I think I might be getting my Mojo back :-)

Well the last few months have been interesting......

I decided to treat myself to two things a trip to Rome for my birthday and redoing my dining room for Christmas. Both are done now :-)

Rome was a lovely city and quite overwhelming as no matter where you looked you saw something historic. I loved the Colosseum best and was disappointed at the Vatican City. But after many years of wanting to go have finally been. I wanted to go for a special birthday but my ex didn't think he would fit the seats on the plane so we didn't go :-( Despite it being a lovely city it was quite eventful... we got there during the worst rainstorm they have ever had - the sky was biblically black in the day and the water literally poured down along with hailstones. Because their drainage system is not up to it the water was coming up through the manholes in the airport ! The next evening whilst walking to dinner one of the group (I went with a solos holiday group) had their handbag snatched by someone on a moped. Poor lady - she was in her 70s and lost load of things but thankfully not her passport. Then the following day one of the group had their wallet stolen on the metro but two boys probably no more than 10 and 14 years old. If that wasn't enough that same evening on route to another dinner we got caught in the middle of a fight between a waiter and a customer. Luckily no one was badly hurt but a few of us were fallen on or pushed. Finally on the last day I managed to damage the pins on  my camera so it couldn't read my storage card. Luckily I had my small camera with me too.

The dining room project has been a feat of timing and hard work - pretty much all on my own. I decided that as the room hadn't been touched for over 20 years it was time to re do it, so I completely emptied it - gave the furniture away (that was a challenge !), had it redecorated, the radiator fixed so it heated up, replaced the carpet, got new furniture which I spent ages putting together and new blinds Then I had to put everything back into the cupboards. Getting everything timed in order and arranging all the bits was a managed project. But as I sit here now it is all done and looks lovely :-) Proud of myself for getting this done. I also had the ensuite re done  about two months ago as the shower was leaking and needed replacing. That is nice as it again looks different.

Some of the things I decided to get rid of - some being memories of the past (some I am still holding onto - maybe I should get rid if them?) and went with my friends to a car boot sale. I sold some bits but have quite a bit left for a future boot sale.

Work has been better over the last few months but there is a bit org change now happening and most of my projects have been put on hold. I've got just enough work to keep me ticking along, but I'm no where as busy as I am used to. I'll need something else next year otherwise I will be twiddling my thumbs. I must say I am pretty chilled about this reorg as I don't mind if I am made redundant. Or maybe an exciting new opportunity will come up.

The one thing that has happened recently that has given my self esteem and confidence a huge boost is being offered to present a radio programme. After having been on a programme to publicise a recent show that I was in, I had a real buzz from it and I kept trying to understand why. In the end I contacted the producer and asked if there was anything I could do to help - expecting it to be backroom stuff. After going in to chat about this with the producer, he asked whether I would like to present a show ! He said that I would be great - well I was so surprised but thought it would be fab to give it a go. Anyhow to cut a long story short - I am going to present with one of my young friends and we start in January with a 70s show. I'm so excited :-D

Yesterday I picked my youngest daughter up from uni and today we put the Christmas decorations up - feels a little more like Christmas now. I am however shattered as I have been up since 8am and have been on the go non stop without any food for 11 hours ! I had some head shots done by a photographer friend. I didn't recognise myself in the photos they are amazing.

Oh I forgot to mention I also had solar panels fitted - its so cool to know I am producing my own electricity during the day :-) And I am going to a Clubbercise and tap class at the moment - makes me feel so energised. The Clubbercise is done in the dark with disco lights and glow sticks - how cool is that !

I'm also trying to plan my holiday to Peru and the Galapagos Islands for next year. Only problem is it is proving to be much more expensive than I expected.

Christmas will be a quiet one this year with just the girls and me - though I know their dad will want to drop in to give them gifts. I'm not really looking forward to that.

Anyhow I feel so much more positive at the moment and am starting to make the house mine rather than what it was when my ex and I were here. My weight is still in target and I feel pretty fit.

I've been forgotten....

It has been most interesting to see who has commented or asked me how I am since the news of his engagement. It's two weeks now and in that time I had two immediate messages from friends ( not close ones), one saying very nice things about me and the other saying they know what I am like and to keep my chin up. Then over the week various other friends close and not so close asked me how I was. Some of my 'friends' whim I have known for a long time have said nothing.....
What has really hurt is the fact that friends have happily congratulating him forgetting that I am still hurting.

