A lie in at last !

Today was the first time in months that I managed to get a lie in. I woke up at around 9:30, fed the cats, made me some breakfast and then sat in bed to eat it whilst catching up on my OU reading till around 12. It felt so decadent but I really enjoyed it. Of course it would have been much nicer if there had been someone to bring me breakfast in bed ;-)

I sent an email to my vicar today to let him know I won't be back in the near term and to say my faith had gone. I don't know if I will ever get it back.

This evening I took both my daughters and their respective boyfriends out for a meal. To celebrate two birthdays and two completion of degrees (lets hope they both pass !). It was lovely being out with them all - but I did feel a bit lonely not having a partner too. Will I ever feel ok being a sole agent ? I do feel like I don't belong any more especially with my friends who have partners.

I've decided to start a list of all the things I want to do that I haven't yet done. Such as events, places to visit, holidays and other things. Then I'll have to plan working through the list. At least that will give me some things to look forward to :-)

I felt nothing

It is Sunday evening and I am exhausted. We had the after show party last night and I didn't get to bed till 4am. The trouble is I never am able to lie in - I seem to wake up around 8am and then the cats bother me and then I end up being awake. To top it all my throat is sore again - had this for weeks :-(

I've been eating so badly this week so I made myself a lovely quorn spaghetti bolognase - it was yummy. I did however eat very late .....

Both the girls are back now, but I am on my own again tonight as they are sleeping at their respective boyfriends houses. I have a pile of washing and ironing to do that they kindly provided !

Its been an eventful few days on top of the show.

My husband came to see the show on Thursday evening and waited to speak to me afterwards. I felt very awkward talking with him in public and left as soon as he had finished giving me his crit. I didn't want to be there in case I cried in front of everyone. I did get emotional but when I was talking to him I saw a different person there and I felt nothing. The emotion came as I left. What does that mean ?
I've been contemplating taking my wedding ring off - but I am scare to do it - no idea why - subconsciously I guess I think that as long as I am married then I should leave the ring on as it keeps that link with him. But then I feel cross and want to take it off. So many many conflicting emotions. Should I take it off or leave it on ????????

I've noticed that some of his friends through his Hypnotherapy have become friends with the manipulating *****. This is irrational but I am so scared that everyone will love her and want to be friends with her and that she will take all my friends away.

On Friday my daughter at uni finished her last exam. She was feeling much more positive which was great. She told me that she will probably contact my husband to see him as she kind of missed him. I suggested she took her sister along, but she said she won't go as she is an 'angry kid'.

So I asked my other daughter and she said no she didn't want to speak to him......

On Saturday I had asked my husband to feed the cats as I couldn't get back from the theatre - he said yes he would. Anyhow I pop back to change quickly at the end of the evening and he hadn't been in to feed the cats. He did apologise once I had texted him thanks for feeding them ! I pointed out to him that his new 'family' are now taking priority and this was just one example where he couldn't even remember to come and feed the cats. He's been trying to ring me all day and eventually left a voice message claiming he simply forgot. He probably did - but it'll be because he was concentrating on other things - probably sex with her.

I'm still not getting on with my OU - its not looking good :-( I can't give up doing this - she will have won.........

The MD of the show has been an angel to me - she, having been through a break up herself a number of years ago keeps telling me how wonderful I am - trying to keep my self esteem up - she is such a wonderful person herself - I do believe she is a guardian angel. So giving and full of life and fun. I would love to be able half of what she is. I don't believe in myself - yes everyone says I am strong and will get through it - but sometimes I want to be looked after and not have to think about things. Guess that will never happen especially having the girls to look after - I can't rely on him at all anymore.

Feeling sad today

I don't know why but I feel sad today. I'm not really enjoying doing the show, I'm just going through the motions :-(

I realised that I have turned into a miserable, negative, not fun to be with person. I used to be so positive and able to see a way forward out of every situation. I hate being like this and I need to give myself a kick up the backside but I don't know how. I apologise to all my friends for being like this. I feel so lost.

