Its been a while since I blogged mainly because I have been so busy at work, working long hours and getting very stressed. I was close to resigning as I feel I have been bullied by one individual since the summer and just can't stand it anymore. I have worked for the same company for 35 years and enjoy my job, appreciate my manager, like the company and its ethics but at the moment the behaviour of certain individuals is making me hate going to work. I'm shedding tears now just writing this and I've been off work for two weeks.... I am dreading going back. Sadly this person has influence over my future so I don't feel while I am in my current position I can succeed anymore.
I think it is time for a change for me - I either need to find a role in another department which is not easy or if I had an opportunity to take redundancy I probably would.
Christmas this year has been different. With my mother-in-law no longer around to hold it together everyone decided to do their own thing. However I had a lovely time with my daughters and their boyfriends on Christmas Eve followed by going to a pub with a friend whose partner was playing in his band. That was fab and a lovely start to Christmas. Christmas day I invited my younger sister-in-law and my two youngest nephews to join my daughters and me for lunch. They were all at a loose end too. We had a fun time. Boxing day some lovely friends had me around in the evening for food and games. So all in all its been a lovely Christmas. My youngest daughter asked me if I had a problem with Christmas seeing as that is when my husband decided to leave and we had that hanging over us over the whole period - but I don't.
Match.com has not really turned out well. This is due to run out mid Jan and I won't be renewing. Initially I exchanged a few emails with some guys who once I responded they didn't write back - I obviously said something wrong :-( Then it went all quiet until Christmas Eve when I got three chaps contact me. I've been talking to one of them on the phone and he seems quite nice. But tonight I've got an email from him saying that if I am chatting to others maybe we should not. I give up !!!! I have only exchanged emails with the others......
In a few days it will be three years since my husband left - I'm still trying to rebuild my life and move on ....
Monday, 30 December 2013
Tuesday, 5 November 2013
Up and down like a yoyo
I finished the show I was working on last week. I had some lovely comments about how I look now. I still get these regularly which really helps my self esteem. I did put on a few pounds after a couple of weeks but still am in target. I now know that I will always have to be careful about what I eat as I don't want to put weight back on. I'm slowly building my wardrobe up again. My taste in clothes has changed quite a bit now probably as I can wear different things.
Work is painful again. I have some good days but more not so good. I'm in discussion with my manager about next steps for me. I have to say this newish manager is very good and is really helping me with my thinking. I feel like I need a change at work.
I had a finance session with an independent consultant and was pleasantly surprised to hear that things are better than I expected with a real opportunity to get rid of my debts including paying my husband off. He also showed me what I can expect for my pension if I retire at 60. Again I was surprised. He said to me I seem to be better off now I am no longer with my husband. So many people have said this to me. I just need to believe that myself.
After a lot of folk telling me to go on online dating I signed up with Match.com. I have been doing it for a week and I am bored already. So many idiots on there who seem to immediately want to talk or meet you. I need to take this slowly by talking to them via email first. I've paid for three months but am convinced I have wasted my money. I'm not enjoying it........and can't believe how shallow the men are.
Its my birthday on Sunday and I'm planning to go to the Harry Potter movie tour with my daughters and their boyfriends possibly followed by a meal. I'm also going out for a meal with friends on the following Wednesday. I invited quite a few folk and didn't expect most of them to come, but so far I have about 15 acceptances ! I am surprised .... hoping it will be a fun evening :-)
Saturday, 12 October 2013
It's final
I've just returned from a business trip this morning the find the Decree Absolute in my post. My marriage was officially dissolved on 9th October 2013. I am sitting here writing this in floods of tears . I am now single again, no longer a Mrs. I always knew this would be difficult for me as I still love him and still don't understand why he left me. I got a text from my husband whilst I was away on holiday saying that he had heard from his solicitor that everything was concluded and the decree absolute was forthcoming. He specifically said 'I want you to know that I'm not celebrating it but I do think its a relief to be finally done. It means we both know where we stand financially and hopefully can allow you to love on. Thank you for not making it any more difficult than these things have to be. I hope that we an always stay on friendly terms for the sake of each other and the girls'.
I guess I'll have to try and move on now - somehow. I was feeling low anyway and this has just plummeted me down to some horrible place I have been in over the last few years. I hope I can dig myself out of it quickly.
It's been two months since I last posted on this blog and quite a lot has happened.... I noted in the last post about the various theatre trips, parties etc. that I had coming up and they all came and went and were very nice.
I got notice that the court approved the financial split between my husband ( I should should say ex now...) so that was a relief. I now just need to pay what I owe him by April 2015. Not quite sure how I'll make that happen yet but I am going to get some financial advice to see if I can work it out.
I had my holiday in Kenya which was fantastic. I was overwhelmed by the safari and am so glad to have done it. I also got to see how they live and all the poverty around. We were fortunate to be able to go to a school with around 60 children in a room not much bigger than my living room. The teacher was a lady who had retired but took it upon herself to do this. She gets 3 Kenyan shillings for each child a year. Thee are approx . 125 shillings to the pound.... We then visited a private school which had classes for children up to around 16. Cost is approx. £40 per term for each student. The difference was vast, but still they were not as privileged as the children in our schools in the UK.
