I've just come back from a lovely weekend in Wales with four great friends (thank you if you are reading this xx). They made me feel very welcome as did all the folk we met on the caravan park we were staying on. We had a great time with a boat ride that soaked us all to our skin. It was so funny walking back with wet jeans and knickers!! We had a super bbq with the folk on the caravan site and as we had brought the keyboard with us also had a sing song - it was so much fun. One of the folk got very drunk and called me Sletvana - so I now seem to have a new name - lol !! It was so nice and another chance to chill out before going back to work. I can't wait for the next break.

My husband called me today in the morning and asked me if I was still in Wales and whether I had gone on my own or with someone else. I said I was with friends, but didn't say who. He sounded upset that I didn't. Is it wrong for me to not tell him everything ? I know he still wants to be friends and part of our lives, but I kind of feel that as he left I shouldn't be obliged to give him all the details.

One of my friends from my Santorini holiday shared this quote with me :

 Dance like no one is watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like no one is listening, Live like it's heaven on earth.   Purkey, William

I found a notepad with this on the front so had to buy it. I love the quote and will try to remember it at all times so that it helps me move on.

A new chapter

I'm back today after a wonderful week in Santorini with a girl  friend. The week was spent exploring the island and chilling round the pool and on the beach. We didn't let time dominate us at all and it was lovely. I loved the island, the place we were staying at, the weather, the people, the food etc, etc. I so didn't want to leave and shed a tear as the plane took off. I think I shall have to go back

We met and chatted to so many people. Of these people two sets were pairs of women who had travelled together like my friend and me and one was brave enough to have travelled on her own. All were around my age with children of similar ages and all were in the situation of having had their partners leave them over the last 7 years or less. These women were an inspiration to me. They were so full of life, happy and content with being on their own. We agreed to keep in touch via facebook.

One of the ladies was an angel therapist and told me that there was light shining out of me and that the way I was handling things was the right way. That is the first time someone had said that to me.

I've had time to think while I was away and whilst I still love my husband and think he is generally a good man, I have realised many flaws in him and in me. And I have further confirmed what a manipulating scheming ***** she is.

I can't remember if I told my husband that I was going away or not, but he didn't text me once whilst I was away......

I think it is time to move on now. The trip was the start to a new chapter in my life....

Feeling chilled

Well I have two weeks holiday from work now and am spending a week away with a girlfriend in Santorini starting tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to the break. I went and had a pedicure and bikini wax done today -  I won't tell you which sort :-D  I had a lovely chat with the beautician. She told me what she thought of my husband and particularly the manipulating *****.

I managed to get the most important OU assignment in on Sunday - this one is worth 20% of the examinable component of the final mark. Fingers crossed I get a good mark.

I'm feeling a little more positive now so I hope it lasts. Maybe the tide is turning ? A old friend died on Sunday morning - every time something like that happens I think that I must just try and enjoy my life to the fullest, so starting to get the odd moment of silliness.

Any hoo - catch up with you all when I get back x

So confused

Ok - so you clever people out there tell me what (if anything) I should think about this ......

In December when my husband announced he was leaving me for the manipulating ***** he refused to hug me properly or kiss me on the mouth - he said he couldn't as it wasn't right . He has been to the house over the last two days to get me to sign a form and to give him some money to pay for the vets bill for the dog. Yesterday he gave me a real big hug and today he actively leaned in and gave me a big smacker on the mouth with a hug. What the !!!!

and we go tumbling down again

Once again I seem to be having trouble sleeping. I keep waking up at around 5:30am and have all kinds of thoughts going around my head. I've been doing 10 hour days at work and really feel tired. My back and knee are painful - the back because of lifting and moving heavy things.

My husband came around tonight to get me to sign a form so that he can get another of our bank accounts moved to just my name (this one is one that has money in it from the girls child allowance and which I only use for them). He then went on to tell me how they had no money and could I help with vets fees for the dog. He has finally changed his address to hers and as a consequence of that she has lost her various allowances. I guess that is a sign that he is staying with her. Whilst the post was still coming here I think I probably had some hope in my heart. He is moving on and I'm still stuck. He gave me a big hug as he left and as the Tesco man  arrived as he was leaving I had to try so hard to contain the tears. I now feel really down again - and am on my own as both the girls are out. I feel so sad and the tears are falling fast and furious :-(

It has been a while

A couple of my friends mentioned to me that I hadn't posted anything for a while so I thought I would tonight. I have been so busy at work, with studying and so on I have had late nights and so haven't got around to writing my blog.

My friends continue to be lovely and caring - I don't know if they realise how much they have helped me over the months. I don't think I could have done it without their kindness and support. I just hope I can be there for them in the future.

How do I feel now seven months since he left ? Still very sad. Still hate the manipulating *****. Have I moved on yet ? In some small way yes but I have a long way to go yet. I just about feel like my head has come out from some awful fog and I can think a bit straighter - well at work anyhow. But as another friend says I still over think things. Much has changed in my life and around me with my friends. Coping with so much change at once is really hard.

I'm getting used to being on my own and cry less. My husband still keeps in touch by text. He stopped for a few days after our wedding anniversary but he has started to text more often again. I don't know how I feel about that. I certainly find it easier when he doesn't text or contact me. Still dreading the first time I see them together.

Out of interest I had a look at how many local men were on match.com. A very narrow search brought up pages of them. I couldn't just contact one out of the blue, its just not me.  Would I want a relationship again - I don't really know. But I know if I do it would have to be with someone I know as a friend first. So I don't think it is going to happen anyhow as I can't see anyone wanting me. I don't think I need a man but I am a bit scared of being alone as I get older :-( but then again I come from good strong European stock with parents who survived tough times during the war.

My nails and skin went through another bad patch but seem to be on the mend again. It must be stress related.

I go on holiday for a week in a few days with a girlfriend. I really need the break.

Thinking about my mum

I dreamt of my mum on Monday night. I haven't dreamt of her for ages. I saw her dying of cancer ( as she did) but she was very young maybe in her 20s. She was only 67 when she did die. I was so close to my mum and really miss her at the moment :-( I hate having to be the sole grown up person with no one to support me.

Only 13 days till my week away. I can't wait I so need a break.