Feeling sad today

I'm feeling really sad tonight as a number of my friends seem to be falling out with each other for various reasons. These friends have been so supportive to me over the last few months and I feel almost helpless as I don't want to take any sides (I love them all for who they are).

The recent thunderstorms seem to have zapped our amp that connects everything to the tv so we can't get a picture and my daughters tv appears not to be working either. So the house is very quiet.... My husband did come to try and sort the amp out seeing as it was his toy when he bought it a number of years ago. He had no success - so its a call to the insurance now. It was nice of him to try.

I did a one night show on Monday which we had just four weeks to rehearse. I sort of enjoyed it as we were a small group but who all got on ok together. I am however glad it is over so I can get on with my studying. The MD of the show (my guardian angel) had a chat with me again - she is so reasoned and as she doesn't know my husband can be totally honest and unbiased.

I had planned to do more tonight, but tvs, discussions with various folk and just sorting house things out stopped me. I even put the iron on intending to iron some clothes but it is now 11:30pm so I think bed is calling.

Bitter Sweet

Yesterday was a real bitter sweet day. I was woken up in the morning by my daughter screaming that she had passed her degree and got a 2:1. She was so happy and so was I so I burst into tears. I am so proud of her and her boyfriend who also passed. My daughter went out and my husband arrived with a big bunch of flowers for her. She is not a great fan of flowers so even though it was a lovely thought and she did appreciate it you'd think her father would have known that. It's me that adores getting flowers. Anyhow he came in for a cup of tea and guess what - I ended up in tears again. I still love and miss him :-( Not long after he went I got a text from him that was intended for her ! I responded back to him and he apologised.

Despite a fairly lonely day on my own after that I went out in the evening with some friends to see another friend in his band. It was great. I had a lovely time possibly because I drank a whole bottle of wine on my own. Sadly that us becoming a habit when I go out. As I don't drink at all in the week I wonder what impact that has on my liver ? It's sad that I now feel that I need that at least once a week so I can forget my life and just have fun.

Two steps back

I still have this dry skin/rash on my face and neck, my dentist tells me I am grinding or clenching my teeth. I am not a nice person , can't concentrate on anything so not getting my ou done as my mind keeps wandering off. I have no idea what my life is anymore or where it is going. I've started to cry at the drop of a hat again. I just want to curl up in a corner. I keep taking a step forwards and then more shit happens and sends me right back. I hate this much. How can one man affect someone so much. He has mo idea :-(

I forgot to say

That my husband came around on Saturday and we ended up chatting again about the house and my concerns that she will ask him to force selling it. He once again said that I can stay in the house for as long as i want. He only wants a share of it at the point I am ready to sell, which he also noted could be never ! I spoke to the solicitor again and she said he can't force a sale if I don't want to. If he thought it should be sold for some reason and I refused he would have to go to court. I also spoke to him about a deed of separation. I don't want to go down that route yet and he couldn't afford a solicitor anyhow. I wonder if I am feeling so down again because of this conversation ?

On a more positive note I have booked a weeks holiday with a friend in august to santoruni. Something to look forward to but 8 weeks away still. I need something to help me move on now :-(

So Empty

I feel so empty.

I've had so many changes enforced on me since the start of this year my head can't think straight anymore.

Politics are abound in the theatre group I belong to and I feel like piggy in the middle - so much so I had to leave early on Sunday and just come home - partly to try and catch up on things and partly to get away from everyone. Yesterday at the first rehearsal of the new show that seems to have been controversially cast I felt nothing despite being asked and told lots of things.

I feel like I am a failure at everything again  - well apart from work which ironically I was due to be leaving for redundancy at the end of the month but now I am considered top talent and have been given a highly emotive, complex, large programme of work to lead.

I went to my last governors meeting tonight. Part of me feels relief at having one less thing to worry about and part of me hurts badly - closing another chapter of my life.

My daughter rightly or wrongly posted on the manipulating *****'s facebook wall a comment to her status that she was missing her dad - she said 'I'm missing my dad too you w****'. You can imagine the fall out from that. My husband tried to call her then texted her a rather vitriolic text followed by a call to me - saying he knew it wasn't me but that it was slander and that her kids could have seen it, and that I would not condone it but that it was out of order etc. etc. He then went on to say he had been on the manipulating *****'s fb account and had deleted the comment, blocked my daughter and changed it so only friends could see her wall. Whilst I don't condone her calling her that publically (and I did speak to her about it) it is amusing to see how the truth can have such an effect.

I just want to be wisked away by someone for a few days and have nothing but fun, not having to think about anything but each minute. And to do some daring, exciting things.

All I can think about is how miserable I am, how much I must seem to be wallowing in my own problems, how I'm an awful friend and can absolutely understand if no one wanted to talk to me at the moment. I want to get out of this rut and move on - normally I would be very positive and forward thinking but I'm stuck I can't get that back at the moment - what needs to happen to get me going again ? I'm still lost :-( 

Why do people play games ?