I also went on a couple of guided walks and one took us past the local homes. When you go for walks there a&e a number of young lads from the village who join and chat to you. Of course they want to sell you something but they firstly explained all the things you saw such as cashew trees, the houses and how they cook ( on open fires) etc. the lad who walked with me was called James and he said he was James Bond(!). Anyhow I did by some hand engraved key rings on which he put names on for me. I ordered them in the morning on the walk and he had them for me in the afternoon at 4pm. They were well done. I asked what he will use the money for and he said to buy flour for cooking for his family as he had to support his elderly parents to whom he introduced me to. It's a big problem for the country - how can they manage to help all those people who live in self built mud huts etc.
I've also been on a business conference based on a p&o ship. Whilst the conference is very good I got quite home sick and started to think about what I want in life. I'm not sure I want the job I am in at the moment. I need a change but now cannot afford to. The company does offer something called a 'pulse' assignment where you work on full pay for six months with one of the charities that the company supports. These can be in their London office or in the field in Africa, India or South America. I have floated the idea past my boss and he hasn't said no. I'm thinking of applying as it may be a good change for me. If I do that will start next June.
I need to sit down now and make a plan for what I want to do with my life now.
It is still hard having to decide and do things alone. For instance I came home from my holiday to find out that the kitchen door hinge broke when my daughter slipped on the floor and hit it. I now need to find a carpenter!!
Oh I forgot to mention I reached my target and have lost almost six stone in weight :-)
I guess I'll have to try and move on now - somehow. I was feeling low anyway and this has just plummeted me down to some horrible place I have been in over the last few years. I hope I can dig myself out of it quickly.
It's been two months since I last posted on this blog and quite a lot has happened.... I noted in the last post about the various theatre trips, parties etc. that I had coming up and they all came and went and were very nice.
I got notice that the court approved the financial split between my husband ( I should should say ex now...) so that was a relief. I now just need to pay what I owe him by April 2015. Not quite sure how I'll make that happen yet but I am going to get some financial advice to see if I can work it out.
I had my holiday in Kenya which was fantastic. I was overwhelmed by the safari and am so glad to have done it. I also got to see how they live and all the poverty around. We were fortunate to be able to go to a school with around 60 children in a room not much bigger than my living room. The teacher was a lady who had retired but took it upon herself to do this. She gets 3 Kenyan shillings for each child a year. Thee are approx . 125 shillings to the pound.... We then visited a private school which had classes for children up to around 16. Cost is approx. £40 per term for each student. The difference was vast, but still they were not as privileged as the children in our schools in the UK.
I also went on a couple of guided walks and one took us past the local homes. When you go for walks there a&e a number of young lads from the village who join and chat to you. Of course they want to sell you something but they firstly explained all the things you saw such as cashew trees, the houses and how they cook ( on open fires) etc. the lad who walked with me was called James and he said he was James Bond(!). Anyhow I did by some hand engraved key rings on which he put names on for me. I ordered them in the morning on the walk and he had them for me in the afternoon at 4pm. They were well done. I asked what he will use the money for and he said to buy flour for cooking for his family as he had to support his elderly parents to whom he introduced me to. It's a big problem for the country - how can they manage to help all those people who live in self built mud huts etc.
I've also been on a business conference based on a p&o ship. Whilst the conference is very good I got quite home sick and started to think about what I want in life. I'm not sure I want the job I am in at the moment. I need a change but now cannot afford to. The company does offer something called a 'pulse' assignment where you work on full pay for six months with one of the charities that the company supports. These can be in their London office or in the field in Africa, India or South America. I have floated the idea past my boss and he hasn't said no. I'm thinking of applying as it may be a good change for me. If I do that will start next June.
I need to sit down now and make a plan for what I want to do with my life now.
It is still hard having to decide and do things alone. For instance I came home from my holiday to find out that the kitchen door hinge broke when my daughter slipped on the floor and hit it. I now need to find a carpenter!!
Oh I forgot to mention I reached my target and have lost almost six stone in weight :-)
Wednesday, 14 August 2013
Sad endings but social doings
So its a whole month on from the last post.
Sadly my Mother-in-law died at the end of July - she will be missed. She didn't approve of what my husband has done and said she considered me family. I offered to have the wake at my house as I wanted to do my bit and contribute. I enjoyed doing it, think it went well and it was fab to have all the family together. Unfortunately I don't think that will happen again until the next wedding, christening or death :-( We did get some lovely photos of all the cousins, siblings, me and my daughters etc. together.
Since I started going out with my husband (in 1979) I have enjoyed my Christmas day with the family but my Mother-in-law was the lynch pin so that will all change this year. I've already been told that my Sister-in law and my husband want to do their own thing. I've told the girls we now have to create a new Christmas tradition for us and my other Sister-in-law can join us if she has nothing else to do.
I'm still waiting for the divorce to come through. It is ridiculous how long it is taking and my husband keeps coming to me asking for more money.... I don't have it now especially as my daughter has decided to go back to study and I have a large sum to pay for her course next year along with buying things she needs for college.
No news about that job at work - but I'm actually sort of enjoying what I am doing at the moment. Having said that I don't like going into the office after a few days or weekend off.
August is proving to be a social month with quite a few meetings with friends, parties and visits to the theatre. Just last week between Thursday and Sunday I went out to various things with various friends each day - theatre on Thursday to see Ruthie Henshall and actually got to meet her and Kerry Ellis afterwards - lunch with a friend I hadn't seen since earlier in the year and then the theatre again in the evening to see A Chorus Line with another friend and karaoke after with some other friends - lunch with friends on Sunday one of whom I haven't seen for about 30 years and then a quiz in the evening in which we came last out of three teams !! I have three more theatre trips planned in August, two birthday evenings and one patio warming party ;-)
I finally booked myself a holiday and am now quite excited about it. I'm off on a singles holiday for a week to Kenya - three days on Safari and four days by the beach. Its the perfect holiday for me as I get to go on Safari which I have wanted to do for years, do some photography, see some of the country and have a chance to chill too. I can't wait !! I've had to have some additional jabs for protection but I've also got some very helpful hints and tips from a friend who comes from Kenya :-D And being a singles holiday it is geared up so you don't have to be on your own if you don't want to be.