I also discovered my brother in law ( is that what I still call him?) had come down from where he lives to go to the manipulating ******* 50th birthday party and hadn't told me he was around. I also discovered my other sister in law has unfriended me from fb. I now know that they have discarded me from the family....I only have my girls now and my youngest sister in law who is also my god daughter is the only one still in touch ( oh and his aunt).  This makes me feel more and more alone :-(

She continues to manipulate

it happened today.... My ex and the manipulating b**** got engaged on his birthday. This is what she has wanted from day one. The manipulation continues she had blocked both my daughters from facebook and suddenly she has unblocked them. Next step will be to try and befriend them, because they are nearly 'family'.

I'm so upset ......he has told me to move on with my life, but I've just realised that I was holding out hope he may leave her and come back. That is so much harder to do once they commit to each other. Another knock back. Who would want someone of my age ? I've only ever had one person all my life - I don't know how to do this. How do I move on? Sadly I've had some very negative thoughts again tonight - this has set me back loads again. I'm lying here in bed alone crying my eyes out.

My daughters both said they would stay with me, but I don't want them to see me upset. I feel I have to be strong for them, but inside I'm a mess. I don't think anyone really knows how I feel and how much I am hurting inside still after nearly four years.

Life goes on, you plod through it, act happy but really I don't feel much happiness anymore, not for me anyhow.

To top it all my oldest daughters boyfriend broke up with her a couple of weeks ago after three years together. I want to help her but she doesn't want to talk about it so I feel helpless.

I'm so stuck :-(

Time to delete him from Facebook

Well here we are a week before my youngest daughter goes to university. She is so excited :-) Today she went for a drink with her father before she leaves. He confirmed the 'engagement' and doing it in October - I'm guessing for her birthday (50th I think) which is in October. If so again very thoughtless as we got engaged on my 21st birthday. Apparently they plan to get married in four years time. I think I have decided to unfriend him on Facebook now. I don't think I can bear to see the 'announcement' on there. Why does this all make me so sad and tearful after nearly four years ?

I am once again feeling very left out and alone - friends have their lives to live and have their own needs and problems. I fear that I will be finding myself very alone in the coming months :-(

My daughters and I had a lovely day yesterday at a spa as a treat - I enjoyed that :-)

Marriage

It's been nearly three months since I wrote and I'm am towards the end of a lovely week away with good friends, I'm still a bit in limbo land ......

I have a new set of projects at work which I am sort of enjoying - it's been a long time!

Recently my youngest daughter was quite upset at seeing that her dad had taken the manipulating b****** youngest son to see Eminem at Wembley. These tickets are £80+ a ticket and he gave her £20 for her recent birthday. She said it made her feel like she was now a lower priority. I approached him about this and he had the nerve to get cross !! He said the girls make No effort to keep in touch with him.... I pointed out it was him who left us not the other way around. He tried calling me at work to have a go and then called both the girls one who was on holiday in Croatia.  My youngest told him how it made her feel so they agreed to catch up more often.

So here I am on holiday and I get these texts from the girls asking when I'll be back exactly and then told by my youngest that she needs to talk to me as soon as I get back. After a few texts back and forth I'm getting worried about what.... I suddenly thought - I bet he's getting re married. Anyhow my daughter eventually calls to tell me that he is planning to get engaged at the end of the year and he was not going to mention it to me, which I guess he doesn't have to. However he left it to our daughter to decide whether to tell me or not. I'm so cross - how dare he leave that responsibility with her, what a coward !! She tells me that she and my other daughter don't approve and that it's too early. They support me and won't go to any wedding. I'm so sad and so cross all mixed up together. The only thankful thing is my daughter asked about the name as we have a hyphenated name made up of mine and his . My dad would turn in his grave to have HER take on his name. My ex husband said he will go back to his maiden name. At least he has the decency to do that as he knows how upset that would make me. I knew as soon as I heard her husband had finally agreed to divorce that they would plan to marry soon after. This is completely coming from her - more manipulation - it's all she ever wanted. I hate her so much - I hope karma will come and she will suffer badly one day to make up for her scheming nasty manipualitive being.

My lovely friends took me out for a drink and I got drunk for the first time in ages.

Otherwise not much has happened for me. I am still surviving and ambling along best I can.