Again someone told me that I will be grateful that he did this to me in the fullness of time and that I will be happier eventually. How ? I don't know what I want anymore and don't feel I have anyone to talk to about it. I can be with lots of people but still feel lonely inside - that so sucks. :-(

Lol what on earth !!!

Slava, we believe God wants you to know ... that it's time you cleansed yourself with laughter and with tears.
	Let tears take out all the agony that is hidden inside you, and let laughter ignite your contagious joy.

I've certainly been doing the tears part for sometime now.........

I tried again today to hate him for doing this to me - I still can't but everytime I think of what the manipulating ***** has done to me I can feel the anger well up in me.

Feeling pretty alone at the moment..........even though I am with people during the day and the evening - inside I am very very alone :-(

Why was he so weak ??? Is there a life beyond this for me ??? Will I ever fine true happiness again ???

Home Alone

Well - I'm completely on my own now for the next week. The saving grace is that I am at work during the day and on stage most of the evening. I wonder how I am going to feel walking into an empty house for a number of days, I don't have a good feeling about it already especially as tomorrow we have some organisational announcements at work. I may not be happy at the outcome of that :-( As it is I had the day planned off work to go and help get in at the theatre - now I have to spend three hours on the phone in the car in the afternoon.

This morning I thought I would put my ipod touch into shuffle to listen to whilst in the bath - why is it when you are on your own the majority of the songs end up being ones that 'hurt' ? All love songs or ones about needing someone such as 'bridge over troubled water'. I felt so sad by the time I got out of the bath.

I am very tired only having about four and half hours sleep the last two nights due to staying out with friends on Fri/Sat and then dropping my daughter, her boyfriend and his parents at the airport in the early hours of Sun morning. On Sat I didn't get in until about 4:30 am - I have never been out that late leaving as dawn was starting to come up. The sky was light and the birds had started singing - it was lovely - but I am now suffering :-(

My daughter at uni has one exam left to do and she is struggling with the revision so I have been trying to help her by discussing through the things she is learning - I hope it helps. She was sobbing again on Saturday (not good when you are tired yourself). But this evening she seems to have managed to complete one essay and now has three more to do. Its going to be difficult to help during the day or evening this week. So I guess it'll be late nights for me as she will probably want to talk when I get back from the theatre.

My husband came around to drop a card and some money for my other daughter to take on holiday as it is her 19th birthday while she is away. He asked about them and when I mentioned that the one at uni had completed three exams and only had one left he started to cry - he asked why I hadn't told him as he wanted to text her good luck. So once again I felt guilty because I hadn't thought to say anything. Is it my fault ? I didn't deliberately set out not to say anything - he knew she had gone back to do exams - I can't do anything right <sob>.  I'm not looking forward to Fathers day, as I don't think the girls will want to send him a card.

Before my daughter left she gave me a  Good Luck card for next week - so thoughtful :-)

So this is what I got on facebook today :

God wants you to know ... that your unspoken prayers will be answered.
	Yes, God knows you, God hears you, God loves you, God is there for you. You are blessed.

He has got to be joking !! He may know me but he is not hearing and has not answered any prayers - quite the opposite :-(

Why do I feel guilty ?

I've been doing more thinking in the car when driving - always a bad thing ! I'm trying to understand why I can't get angry with my husband. I'm told I need to do this to enable me to move on but I can't. I feel guilty as if I have done something wrong. My husband is not being horrible to me (apart from the obvious) and is also being very reasonable and understanding - and I love him still. So if people are right how do I move on ? In my heart I am still hoping he will come back. In my head I don't think he will. So what do I do ?

I'm alone at home tonight and will be alone every night from Sunday for a week as both daughters are away - I'm not too good when on my own :-( At least I am at work and during the day and on stage in the evening.

My daughter commented today that she would love to know what the manipulating ****'s children feel about their dad moving out and a new man moving in. It is obviously on her mind.

