Feeling Low

I can't explain it but I am feeling really low again and close to tears all the time. It started suddenly last night and has been with me all day. I don't understand why ? I just want to be alone and to curl up and ....... could it be that I am depressed ? I'm sure people must think I am being odd especially as it has been nearly eight months since he left me. My friends as usual have been lovely and caring but can't be there all the time - and I don't expect them to be. I think today has been confounded with my daughter splitting up with her boyfriend of over 18 months. She is sad and crying and doesn't know what she wants to do. Makes it hard as I have to be positive and strong for her which is not easy when I am feeling like this.

Most folk around me seem to be doing fun things, going to places and so on with partners and family - I don't feel I have anyone to do that with. I think I am looking forward to my week away in Santorini with my friend - but only think.... I need a break from everything but am not sure whether that will do it for me or not.

Work is manic and unreasonable at the moment and that probably doesn't help.

I don't want to have to think or make decisions.

I feel like I don't belong anymore.

Schizophrenia

I've been away all week at my OU residential. It was a very busy week being hard at work all week. The course director told us that we did in a week what a full time student would do in a term. I had hoped I would have some time to reflect on things. I did go to Brighton for the afternoon we had off and wandered around on my own (sleeping on the beach which is stony for an hour!). I actually felt quite lonely. I also can't decide whether I enjoy mad evenings out or relaxing quietly. I think I am changing but very slowly - I need to find the real me as I have been one of two for so long. Which is the real me ??

I keep looking at my bare hands with no ring - it looks so wrong and odd. I had another cry in the car on the way back from Brighton - I still love and miss him :-(

The one thing I did discover when talking with others - many of them had split up from their husbands (mostly due to the men having the affairs) and some were on second marriages. Some of them had been through really rough situations.  It made me realise that I have been so lucky to have been married for so long to a really wonderful man and my life until this year has been relatively stable - yes I've had ups and downs, the deaths of my mum and dad and so on, but with him there supporting me and me him, it has always been possible to work through them. I have no one to do that with now and that is a big gap for me. That makes me more cross with the manipulating ***** for stealing what I had. Is it possible that there is someone out there who could be better ?

I've had no text from him since I responded to his one on Sunday asking why he would send such a text especially as I had been trying hard not to think about it.

The other thing I've realised is that at the moment I can't make any decisions for myself. I am going with the flow and what others do or want to do. I can't seem to commit one way or another without someone else's input. So not like me. I'd like to be like a caterpillar and turn into a chrysalis for a while then wake up as a butterfly that is confident and sure and can soar away determined.

It would have been 29 years today

Today was my husband and my 29th wedding anniversary :-( I have been deliverately trying not to think about it and guess what  - he sends me a text saying 'Just wanted you to know that I haven't forgotten what today is. Thinking about you loads and hoping you have a reasonable day. x'. What am I supposed to make of that ? If nothing else it brought it to my mind and made me shed a tear.

As I look around at the folk at my course and look at myself, I feel very sad - I don't think anyone would want a fat old bird like me. I feel so uncomfortable being 'available'. I wouldn't know what to do. Looks like I will end up being a miserable old woman as I have no reason to be otherwise.

Manic week

What a week this has been. I went out to the us on business for a whirlwind three days with the new boss and team I will be working with. I am overwhelmed at the amount of work I have at the moment trying to do two roles until I can hand my old one over. Then I arrived back in the uk at 11:45am to go into meetings until 6pm. We then drove up to nottingham at 10:30pm so we would be there for my daughters graduation on Friday morning. I got to bed at 1am :-( And now I am writing this from the university of Sussex in Brighton because I am here for an ou residential course.

I felt very odd when socialising in the us as everyone was talking about their husbands or wives - I didn't know what to say. Do I say my husband or the man that is my husband but left me for another woman or ?? He isn't an ex as we are still married. Answers on a postcard please! He came to the graduation which I am glad about for my daughter. But the other daughter didn't talk to him at all. It was a lively day but as I sat next to him little things started to irritate me. Like the way he didn't clap properly. These normally wouldnt bothere. What does that mean ?