I'm feeling a new confidence starting to build and I think a lot of that is due to the lovely comments I keep getting - almost daily - about my weight loss. I even had the comment 'there is no reason why another man wouldn't fancy you now.... well they would have before too!' but as I said - I'm not looking.
I am beginning to wonder if I have started to get menopausal symptoms. I've had these episodes of feeling very warm though I am not going red apparently and this week I feel very bloated and not quite right. My sleeping has been rubbish for a while and I'm not getting enough of it either.
I also found out that I have been nominated as a candidate for Woman of the Year at Slimming World. The voting is next week. I am quite chuffed that I have been put forward :-) As of last week I was 2lb away from target and my Wii tells me my BMI is healthy - so all being well I'll be on maintenance rather than weight losing very soon. I have already lost over 5.5 stones !
So things are up and down but my mood is definitely more on the up now which has to be a good thing.....
Sadly my Mother-in-law died at the end of July - she will be missed. She didn't approve of what my husband has done and said she considered me family. I offered to have the wake at my house as I wanted to do my bit and contribute. I enjoyed doing it, think it went well and it was fab to have all the family together. Unfortunately I don't think that will happen again until the next wedding, christening or death :-( We did get some lovely photos of all the cousins, siblings, me and my daughters etc. together.
Since I started going out with my husband (in 1979) I have enjoyed my Christmas day with the family but my Mother-in-law was the lynch pin so that will all change this year. I've already been told that my Sister-in law and my husband want to do their own thing. I've told the girls we now have to create a new Christmas tradition for us and my other Sister-in-law can join us if she has nothing else to do.
I'm still waiting for the divorce to come through. It is ridiculous how long it is taking and my husband keeps coming to me asking for more money.... I don't have it now especially as my daughter has decided to go back to study and I have a large sum to pay for her course next year along with buying things she needs for college.
No news about that job at work - but I'm actually sort of enjoying what I am doing at the moment. Having said that I don't like going into the office after a few days or weekend off.
August is proving to be a social month with quite a few meetings with friends, parties and visits to the theatre. Just last week between Thursday and Sunday I went out to various things with various friends each day - theatre on Thursday to see Ruthie Henshall and actually got to meet her and Kerry Ellis afterwards - lunch with a friend I hadn't seen since earlier in the year and then the theatre again in the evening to see A Chorus Line with another friend and karaoke after with some other friends - lunch with friends on Sunday one of whom I haven't seen for about 30 years and then a quiz in the evening in which we came last out of three teams !! I have three more theatre trips planned in August, two birthday evenings and one patio warming party ;-)
I finally booked myself a holiday and am now quite excited about it. I'm off on a singles holiday for a week to Kenya - three days on Safari and four days by the beach. Its the perfect holiday for me as I get to go on Safari which I have wanted to do for years, do some photography, see some of the country and have a chance to chill too. I can't wait !! I've had to have some additional jabs for protection but I've also got some very helpful hints and tips from a friend who comes from Kenya :-D And being a singles holiday it is geared up so you don't have to be on your own if you don't want to be.
I'm feeling a new confidence starting to build and I think a lot of that is due to the lovely comments I keep getting - almost daily - about my weight loss. I even had the comment 'there is no reason why another man wouldn't fancy you now.... well they would have before too!' but as I said - I'm not looking.
I am beginning to wonder if I have started to get menopausal symptoms. I've had these episodes of feeling very warm though I am not going red apparently and this week I feel very bloated and not quite right. My sleeping has been rubbish for a while and I'm not getting enough of it either.
I also found out that I have been nominated as a candidate for Woman of the Year at Slimming World. The voting is next week. I am quite chuffed that I have been put forward :-) As of last week I was 2lb away from target and my Wii tells me my BMI is healthy - so all being well I'll be on maintenance rather than weight losing very soon. I have already lost over 5.5 stones !
So things are up and down but my mood is definitely more on the up now which has to be a good thing.....
Sunday, 14 July 2013
Over two and a half years....
It's now over two and a half years since he left and I still have not to over it..... How long will it take ?
I'm seeing my husband quite a bit at the moment because of my mother in law who is now in a nursing home. Every time I see him my heart hurts :-( I decided this week that I still love and care for him and the least I can do is be his friend. I still and never will want anything to do with the manipulating *****. I still wish the worst things for her.....uncharacteristic of me and the only person in my whole life that I have felt that way about.
So how is life for me two and a half years later ?
I still feel unwanted most of the time
I am now seven pounds to my target weight and love all the nice comments I am getting. I feel good about my looks :-) I did the race for life today and enjoyed it - I want to do more walking as I enjoy it and it will keep me fit.
I've finished the three shows I was doing and was fortunate enough to get into the next one and even have a dance solo ! It's been so many years since I danced solo - it's scary ....
I finished and passed my Psychology degree. I've opted to have my graduation next year and the one this year clashed with a wedding I am going to. I was a bit disappointed with my grade but when I looked the grades that pulled it down were the courses I did the first two years after we split up. That does make me bitter but I did pass and can still be a member of the British Psychological Society.