I went to visit my mother and sister in law today and am so grateful at how supportive they are to the girls and me. My sister in law doesn't want to meet the manipulating ***** and says my husband is no brother to her anymore. My mother in law acknowledges that she will have to meet the manipulating ***** at some point but says it is still too early. I got thinking about Christmas and wondered what that will be like this year. I'm feeling low again, am tired and have had a sore throat now for nearly two weeks. The only thing that seems to be going OK is work - though it is probably a bit too busy - and having good friends. Otherwise my personal life, school governors, the theatre group and trying to study is all rubbish at the moment. And even though the girls are both over 18 they still need my support - as they don't want their dad - I am now in theory a single mum.

I've also been thinking about the time between him first seeing her until late last year. As I recall more and more things that we have done such as holidays and certain discussions I now can see that he was distracted and no longer in our relationship. What really hurt me just before he said he was leaving was the fact that he said he couldn't kiss me on the lips. He is an actor and has done that on stage with other women - but he couldn't do it to someone he says he loves, has been married to for over 28 years and had two lovely daughters with. As I write this the hate for her is welling up in me again and the tears start to flow :-(

Ramblings

I've not had a chance to post anything for a few days and when I did try one evening the blogger was down so I couldn't. Over the last few days I've been thinking  (dangerous thing!). Today is not a good day for me - feeling down, empty and sad. I had to drive 45 mins to a tutorial for my OU course and so had time to think in the car. On the way home I had to turn the music off as it was making me sad and I started to cry again and had an overwhelming feeling of hate for her and wanted so much to hurt her like she has hurt me.

At the moment both my daughters are going through a bad time and I've had to tend to their needs - so me time is out the window.

I've been thinking about why people commit suicide and I can so understand why they do. You get to a stage where your life feels empty with no obvious future - or you can't plan for any future. When you get that along with a feeling of desperation and sadness then it seems sensible that ending it all will get rid of the pain. I don't want to upset or panic anyone but if it wasn't for the fact my daughters still need me to support them....... I just hope my life has improved before they move on in their lives....

My youngest daughter was crying yesterday because she can't lose weight and it is so important for her, so I said I'd go to Weight Watchers with her if that would help. So I guess I'll be going to WW now..... another thing to fit into an already very busy life made up mostly of things I have to do rather than what I want to do or things for me. I need another break :-( Does that sound selfish ?

And just now I've spent an hour on the phone to my other daughter who was crying because she has a virus on her PC and she can't get onto the internet to do her exam prep work. I'll  probably have to do more before it is sorted. Not easy to do via the phone - and she won't talk to her dad who could help her. As a consequence of this I now have not done the things I had planned to do.

Things at school are still rubbish and continuing and now I have another problem with the theatre group. I am music rep so have to decide and plan the musical shows. The MD for the next which we are due to start in June had decided to throw a wobbly and I now don't know if he is doing it or not. So now I am hunting for someone at short notice. I CAN SO DO WITHOUT ALL OF THIS CRAP!!!!!!

I must be going mad :-(

Well I think I am finally going mad. I've started talking to the cat ! I think because she is there all the time and sometimes she is the only one around to talk to :-(

I went to the doctors today for a blood pressure check and because I have had a sore throat for a week. Surprisingly the blood pressure was ok. I told the doctor that my husband had left me. She said something about men of "that age" that turns them stupid. I definitely spiralling into a down phase again. Not eating properly or sleeping well. One day this will stop - I hope......

My daughter has gone back to uni for her final exams - 17 days and then she will be back. Yesterday she sat on her bedroom floor and cried her eyes out saying she didn't want to go back because she gets homesick. My other daughter tried to cheer her up and I sat on the floor with her hugging her. I realised then how much this has affected them both and still is. How could two human beings one being their father do this to two beautiful young girls ? I hate her so much for that and can't understand why he thought they wouldn't be affected. I can feel the anger welling up in me - not good......

One step forward and two back

Well my husband texted me today to let me know that he has been kept in his job after his probationary period. That is great for him. And apparently she has signed on !