May 2014

So here we are nearly in the middle of May 2014. My husband left me for the manipulating ***** three years and four months ago. I am still taking two steps forward and one big one back everyday. Whilst I try and live life to the full, I still miss him and resent her. I still sleep on my side of our king size bed and have only recently bought a new eiderdown to replace the one we had for years.

I still don't know what  my future holds or where I am going - confusion and uncertainty reign. The thing I am most not looking forward to now is my youngest daughter leaving to go to university. I am so pleased for her and hope it takes her to where she wants to go in her life, but I will miss our regular chats and her very sensible logical thinking.

I am Most definitely menopausal now as I am getting a number of the symptoms. Whilst I don't get moody I do find I am getting down for no apparent reason. I started to think a lot about how I feel the way I have been and why people commit suicide and came to the conclusion it is down to two things : not feeling wanted or belonging and hope. When I feel particularly down it is because these are both absent. I can imagine if you have neither for a prolonged time you would see no point in living.

Some good things.....I have maintained my target weight loss, I formally graduate at the end of this month, I enjoy my walking, I potentially have a holiday arranged with good friends  but I still do not have anything new to do at work so am just about to start twiddling my fingers and right now I have a rotten cold and I have a show next week.....could be worse I guess. Well my ex husband is coming to see the show with HER. Not sure how that will affect me as I'm sure I will spot them in the audience :-(

Three years and three months

Its been nearly three years and three months since my husband left. I feel I am taking two steps forward and one back. I did start a Happy Jar in January to capture good things to look back on.

There are good changes and things but also emotionally I'm still not right. Over the last few weeks I have felt very down most of the time. I can't put my finger on why apart from work perhaps.

Things haven't changed much since I last wrote except that my programme manager has got a new job and is moving off next week. This has meant that I will be closing my programme down sooner rather than later and passing half of the work off to other folk. I really hate going into the office now preferring to work from home, but I can't do that all the time. I long for my weekends now and hate it when Sunday evening comes around.

I have been asked to follow up a possible opportunity with someone whom I am talking to next week. I get the sense they don't really know what to do with me. That doesn't make me feel good. I spoke with my SVP about how I feel and all he could say was 'I don't know what to do'. I explained my concern about the individuals who have influence over my career and he said he would watch out for that bad behaviour. I do trust he will, but what to do if they haven't a role for me. Redundancy is very appealing especially as I recently have had three head hunters contact me. I don't expect anything will come from them, but interesting that they thought I had valuable experience. I really need to decide what I want to do as I have so much going around and around my head.I think I fancy moving into a portfolio of roles so that I can also do some of the things I really enjoy.

My youngest daughter has decided to go into Nursing and was offered an interview at all five universities she applied to. She didn't go o one as she already had four offers. She has decided to go to a university in London and plans to live there which means she will be moving out in September. I am very proud of her as she has been offered a place at Kings College London. However I will miss her terribly. My older daughter whilst still living at home spends most of her weekends and the odd evening at her boyfriends so I will be on my own even more.

I have over the last few weeks had three men individually tell me I look younger than my years by about 10 years. That is nice to be told.

In January I joined a walking group and really enjoy walking as I meet new people, get some exercise and it gives me a chance to take photographs. I've also started courses on a freebie site called FutureLearn. So far I have down one on Forensic Science, Cancer and Branding. The branding one was fascinating. One of the things it discussed was about branding yourself. I will have a go at that to help me decide what to do.

My husband is still being 'nice' to me though he doesn't really contact me very much. The latest is he complained about two mobile insurances that have been taken from my account monthly for years after the phones were no longer in use. They were both in his name. His last letter of complaint has led to them promising to send two cheques for the over payment plus interest. It really confuses me when he does things like this..... he also asked me not to pay him £2000 of the money I owe him and to keep that by for the girls when they get married as a gift from him. He wanted me to do that as he knows he won't be able to save the money.

I'm still trying to decide what to do for holiday this year. I have a weekend planned with my good friends in Spain, a visit to the Edinburgh fringe to see the youth group at my theatre club perform and to enjoy some more productions. The nice thing is my younger daughter and boyfriend are coming with me. And then I have a wedding in Stratford upon Avon. I've taken the opportunity to spend a couple of extra days to visit the area. However I want to go abroad somewhere different too.

Today was mothers day and I was on my own for quite a lot of it. I felt very sad about this :-(

I need to find some personal direction and a purpose for me ................