Work has its ups and downs. More ups at the moment which is good. I still haven't heard from that job so contacted the manager to find out what is happening. It is unlikely that I will get it, but he won't confirm that yet,
The divorce is not complete. I just received the form to sign yesterday and that will now go to court. I'm hoping it will go quickly now without question. My husband keeps asking for money so I want this over so I know what is mine and let me move on.
I had a lovely weekend away with my fiends in Spain. It's like a little respite for me there. However I have loads of holiday to use and want to go away somewhere but can't make my mind up on when or where....
I'm getting used to being on my own and starting to enjoy it. I do like being with friends too but they are all pretty much busy doing their own thing. Weekends are usually the time I find myself alone. But I keep myself busy in the week and where I can at the weekend,
I'm starting to find the real me again and trying to do things I want to do. I went to Ascot for a friends Hen do. Wasn't what I expected but good to have done it.
I decided I don't want another relationship. I don't need it and I don't want to get hurt again.
I'm seeing my husband quite a bit at the moment because of my mother in law who is now in a nursing home. Every time I see him my heart hurts :-( I decided this week that I still love and care for him and the least I can do is be his friend. I still and never will want anything to do with the manipulating *****. I still wish the worst things for her.....uncharacteristic of me and the only person in my whole life that I have felt that way about.
So how is life for me two and a half years later ?
I still feel unwanted most of the time
I am now seven pounds to my target weight and love all the nice comments I am getting. I feel good about my looks :-) I did the race for life today and enjoyed it - I want to do more walking as I enjoy it and it will keep me fit.
I've finished the three shows I was doing and was fortunate enough to get into the next one and even have a dance solo ! It's been so many years since I danced solo - it's scary ....
I finished and passed my Psychology degree. I've opted to have my graduation next year and the one this year clashed with a wedding I am going to. I was a bit disappointed with my grade but when I looked the grades that pulled it down were the courses I did the first two years after we split up. That does make me bitter but I did pass and can still be a member of the British Psychological Society.
Work has its ups and downs. More ups at the moment which is good. I still haven't heard from that job so contacted the manager to find out what is happening. It is unlikely that I will get it, but he won't confirm that yet,
The divorce is not complete. I just received the form to sign yesterday and that will now go to court. I'm hoping it will go quickly now without question. My husband keeps asking for money so I want this over so I know what is mine and let me move on.
I had a lovely weekend away with my fiends in Spain. It's like a little respite for me there. However I have loads of holiday to use and want to go away somewhere but can't make my mind up on when or where....
I'm getting used to being on my own and starting to enjoy it. I do like being with friends too but they are all pretty much busy doing their own thing. Weekends are usually the time I find myself alone. But I keep myself busy in the week and where I can at the weekend,
I'm starting to find the real me again and trying to do things I want to do. I went to Ascot for a friends Hen do. Wasn't what I expected but good to have done it.
I decided I don't want another relationship. I don't need it and I don't want to get hurt again.
Thursday, 30 May 2013
Its been a month.....
Gosh - its been a whole month since I last made an entry to my blog - so lets see what has happened this month....
We have been told my mother in law is terminally ill with a max of three months. I thought we should take her out to places she would like to go to and suggested the beach. So we took her to Southend. My youngest daughter and her boyfriend, brother in law, husband and youngest sister in law also came - so it felt a little odd. I hope my mother in law enjoyed herself. She has become very quiet and apparently is now starting to become forgetful and doing odd things. Its been around a month since the diagnosis so we are just waiting for the inevitable :-(
I had two interviews for that job in West London and am now waiting to find out whether I or the other candidate were successful. I ended up having an interview with the CIO which was interesting - I don't think I will get it which is OK as I didn't enjoy the travelling - almost two hours door to door and over £30 each day !
I know this is really bad but I saw a photo of the manipulating ***** for the first time for ages with my husband at a friends wedding (more his friend than mine) and she has put on loads of weight and has gone blond. I actually smiled and felt really good - how bad is that !!!
I still continue to lose my weight and have just under a stone to go to target - I've nearly lost five stone now. I went to my daughters boyfriends mums 50th birthday party and some photos were taken. When looking at them on facebook I skipped some and then went back as I thought I know that person and then realised it was me ! I almost didn't recognise myself :-)
This weekend just gone was my daughters 21st birthday and she had a lovely party in our garden - I love my garden now :-D Here's hoping we will have some nice weather so I can enjoy it more.
I'll be on stage again next week in our next musical show and then again for the local festival twice in a couple of weeks time. So the next three weeks are going to be manic. I am then going to have a bit of a rest - not sure yet if I will audition for the autumn musical show. Part of me says I need a break and part of me says I need to be doing something to stop me becoming a recluse.
I have less and less feelings now for my husband though when on the phone to him the other day a 'I love you' slipped out ........ I'm not sure if he heard. The divorce is still not complete and just seems to cost more and more money even though so far there hasn't been anything complicated. I just want it over now so I can move on with my life.
We have been told my mother in law is terminally ill with a max of three months. I thought we should take her out to places she would like to go to and suggested the beach. So we took her to Southend. My youngest daughter and her boyfriend, brother in law, husband and youngest sister in law also came - so it felt a little odd. I hope my mother in law enjoyed herself. She has become very quiet and apparently is now starting to become forgetful and doing odd things. Its been around a month since the diagnosis so we are just waiting for the inevitable :-(
I had two interviews for that job in West London and am now waiting to find out whether I or the other candidate were successful. I ended up having an interview with the CIO which was interesting - I don't think I will get it which is OK as I didn't enjoy the travelling - almost two hours door to door and over £30 each day !
