Six years ago the exit was in progress

So here I am on Christmas morning sitting alone in the house. My girls are meeting with their father this morning. It feels very weird and I'm feeling sad. I need to pull myself together before they come back.

My youngest daughter says I am always so negative and a few days ago she told ne to forget the manipulating ***** and that she shouldn't figure in my head as she is nothing to me. Easier said than done. Whilst I have moved on quite a lot and my lovely friends keep telling me I'm an inspiration and have done so well and so much it still hurts inside. I had a lovely day at the Thursford Christmas Spectacular on Thursday with two great friends. The show was magnificent but I did shed a tear when they sang Christmas Carols as it brought back so much of this time six years ago.I fear that Christmas will always be a little sad for me as it was over December that my ex husband moved out.

Anyhow I've had a fab couple of months - the show I was in was good fun and a great challenge for me with the singing, shame it was not well attended. I was a little hurt that neither of my girls came to see it ;-(

My eldest daughter completed on her flat and slowly moved things in, buying furniture etc. She moved in officially in the middle of November. I think she has found it quite tough and lonely at times. But I am so proud of her she has managed to get on the housing ladder. Her flat is so nice and she has made it very homely :-)

My birthday this year was a bit of a washout. I was alone most of the day and had to travel to the airport in the evening so didn't have long with the girls.

My trip to the Galapagos was amazing - they say whilst you may leave the Galapagos your heart will always be there - how true that is. I did have a challenge at the start of the holiday as my luggage didn't turn up. Thankfully I got it the next day.

The run up to Christmas was great and I had more Christmas meals, coffees and outings than ever before. Lots with the gym girls whom I feel very fortunate to be a part of. So much thanks goes to a friend who introduced me to them and persisted to get me in the crowd. She is going through a difficult time at the moment and I often think of her - my heart goes out to her as I know what it is like especially during the festive period.

I have some lovely lovely friends quite a few who are new this year. But also a couple I have known for a while.

I was so happy yesterday as one of my cousins called me from Germany for a chat. Whilst neither of us speak fluently in each others language we managed a chat and I really think I need to go over to Germany again next year.

We had a nice meal and time together (the girls and the one boyfriend) last night and I was spoilt with lovely presents from them.

On the relationship front - no movement through there are a couple of nice male friends I have. One whom I sing with and the other who I go to the Cinema with. But that is as far as it will go with both of them - friends.....

Well - time to put the Turkey in ready for when the girls get back here. Here's hoping teh rest of the year goes well and that 2017 is even more amazing :-)

xx

Keeping Busy

It's been a couple of months since I last wrote so I thought it time to pen (or type!) something again.
So I've as usual kept myself busy and done loads that I really enjoy. I'm enjoying being a 'lady of leisure' but still need that intellectual challenge.

I have now been voted in officially as a trustee and director of the charity I have joined and am enjoying the company of the other trustees and the staff when I attend meetings etc. They are all such lovely thoughtful people.

I had a great few days in Amsterdam with my daughter and her boyfriend - and yes I did try a brownie - but no it had no effect on me !!

I loved a four day drama course that I did in August - so much fun and I learnt loads. I have a real hang up about my singing so when the musical teacher said I had a fantastic voice it made my year and I think it has really given me so much more confidence to step out and try more singing.

I also was fortunate to be asked to play a small part in the professional outdoor production of a Midsummer Night's Dream that I was helping to produce. I sooo enjoyed it and it was a brilliant experience.

I've been to Leeds Castle and Buckingham Palace in the last few weeks and am enjoying my time at the gym and being welcomed into the gym ladies circle.

Boy ......I have done a lot in the last few months! I am so lucky :-)

I am actually really enjoying life and am happier in myself and being single. I still have challenges and have my down days but it is getting better. Though I know that I am not completely over my ex leaving me for HER.

So what's coming up for me in the next few months ? I am in a show next week where I get to do some singing including a quartet with harmonies - a great challenge :-) I'm directing the next variety show and I have my long awaited trip to the Galapagos Islands - lots to look forward to plus my birthday and Christmas - yay !

Today would have been my 34th wedding anniversary

Wow - its been nearly three months since I last wrote - so what prompted me to write today ? Today would have been my 34th wedding anniversary :-(

Whilst I am happy for my friends who are still in a long term relationship it hurts me every time someone mentions their xx anniversary and how much they love their partner. I know I should be getting over it by now and I have not spoken or seen my ex for a number of months now but unless you have been in a similar situation I dont think you can understand the hurt.

I have had cause to tell two (newish) friends what happened. The first time I ended up sobbing again :-( at least I held it together for the second. Everyone always tells me how brilliantly I have done and how my life is better now and wouldn't be the same if I was still with him - even my daughters say the same.

Yes - I am enjoying doing lots of different things but often these are on my own and it does get lonely. Its not the same when you dont have someone to share or discuss it with. I also hate having to make so many decisions on my own. I'm naturally someone who likes to talk things through. I appreciate having my daughters to do this with - but they are not always there and I don't like to burden them with every thing.

I thought I was doing quite well at being positive but my youngest daughter keeps saying I am still being negative. It is so hard as you want them to be happy and see you happy but when you are still hurting it doesn't always go as you had planned.

I am grateful for what I do have and wouldn't change that for the world, but I would love to share it with someone who wants to be in my company. I want someone to care for me and surprise me and someone to do fun things with. I don't know if that will ever happen again.

