The fb status has changed

He finally did it today - changed his fb status to being in a relationship with the manipulating ***** :-( I felt physically sick when I saw it and tears came. As  was at the 12 hour sponsored outh workshop when I saw it I had to retreat to the toilet.

 He came around yesterday to move a credit card in his name with a big balance on it to one at 0% for a while. I am paying hat back as he can't. It became quickly apparent that it couldn't happen as he wouldn't be able to get another card in his current financial position. He told me that he was going to make the relationship change and that she had been very understanding and patient so far. I repeated to him that I hate her and that she was manipulating. He repeated that I hadn't done anything wrong and it was his feelings that had changed ( well of ourselves it would if a desperate manipulating ***** comes onto you and flatters you ). As both the girls were out or the evening I was on my own all night. Plenty of time to think, not great thoughts :-(

 My youngest daughter now has her nice new car and is happy. She has the newest car of all of us now. My eldest daughter finally booked her trip to Thailand and Vietnam for two months leaving in March. This is a wonderful experience for her, but I will worry about her and really really miss her.

Work is still super pressurised and stressful. I know I am being negative all the time both at work and home but can't get back to my positive happy self. I do try but it seems so artificial every time I try.

Anyone have any ideas how I get out of this rut ? Or do I just have to ride it through ?

Here we go again.....

I've been trying to think whether all the things that have been going wrong are part of life generally and whether we had all these issues before. And I am sure there were some, but not as many as this together, Plus when you have someone to share it with it seems half the problem as you can talk it through and bounce ideas around and then agree a solution. When you are on your own it is so hard. I don't know how single parents of younger children manage - maybe because they are younger themselves they have more of a future to think about and more energy to cope.

My daughter has decided to use some of her savings to buy a new car and has put a deposit down (which I gave ....) and picks up the new car. She got £600 in part exchange, so I have in effect thrown over £5000 down the drain in less than a year on that car. Is this just bad luck or down to the fact that I can't make decisions very well on my own ?

I still can't talk to her properly - she has been trying but as soon as I say anything she doesn't want to deal with she goes off in a huff and doesn't want to talk to me. She accuses me of 'having a go'. I don't think I am  - I'm just trying to be practical. I used to think I was quite good at talking to my daughters and others - but now am not so sure. Is it just because I am not right with myself ?

I watched Casualty from two weeks ago on catch up TV and bawled my eyes out because one of the stories was too close to home. And then at one point my heart literally jumped to my stomach.

Some of the things I had a sense was happening at the theatre group seem to be coming true - I will need to make a decision after the next show if I want to continue with the group. If a certain group of people get control it will not be a nice place to be, so I won't bother. If that happens that will be almost everything I was doing - gone.... changed.

To top it all today I found out my nice boss has another job and is leaving on the 1st Feb. One of my peers  will be acting boss until they find someone else. I really could do without this on top of the pressure of the job already.

Please please please can I have one good thing - something big - happen - I so need it - I am so low again - life stinks - I hate myself :-(

Ugh

My daughters car is dangerous to drive. It stalled as she was driving tonight. It seems to be in an even worse state since we got it back. It's depressing me so much. What a rubbish set of decisions I have made. I can't think straight again my head is all muddled up. I feel crap and just want to hibernate again. I sometimes feel I am making a step forward and then something comes along and I take three back. I hate my life again. So depressed.....