I know this is really bad but I saw a photo of the manipulating ***** for the first time for ages with my husband at a friends wedding (more his friend than mine) and she has put on loads of weight and has gone blond. I actually smiled and felt really good - how bad is that !!!
I still continue to lose my weight and have just under a stone to go to target - I've nearly lost five stone now. I went to my daughters boyfriends mums 50th birthday party and some photos were taken. When looking at them on facebook I skipped some and then went back as I thought I know that person and then realised it was me ! I almost didn't recognise myself :-)
This weekend just gone was my daughters 21st birthday and she had a lovely party in our garden - I love my garden now :-D Here's hoping we will have some nice weather so I can enjoy it more.
I'll be on stage again next week in our next musical show and then again for the local festival twice in a couple of weeks time. So the next three weeks are going to be manic. I am then going to have a bit of a rest - not sure yet if I will audition for the autumn musical show. Part of me says I need a break and part of me says I need to be doing something to stop me becoming a recluse.
I have less and less feelings now for my husband though when on the phone to him the other day a 'I love you' slipped out ........ I'm not sure if he heard. The divorce is still not complete and just seems to cost more and more money even though so far there hasn't been anything complicated. I just want it over now so I can move on with my life.
Tuesday, 30 April 2013
Sad times but am I finally moving on ?
A couple of weeks ago we discovered that my husband's mum has terminal cancer with a tumour in the lung and two on the brain. It is so sad as she is only 67 - the same age my mum died :-( Feels a bit like dejavu.. I went to visit her and whilst she is able to move around she is finding it difficult to find teh words to speak. We need to wait to see what the oncologist says before we have any idea of whether they will treat her at all (if she wants it - at the moment she seems not to) and how long they think she has. Its very sad for all the family - I've known her since I was 19 and she has been so good to me (as has my younger sister in law) since my husband left. She made a point of telling me that I was still family and should stay in touch. She doesn't agree with what my husband has done and to date has only met the manipulating ***** once.
I asked myself recently whether I would have my husband back and for the first time the answer was 'I don't know anymore' . Since I have lost weight I feel I have a little more confidence especially with the lovely comments I keep getting. Last week I performed in my theatre groups play and had a very fitted dress as my costume. Everyone who came to see it made comment about how great I looked - apart from my husband ! He came to see the show but made no comment on my appearance. I still find it difficult to talk to him in public. Whilst I still think I love him - it has changed. Does this mean I am moving on at last ?
The divorce seems to have stalled at the moment. I did visit the solicitor to get things moving and am now waiting in my husbands financial details - though he asked to come and talk him through it so I've already sort of seen it.
I still have no holiday booked :-( I suspect I will find myself having to squeeze something in somehow at some point. Probably end up taking time off just to sort things out in the house. I have booked a weekend away to visit my friends in Spain end of June - so something to look forward to.
I had a bit of an upset at work last week as there is a reorganisation in progress (again!). My manager discussed where she was planning to place me in the new org which was a layer down in the hierarchy. That upset me especially as I'd had a discussion with her the previous week to say that since I worked on the Olympics I feel like I have been overlooked. She assured my I had not and that the strategic programme I was working on was recognised as being highly complex. She said she expected our conversation to be difficult - so I wonder if she thought I would just be accepting ? Well I wasn't and said I was disappointed and demotivated. To give her credit she has since looked for other opportunities for me. Both however mean moving to another manager - that would be six in two years! Both roles are new (one to be determined if it will be created still) giving me lots of opportunity to create which I love. However one of the jobs would be reporting to a manager in West London. I don't want to have to be based there or have to travel there daily so not sure about it. But it would take me a layer up in the organisation. Decisions decisions - I hate this one in particular as if I go for this role I probably will have to stop some of my theatre activities. The theatre group are very important to me and have helped me (mostly) through the last two years, so I am reluctant to lose that. I'm going to have to decide soon.... sigh....
I found some more people recently who didn't know about my husband leaving me - when will that stop?
Its a year for weddings with two in September and one in November - sad thing is I'll be on my own....
I do hope we continue to get the sunshine and warmer weather as it makes me happier.
I asked myself recently whether I would have my husband back and for the first time the answer was 'I don't know anymore' . Since I have lost weight I feel I have a little more confidence especially with the lovely comments I keep getting. Last week I performed in my theatre groups play and had a very fitted dress as my costume. Everyone who came to see it made comment about how great I looked - apart from my husband ! He came to see the show but made no comment on my appearance. I still find it difficult to talk to him in public. Whilst I still think I love him - it has changed. Does this mean I am moving on at last ?
The divorce seems to have stalled at the moment. I did visit the solicitor to get things moving and am now waiting in my husbands financial details - though he asked to come and talk him through it so I've already sort of seen it.
I still have no holiday booked :-( I suspect I will find myself having to squeeze something in somehow at some point. Probably end up taking time off just to sort things out in the house. I have booked a weekend away to visit my friends in Spain end of June - so something to look forward to.
