No purpose

I really feel like I have no purpose in life any more - that along with no identity doesn't leave much. I don't really feel like I belong anymore. Even when at work or at my theatre group I kind of feel different and separate. Its odd as I didn't feel that before but I do now. I used to like to be different - but now it makes me feel like I shouldn't be there, so I tend to quietly slope off as soon as I can. When I keep myself busy I manage to keep myself together, so that's what I have done today. The highlight being cooking dinner together with my daughter. I'm now watching x-factor and my daughter is going out so I'll be on my own again as my other daughter is in Leeds this weekend. I have some plans to keep myself busy tomorrow - so we'll see. I still really miss the companionship of someone. Someone to talk to about how I feel and whom I can trust fully and to be able to go and do fun things with. Looks like I'll be doing it on my own now - not quite the same :-(

Painful plodding

I'm on my own again tonight. How much more down can one feel. I can't be bothered with anything - even changing the toilet roll - I have to force myself to do everything. If I had more courage I would end it all now. I feel betrayed and used - is this what being totally depressed and lonely feels like ? I think everyone believes I should be moving on and over it. Maybe I should, but I'm not and I still can't see any future - just plodding my way through each day - painfully - but falsely smiling.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZjf9C6atT4

More tears :-(

I discovered this post in my drafts - it was from April......

It's not been a good evening. I'm feeling so low and empty again. I had tears down the theatre tonight. Everyone was so nice to me. I'm so lucky that so many people care.

The MD saw that I was not right. She said she had been thinking about me all day and that she had a feeling all was not right. I think she is an angel really.

My husband came to see the show. It was weird talking to him in public. I ended up leaving quickly as I could feel myself welling up.

When I looked at him I felt nothing. What does that mean ? I've thought about taking my wedding ring off but I'm scared. Sounds stupid doesn't it ?

No Identity

I'm in a bit of a state I think. I'm overwhelmed at work and home. I can't concentrate or sleep properly I have not been feeling particularly well the last few weeks and can't pin point why. Its all bits and bobs - sort of a cold, sort of a stomach problem but no one thing that seems to have an end. I'm tired all the time and feel sick a lot. And I now can't be bothered with anything.

I am away on business again and really really didn't want to go. I have more work away trips in the next few weeks. I know I am miserable and being negative but don't care any more.

I'm in a coaching training masterclass and when I signed up I was looking forward to it. But now I am doing it I wish I wasn't. Everyone on the course seems so confident. I feel like a useless person and have no confidence. I looked around the room and thought how everyone has purpose in their life most of them with wedding rings on, so in relationships. We talked about identity today and then I relalised that is what I don't have any more. I then had to try hard to hold it together. I'm not sitting in a rubbish hotel room typing this whilst crying my eyes out. I have no identity - I am no one.

I hate what the manipulating ***** has done to me - she has won :-( Him and her are playing happy families and don't care a **** what they have done. I don't think I can cope any more.

Sigh

I'm still feeling down :-( I've pretty much spent the whole weekend on my own and I think that doesn't help. I do feel lonely and when my friends are not around and the girls are out I feel so alone. I don't have my mum and dad any more, no brothers or sisters and no husband.

At the moment I feel sick after eating most things. I'm going to have to try and work out what it is - beginning to think it may be bread :-( And I feel useless at everything at the moment - I need to be locked away and throw the key away. Maybe I should just go away somewhere and never come back.

I'm so not looking forward to work tomorrow. I have no enthusiasm for anything :-(

:-(

I am so down and sad and lonely. Life sucks :-(

How can I move on ?

Oh boy......I really thought I was moving forward....... I'm still finding folk who don't know about my husband leaving me. Someone asked me at work on Friday how he was. I felt the tears come and had to try so hard to hold them back. And then my brother in laws wife asked me how I was and I felt I had to tell her what really happened as I don't think she (or my brother in law I guess) really knew. These two events made me realise how much I still miss him :-( I started to think again about being on my own as I get older and having no one to share things good and bad with. The girls live here and we do see each other but we all live very separate lives. I've suggested a girlie evening in together and they have said yes, I just need to find a time we can all do it!

