Time to delete him from Facebook

Well here we are a week before my youngest daughter goes to university. She is so excited :-) Today she went for a drink with her father before she leaves. He confirmed the 'engagement' and doing it in October - I'm guessing for her birthday (50th I think) which is in October. If so again very thoughtless as we got engaged on my 21st birthday. Apparently they plan to get married in four years time. I think I have decided to unfriend him on Facebook now. I don't think I can bear to see the 'announcement' on there. Why does this all make me so sad and tearful after nearly four years ?

I am once again feeling very left out and alone - friends have their lives to live and have their own needs and problems. I fear that I will be finding myself very alone in the coming months :-(

My daughters and I had a lovely day yesterday at a spa as a treat - I enjoyed that :-)

Marriage

It's been nearly three months since I wrote and I'm am towards the end of a lovely week away with good friends, I'm still a bit in limbo land ......

I have a new set of projects at work which I am sort of enjoying - it's been a long time!

Recently my youngest daughter was quite upset at seeing that her dad had taken the manipulating b****** youngest son to see Eminem at Wembley. These tickets are £80+ a ticket and he gave her £20 for her recent birthday. She said it made her feel like she was now a lower priority. I approached him about this and he had the nerve to get cross !! He said the girls make No effort to keep in touch with him.... I pointed out it was him who left us not the other way around. He tried calling me at work to have a go and then called both the girls one who was on holiday in Croatia.  My youngest told him how it made her feel so they agreed to catch up more often.

So here I am on holiday and I get these texts from the girls asking when I'll be back exactly and then told by my youngest that she needs to talk to me as soon as I get back. After a few texts back and forth I'm getting worried about what.... I suddenly thought - I bet he's getting re married. Anyhow my daughter eventually calls to tell me that he is planning to get engaged at the end of the year and he was not going to mention it to me, which I guess he doesn't have to. However he left it to our daughter to decide whether to tell me or not. I'm so cross - how dare he leave that responsibility with her, what a coward !! She tells me that she and my other daughter don't approve and that it's too early. They support me and won't go to any wedding. I'm so sad and so cross all mixed up together. The only thankful thing is my daughter asked about the name as we have a hyphenated name made up of mine and his . My dad would turn in his grave to have HER take on his name. My ex husband said he will go back to his maiden name. At least he has the decency to do that as he knows how upset that would make me. I knew as soon as I heard her husband had finally agreed to divorce that they would plan to marry soon after. This is completely coming from her - more manipulation - it's all she ever wanted. I hate her so much - I hope karma will come and she will suffer badly one day to make up for her scheming nasty manipualitive being.

My lovely friends took me out for a drink and I got drunk for the first time in ages.

Otherwise not much has happened for me. I am still surviving and ambling along best I can.

May 2014

So here we are nearly in the middle of May 2014. My husband left me for the manipulating ***** three years and four months ago. I am still taking two steps forward and one big one back everyday. Whilst I try and live life to the full, I still miss him and resent her. I still sleep on my side of our king size bed and have only recently bought a new eiderdown to replace the one we had for years.

I still don't know what  my future holds or where I am going - confusion and uncertainty reign. The thing I am most not looking forward to now is my youngest daughter leaving to go to university. I am so pleased for her and hope it takes her to where she wants to go in her life, but I will miss our regular chats and her very sensible logical thinking.

I am Most definitely menopausal now as I am getting a number of the symptoms. Whilst I don't get moody I do find I am getting down for no apparent reason. I started to think a lot about how I feel the way I have been and why people commit suicide and came to the conclusion it is down to two things : not feeling wanted or belonging and hope. When I feel particularly down it is because these are both absent. I can imagine if you have neither for a prolonged time you would see no point in living.

Some good things.....I have maintained my target weight loss, I formally graduate at the end of this month, I enjoy my walking, I potentially have a holiday arranged with good friends  but I still do not have anything new to do at work so am just about to start twiddling my fingers and right now I have a rotten cold and I have a show next week.....could be worse I guess. Well my ex husband is coming to see the show with HER. Not sure how that will affect me as I'm sure I will spot them in the audience :-(

Three years and three months

Its been nearly three years and three months since my husband left. I feel I am taking two steps forward and one back. I did start a Happy Jar in January to capture good things to look back on.

There are good changes and things but also emotionally I'm still not right. Over the last few weeks I have felt very down most of the time. I can't put my finger on why apart from work perhaps.

Things haven't changed much since I last wrote except that my programme manager has got a new job and is moving off next week. This has meant that I will be closing my programme down sooner rather than later and passing half of the work off to other folk. I really hate going into the office now preferring to work from home, but I can't do that all the time. I long for my weekends now and hate it when Sunday evening comes around.

