way to go still I think :-(
I really feel for you and understand the emotions you are going through completely :-(
ReplyDeleteKeep going - you'll get there in the end. Take one day at a time. If you really feel he is being manipulated and not acting as you would expect then may be keep a door open for him in case he needs support. I know that might sound difficult (or stupid even to some people) but if he was your best friend and is being manipulated (there are women out there that love to play that game) then you should be there for him. He could be just as much a victim in this as you. Only you will know though whether he is acting out of character. I had a colleague whose husband suddenly went off with another women. Well it didn't make sense to me from the little she had told me about him. I said to her at the time - be very careful because it sounds to me like he is behaving very out of character. Yes, she said that's what I can't understand, no one can understand it. I also told her that I have known women that do like to play such games and usually but not always once they have won the game they get bored pretty quickly. I said if he really is your best friend, I know he has hurt you very badly, but be there for him in case he is getting himself into something that he is not really aware off. I am pleased to say she was there for him and supportive of him and they are now back together. He cannot for the life of him understand how it happened and how he was so manipulated. They did have a few problems with the woman later trying to cause trouble but she got bored eventually and thankfully, (but sadly) moved on to the next target. I hope I am not causing upset writing this just made me feel that you thought it was out of character.
Run some scenario's in your head for how you want to react when you do finally bump into them. Although I guess the stress and sickness that you will feel will not be good for you. I have been in this situation in the past and the sickening feeling in the stomach when you see them together is almost unbearable. Being prepared may make it easier?
Thank you so much for your comment, encouraging words and suggestions. I really appreciate that you took the time to post something. He is behaving uncharacteristicaly and I do think he is being manipulated but he can't see it. Only time will tell how this will unfold. I am still talking to him but mostly by text as I get too upset when I see or hear him.
ReplyDeleteAs hard and as daft as this sounds. Just show him the love you feel in your heart. I had an ex once who split up with me and I thought I'm not going to allow myself to get all bitter and nasty I'm just going to show him my love. We ended up getting back together although he didn't end up being 'The one' but that's another story. The thing is you are then true to yourself if he doesn't respond that's his choice but at least you can feel you were honest with your feeling, no regrets. You have to do what YOU feel in your heart though as you'll have lots of people telling what you should do and shouldn't do (sorry for adding to that) but you have to do what YOU feel as it is you that has to live with the consequences. I think one of the worse things is behaving in a way that other people expect/want you to and then you losing someone you love. You'll always wonder if the way you behaved made a difference and if you didn't behave true to your owns feelings you may regret it. I hope that is making sense? The other benefit is that it then makes it very difficult for the other woman to criticise you and if she does he may end up jumping to your defence. Might make it easier for him to sort things out in his head. There again what the h'll do I know given the mess I have made of things. :-(
ReplyDeleteAll very sensible comments - thanks :-) x
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