Work is still overwhelming and very challenging. I do like a challenge but I'm having to work a longer day and so I am rushing around all the time and not getting enough sleep which I am finding very unsatisfying. I'm also starting to comfort eat which is not doing me any good.

All these things combined made me recognise how I am really not enjoying my life experience at the moment. Yes there are moments usually when with friends that I feel good.

I particularly enjoyed being with friends doing a simple very quickly rehearsed show for the caravan and camping club in a tent in a field. I enjoy the outdoors and was thinking that maybe that is something I should do more of. I could possibly combine the photography with it too. I need to finish my OU degree first and then maybe....

Tonight I went to the start of the governors meeting as I was asked to. I was very touched as they had bought me some presents and said thank you. I had tears again and was speechless.  But what really got me was the lovely messages from each governor. I sat at home and cried my eyes out again. It was the right thing at the moment to step down, but I didn't realise what people thought of me. I'm so sad  and angry that I was forced into the situation of having to step down. I don't like to be beaten, but had to admit to myself that something had to stop.

One good thing today - I got my mark for my last assignment back - this is one that counts as 20% of the final exam mark. I managed to get a pass 1 :-) So happy with that. So this weekend I need to write the last assignment and get down to revising for the exam on 19th October.

Feeling very unattractive

I really don't feel great - so tired and drained plus I have some more bruises on my arm again. I think I may be brewing something not good :-( I'm also feeling very unattractive and can't be bothered to do anything about it. Also feeling sad again and have had a few tears. I deleted the almost 500 text messages that my husband had sent me since January. That works out at over 60 a month, however most of those were in the first few months after he left. I haven't had many in August. I had a lovely chat with one of my friends I don't see often. We agreed we would try and meet more often. I hope we do. Whilst I would like to move on sooner I think I need to do a whole year and get through birthdays coming up including his 50 th, my diabetes and my birthdays plus a very different Christmas and new year. I'm hoping 2012 will be much improved

Eight months

Tomorrow will be eight months since my husband left the family home and Tuesday will be nine months since he told me he was leaving me. So how do I feel now ? Very cheated ....... and still miss him. The tears still come unexpectedly and whilst its not as often as before I still find it difficult to concentrate on one thing. As soon as I try my mind wonders. Doing my OU this year has been so hard not only because it is a higher level course but because it takes so much effort to get absorbed and not let my mind start to think about him and the manipulating *****. On the plus side I can do pretty much what I want now, though I do feel guilty if I am out a lot and don't see my daughters. Anyhow recently I have felt the need to spend a little more time at home as I have been away a lot.

I am very relieved that I made the decision to give up being a school governor. That has taken one thing off my mind.

I was saddened to have to cancel the murder/mystery weekend my husband had booked for us and a couple we are friends with. The friends decided they didn't want to go. I would have gone...... and taken my daughter.

I feel a bit like a loose end now and maybe people feel awkward with me being on my own. Every time someone talks about their partner/husband/boyfriend my heart sinks. It feels socially unacceptable to be single and almost like there is something wrong with me that I do not have a significant other. I don't want that to subconsciously make me want someone just for the sake of it. My mind is still very mixed up :-(

That kick up the backside is still needed as I cannot get the enthusiasm to sort anything out - I am still tootling along just living each day as it comes with no plans or ability to change things. I am getting used to my own company the only problem is it gives me time to think and usually ends up with tears.

I am very grateful to my friends who helped me make my summer break enjoyable and not a complete wash out. My trip to Santorini was lovely and I definitely want to go back. Last weekend I went to Wales with four friends and we had a fabulous time. They made sure I was part of the group and we did various things together. Only once did I feel a little sad in that they were two couples with each other to talk to and hug - I had my camera, so took photos.......

My eldest daughter met my husband for a drink yesterday for the first time since he left. So far she hasn't really said very much except it was ok. My husband just rang about something regarding some information we received in the post on pensions and said they spent about 45 mins talking and it was nice. Some part of me felt upset about them meeting - don't know why........

Special occasions are starting to creep up - my husbands 50th in October, my daughters and my birthday and of course Christmas - I am dreading them all, so need to find something positive to do for each occasion. No idea what I should do re my husband's 50th - do I send him a card ?