I have been asked to follow up a possible opportunity with someone whom I am talking to next week. I get the sense they don't really know what to do with me. That doesn't make me feel good. I spoke with my SVP about how I feel and all he could say was 'I don't know what to do'. I explained my concern about the individuals who have influence over my career and he said he would watch out for that bad behaviour. I do trust he will, but what to do if they haven't a role for me. Redundancy is very appealing especially as I recently have had three head hunters contact me. I don't expect anything will come from them, but interesting that they thought I had valuable experience. I really need to decide what I want to do as I have so much going around and around my head.I think I fancy moving into a portfolio of roles so that I can also do some of the things I really enjoy.

My youngest daughter has decided to go into Nursing and was offered an interview at all five universities she applied to. She didn't go o one as she already had four offers. She has decided to go to a university in London and plans to live there which means she will be moving out in September. I am very proud of her as she has been offered a place at Kings College London. However I will miss her terribly. My older daughter whilst still living at home spends most of her weekends and the odd evening at her boyfriends so I will be on my own even more.

I have over the last few weeks had three men individually tell me I look younger than my years by about 10 years. That is nice to be told.

In January I joined a walking group and really enjoy walking as I meet new people, get some exercise and it gives me a chance to take photographs. I've also started courses on a freebie site called FutureLearn. So far I have down one on Forensic Science, Cancer and Branding. The branding one was fascinating. One of the things it discussed was about branding yourself. I will have a go at that to help me decide what to do.

My husband is still being 'nice' to me though he doesn't really contact me very much. The latest is he complained about two mobile insurances that have been taken from my account monthly for years after the phones were no longer in use. They were both in his name. His last letter of complaint has led to them promising to send two cheques for the over payment plus interest. It really confuses me when he does things like this..... he also asked me not to pay him £2000 of the money I owe him and to keep that by for the girls when they get married as a gift from him. He wanted me to do that as he knows he won't be able to save the money.

I'm still trying to decide what to do for holiday this year. I have a weekend planned with my good friends in Spain, a visit to the Edinburgh fringe to see the youth group at my theatre club perform and to enjoy some more productions. The nice thing is my younger daughter and boyfriend are coming with me. And then I have a wedding in Stratford upon Avon. I've taken the opportunity to spend a couple of extra days to visit the area. However I want to go abroad somewhere different too.

Today was mothers day and I was on my own for quite a lot of it. I felt very sad about this :-(

I need to find some personal direction and a purpose for me ................

Creating a new Christmas

Its been a while since I blogged mainly because I have been so busy at work, working long hours and getting very stressed. I was close to resigning as I feel I have been bullied by one individual since the summer and just can't stand it anymore. I have worked for the same company for 35 years and enjoy my job, appreciate my manager, like the company and its ethics but at the moment the behaviour of certain individuals is making me hate going to work. I'm shedding tears now just writing this and I've been off work for two weeks.... I am dreading going back. Sadly this person has influence over my future so I don't feel while I am in my current position I can succeed anymore.

I think it is time for a change for me - I either need to find a role in another department which is not easy or if I had an opportunity to take redundancy I probably would.

Christmas this year has been different. With my mother-in-law no longer around to hold it together everyone decided to do their own thing. However I had a lovely time with my daughters and their boyfriends on Christmas Eve followed by going to a pub with a friend whose partner was playing in his band. That was fab and a lovely start to Christmas. Christmas day I invited my younger sister-in-law and my two youngest nephews to join my daughters and me for lunch. They were all at a loose end too. We had a fun time. Boxing day some lovely friends had me around in the evening for food and games.  So all in all its been a lovely Christmas. My youngest daughter asked me if I had a problem with Christmas seeing as that is when my husband decided to leave and we had that hanging over us over the whole period - but I don't.

Match.com has not really turned out well. This is due to run out mid Jan and I won't be renewing. Initially I exchanged a few emails with some guys who once I responded they didn't write back - I obviously said something wrong :-( Then it went all quiet until Christmas Eve when I got three chaps contact me. I've been talking to one of them on the phone and he seems quite nice. But tonight I've got an email from him saying that if I am chatting to others maybe we should not. I give up !!!! I have only exchanged emails with the others......

In a few days it will be three years since my husband left - I'm still trying to rebuild my life and move on ....

Up and down like a yoyo

I finished the show I was working on last week. I had some lovely comments about how I look now. I still get these regularly which really helps my self esteem. I did put on a few pounds after a couple of weeks but still am in target. I now know that I will always have to be careful about what I eat as I don't want to put weight back on. I'm slowly building my wardrobe up again. My taste in clothes has changed quite a bit now probably as I can wear different things.

