Moments

I've just got back from a business trip to the USA. Whilst it was very tiring and now I have jet lag to work through it also got me thinking a lot. I had quite a few moments during the week where I was able to think more clearly and actually felt like me as I was - energised and competent again. It felt good :-) We did an exercise where we had to draw our life plan, turn offs, turn ons and things we do to relax.  For my life plan I put me at a crossroads not knowing where I am going. One of the others made a statement that I have been musing over since. She said that we only have one life so she is determined that she was going to be happy. The manipulating ***** has taken that away from me - how dare she ! I've since been thinking about things I can do that will make me happy - but I keep stumbling as I would have to do most of them on my own and I'm wondering how much enjoyment I would get from that ?

At the moment I have no holiday plans - with work the way it is I'm not sure I'll be able to do much until September - and then I'll have around 30 days to use up by the end of the year...... October looks like it will be super busy with two business trips, a show, a week away with a friend and my exam. I'm not sure that they are all going to fit together - something will clash !

I've been looking at trips away to do photography in Ireland and fancy going to Sonisphere - but once again have no one to go with. I can't really go and stand at a concert for two- three days on my own - how sorry would that be. I wanted to go to the cinema to see 'Woman in Black' but when I said that to my daughter she said ' you can't go on your own!', so I haven't seen it :-(

My eldest daughter is off travelling for two months in under two weeks time - I will miss her and also worry that she is OK. My youngest is job hunting. She got through to the second interview but didn't get the first one she tried for. She has two interviews next week for two other jobs - fingers crossed.

On the theatre front I am busy with learning songs for an EXPO we are performing at at the end of March and due to start preparing for a one off performance of 'Titanic the musical' on the 100th anniversary of its sinking. I'll be re performing the part that I did when we did it before. With the other show that I was so upset about not getting a certain part(s), someone has dropped out and there is an opportunity to audition again. My cold which the cough is still with me was very bad during the auditions. I don't know why I didn't get a part and I'd like to re audition - but I'm scared to as I am afraid of how it may impact me again. Should I try or not ?

Finally in an attempt to get fitter and to kick start me I'm going to get a personal trainer to come around to the house weekly with a tailored programme. I don't know if it will work, but it is probably worth a try :-)

Being Single

One of the topics I've just read for my ou was about being single. It was very thought provoking and made me think a lot about my situation. It particularly picked up on the fact that being single in our culture is hard to accept both by the individual and society. We expect people to be a couple. This is why I think I am finding it all so hard. I am so torn about what I want vs what should be.

I had an interesting discussion with one of my daughters who said I shouldn't let the fact that my husband ( her dad) is no longer with me dictate who I am. I should be me and do what I want. Two things occur to me regarding this. Firstly when you have been with someone since you were eighteen they become your life, you grow up with each other, you influence each other and you become like each other - so what is the real me ? A friend sad I should find my own things and make changes so I am not in the same environment etc. that I was with my husband. That is so hard to do because if I step away from the theatre group which is really the only thing I have left and where most of my friends are, then I will be even more lonely than I am now. In fact I am going through a low energy can't be bothered with anything stage. It scares me that I still have thoughts about how I could end it all. Could I do it - woud I do it ? I can see why folk do.

Secondly, I feel guilty doing anything for me. My mum always put others before herself and I have always dne the same. It seems so selfish doing things for me or just relaxing and doing nothing. How can I change that when it is ingrained in your soul ?

I've also tried to think about what I really like and what I would want to do. So far I have come up with the following - I want to travel more, I want to go to nice places and do more photography, I want to dance more, I want to lose weight and get fitter, I want to learn to sing better, I want to finish my psychology degree and maybe put it to use, I want more massages and learn to be ale to just chill and enjoy it. On top of that what I want more than anything is for both my girls to have what they want in life and to find a good friend I can trust totally and who would want to go and do things with me.

I have felt so exhausted recently - I want my energy back. I'm off to the us on business again tomorrow. I have to say I'm not looking forward to it - it's going to be a hard week :-(

So far 2012 hasn't been all that positive

I had another very emotional week last week. Feeling a failure and that everyone hates me. I am sure that I am alienating everyone. People are getting fed up with me being so emotional. It just feels again that no matter what I do I get a smack in the face. I thought 2012 would be better and I had planned to be so positive, but if anything it is worse. I have no energy, can't be bothered about anything, can't motivate myself and just going through the motions with tears flowing a lot of the time. Does, has anyone else felt like this for so long ? As I've said everyone has ear own problems and their own lives to lead and I get that. However I feel so lonely, unloved and unatractive. The girls are out often and as I have only a small part in the next show, have no rehersals this week. I have my assignment to write but am struggling to build up the enthusiasm to do anything. I'm going to bed earlier that I have ever done on a regular basis. I'm off to the US on business net week. That will be a hard week with no time out to do anything. I had dinner with a few friends on Saturday, oh I do miss the company and someone to talk to. I had planned a few trips this year but they are all unsure so I don't know what will happen. I wanted to go to the cinema this week but have no one to go with. I said to my daughter I was going to go on my own, she was shocked. I'm also thinking of booking myself on a holiday on my own. Maybe to Ireland. I'm definitely becoming reclusive as I can't be bothered to go out. Ive also started comfort eating which I have never done before. Won't be good for the diabetes :-( oh shit what have I turned into ............ One positive thing to note, my youngest daughter got called back or a second interview for a job she is owing to. They told her that she did a brilliant interview :-) I'm so pleased for her. That was the first excitement I have felt so far this year.

I'm all washed up

Its just gone 4:30am and I can't sleep. All that keeps going through my mind is what a failure I am. Think I need to sort my finances out so I can be sure the girls get anything I leave and not the manipulating ***** and then it's time for me to go. I can't stand this hurt in so many parts of my life anymore. Ive cried so much over the last year and it doesnt stop. I am obviously not wanted , discarded. People are just being nice to me. I never thought I would end up being the victim :-(

Please can something good happen ?

It's been another stressful week at work, a lonely week at home and to top it all I got ill. On Thursday night I was really poorly with a temperature of over 100*C. The last time I can remember being that ill was when I was 18. I was on my own as both the girls had gone out. It is very scary being ill when you are on your own and no one to really care about hw you feel or to bring you a drink etc. I'm better now in that I haven't got a temperature but I'm still full of cold and don't have my voice as such. Today were the auditions for the local theatre groups show in May. I couldn't audition properly with my rubbish voice and not really feeling all that. I didn't get any of the parts I wanted and am totally gutted. Time to hang up my shoes I think. I'm struggling with all this rejection and no one to talk to about it. No one to cuddle and give me good advice etc. I'm trying to be cheery and positive but finding it hard, just feels like another kick in the teeth. To top it all I came home to a messy kitchen left by my daughter that I ad to clean up and she says to me - why are you looking so fed up - maybe you should give up the society if it keeps upsetting you. She's right to a point but it's the one thing I ave left hat hasn't really changed much. I'm going to have to have a serious think about it. I need some happy times ........