Not a good week so far

I'm so glad it is Friday tomorrow as I have not had a good week. Monday was the start of the Music Hall which a friend and I are supposed to be directing. I say supposed as everyone was giving us 'advise' and being totally selfish and opinionated. I threw a complete wobbly and left. That is not something I would normally do but I couldn't bear it anymore. I felt down already and this was just the final straw. A couple of good friends tried to help and it was good to talk, but I still feel down about it especially as one individual did insist on continuing to give 'advise' on Wednesday at our next rehearsal. Rightly or wrongly with the mood I am in I was not ready to listen and in fact it led me to be more stubborn about what we wanted to do. I know that is not the right attitude and in fact it is again out of character for me - but I've had enough..... my emotions are running high again.

Today I decided to catch up on a couple of back episodes of Casualty. I sat and cried through them both - there were so many reminders of things in my life particularly to do with my faith or rather the fact I don't have any, any more.

My youngest daughter almost gave me a counselling session this evening. We were doing some icing of cup cakes together for a fund raiser on Saturday when we got talking and she quite rightly told me I was miserable and needed to find something to do that would make me happy. She also suggested finding a 'companion' ! I acknowledge that I am miserable and negative and I pointed out to her that I know all of that in my head - its just I can't get my feelings to match.

Its been nearly 10 months since he left and I would still have him back. I'm finding it harder and harder to find positives in my life - I thought it was supposed to get better over time ? For me it just feels like it is getting worse :-(

The exam is over

Today I had my OU exam and what a disaster ! I couldn't concentrate or remember anything even though I had  revised somewhat. You never can revise enough can you. I think I've probably scraped enough marks to get a resit but don't know if I will have enough to pass. Someone suggested that I put in a special circumstances form, but the problem is you need some hard evidence and I don't have any. The resukts don't come through until December, so I have a bit of a wait now.  It was interesting to note that my husband wished me good luck for the first night of the show tonight but didn't say anything about the exam.

The first night seemed to go OK. I have no idea how I came across on stage. I normally get nervous before a show but once again I am just going through the motions. Something I have realised is that I don't seem to feel anything - my emotions appear to be numbed :-(

The plan now is to read some of my novels and try and catch up on some things and start to clear out some of my rooms in the house. I'll sign up for the next OU course in December.

Oh well off to bed now as I have a full day of meetings tomorrow at work.

I miss my mum

I've been away again on business this week at a conference on a cruise ship. It was a busy three days but also quite pleasant. I still find it very hard when folk talk about their partners. The one thing I have realised is that my husband and I were so close and never joked or said anything negative about each other to anyone. Unlike many folk who use the wife/husband stereotype jokes about their partners, Does that mean our marriage was odd ? I think that is why I am finding it so hard - we really were so very close in many ways - was that unhealthy ?

My daughter had a problem with her car mirror and so I asked my husband to help her sort it out - there was an ulterior motive and that was to get them talking again. It seemed to have worked, She agreed to be a friend on fb with him again - and the mirror was fixed. He also volunteered to take the rubbish around the side of the house to the dump. There was loads of it so I expected he would take a few bits but I was surprised when I got home that he had cleared it all !

I went to a wedding reception last night and some guy was rather suggestive. I have no idea how to handle that except to joke. Again I felt quite out of it as people were having fun with their partners. I feel so awkward now and beginning to not want to bother to go out. I do enjoy being with people but find myself becoming more reclusive - oh god I am so miserable and horrible to be with.

I am in heavy revision mode as my exam is on Wednesday. I am so looking forward to next Sunday, when the exam is over and the show is over. I can then spend some time doing other things like reading some novels. At least until mid January.

I'm not looking forward to my birthday at all this year - it will be so very very different. I've decided to go out for a meal and see if any friends want to come with me. So I've sent a fb invite and will mention it to a few others. I have no idea if folk will want to bother. I did consider inviting my husband - but wonder if that would be too odd ?  I have always celebrated my birthday since I was a child. When my mum died it was not the same as we used to go out for lunch, and now with my husband gone I have no one really to make it special :-( I'm sure the girls will try, but they are both at work during the day. I might just have to book a massage and some pampering for myself and buy myself a present. I hate feeling alone and sooo miss my mum <sob>.