I had a bit of an upset at work last week as there is a reorganisation in progress (again!). My manager discussed where she was planning to place me in the new org which was a layer down in the hierarchy. That upset me especially as I'd had a discussion with her the previous week to say that since I worked on the Olympics I feel like I have been overlooked. She assured my I had not and that the strategic programme I was working on was recognised as being highly complex. She said she expected our conversation to be difficult - so I wonder if she thought I would just be accepting ? Well I wasn't and said I was disappointed and demotivated. To give her credit she has since looked for other opportunities for me. Both however mean moving to another manager - that would be six in two years! Both roles are new (one to be determined if it will be created still) giving me lots of opportunity to create which I love. However one of the jobs would be reporting to a manager in West London. I don't want to have to be based there or have to travel there daily so not sure about it. But it would take me a layer up in the organisation. Decisions decisions - I hate this one in particular as if I go for this role I probably will have to stop some of my theatre activities. The theatre group are very important to me and have helped me (mostly) through the last two years, so I am reluctant to lose that. I'm going to have to decide soon.... sigh....
I found some more people recently who didn't know about my husband leaving me - when will that stop?
Its a year for weddings with two in September and one in November - sad thing is I'll be on my own....
I do hope we continue to get the sunshine and warmer weather as it makes me happier.
Sunday, 31 March 2013
Third Easter since he left
In theory I could have the Decree Absolute now (as from Friday) but the finance side of things are still not sorted and the cost of the solicitors is getting higher ! My husband is still being fair having written to his solicitors to tell them he doesn't want any part of my pension. I really could do with this finishing now as it is constantly on my mind :-( I have already paid him a sixth of what he is asking for and he admitted to me yesterday that he hasn't saved any of it.
Recently I have had loads of lovely comments about my weight loss. It does make me feel great and I am determined to meet my target. So far I have lost just over four stone but I've treated myself to a chocolate egg this Easter so probably will put a little on this week. It is actually quite amusing when people don't recognise me - which happened three times last Saturday.
This is the third Easter since my husband left me for the manipulating ***** and I have been pretty much alone this weekend. I find myself very torn as whilst I enjoy being with people I find it easier to just stay in alone. Sad isn't it. I just cant be bothered sometimes to make an effort.
I managed to finish my very last OU assignment and all being well I will find out around June whether I have my degree and what classification. Its a bit weird not having to study ! But I plan to use the time once I have finished the two shows I am in to do more photography.
I had thought to try and arrange a holiday for me this weekend but I am so indecisive and can't decide what to do. Everything I fancy is so expensive - part of me says so what treat yourself and part of me thinks I can't afford to spend so much on one holiday.
In conversations with others they have asked if I would have my husband back still - and the answer is yes - I still love him and miss him terribly.
I did a bit of DIY this weekend - managed to get the handle back on the door and sand down some furniture the cat has been scratching - I was quite proud of myself :-)
I'm really enjoying my dancing at the moment and walking around my work site every day. I do need more exercise - dancing/walking as I'm not keen on the gym. Something to work on......
Recently I have had loads of lovely comments about my weight loss. It does make me feel great and I am determined to meet my target. So far I have lost just over four stone but I've treated myself to a chocolate egg this Easter so probably will put a little on this week. It is actually quite amusing when people don't recognise me - which happened three times last Saturday.
This is the third Easter since my husband left me for the manipulating ***** and I have been pretty much alone this weekend. I find myself very torn as whilst I enjoy being with people I find it easier to just stay in alone. Sad isn't it. I just cant be bothered sometimes to make an effort.
I managed to finish my very last OU assignment and all being well I will find out around June whether I have my degree and what classification. Its a bit weird not having to study ! But I plan to use the time once I have finished the two shows I am in to do more photography.
I had thought to try and arrange a holiday for me this weekend but I am so indecisive and can't decide what to do. Everything I fancy is so expensive - part of me says so what treat yourself and part of me thinks I can't afford to spend so much on one holiday.
In conversations with others they have asked if I would have my husband back still - and the answer is yes - I still love him and miss him terribly.
I did a bit of DIY this weekend - managed to get the handle back on the door and sand down some furniture the cat has been scratching - I was quite proud of myself :-)
I'm really enjoying my dancing at the moment and walking around my work site every day. I do need more exercise - dancing/walking as I'm not keen on the gym. Something to work on......
Sunday, 10 March 2013
Only a few more weeks....
I got a letter from the solicitor confirming the Decree Nici was agreed on 14th Feb. if all is agreed around the finances then the Decree Absolute goes through on 29th March. Good Friday and 19 days from today :-(
It's been a month since I last wrote, so what has happened since .....
I've been working hard and late and out in the evenings at rehearsals, dance class, drama workshop and I've just started a few singing lessons to try and improve that too. So I'm busy busy in the week but weekends still tend to be me alone. Last Saturday I worked behind the bar serving coffee for the theatre groups book sale. I quite enjoy being behind the bar - I guess it's because I get to talk to folk.
This last week has been more hectic as I was in the US on business from Sunday to Thursday and then went on the Photography weekend Friday to today in Dorset. The weather wasn't great but it was a nice group of people and I learnt a lot. I've got a cold now probably down to the jet lag combined with 4:30am starts the last two days. I'm so glad I have a day off work tomorrow to catch up on things.
Weight wise I have now lost 3 stone and 9 pounds but after this weekend which included a lovely meal for Mother's Day made by my daughters i'll be lucky if I stay the same. I fear I will put on....
However I'm getting loads of nice comments including being called 'hot' and 'fit' !! I want to try and lose another two if I can and my target is the two weddings I have invites for in September. I'd like to have lost another stone by the show at the beginning of June first.
My daughter and I have signed up for the race for life in July. So something to aim for. I actually thought I was much fitter but the big hills I had to walk up and down these last two days were knackering. I expect to feel it in the legs tomorrow.
My youngest daughter has decided to get a pet hedgehog ( the African Pygmy type). I'm not too sure about it but she is going to have it in her room and it seems to not need too much attention. I wonder what the cats will make of it. Anyhow that comes the beginning of April.
