Last post of the year

I am writing this at 11:30pm whilst in the bath. I am spending the last hours of 2011 on my own. In fact I have been on my own since 9pm as both the girls have gone away for the evening. The manipulating ***** and my husband are partying at a fancy dress party. That says it all really. I did get a couple of kind invites to folks houses but somehow I just didn't feel like being with people tonight. I did spend an hour on a virtual new years eve party called at shaker and spoke to some strangers in the USA. I made one female friend :-) I haven't had any alcohol - don't feel like it so have just eaten a plate of oven chips and had a cup of tea. Now I'm off to bed. I think this is the first time in my life that I have been on my own on new years eve :-( I thought I would recap as much of the last year as I can.... Bad : The manipulating ***** luring my husband away from me My husband falling for it and going Ups and downs with my daughter Car problems , expensive ones Cat fleas leading to have to delta the whole house Heating breaking down Drain pipe getting blocked and flooding the utility room Too many strategic programmes at work super stressing me - worst I have experienced in my life Health - bloating ( still unresolved), knees causing problems, bad back Having to give up being a school governor after 20 years Insensitive folk at my theatre group Losing my faith and leaving church and all I was involved in No one to share all this with Good : Having two wonderful daughters His family being understanding My wonderful friends - I don't know how I would have got through this year without them My daughter graduating Passing my psychology module exam - a miracle ! a lovely holiday with one friend and then a super fun weekend with others Meeting some lovely new ladies on holiday and at my ou residential Getting my old boss back in the new year and passing one of the strategic programmes on Singing solo at a show for sheltered housing and being told I did it well - some of my singing confidence has come back There are probably things I have forgotten ..... What will 2012 bring - who knows but I hope it's better than the last year. Happy new year to anyone reading this x

Christmas musings

Its the day after Boxing day and I've managed to get through the last few days. But despite my wonderful family and friends making sure I'm OK, I've felt so lonely inside.I still feel empty and that there is something missing in my life.

Christmas Eve was spent with my girls and my eldest's boyfriend. We had a lovely meal together and opened some presents. They then went out for the evening and I went to my local pub where the karaoke was going on. A friend who has also split up with their partner this year came along and we chatted for the evening - it was nice to have someone to talk to.

Christmas Day my girls and I went to the in laws. My husband was there for some of the time but left before lunch was served. Everything was 'as normal' but it felt very odd having my husband and I giving separate presents to everyone. Being completely unattached - it hurt..... We stayed till early evening and then came home and played on the Wii whilst drinking Champagne. However neither of the girls or I drink much so we just had a glass each. We played Just Dance 2 and I discovered I had real problems breathing. I've got a cough and am wheezing when exerting myself  - again not good.... I'm so unfit.... something to do something about in 2012.

Boxing Day the girls and I had our own Christmas meal. I felt pretty rough - the bloating feeling again so had to just chill for a while before going out to spend the evening with some great friends. We chatted, played games and ate. It was lovely.

Today is a chill day - doing not very much. Not an easy thing for me to do. I stayed in bed watching a video till 2pm - found that quite hard !

Strangely enough the one thing I actually did enjoy doing was feeding a friends cats on Christmas Day and Boxing Day morning. I guess it made me feel wanted......something I don't feel most of the time.

No excitement at all

Well its the day before Christmas Eve. I usually love Christmas but have just been going through the motions this year. I've been on my own quite a lot this week and the mind keeps wandering again and tears flowing. Why can't it even start to feel better ?

Today has been busy doing the housework, shopping delivered, present wrapping, ironing and so on. I didn't sit down till around 6pm. I have been feeling really tired the last few days - I was going to the pub tonight but really can't be bothered :-(

The good news is I had my scan first thing this morning and the technician said she couldn't see anything amiss. So good there is nothing major - not so good as the bloating is still unexplained - probably stress.....

My daughters car is still being fixed, we won't get it back till after Christmas now. Its going to be a huge bill - I don't know if I made the right decision. Its hard not having someone to make these kind of decisions with. I asked a load of friends after the event and had mixed responses. I'm beginning to think we should have scrapped it and bought another - I guess I'll have to put that down to experience - an expensive mistake :-(

My knee which was so painful at the beginning of the week is much better but still not completely better. I hope by resting it, it will improve further.

Only nine more days till 2012 - I am hoping and trying to work out how I can make it a better year for me....

Ouch in more ways than one

Well so it goes on. Had a bit of a downer again today. Started off in good spirits but I seem to have done something to the back of my knee. It is so painful and I can't bend it. I took my car in for it's mot and service and the water pump bearings have gone so had to leave the car to have it fixed tomorrow. That'll be another £250 before Christmas :-( luckily they had a courtesy car for me to use which is actually a rather nice car - may consider changing my car to it in a year or two - more economical and nippy. Anyhow I decided to post the neighbours Xmas cards and one of the neighbours whom I haven't spoken to since it all happened came to the door and asked how I was doing. I just burst into tears. Why can't I move on ? My husband then dropped by to put up the external Xmas lights. He again mentioned that he had no money. I asked if she was working and surprise surprise she is not. He said that if she was earning then they have to have their benefits stopped and reassessed which would mean they would be weeks without money. What a stupid excuse ! She doesn't want to work..... I had to make a comment about the fact that she in particular was taking the **** . I am so not feeling Christmassy and fear I won't :-( I want to go to the midnight mass on Christmas eve but know I couldn't get through it without crying. At the moment I have no idea what I will be doing on Christmas eve when the girls go out nor on New years eve. Hopefully something will come up. Please please let 2012 be a better year......