I am so jet lagged. Driving so much has been quite dangerous as I was dozing at the wheel a couple of times - so scary :-(

Well well see what this week brings. I did have loads of time to think while driving and went through loads of emotions. I had a cry, got cross at him and decided that life is so short and I'm no spring chicken so inmeed to try and do things I want to and enjoy life. Just wish I had someone to enjoy it with.

Such a rubbish few days

The exciting wild Friday and Saturday nights seem to have cooled off - shame as I miss having fun on a Friday night. Loads of my friends have found happiness or new things to keep them busy. I guess everything changes at some point - its just a bit sooner than I would have liked. I went to the wedding on Saturday and a couple of my lovely friends were just that - lovely :-) However I had tears and really didn't feel like partying.

Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday I felt quite lonely again as I was on my own for quite a bit of it - and when not physically alone I still felt alone.

Work is manic and at school today doing my governors duties I was verbally attacked by a couple of people - I really really can do without that. Whilst I am so sad at giving up my governorship it is the right decision at the moment.

I came home to feathers all over the place. Once again one of the cats must have had a bird - but no bird in sight so I assume she had eaten it - feet and all !

The TV is now working having been the wall socket blown by the lightening. The technician from the insurance who came on Saturday put his report in and I now have a new amp and TV for my daughter arriving at some point.

Thankfully my nails seem to be growing again and the skin problem is starting to get better.

I'm due to have a busy couple of weeks with a business trip to the US and then my OU residential for a week. Oh and in the middle we have my daughters graduation. My husband is coming to that, so we'll see .......

I'm supposed to be going to a friends birthday party on Saturday and I really want to go but I don't want to drive as I'd like a drink. I have no idea if anyone else is going and driving. I had hoped a few of us may share a taxi there and back to make it cost efficient - but ho hum - I may have to give it a miss. I guess it is probably not a good idea to get drunk the night before you are due to go on a 7.5hr plane trip.

I'm still adding to my list of things I want to do - but at the moment can't see me doing many of them as they need a companion :-(

I just want someone to love me and be there for me :-(

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ApstMKNEMI

Home Alone again

Here I am on a Friday night all alone. Both the girls are out and my friends didn't want to do anything tonight. I'm feeling rather down again and I guess its because I only have myself and my thoughts which always lead to the same thing - why ?

On Wednesday I was asked by someone if my husband and my relationship had got that bad that he left. This is something I dreaded that people would think - that I am to blame - and here we are someone thinks that. They won't be the only one <sob>.

Also as I wasn't going out I popped out to get chips and bumped into someone from church who I know has been around my husband and the manipulating *****'s place. I could tell he felt very awkward about bumping into me and didn't know what to say. I guess now I'm not at church they don't normally see me - they have never been in touch since he left.

I HATE my husband for this - people think I am to blame for the break up.

I'm supposed to be going to a wedding reception tomorrow evening - don't think I will be now - I can't face people.

Six months Schizophrenia

I will never accept my husband leaving me but I will learn to manage it - eventually. At the moment I feel schizophrenic - being happy one day feeling like I can move on and then falling to pieces the next. I've been trying to work out what triggers the down days. Sometimes it is him coming around, sometimes it is a text, sometimes it is memories of our times together which could be linked to anything - people, things, sounds, dates etc.

I'm starting to get used to being on my own at home sometimes - but I do miss cuddles, kisses and someone to talk to about my day and to bounce thoughts off of. I can have a great conversation with one of my daughters but I don't want to burden her with some things.

Its been six months since he left now - have I moved on - a tiny bit, but I have a long way to go still.

And downward we go again :-(

I've had a flurry of texts for my husband today in response to a fb status I put up regarding the manipulating ***** conducting conversations on fb with mutual friends which just again were very insensitive,

Either my husband is in denial or he has been lying to me.

He told me that she started the affair on fb by coming on to him. If she hadn’t done that would he have gone looking for someone ? I’m assuming not in which case she manipulated it and broke up our marriage. He told me she told him that she had fancied him for years – seems to me like she decided to go for him as her marriage was unhappy – she manipulated it. She knew that we were in a happy marriage – or has he been lying to me and was not happy. If that is the case – why didn’t he talk to me about it so we could have sorted it out. He knows I would have supported him in anything – I loved him that much.

