Ramblings

I've not had a chance to post anything for a few days and when I did try one evening the blogger was down so I couldn't. Over the last few days I've been thinking  (dangerous thing!). Today is not a good day for me - feeling down, empty and sad. I had to drive 45 mins to a tutorial for my OU course and so had time to think in the car. On the way home I had to turn the music off as it was making me sad and I started to cry again and had an overwhelming feeling of hate for her and wanted so much to hurt her like she has hurt me.

At the moment both my daughters are going through a bad time and I've had to tend to their needs - so me time is out the window.

I've been thinking about why people commit suicide and I can so understand why they do. You get to a stage where your life feels empty with no obvious future - or you can't plan for any future. When you get that along with a feeling of desperation and sadness then it seems sensible that ending it all will get rid of the pain. I don't want to upset or panic anyone but if it wasn't for the fact my daughters still need me to support them....... I just hope my life has improved before they move on in their lives....

My youngest daughter was crying yesterday because she can't lose weight and it is so important for her, so I said I'd go to Weight Watchers with her if that would help. So I guess I'll be going to WW now..... another thing to fit into an already very busy life made up mostly of things I have to do rather than what I want to do or things for me. I need another break :-( Does that sound selfish ?

And just now I've spent an hour on the phone to my other daughter who was crying because she has a virus on her PC and she can't get onto the internet to do her exam prep work. I'll  probably have to do more before it is sorted. Not easy to do via the phone - and she won't talk to her dad who could help her. As a consequence of this I now have not done the things I had planned to do.

Things at school are still rubbish and continuing and now I have another problem with the theatre group. I am music rep so have to decide and plan the musical shows. The MD for the next which we are due to start in June had decided to throw a wobbly and I now don't know if he is doing it or not. So now I am hunting for someone at short notice. I CAN SO DO WITHOUT ALL OF THIS CRAP!!!!!!

I must be going mad :-(

Well I think I am finally going mad. I've started talking to the cat ! I think because she is there all the time and sometimes she is the only one around to talk to :-(

I went to the doctors today for a blood pressure check and because I have had a sore throat for a week. Surprisingly the blood pressure was ok. I told the doctor that my husband had left me. She said something about men of "that age" that turns them stupid. I definitely spiralling into a down phase again. Not eating properly or sleeping well. One day this will stop - I hope......

My daughter has gone back to uni for her final exams - 17 days and then she will be back. Yesterday she sat on her bedroom floor and cried her eyes out saying she didn't want to go back because she gets homesick. My other daughter tried to cheer her up and I sat on the floor with her hugging her. I realised then how much this has affected them both and still is. How could two human beings one being their father do this to two beautiful young girls ? I hate her so much for that and can't understand why he thought they wouldn't be affected. I can feel the anger welling up in me - not good......

One step forward and two back

Well my husband texted me today to let me know that he has been kept in his job after his probationary period. That is great for him. And apparently she has signed on !

I had a bit of a tear today as someone put a lovely helpful comment on my blog - it is so nice to know that someone out there is reading this and can empathise through experience - though I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I happened to mention that I had a blog to one of my friends and then couldn't say anymore as I got very emotional.

Yesterday I was in the park where they walk the dogs for a photo shoot for the show I am doing. I was really worried that I would see them and was nervously looking around all the time. I also just realised that I am avoiding very public places where I may see them such as in the town centre and Sainsburys. So once again the manipulating ***** has managed to affect me in other ways. I go to work, the theatre group, the school, home and various pubs with friends and outside of that I don't go anywhere.

Its definitely still one step forward and two back at the moment. I'm looking forward to when it can be reversed and then eventually all forward...............

Four months now

Its been over four months since my husband left me to live with the manipulating *****. So how have things changed and how am I feeling ? Well I'm still having bad dreams - last night I dreamt I saw them both in his car and she was smiling and waving to me - grrrr.

The only real routine I have at the moment is going to work and going to rehearsals. Outside of that I am totally unfocused and jump from one thing to the next. I am also not really focused on the show and just doing it without thinking - that is not good.

I am eating badly - hardly anything one day and then loads of rubbish the next. In fact my eating is probably worse than at the beginning. I am still sleeping badly and not getting enough of it - partly because I am out with friends till late at the weekend and partly because I am still trying to fit everything into a day and it doesn't fit, so I go to bed late and wake up early !

I still love him and miss him terribly and the hate and anger for her is still eating at me. I know that it does me no good - but I feel I have unfinished business with her and every time I stop to think about what she has done I get very angry inside. I still haven't seen them out together and still am dreading it.    

I asked the girls today how they would feel if he came back - they said I shouldn't have him back and would feel awkward with him back in the house - I don't think he will come back but I do sometimes fantasize about what that would be like.

What do I miss most ? I miss his company, someone to talk to about my thoughts and things that have happened. I miss his usually sound and logical view of things. I miss his hugs and kisses. I miss having him beside me at night time. I miss the dog (sometimes). I miss walking the dog with him and chatting about things. I miss having family meals together. I miss him cooking for us. I miss watching a video together. I miss going out together. I miss his kindness and finding new things to make me happy.

What do I like ? My wonderful friends. Having a tidy house. Being able to live to a budget. When I'm out not having to worry about being back. Doing things on the spur of the moment with friends.

What do I hate ? HER. HER. HER.  Being alone and very lonely sometimes. Not being able to plan a future. Being emotionally fragile. Not being a couple. Having to do things and make decisions on my own.

Overall after four months I am still hurting loads and hate being in this situation. Do I feel like I have moved on at all ? Sometimes I feel I have made some baby steps forward and then something happens to take me all the way back. A long way to go still I think :-(

My confidence has gone

I was reflecting today on how I have changed since the beginning of January. My confidence has gone, I seem incapable of doing anything, my mind is permanently fuddled, I struggle to focus on one thing at a time, emotionally I am a wreck. Things that I would have just done seem to now be hard to do - or I can't be bothered. I'm not eating properly - either I don't eat or I eat rubbish. I live from day to day and struggle to plan anything in advance. I wonder how long it will take to regain any of my former self back again ? From talking with others who have been through breakups like this - it seems that it will be years....... the only good things at the moment are that I have two wonderful daughters, wonderful friends and a job that helps to take my mind off things.

More Positive

I feel a little more positive about things today. My fantastic friends came around and helped with sorting out my garden in return for food. Even though it was hard work - we did lots and had a lovely day together. Its great to have such caring friends. I never thought anyone would do something like that for me.....

My husband is still texting me - the girls are still not talking to him. I do still love him and miss him - BUT I'm starting to get used to living alone - most of the time. I do miss the companionship and someone to talk to. The house is tidier and we are going to party party in the garden more :-) Whilst that all seems fun at the moment I do wonder if it will wear off eventually ?

Down down down

Watching the royal wedding today was a big mistake. It has made me very down again - especially the wedding ceremony. And I'm alone in the house, so have been crying my eyes out again :-( I feel so lethargic I don't want to do anything. I'm supposed to be going out this evening to see a friend in a band - but really don't want to go - but as I am driving I'll have to force myself.... Still taking each day as it comes and find myself just going through each day on automatic pilot. I've had a few days off work and had planned to do so much clearing out things but have done hardly anything - I just can't be bothered - so unlike me, but then again I haven't really been myself since the beginning of December.