I've been trying to figure out what to do for a holiday this year. I just don't know what to do. Loads of ideas but I'm so indecisive and everything seems so expensive for one. I'll probably not sort anything and then wonder why I have so much holiday left at work !
And emotionally how am I? Still get tears when talking about my husband leaving me and going through divorce. So not there yet. It's best I keep busy so I can't think about it and the less I see or hear from him the better too.
It's been a month since I last wrote, so what has happened since .....
I've been working hard and late and out in the evenings at rehearsals, dance class, drama workshop and I've just started a few singing lessons to try and improve that too. So I'm busy busy in the week but weekends still tend to be me alone. Last Saturday I worked behind the bar serving coffee for the theatre groups book sale. I quite enjoy being behind the bar - I guess it's because I get to talk to folk.
This last week has been more hectic as I was in the US on business from Sunday to Thursday and then went on the Photography weekend Friday to today in Dorset. The weather wasn't great but it was a nice group of people and I learnt a lot. I've got a cold now probably down to the jet lag combined with 4:30am starts the last two days. I'm so glad I have a day off work tomorrow to catch up on things.
Weight wise I have now lost 3 stone and 9 pounds but after this weekend which included a lovely meal for Mother's Day made by my daughters i'll be lucky if I stay the same. I fear I will put on....
However I'm getting loads of nice comments including being called 'hot' and 'fit' !! I want to try and lose another two if I can and my target is the two weddings I have invites for in September. I'd like to have lost another stone by the show at the beginning of June first.
My daughter and I have signed up for the race for life in July. So something to aim for. I actually thought I was much fitter but the big hills I had to walk up and down these last two days were knackering. I expect to feel it in the legs tomorrow.
My youngest daughter has decided to get a pet hedgehog ( the African Pygmy type). I'm not too sure about it but she is going to have it in her room and it seems to not need too much attention. I wonder what the cats will make of it. Anyhow that comes the beginning of April.
I've been trying to figure out what to do for a holiday this year. I just don't know what to do. Loads of ideas but I'm so indecisive and everything seems so expensive for one. I'll probably not sort anything and then wonder why I have so much holiday left at work !
And emotionally how am I? Still get tears when talking about my husband leaving me and going through divorce. So not there yet. It's best I keep busy so I can't think about it and the less I see or hear from him the better too.
Sunday, 10 February 2013
Plodding along
Well here I am alone, chilling and doing nothing again for another weekend. I just can't be bothered :-( I'm doing a lot of TV watching which I have never done before - what's happened to me ? I seem to have gone from hating being alone to its too much hassle to socialise. I do feel lonely still especially going to bed at night and getting up in the morning alone.
I started another set of counselling this week and on the way there thought that maybe I didn't really need it - boy was I wrong........ I still have loads of pent up emotion and sadness and feel very mixed up. I think I am moving on but tiny tiny baby steps. My husband came over not long after having been at the counselling session to take me through the letter he had got from his solicitor and to ask for money to pay the solicitor - all coming off the settlement. He noted he was back in debt again despite me giving him a large sum of money just before Christmas. He is still being very reasonable thankfully - I still miss his companionship and love him. I have come to the conclusion that I will always love him and will just have to learn to live this way.
Yesterday I went shopping with one of my daughters and managed to get into clothes a size smaller :-) I even bought something from Top Shop which I have never been able to do - only a little thing but it made me happy. I am smaller now that I have been for over 20 years !
My youngest daughter has another job now after being out of work for a month. She has decided that she is going back to study in September and so will be living with me supporting her for the next four years. It'll be nice knowing I still have one of my daughters around for a bit longer. My oldest daughter is taking about moving out with her boyfriend next year.
We've had some house dramas this week - on Monday my daughter left the bath to run and over flow. It came through the ceiling and light fittings. As I was at rehearsal they tried to get hold of me but as they couldn't they managed to get one of their friends who is an electrician over to sort out the electrics while clearing up the water. It doesn't look like there is too much damage thankfully. And then on Friday the kitchen door wouldn't open. I eventually managed to open it by taking the handle off and using a screwdriver to turn the mechanism. The barrel is broken. I've bought a new set to put on but no surprise its not that easy so at the moment I have a door with no handle. Luckily we don't need to shut the door !
Not looking forward to next week - valentines day ........
I started another set of counselling this week and on the way there thought that maybe I didn't really need it - boy was I wrong........ I still have loads of pent up emotion and sadness and feel very mixed up. I think I am moving on but tiny tiny baby steps. My husband came over not long after having been at the counselling session to take me through the letter he had got from his solicitor and to ask for money to pay the solicitor - all coming off the settlement. He noted he was back in debt again despite me giving him a large sum of money just before Christmas. He is still being very reasonable thankfully - I still miss his companionship and love him. I have come to the conclusion that I will always love him and will just have to learn to live this way.
Yesterday I went shopping with one of my daughters and managed to get into clothes a size smaller :-) I even bought something from Top Shop which I have never been able to do - only a little thing but it made me happy. I am smaller now that I have been for over 20 years !
My youngest daughter has another job now after being out of work for a month. She has decided that she is going back to study in September and so will be living with me supporting her for the next four years. It'll be nice knowing I still have one of my daughters around for a bit longer. My oldest daughter is taking about moving out with her boyfriend next year.