He doesn't want me to talk with her is that because something will come out that he doesn't want me to hear – either lies he has been telling her or things he should have been honest with me about. I would welcome that discussion with her but can’t predict what my reaction might be. She needs to understand what she has done and not keep expecting him to take the blame evenly. If he has been honest with me, yes he has done a bad thing but she has done 100 times worse.

I hate the way he sides with her every time – even against our own daughter – that is despicable. Our daughter is hurting so much and she is so angry with him. He expects her to make the first move. She will not. He has to make the effort and will have to work  hard to get her back on side. At the moment I don’t see him trying – she is always in the wrong in his eyes and HER kids seem to be more important to him now. What kind of a father would do that to his own daughter ?

I have lost all my confidence and have a bad self image and probably will lose my friends as a consequence of that. The stress is coming out – can’t wait to see what my body is going to do next....

I’m now also remembering all kinds of things that should have been signs to me that he was having an affair. I was so blind – I trusted him totally with everything and he betrayed that trust. I will never be able to trust anyone again – thanks for that husband.

I will never ever say a good word about her, I will make it perfectly clear to everyone what she has done – after ruining my life and those of our daughters it is the only thing I have left to me.

Thinking is a dangerous thing !

I've had a lovely couple of evenings chilling with friends (and drinking too much again!). This got me thinking about my life to now, recently and in the future. One of the things that I did a little self exploration about was how my life has been very planned (apart from unforeseen circumstances) and less spontaneous. I have always thought of myself as being an organised and planned person and find it hard when things are done in the moment rather than being previously planned. I've enjoyed some of the spontaneity that has happened recently - so wondered why. I think that during our lives we have responsibilities and many of these need planning and organisation - such as work, children etc.etc. On top of that I have always engaged in activities that needed me to be organised and that with having lots to do meant I had to work in this way. So how do I move forward. I think that I need a bit of both in my life now. Time just to be and just to do on the spur of the moment. However to do that I need to have less in my life to organise. With the girls getting older they need less of my time - I have no husband or partner to have to worry about and with giving up church and school governors - maybe I can get to a situation soon where I can just chill at times or go out for coffee with someone and so on.

I've also decided that when I've finished my OU degree (a couple of years yet), I want to take up my photography again and just go out and take photos.

The other thing that has got me thinking is about sex. I had an interesting conversation with my friends on how people perceive sex - should it be linked to love or considered just an enjoyable act like having a drink or going to the cinema. I don't know anymore. I can see both points of view. Maybe the first is important when you are going into a relationship with someone and want to commit and the second if you are not. This is something I need to think a bit more on. The first was drummed into me at school and by my mum - but maybe its time to think again .......

At the moment I still feel numb and am in fact starting to feel a little cross with my husband for putting me through the last six months. I still hate the manipulating ***** with a vengeance and just wish I could find some way for her to regret what she has done. But as I won't do anything I have to rely on karma to do it for me.

I follow another blog called 'Me Discovering Me'. I so feel for the lady and wish I could give her a hug as she is going through so many of the same emotions as me. MDM if you read this a big <hug> from me x

He's having a laugh!

On this day of your life, Slava, we believe God wants you to know ... that contentment comes from unconditional love.
	When you love conditionally, you have to keep deciding if the other is worthy of your love. You can never let go of your guard enough to be content. Why not decide once and for all, and love once and for all. And be content.

Ha ! I did and see what happened ............ I am not contented anymore .

However two of my wonderful friends have managed to get the TV in the living room working again using different cables :-) Thanks guys - you know who you are xx  Now I need to wait for the technician to come from the insurance to assess it - a whole week and they won't replace my daughters TV until that is done as it is one claim - so she is not happy :-( She did however manage to get one days work as silver service maitress and has been 'selected' to do another day for someone's 70th birthday. They selected only the pretty ones and they have to wear denim hot pants and flip flops!!!!!!

I'm sitting here on my own as both daughtes have gone out and I'm waiting to find out what if anything we are doing tonight. Its drinking night :-D



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