Why do people play games ?

Once again I am on empty and feeling emotionally drained. So many people around me are playing political games and getting into cliques. I just want out - I hate my life at the moment :-( Nothing feels good, everything is changing, I'm becoming neurotic, not sleeping again and not eating properly. I hate this roller coaster ride up and down all the time. I don't feel I can trust anyone so I'll just clam up and cry by myself.

I came home from the theatre group today earlier than I should and decided not to go back this evening for choir. I just wanted to sit and cry on my own. But my daughter came home and I don't want to cry in front of them.

I'm going to go and have a bath and bed early tonight - I can't cope again with life.....

Hmmmm

This was on my facebook page today...

On this day of your life, Slava, we believe God wants you to know ... that shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.
	There is no need for you to go it alone. There are people who love you, and who are ready to give you much needed support. There are even more, - way more than you can possibly imagine, people who CAN love you if you give them a chance. Make 'share joy, half the sorrow' your motto for today.

I still feel very alone - not sure who to trust - too many politics and bad attitudes :-(

I've had enough....

I'm angry and very upset. It feels as if the world is conspiring against me and something, someone is shuffling my life like a pack of cards and throwing it up in the air.

I really really want to stop the world and get off of it right now :-( I don't want all this change in one go - I can't take it. Now would be a good time to go to sleep and not wake up.

I thought I was starting to move forward but well, I thought wrong obviously.

I've resigned

After lots of thought and discussion with myself mostly I decided to step down as the chair of governors for the school I was at. I didn't feel I was doing a good job - at least not how I consider I should be doing it. I told the head on Friday and he was very understanding and even gave me a hug. When I left the school I sat in the car and cried. Another sense of loss for me - I have been a school governor for 15 years. I really didn't want to give up but something had to go. I didn't want to give up the theatre group as I have many friends there and that has kept me going over the last months. Without that I would be sat at home on my own almost every night. And I didn't want to give up the studying as I am so close to finishing (another year, maybe two - but that's it). So the only thing left was the school governor :-(

Yesterday on a whim I decided to have a pedicure and my toes nails painted. It does make me feel good when my toes look nice :-)

I'm still finding myself very emotional at times and will start to cry at the drop of a hat. A good friend came around for a chat on Thursday and I found myself in tears again - it all still hurts......

In some ways I am ready to move on and in others I am not. Small steps forwards I guess.

Where are the bruises coming from ?

I think my body is very confused....... I had a wonderful night of dance on Monday with a class followed by two audition pieces (one tap) for our next show. I really thought I was going to ache but I didn't !
On the other hand I have a whole load of bruises on my arms and hands and I don't recall bumping or hitting them. Additioanlly my nails keep breaking, chipping and peeling and I now have either eczema or dermatitis or something on my face - what is going on ??? I'm going to have to keep an eye on it - I'm particularly worried about the bruises :-(

My heart sank

The manipulating ***** is rearing her ugly head everywhere now - it won;t be long I expect until I come face to face with her. My daughter saw her with her mother in the doctors this morning. She thinks she was talking about her to her mother. She wanted to say something to her when she came back out, but never appeared so thinks she escaped via another route ! And then I discovered this evening that she had been to visit my mother in law and my brother in law was also there. He didn't mention that he was coming down so I guess that he had scrubbed me off his contact list. I feel really down now as the manipulating ***** is now starting to infiltrate some of my past and this makes me unsure even more of the future. Slowly bit by bit she is wheedling her way in and I fear I will be pushed out. I am really really scared :-( So much so I'm beginning to think I need to move away and start my life all over again - not sure I can cope with them being so close by. I was always very close to my mum and I miss her so much at the moment. Once again I feel very lonely. What should I do ?

The ring has come off

I've had a bitter sweet week this week.

Work has been very stressful and to top it all my boss has decided to have a face to face meeting with his new leadership team during the week I am due to go on my ou residential - he says he needs to do it soon and the other weeks other people cannot do. That has made me feel very undervalued :-( Normally he is ok and would try and accommodate but for some reason he isn't this time.

We started on the one night Music Hall on Tuesday and the new musical show on Wednesday so lots to do again. I've been bust today trying to get my next OU assignment complete. However I am completely shattered not going to sleep until 4am again.

I did a first yesterday in that I stayed unexpectedly over at a friends house - it was a weird feeling and I didn't really know what to do - I felt so guilty ! I texted the girls to say I wouldn't be home and they seemed ok with it. I think it is so sad that I have got to the age I am at and have never lived dangerously ! I think I will have to do more..... as a friend said I am living the life of a 15 year old. Yes - making up for lost time ...... what shall I do next ??

I took my wedding ring off today - it feels very odd and I have a mark where it was. But maybe this is a way to help me move on ? My husband has texted me a couple of times this week and my eldest daughter saw him working at the cinema for the first time since January. I don't think it was as bad as she feared.

I was very flattered and honoured today in that my daughters boyfriend whose band is finalising their album gave me a first copy to listen to - it is very good and I am hoping that some recording company will take them on. And my daughter bought me a pair of sandals - how kind is that ? 

I am sooo tired after not having much sleep last night I think I'll try and have an early night - I may well be home alone again :-(