I had a bit of a tear today as someone put a lovely helpful comment on my blog - it is so nice to know that someone out there is reading this and can empathise through experience - though I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I happened to mention that I had a blog to one of my friends and then couldn't say anymore as I got very emotional.

Yesterday I was in the park where they walk the dogs for a photo shoot for the show I am doing. I was really worried that I would see them and was nervously looking around all the time. I also just realised that I am avoiding very public places where I may see them such as in the town centre and Sainsburys. So once again the manipulating ***** has managed to affect me in other ways. I go to work, the theatre group, the school, home and various pubs with friends and outside of that I don't go anywhere.

Its definitely still one step forward and two back at the moment. I'm looking forward to when it can be reversed and then eventually all forward...............

Four months now

Its been over four months since my husband left me to live with the manipulating *****. So how have things changed and how am I feeling ? Well I'm still having bad dreams - last night I dreamt I saw them both in his car and she was smiling and waving to me - grrrr.

The only real routine I have at the moment is going to work and going to rehearsals. Outside of that I am totally unfocused and jump from one thing to the next. I am also not really focused on the show and just doing it without thinking - that is not good.

I am eating badly - hardly anything one day and then loads of rubbish the next. In fact my eating is probably worse than at the beginning. I am still sleeping badly and not getting enough of it - partly because I am out with friends till late at the weekend and partly because I am still trying to fit everything into a day and it doesn't fit, so I go to bed late and wake up early !

I still love him and miss him terribly and the hate and anger for her is still eating at me. I know that it does me no good - but I feel I have unfinished business with her and every time I stop to think about what she has done I get very angry inside. I still haven't seen them out together and still am dreading it.    

I asked the girls today how they would feel if he came back - they said I shouldn't have him back and would feel awkward with him back in the house - I don't think he will come back but I do sometimes fantasize about what that would be like.

What do I miss most ? I miss his company, someone to talk to about my thoughts and things that have happened. I miss his usually sound and logical view of things. I miss his hugs and kisses. I miss having him beside me at night time. I miss the dog (sometimes). I miss walking the dog with him and chatting about things. I miss having family meals together. I miss him cooking for us. I miss watching a video together. I miss going out together. I miss his kindness and finding new things to make me happy.

What do I like ? My wonderful friends. Having a tidy house. Being able to live to a budget. When I'm out not having to worry about being back. Doing things on the spur of the moment with friends.

What do I hate ? HER. HER. HER.  Being alone and very lonely sometimes. Not being able to plan a future. Being emotionally fragile. Not being a couple. Having to do things and make decisions on my own.

Overall after four months I am still hurting loads and hate being in this situation. Do I feel like I have moved on at all ? Sometimes I feel I have made some baby steps forward and then something happens to take me all the way back. A long way to go still I think :-(

My confidence has gone

I was reflecting today on how I have changed since the beginning of January. My confidence has gone, I seem incapable of doing anything, my mind is permanently fuddled, I struggle to focus on one thing at a time, emotionally I am a wreck. Things that I would have just done seem to now be hard to do - or I can't be bothered. I'm not eating properly - either I don't eat or I eat rubbish. I live from day to day and struggle to plan anything in advance. I wonder how long it will take to regain any of my former self back again ? From talking with others who have been through breakups like this - it seems that it will be years....... the only good things at the moment are that I have two wonderful daughters, wonderful friends and a job that helps to take my mind off things.

More Positive

I feel a little more positive about things today. My fantastic friends came around and helped with sorting out my garden in return for food. Even though it was hard work - we did lots and had a lovely day together. Its great to have such caring friends. I never thought anyone would do something like that for me.....

My husband is still texting me - the girls are still not talking to him. I do still love him and miss him - BUT I'm starting to get used to living alone - most of the time. I do miss the companionship and someone to talk to. The house is tidier and we are going to party party in the garden more :-) Whilst that all seems fun at the moment I do wonder if it will wear off eventually ?