Little steps forward but nervous

Hasn't the weather been brilliant over the last few days. Being in the sun makes so much difference to me - makes me happier :-) However I haven't been sleeping well for some reason and am going through a phase of being very tired. I'm finding my energy so low - I hope that is not a sign of getting the diabetes I was borderline with..... I was particularly down on Mothers day last Sunday. My eldest daughter left me a card to open and my youngest gave me a card and a lovely plant. However she slept over at her boyfriends and only came back at around 1pm, stayed for 30 mins and then went out again - I felt so alone and unwanted :-(

I have had some small steps forward over the last two weeks. I managed to find someone to come in every two weeks to help me keep the garden in shape - I love my garden when it is nice and I can sit in it. Only problem is I have an assignment to do and until I have that completed I can't relax. In fact Saturday was the first time since I started my OU that I wanted it to be over :-( Just over a year and then hopefully all being well I will have finished. I also managed to find someone to come and fix my my fence and back gate which has completely fallen off its hinges.

I had a bit of a worry last week as I hadn't heard from my daughter for three days despite me sending her texts and Skype messages. Thankfully she contacted me to say she had been on a boat and had no credit on her phone. Sadly her boyfriend who was also travelling for four months had to come back to the UK on Friday as he got a bite of some sort that he ended up having to have an op on to get the poison out. He was suffering and had to have his leg packed daily, so he managed to get back to the UK on his insurance - thank god for having the insurance.

My youngest daughter completed her apprenticeship last week and had her 'graduation' ceremony on Saturday. I am very proud of her :-) She didn't invite her father so I don't know how he feels about that. Her and  I have been having some good chats recently when she is around. We had a particularly good one when she was drunk ! She has now started a new job with Saga Care and is training this week.

At last I booked my trip to Germany for May. Its a little scary going on my own.......

I had a fun rehearsal for the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas yesterday. I have a small character to play and enjoyed doing the acting and dancing. I worked so hard I was shattered at the end! The Expo was cancelled  which is such a shame as we were sounding good. The next thing I am performing is Titanic the musical on the 14th April which is the 100th anniversary of its sinking. I think it will be an emotional evening - but first I have to learn the words !!

I don't hear much from my husband these days. Such a change from before when he was in contact almost daily. I'm not sure how I feel anymore. Maybe I'm in denial..... I try not to think about it but I'm regularly bumping into people who don't know. Three in the last week. I get the odd glimmer of anger about what he has done and how he has damaged my confidence and self esteem all for that manipulating *****. I also think he must be a coward - if he was unhappy or there was a problem, he could have said anything but he didn't. So either there was nothing or he ran away. I still get the feeling that something will happen from his end - either around money or her. The fact he is quiet is making me very nervous....... and I am getting angry while writing this!!!!!!!!

Sigh !

Sigh - I'm so conflicted. Part of me is getting used to being alone and doing my own thing and part of me wants to have more companionship - is it possible to do both ?

I still find myself in tears if I think about things, I do get the odd moment of anger at my husband for doing this to me. Today I saw his first fb post referring to the manipulating ***** which made me cross as he was referring to something she did that I do too :-( Also he has been posting up (I guess via Spotify) various songs and bands some of which have memories for us together. I so wanted to comment on them but stop myself as I don't want to show myself up. I am feeling very bitter about it all.

I get the odd glimpse now and again of the 'old' me before this happened and that makes me feel good. I hadn't realised how bad it had got especially at work - I feel like it compromised my ability to think clearly and do my job properly. Somehow no one has said anything to me, so either I am covering up well or people are being nice....

I still can't be bothered to do anything a lot of the time. I leave doing things for a long time. I find it hard to make decisions about doing and buying things. There are so many things I need to do to sort bits in the house out. For example I have a hole in the ceiling in the hallway from a water leak Dec 2010. For some reason the back gate fell off its hinges and the fence needs sorting out. Oh to have someone who can sort this all out for me - its hard trying to think and do all of this and more when working long days.

Something positive to look forward to - a friend has booked us a long weekend away to Spain to meet up with some friends who have moved out there. I have to be thankful for the friend who sorted it all out. And I am planning another week away with another friend in October. I still need to work out when I can get out to Germany.

Oh and I won a Photography course :-) It is one I can watch on my PC to improve my knowledge - just need to find time and be bothered to watch it.....

Missing my daughter already....

I hadn't realised how long it has been since the last post. I kept thinking I must post something but I have been so tired lately. I'm not usually tired and feel the need to go to bed early. That worries me - could I now have become diabetic ? My eldest daughter went off on her two months travel yesterday. I took her and her friend to the airport. I know she will have a great time and it's such an experience for her but I already miss her so much :-( My youngest daughter has got herself a job which she starts as soon as her apprenticeship finishes at the end of the month. It is one of the jobs she applied for but not quite in the area she wanted to work in. She will be doing care in the home for elderly folk. They have told her that they will probably train her in dementia care. This is a growing area so a good skill to have. The only concern I have is that it is a zero hours contract, so they don't guarantee work. It's with SAGA care so a reputable company. I did some of my thinking again (dangerous I know !) and came to the conclusion that I am getting to the stage of accepting my situation but still don't like it. I'm in a can't be bothered mood. I keep thinking of all these things I'll do but I can't be bothered to make the effort to do them. the other realisation I had was that the girls and I are three adults living separate lives but in the same house. I still wash and iron all their clothes though! But we rarely do anything together and I've given up trying to make meals for them as they are never around when I am cooking. My youngest daughter has gone vegan to try and loose weight and I've started comfort eating which is not good. I got my first assignment back for the ou module I am doing and got a reasonable mark, so that was good. Work is still madness, I'm looking forward to mid September when hopefully things will start to calm down a little. My husband rarely contacts me anymore and the tone of his texts have changed - much colder than they have been before. I suspect she is influencing him. That does scare me, I feel like i am on tender hooks all the time waiting for something not good. Anyhow I'm off to sleep now as I'm struggling to keep my eyes open :-(