I need a holiday

So after the Christmas break I was hoping to be able to start to settle down a bit more and get some normality in my life. It is not to be and I am now feeling exhausted and down again. My daughters car is still a worry as she can't start it up and still need a new wheel which means I am worrying a lot about her. However whenever I try and talk to her about anything she responds angrily. She is nt here very much and whilst she is 19 I do still worry about her. She is the messy one around the house and rarely helps with anything unless I specifically ask. She is job hunting and trying to lose weight but she is so hard to communicate with. She was always the one who I could chat about all kinds of things with, but now if I try she really isn't interested. My other daughter is planning her travel this year and will be away for three months from the beginning of March. I'm going to miss her - lots. Work is still stupidly busy despite having passed one programme on. Today I did a 12 hour day getting home about 9:30pm had something to eat and am now in bed. I even had to miss a friends funeral on Thursday to attend a meeting. I was gutted. I'm beginning to think I am incapable of doing my job anymore. My confidence and self esteem is plummeting to a whole new low level. I'm not sure I can make decisions any more. I visited the doctors and got my results back. The good news is there is no evidence of cancer. The bad news is I have an irritable bowel brought on by stress and my glucose is high. The doctor wanted to give me tablets and I didn't want any so am now trying to lose weight. I do need to lose weight but it's so hard when you just grab food when you can. I have the potential of quite a few trips away this year and want to see if I can manage it if work will allow. Friends continue to be supportive and I am endlessly grateful to them xx but I do still miss someone to talk to when I get home or in the moment. I'm also trying but unsuccessfully to start the next OU course. It officially opens tomorrow. Everytime I sit to read I end up falling asleep. The material is interesting I just can't help it :-( I've had to tell some more friends and work colleagues that my husband has left me. More shock from them and more pain from me. One of them asked me if I would have him back and after a year the answer is still yes. I really really need something good to happen to boost my morale - I never thought I would find myself in this victim mode and not know how to get out of it.

One Year

Today is one year since he left me ;'-(

Have I moved on - not really....

Am I still emotional - yes still quite a a lot...

Can I see a way forward - not really

Any change towards what I think of her - NO she is still a manipulating ***** who stole my husband, lover and best friend - when will karma get her ?

Today to top it all I get a text from him to warn me that there had been a photo posted of him and her at a new years eve party. And my daughter told me that he had told her that he is going to change his fb status relationship - because he promised the manipulating ***** as wants him to. We may not still be together but we are still officially married and I'm not changing that. If he hadn't said anything about the photo I  may never have seen it - but I had to go and look - and what hurt more than anything else were some of the comments. People are still so insensitive. In fact the party host whom I have known for some time 'liked' the photo and made an insensitive comment.  I hate the way that people think I should be OK now because it has been a while. I have really really had to hold myself back from making a comment on the photo. I feel physically sick at the moment.

Other bad news : My daughters car is still not back :-( its been nearly a month

Good news : I actually felt that my old self was coming back at work. Its great to be back with my previous boss and team and I have time to do things properly again :-)

Two deaths

This morning I found out that a friend has died - she was five years younger than me. She is the second parent of friends of my daughters to die in the last few days both. I think this has made me realise I have to try to live life to the full. I know I will still get emotional and cry at times ( like now as I am writing this). But I have to get on with life. I just need to work out how and whether I do it alone or with others. I'm off for a walk shortly with a friend to have a chat and think. Just taking the Christmas decorations down. Strangely usually each year when I do that it's ok but this year I feel so sad doing it. I wonder why ?

Not a great start to 2012

I started the day off determined to be positive and happy. I enjoyed the new years concert from the Vienna orchestra which found me dancing around the room. Made me realise how much I miss my dancing.i thought I would cook something nice for the girls and me , but both of them went out so I was left on my own for a large part of the day. As I write my youngest daughter is still not back. It's not fun eating alone. So I spent the day not doing very much. I watched a DVD and tv which is so unlike me. I had thought of going for a walk just to get out of the house especially when I realised I hadn't been out since Wednesday. But I didn't as I felt like I couldn't be bothered about anything. I'm finding that I am getting very bitter. My daughter wished my husband a good evening last night when I was on my own all evening. That made me cross and bitter that he has done this to me and is seemingly happy and enjoying himself. I guess I can't expect him to be thinking about me - he has a new life and sod me. Oh why oh why can't I move on ? I'm not stupid but the heart hurts still and it is stopping me. Maybe I do need some counselling....