Work is painful again. I have some good days but more not so good. I'm in discussion with my manager about next steps for me. I have to say this newish manager is very good and is really helping me with my thinking. I feel like I need a change at work.

I had a finance session with an independent consultant and was pleasantly surprised to hear that things are better than I expected with a real opportunity to get rid of my debts including paying my husband off. He also showed me what I can expect for my pension if I retire at 60. Again I was surprised. He said to me I seem to be better off now I am no longer with my husband. So many people have said this to me. I just need to believe that myself.

After a lot of folk telling me to go on online dating I signed up with Match.com. I have been doing it for a week and I am bored already. So many idiots on there who seem to immediately want to talk or meet you. I need to take this slowly by talking to them via email first. I've paid for three months but am convinced I have wasted my money. I'm not enjoying it........and can't believe how shallow the men are.

Its my birthday on Sunday and I'm planning to go to the Harry Potter movie tour with my daughters and their boyfriends possibly followed by a meal. I'm also going out for a meal with friends on the following Wednesday. I invited quite a few folk and didn't expect most of them to come, but so far I have about 15 acceptances ! I am surprised .... hoping it will be a fun evening :-)

It's final

I've just returned from a business trip this morning the find the Decree Absolute in my post. My marriage was officially dissolved on 9th October 2013. I am sitting here writing this in floods of tears     . I am now single again, no longer a Mrs. I always knew this would be difficult for me as I still love him and still don't understand why he left me. I got a text from my husband whilst I was away on holiday saying that he had heard from his solicitor that everything was concluded and the decree absolute was forthcoming. He specifically said 'I want you to know that I'm not celebrating it but I do think its a relief to be finally done. It means we both know where we stand financially and hopefully can allow you to love on. Thank you for not making it any more difficult than these things have to be. I hope that we an always stay on friendly terms for the sake of each other and the girls'.

I guess I'll have to try and move on now - somehow. I was feeling low anyway and this has just plummeted me down to some horrible place I have been in over the last few years. I hope I can dig myself out of it quickly.

It's been two months since I last posted on this blog and quite a lot has happened.... I noted in the last post about the various theatre trips, parties etc. that I had coming up and they all came and went and were very nice.

I got notice that the court approved the financial split between my husband ( I should should say ex now...)  so that was a relief. I now just need to pay what I owe him by April 2015. Not quite sure how I'll make that happen yet but I am going to get some financial advice to see if I can work it out.

I had my holiday in Kenya which was fantastic. I was overwhelmed by the safari and am so glad to have done it. I also got to see how they live and all the poverty around. We were fortunate to be able to go to a school with around 60 children in a room not much bigger than my living room. The teacher was a lady who had retired but took it upon herself to do this. She gets 3 Kenyan shillings for each child a year. Thee are approx . 125 shillings to the pound.... We then visited a private school which had classes for children up to around 16. Cost is approx. £40 per term for each student. The difference was vast, but still they were not as privileged as the children in our schools in the UK.
I also went on a couple of guided walks and one took us past the local homes. When you go for walks there a&e a number of young lads from the village who join and chat to you. Of course they want to sell you something but they firstly explained all the things you saw such as cashew trees, the houses and how they cook ( on open fires) etc. the lad who walked with me was called James and he said he was James Bond(!). Anyhow I did by some hand engraved key rings on which he put names on for me. I ordered them in the morning on the walk and he had them for me in the afternoon at 4pm. They were well done. I asked what he will use the money for and he said to buy flour for cooking for his family as he had to support his elderly parents to whom he introduced me to. It's a big problem for the country - how can they manage to help all those people who live in self built mud huts etc.

I've also been on a business conference based on a p&o ship. Whilst the conference is very good I got quite home sick and started to think about what I want in life. I'm not sure I want the job I am in at the moment. I need a change but now cannot afford to. The company does offer something called a 'pulse' assignment where you work on full pay for six months with one of the charities that the company supports. These can be in their London office or in the field in Africa, India or South America. I have floated the idea past my boss and he hasn't said no. I'm thinking of applying as it may be a good change for me. If I do that will start next June.

I need to sit down now and make a plan for what I want to do with my life now.

It is still hard having to decide and do things alone. For instance I came home from my holiday to find out that the kitchen door hinge broke when my daughter slipped on the floor and hit it. I now need to find a carpenter!!

Oh I forgot to mention I reached my target and have lost almost six stone in weight :-)