Once again I am on empty and feeling emotionally drained. So many people around me are playing political games and getting into cliques. I just want out - I hate my life at the moment :-( Nothing feels good, everything is changing, I'm becoming neurotic, not sleeping again and not eating properly. I hate this roller coaster ride up and down all the time. I don't feel I can trust anyone so I'll just clam up and cry by myself.

I came home from the theatre group today earlier than I should and decided not to go back this evening for choir. I just wanted to sit and cry on my own. But my daughter came home and I don't want to cry in front of them.

I'm going to go and have a bath and bed early tonight - I can't cope again with life.....

Hmmmm

This was on my facebook page today...

On this day of your life, Slava, we believe God wants you to know ... that shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.
	There is no need for you to go it alone. There are people who love you, and who are ready to give you much needed support. There are even more, - way more than you can possibly imagine, people who CAN love you if you give them a chance. Make 'share joy, half the sorrow' your motto for today.

I still feel very alone - not sure who to trust - too many politics and bad attitudes :-(

I've had enough....

I'm angry and very upset. It feels as if the world is conspiring against me and something, someone is shuffling my life like a pack of cards and throwing it up in the air.

I really really want to stop the world and get off of it right now :-( I don't want all this change in one go - I can't take it. Now would be a good time to go to sleep and not wake up.

I thought I was starting to move forward but well, I thought wrong obviously.

I've resigned

After lots of thought and discussion with myself mostly I decided to step down as the chair of governors for the school I was at. I didn't feel I was doing a good job - at least not how I consider I should be doing it. I told the head on Friday and he was very understanding and even gave me a hug. When I left the school I sat in the car and cried. Another sense of loss for me - I have been a school governor for 15 years. I really didn't want to give up but something had to go. I didn't want to give up the theatre group as I have many friends there and that has kept me going over the last months. Without that I would be sat at home on my own almost every night. And I didn't want to give up the studying as I am so close to finishing (another year, maybe two - but that's it). So the only thing left was the school governor :-(

Yesterday on a whim I decided to have a pedicure and my toes nails painted. It does make me feel good when my toes look nice :-)

I'm still finding myself very emotional at times and will start to cry at the drop of a hat. A good friend came around for a chat on Thursday and I found myself in tears again - it all still hurts......

In some ways I am ready to move on and in others I am not. Small steps forwards I guess.

Where are the bruises coming from ?

I think my body is very confused....... I had a wonderful night of dance on Monday with a class followed by two audition pieces (one tap) for our next show. I really thought I was going to ache but I didn't !
On the other hand I have a whole load of bruises on my arms and hands and I don't recall bumping or hitting them. Additioanlly my nails keep breaking, chipping and peeling and I now have either eczema or dermatitis or something on my face - what is going on ??? I'm going to have to keep an eye on it - I'm particularly worried about the bruises :-(

My heart sank

The manipulating ***** is rearing her ugly head everywhere now - it won;t be long I expect until I come face to face with her. My daughter saw her with her mother in the doctors this morning. She thinks she was talking about her to her mother. She wanted to say something to her when she came back out, but never appeared so thinks she escaped via another route ! And then I discovered this evening that she had been to visit my mother in law and my brother in law was also there. He didn't mention that he was coming down so I guess that he had scrubbed me off his contact list. I feel really down now as the manipulating ***** is now starting to infiltrate some of my past and this makes me unsure even more of the future. Slowly bit by bit she is wheedling her way in and I fear I will be pushed out. I am really really scared :-( So much so I'm beginning to think I need to move away and start my life all over again - not sure I can cope with them being so close by. I was always very close to my mum and I miss her so much at the moment. Once again I feel very lonely. What should I do ?

The ring has come off

I've had a bitter sweet week this week.

Work has been very stressful and to top it all my boss has decided to have a face to face meeting with his new leadership team during the week I am due to go on my ou residential - he says he needs to do it soon and the other weeks other people cannot do. That has made me feel very undervalued :-( Normally he is ok and would try and accommodate but for some reason he isn't this time.

We started on the one night Music Hall on Tuesday and the new musical show on Wednesday so lots to do again. I've been bust today trying to get my next OU assignment complete. However I am completely shattered not going to sleep until 4am again.

I did a first yesterday in that I stayed unexpectedly over at a friends house - it was a weird feeling and I didn't really know what to do - I felt so guilty ! I texted the girls to say I wouldn't be home and they seemed ok with it. I think it is so sad that I have got to the age I am at and have never lived dangerously ! I think I will have to do more..... as a friend said I am living the life of a 15 year old. Yes - making up for lost time ...... what shall I do next ??

I took my wedding ring off today - it feels very odd and I have a mark where it was. But maybe this is a way to help me move on ? My husband has texted me a couple of times this week and my eldest daughter saw him working at the cinema for the first time since January. I don't think it was as bad as she feared.

I was very flattered and honoured today in that my daughters boyfriend whose band is finalising their album gave me a first copy to listen to - it is very good and I am hoping that some recording company will take them on. And my daughter bought me a pair of sandals - how kind is that ? 

I am sooo tired after not having much sleep last night I think I'll try and have an early night - I may well be home alone again :-(