A hard day

I've found today really hard. Trying not to think of my husband and him enjoying his 50th birthday with her :-( I've tried to keep busy but it's been upping in and out of my head all day. I woke up this morning with two sets of bruises on my arms again. One in a similar place to before and the other on the upper inside of my arm. Am I doing this to myself in my sleep ? I also feel a bit invisible - no one has noticed or at least mentioned my new hair colour. I've gone from blond to brown so I would have thought it was noticeable! Maybe it is awful and no one wants to say. I've now gone from the bloated feeling back to the sick feeling. I was also reflecting on whether I have had any truly happy times since he left. The answer is yes on the surface but not true inner happiness. Aside from that I am missing the companionship and someone to share things with - good and bad. I do try and share with the girls sometimes but I'm not sure they understand and I dont want to burden them especially the youngest as she is going through her own angst and in some ways rebellion. I can so do without that right now. It is now nearly 1 30 am and my daughter is still out and I am still awake :-( too much to do and not enough hours........

I feel guilty again :-(

Tomorrow is my husbands 50th birthday. I didn't know quite what to do with regards to a card and present. So I asked a few friends. The consensus was a card from the three of us was OK but no present. Anyhow he came around yesterday to pick up post and a TV that I had replaced and he asked to have the old one. I told him I hadn't got him a present. He said that was fine but that he was planning on getting me one for my birthday in November. So now I feel so guilty in not getting something for him.

Also over the last week I realised I still miss and want his back. So much for being told that I wouldn't after a while. Its over 10 months since he left and I still want him back..... I am obviously so much still in denial :-( My head knows it all but my heart is not aligned in any way.

I am currently busy with work and trying (very unsuccessfully) to revise for my exam in just over a week, After that I will have some time on my hands. If I'm not busy and with people I fear I will become reclusive. I already find it hard to go anywhere on my own besides work, home and the theatre group. I have to work myself up to go to any shops - its a big effort.

In my studying I have been reading about 'the working self' which includes active models of self. And the premise is that you will access knowledge most directly related to your current goals. As I don't appear to be able to make any decisions and hence have no goals - that would explain why I feel like a dimwit at the moment. My memory is rubbish and I can't concentrate. It doesn't bode well for my exam in a week and a half :-(

Oh and I don't know what is going on with the health thing either. I only had breakfast and then a meal in the evening yesterday - homemade macaroni mince which was yummy - but I as the evening went on I got more and more bloated and couldn't breathe very well. I still felt like that when I woke up so didn't eat anything till around 5pm and now I am bloated again. Also I have a great big bruise on the inside of my upper arm again. It looks like two finger marks. I would go to the doctor but its all so inconsistent and so I have nothing to pin anything on.

I feel and am coming over as so negative - I HATE THIS - I am normally a very forward looking positive person. My health seems to be suffering too. The manipulating ***** and my husband have turned me into a useless gibbering wreck with no positive goals or outlook ..............................

More worry

Its been another very up and down week. I'm so stressed at work, but I managed to speak to my new boss and explain that if I was going to lead the strategic programme he had to trust me and stop trying to control things. It seems he may have heard and accepted the message, so I am hopeful. Despite this I have too much to do. I have a hectic week ahead but plan to have Friday as holiday from work so I can chill and also get on with my revision.  I have just over two weeks left to revise and not a lot is going in as my head is so full of stuff.

We had our choir concert on Friday in which I sang a duet with the MD. I was sooo nervous but have had some really good feedback so happy and hope that will boost my confidence a bit more in my singing. I need to find another opportunity to sing solo or duet soon otherwise it will go again. I think after my exam I might start singing lessons to try and improve further. Sadly the choir looks like it will as a minimum have a break - but realistically I'm not sure it will continue.

My youngest daughter confided in me that she smoked. She says it is only the odd roll up when with others who smoke. I asked when she started and she said when her dad left. Another impact on the family that he and that manipulating ***** have had. Also she has a new bunch of friends one of whom works shifts so she has recently been going out in the early hours of the morning and not getting back till sometime between 4 and 6am. I am worried sick about her and what she may be getting up to. Last night she didn't come home at all - at the time of writing she is still not home. I eventually got a text after sending her two texts, leaving a phone message and asking her sister to see if she can speak to her. But I am very very concerned this is the start of something not good and that it will affect her work, prospects, sleep, eating etc.. Hopefully I will be wrong.

It is so hard trying to be positive and smiley at the moment. When people ask how I am I can't lie so I say - coping. But really - I'm not sure if I am coping very well, I'm still very tearful but don't want to bother folk as they must be getting fed up with me being like this. In my head I know what I need to do - in my heart I can't. What will help me to move on even in little steps ?