We've had some house dramas this week - on Monday my daughter left the bath to run and over flow. It came through the ceiling and light fittings. As I was at rehearsal they tried to get hold of me but as they couldn't they managed to get one of their friends who is an electrician over to sort out the electrics while clearing up the water. It doesn't look like there is too much damage thankfully. And then on Friday the kitchen door wouldn't open. I eventually managed to open it by taking the handle off and using a screwdriver to turn the mechanism. The barrel is broken. I've bought a new set to put on but no surprise its not that easy so at the moment I have a door with no handle. Luckily we don't need to shut the door !
Not looking forward to next week - valentines day ........
Thursday, 31 January 2013
Decree Nici ?
I received a call from my husband telling me he had received a letter from the court saying that the hearing for the divorce will be on 14th Feb ....... I need to contact my solicitor as I haven't heard anything yet ! Im assuming this is for the decree nici. What a day for that to be on ! Valentines day will mean something different to me in the future. I'm still concerned about how this is going to end up , even though my husband is being very reasonable about what he says he wants my solicitor says the court could order something else if they consider it unfair. I'm very nervous and won't be able to relax until the decree absolute comes through. I have a feeling that my husband will get re married to the manipulating ***** probably because she wants it. She's not stupid as she knows it will give her protection.
On the positive side I have now lost nearly 3.5 stone in weight and am loving the nice comments I am getting from people and the fact I can now wear smaller clothes. I'm going to try and lose another 2.5 to 3 stone.
Also just passed another OU module so now on the home run for completing my degree. Two assignments and an end of course assessment to go - no exam thankfully :-)
I'm currently enjoying the theatre group as the individuals that realty make it not very nice are not doing the two shows I am in. I'm with some lovely folk :-)
Work is very busy but I seem to be being appreciated and enjoying the programmes I am leading. I feel more engaged again and have more of the old me back.
I also decided I wanted to do something of value that I can use my Psychology knowledge and give me an opportunity to meet new people. I've applied for a lay advisor role (voluntary) on a strategy board and have an interview next week. So we'll see....
I'm looking forward to my photography weekend in March. A bit worried that the jet lag I will have from being in the US on business the week leading up to it will be a problem especially as I will be having to get up at around 5:30 in the mornings !
No idea what I will do for holiday this year. I belong to Groupon and wowcher and all these great holiday baks are coming up but they are always for two people. Everything is aimed at couples - singles always lose out and that sucks.
On the positive side I have now lost nearly 3.5 stone in weight and am loving the nice comments I am getting from people and the fact I can now wear smaller clothes. I'm going to try and lose another 2.5 to 3 stone.
Also just passed another OU module so now on the home run for completing my degree. Two assignments and an end of course assessment to go - no exam thankfully :-)
I'm currently enjoying the theatre group as the individuals that realty make it not very nice are not doing the two shows I am in. I'm with some lovely folk :-)
Work is very busy but I seem to be being appreciated and enjoying the programmes I am leading. I feel more engaged again and have more of the old me back.
I also decided I wanted to do something of value that I can use my Psychology knowledge and give me an opportunity to meet new people. I've applied for a lay advisor role (voluntary) on a strategy board and have an interview next week. So we'll see....
I'm looking forward to my photography weekend in March. A bit worried that the jet lag I will have from being in the US on business the week leading up to it will be a problem especially as I will be having to get up at around 5:30 in the mornings !
No idea what I will do for holiday this year. I belong to Groupon and wowcher and all these great holiday baks are coming up but they are always for two people. Everything is aimed at couples - singles always lose out and that sucks.
Thursday, 3 January 2013
Petition for Divorce issued
I've just received an email from the solicitor telling me that the Petition for Divorce was issued by the court on 27th December 2012 and what the next steps areI know I need to move on but after nearly two years I still don't want this. I fear every letter and email I receive from the Solicitor and this one made me shake and cry, I'm terrified of the whole process and know it is going to be very painful :-(
Tuesday, 1 January 2013
A new year with a positive mind
Believe it or not it is almost two years since my husband left me for the manipulating ***** - doesn't time fly ! Do I still love him ?.................yes ............... I've tried time and again to feel hate but I can't. I'm learning to accept the situation and be on my own. However I am finding that I have to force myself to do things and go out otherwise I would just stay in all the time. I want to do so much but it is so much effort doing it alone :-( I do think that I am quite a social person and do enjoy others company.
BUT I am determined to have a great 2013. I've lost three stone in weight so far and am aiming to lose another three by the summer. I want to get fitter by doing another dance class. Other things for 2013 - finish my degree, spend more time travelling and taking photos. I'd also like to get back into my craft making and get some singing lessons to learn how to control my voice better.
I need to work out what I'm going to do for holiday this year - I'll definitely visit my friends in Spain again and hope to visit my cousins in Germany. I have a photography weekend booked in March and am looking forward to that. I also want to try and visit the theatre once a month.
The one thing I am not looking forward to is going through the divorce. I know it is the right thing to do but I feel though I have been forced into it - maybe it will give me some closure ?
BUT I am determined to have a great 2013. I've lost three stone in weight so far and am aiming to lose another three by the summer. I want to get fitter by doing another dance class. Other things for 2013 - finish my degree, spend more time travelling and taking photos. I'd also like to get back into my craft making and get some singing lessons to learn how to control my voice better.
I need to work out what I'm going to do for holiday this year - I'll definitely visit my friends in Spain again and hope to visit my cousins in Germany. I have a photography weekend booked in March and am looking forward to that. I also want to try and visit the theatre once a month.
The one thing I am not looking forward to is going through the divorce. I know it is the right thing to do but I feel though I have been forced into it - maybe it will give me some closure ?
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