What a week that was ..........

So much has happened since I last posted. My daughter had an accident in her car last Sunday in the early hours but didn't tell me till she got up mid afternoon. After a good friend came around to have a look we took it to quik fit only to discover that it was not safe to drive. She had bent the wishbone and damaged the sub frame. It is going to cost 2500 pounds to fix. It was so hard to decide what to do on my own. It is an old car but I only recently had to get all the brakes done. Do I scrap it and go for another car or do I get it fixed ? I've gone with getting it fixed - but have I made the right decision? I had to get my husband involved as my daughter was giving me a hard time about scrapping it.

On Tuesday my boss decided to slag me off in front of my peers when he thought I wasn't on the telephone. I got an apologetic voice message from him but his behaviour was out of order. And then I had a wierd end of year review with him talking more about my past work rather than working with him. Thankfully I am moving back to the team and boss I was with before and one of the programmes ( the one the difficult boss was sponsoring) has been passed to someone else, so I can now concentrate on just the two strategic programmes.

Then on weds I discovered that the cats had fleas. I'm bitten all over and because of that and my daughters car I haven't been eating or sleeping properly :-( I've spent today stripping the beds and de flea ing the house. But I'm sitting in bed and I'm still itching. I hope that it is psychological and not fleas who have survived....... My back is killing me due to he work involved. I'm not convinced the flea stuff has actually eliminated the fleas from our black cat :-( so they are currently banned from my room.

Thursday I sang solo for the first time in a little show a few of us did for a sheltered housing place. Apparently I did ok !

Today I got back late after helping and participating in a FUNd raising evening with the theatre group. I think we raised nearly £2000.

The gils put up the tree and decorated it. They have gone for a white and silver scheme.

Finally I got my blood tests back on tuesday - all was ok bar the glucose and they had forgotten to do the CA125 so I have to go back next week. I have my scan on Friday and then have a octors appt mid jan.

Please let 2012 be a better year ! I am officially off work now till jan, but have to work on tuesday....

Got a busy week planned next week - I hope it's a better one !

An eventful couple of days

The last couple of days have been stressful but with good news at the end. 

Yesterday I got in from work and discovered the house freezing cold. The heating was not working and all the radiators were stone cold. After a lot of fiddling with the thermostat and timer I had no luck so got our tiny heater out and put it on to try and warm the house up. On top of that the internet was not working :-(

So I was on the phone to British gas homecare and managed to arrange to get the engineer over this afternoon. Unfortunately I had a friends leaving lunch between 12 and 2 and the engineer was due to come from 12.  One of my very good friends offered to come and sit in the house so I could attend the meal - how kind. Anyhow I called British Gas back this morning and a very nice man arranged to have the engineer come after 1, so I managed to get to most of the meal.  I accidently left the heating switched on last night and woke up this morning to a warm house.......at some point last night the heating came on, that was so odd. The engineer came and put a new value in which apparently was not working properly. So fingers crossed it is fixed.

With the internet after a call to virgin media to reset the IP address, I had to reset the wireless modem to its factory settings and do a bit of fiddling and thankfully got it working again.

I went to give blood this morning and will get the results next week - I hope all is ok.....

I had a lovely lunch with my friend (and other work colleagues) who didn't know about my situation - so once again I had to hold it together when explaining. Whilst I am getting better I still have to fight back the tears. She thought it would take around two years to get over the emotional aspects. When talking to her I realised it has been a year since he told me he was leaving me and I'm still an emotional wreck :-(

And then when back from lunch I got a ping from an OU friend to say that our results were up. Tentatively I went to my record and was gobsmacked to find out that I had passed ! I cried with relief. I didn't get as good a mark as I was hoping to get, but I was closer than I expected and didn't just get a pass. I have no idea how this happened!!!

So now I am sitting here in a warm house with the internet and relieved to know I have passed my exam - what a difference a day can make !

Oh and I forgot to mention in my last post that I managed to smack my eye with the edge of the car door leaving me with a cut and bruised eye - ouch.

I am a failure

Well my boss told me on Friday that someone else is going to pick up one of the strategic programmes I am currently running. I have a sense of relief but also failure. I like a challenge and feel like I have been unsuccessful. Is that true or was I put into a difficult situation ? Whilst it was flattering to be the only one with two strategic programmes plus the Olympic work it was never realistic for anyone to manage all three. I wonder if my management will see that or just think I failed? So now what ? Well I still have the Olympic work and an interesting programme to run so hopefully that will mean I can go back to working more sensible hours after christmas. I will probably also go back to my old boss and team.

What a crap year this has been all around. I hope that I can move on in 2012 and start to enjoy my life again.

I went to the doctors and have a fasting blood test next week. I am also waiting for an appointment for a scan. I'm a bit scared in case they find something,,,,,

Only two weeks at work nd then a long needed break for two weeks. I can't wait !

I think I need to try and spend some time clearing some stuff out of the house.

My exam result is due in the next two weeks. I'm dreading that as I think I have failed and will have to resist next year. Will just be the final straw in one of the worst years of my life. I've not had anyone to discuss the work thing with. I miss that :-(