So on I continue with my life as it is. I feel something is missing at the moment - not sure what - an intellectual challenge, a companion, more routine ? I feel like I am waiting for something to happen and then feel like I should grasp something and do it........but what ???

Knocked back again

I'm feeling really low today :-( My ex husband married the manipulating *****yesterday and whilst I'm not Facebook friends with him anymore, friends who have been to the wedding are posting photos which I am seeing. I feel sick in my heart and stomach.

A couple of my lovely friends did check on me on Saturday to see I was ok and I did go out for a nice spa day with my beautiful daughters. I was fortunate however to meet up with my ex's aunt and uncle who left the wedding to see me (how kind is that!). It was great to see them again after a number of months and have a chat about all kinds of things.

So yesterday I managed to avoid thinking about it however it really hit me today and I've been alone for quite a bit of the day. I also didn't sleep well last night I think because of the car and the wedding. I also feel a little betrayed by a friend who said she wasn't going and then seemingly did by the photos......

With lots of changes in my and friends circumstances I'm finding that I often feel lonely again.  I'm also starting to not want to do anything apart from sit at home.

On top of all that someone hit my car on Friday night. That is the fourth time my car has been hit by someone since I got it in November. At least this chap opened up to it as the others didn't. I now have three parts of my car damaged ( I had the broken mirror fixed) two of which I'm going to have to pay to have repaired. I hate having to do these things alone ;-(

My daughter keeps pointing out to me all the great things I have done since he left and she is right, but I still hurt inside and this just covers it all up. I know I have to move on but it's so difficult :-(

Not much change.....

Here we are at the end of March and not much has changed since my last post.

The guy I went out for a meal with called me back an suggested going out again. He said he would call to confirm......silence since then - hey ho.....

I held my first Neal's Yard party which was terrifying but I think it went ok. I have another this week so hopefully I will find that easier.

I'm still working through the finances and think I will need to earn a little more. Nothing coming through with the extra work yet so I was contemplating seeing if I can get some psychology work - but have no idea where to start to find anything more ad hoc. I'm also still humming and haaring about the coaching side of things. To be honest I am finding that I don't seem to have my get up and go in the same way. I wonder if I have lost my way somehow :-(

Today I feel poorly - I didn't sleep well last night as my chest hurt and I seem to have acquired a cold that I didn't have any initial signs of. So I'm in bed early and plan to try and have an early night. Oh and now the nose is running and the sneezing has started - rubbish ! I am recording my show tomorrow....

I've also put a little weight on over Christmas and am struggling to grit of - I don't like the way I look at the moment - though my hair looks nice, my nails are breaking and peeling.

I'm in no mans land at the moment - once I feel better I need to take a step back and reflect and find my way. Watch this space.

 

My new life has started

Wow I hadn't realised its nearly two months since I last wrote in here. So what has happened in the last two months ?

I've been made redundant and am now not working. I'm trying to figure out what to do so have been doing a number of things and have a few balls up in the air.

I joined the gym and have been going to a variety of classes - in a good week I'll go to five classes - yoga, body balance, Pilates, dance fitness and my contemporary class. Whilst I have a gym workout planned for me I don't get to do that very often.

In early January I attended the retired staff association's social and it was great to meet so many ex colleagues.

I also have been going to the cinema more, meeting with friends for a cuppa and chat.

The radio show is still on going and things have improved again - I'm chatting to the producer about getting more involved in the day to day running of it. We are currently working towards planning our presence at a business expo in March.

On top of that I have attended meetings for the MAPPA lay advisor role and the new trustee role I am going through the induction for.

I've signed up and been accepted by three extra agencies and am part way through applying to the fourth. Hopefully I'll get some work soon - it should be fun :-) I've also decided to start to build a business around my Neals Yard consultancy - I'm enjoying learning about the products and have my first party next week - scary ! Finally I am prepping for some coaching of young people.

So all in all I am taking it easy but keeping busy. I find myself however not feeling particularly productive..... And I am still waiting for my first pension payment (due end of Feb). I'm still not sure how the money side of things are going to pan out. But having said that I m quite enjoying this lifestyle.

In January I hosted my local drama group's variety show, which even though it was hard work I enjoyed it :-) I'm now n the proces sof co directing and choreographing the next musical Salad Days. We currently haven't been able to cast the show, so unless we get the rest of the roles filled in the next week I don't know if we can continue with the show - at the moment it feels cursed as everything seems to be going wrong !!

On the relationship side I was set up to meet a chap by some friends. We went out and had a lovely meal and chat together. He has suggested that w go out again this weekend - I await a call to say where and when.

My ex is getting married to the manipulating ***** at the end of April. I think he is making a big mistake - but then I guess I would say that...... I contacted him to ask if we could have a cuppa and chat as I wanted to try and get some closure by asking why he felt the need to leave. It's the first time he got a bit nasty and that made me cross. He had the nerve to say it was 'inappropriate to suggest meeting knowing he was due to get married' .....how inappropriate was it for her to start a relationship with my husband !! There are definitely double standards going on here....anyhow he unfriended me on Facebook so I don't see the wedding plans being discussed. Apparently her posts are very urrggghh and sickening.

I don't know if the girls are going to the wedding. One of my friends has said we will go out on the day so I don't think about it and his aunt and uncle who will beep our way for the wedding has suggested we meet up in the evening - it will be lovely to see them again.

I have a busy couple of weeks coming up with a friends wedding, a 40th birthday party, the What's on Stage Awards evening, my first Neal's Yard party and a week holiday in Iceland. Phew ! I'll need a rest after all that - lol