Am I being too reasonable ?

I forgot to mention when I posted the other day that the Doctor said to me that sometimes being reasonable is not the best thing to do. She thinks I am too reasonable - am I ?

Its only just over a week until it will be a year since he told me he was leaving me.

My daughters have both been to lunch with him recently and he asked for more ideas for xmas presents for them as he said he wanted to show he still cares about them. Whilst he is their dad and I am glad that they are talking to him now I kind of feel betrayed. I find it really hard when folk are friendly and chatty with him. I know I said I wanted that - but it hurts so much. Makes me feel so much more lonely. I almost feel betrayed. I don't want folk to fall out with him - but it feels like he has it all again and I am still sad and suffering. I know it is unreasonable and I shouldn't think like that. I think I shall eventually become a recluse as it will be less painful.

Random thoughts

My mind wanders at funny times and just did while changing the bed linen..... Firstly I tend to sleep only on one side of the bed despite having a king size all to myself. So every time I change the bed linen I thnk about the wasted effort putting pillow cases on the pillows on his side of the bed. They are untouched ! Secondly I was reflecting on the Murder on the Nile play I watched last night and the dialogue at the beginning about how one woman had stole another's away from her. It went on to say how weak he was and so on. It very much resonated with me. I wonder if it did for him ?

Work, friends and sad times

So what kind of a week have I had so far ? Most of it has been work with me working late most days. I had a lovely evening at some friends on Monday. I really did have a fab evening. I must work out how to do that more often. Sadly work and life gets in the way. Thursday was spent on the bar at the theatre group with another good friend. I have some wonderful friends - I feel so privileged to have such kind friends. And boy do I need them ! My husband came to see the show when I was on the bar. I still find it hard when I see him, especially down at the theatre group as that was such a big part of our joint lives. I don't know how to talk to him when there. I guess I'm scared that if we are too friendly people will think I have got over him and moved on which would be so far away from the truth. At the end of the evening he came to talk to me about Xmas presents for the girls and we had a long look into each others eyes. He then sat down on his own to drink his drink and looked so lonely. I felt sorry for him - it hurt so much :-( A friend said to me that it is said that it takes half the time you were in a relationship with someone to really get over them. That'll be 15 years for me then..... I finally went to the doctors today about the bloating I have been having. As I was talking to her I burst into tears. She told me that it is not surprising that I am down. It was not depression but something to be expected in the circumstances. I now have a blood test booked and an appointment for a scan to come. If it can just put my mind at rest that would be good. Oh well let's see what the weekend brings. I have my street tap class to look forward to on Sunday but otherwise just catching up. I'm finding I need the downtime more and more now - must be getting old :-(

Its been a while!

Oh my goodness I hadn't realised how long it has been since I wrote anything. So what has happened since I last blogged ?

My birthday came and went. I had some lovely presents from my daughters and friends and from my husband..... The day was quiet but I did go for a massage and for a meal in the evening to which some of my friends came along to. It was a lovely evening :-) I unfortunately had to get up early though to take my daughter to work because her car handbrake had a problem. We called the AA in the next day and they thought it just needed adjusting. However it turned out that all the brakes needed replacing. That made a £662 dent in my credit card. I had to ask my husband to help her sort it out as she needed to go to the garage with it whilst I was in the US. That was a challenge as I had to pay over the phone from the US.

The last week I was in the US travelling on business. Whilst the week was OK it was very tiring with one of the days me getting up at 4am to attend a 5am teleconference and then go into the office at 7am. I didn't get to bed till around 11pm. I found it hard to get out of bed this morning because of the jetlag..... Only four more weeks at work and then I get two weeks off - I can't wait !!!!!!! I really need to start to sort through things and get rid of some stuff. I did do my wardrobe and took over his wardrobe for my summer clothes. To do that I had to clear the rest of his stuff out. I asked him what he wanted me to do with it - he seemed a bit surprised but came and collected the bag as well as his Father Christmas outfit. I shall miss him doing that - I was always so proud of him being Santa.

When on the plane on the way back I watched the film Bridesmaids. The girl in it that was getting married, to me, looked like the manipulating *****. That didn't help me on the journey as my mind started to do the wander again. I felt so sad again.

I went to my street tap class again today and really enjoyed it. Its good to get some exercise while enjoying it :-) I will probably ache tomorrow! And I've signed up for my next OU course which starts in January.

I do still feel very lonely. Even though the girls are here they are often in and out and I'm on my own. I still miss having someone I can talk to about the day and how I'm finding things difficult.

One of the school governors popped around to say hello and see how I was this afternoon - that was nice of him.

And I've started the Christmas present buying. I really didn't know what to buy him - anyhow I have bought some things and can't not give him anything on the day.

I visited my mother in law yesterday and told her I still missed him and would have him back. Anyhow time for bed now - I'll try and not leave it too long till the next post.

Coming out of the depths of depression

At last I feel like I am coming out of the last few very very depressing weeks. It was so bad at times I started to plan how I could end it all. However I couldn't find a way to do it so that either a member of the public or my girls would have to find me and thus affecting them psychologically. Anyhow the last few days I have started to feel a little more like myself. I finally had something positive happen at work on Thursday - and I have some wonderful friends - I really don't know how I would manage without them. I still can't bring myself to just call when I feel down as I don't like to bother people. 

I had a really surreal experience yesterday. I was working from home when the doorbell rang. It was my husband all cheery and with some bags but as I was working and on the phone I had to say I needed to get back. However from the corner of my eye I could see that he had taken his coat off and had wondered into the kitchen and was doing something in there. For one moment it felt like everything had been a big nightmare and it was back to 'normal'.  Anyhow I went into the kitchen and he was unpacking the bags he had. He had brought me a whole load of my favourite German foods and a birthday present (my birthday is next week). I was speechless ! Talk about mixed messages. I didn't know what to say and the tears started to roll after he siad - don't start crying. He told me it was for my birthday as he knows I don't bother with getting things for myself. Considering he is short of money and he only gave our daughter £20 for her birthday this week and I didn't give  him a birthday present - I now feel very guilty. He has a knack of doing this to me :-( What am I supposed to do ??

I had a lovely evening yesterday with friends, probably the best evening I have had for a long time. 

I also love my hairstylist. She has recently been through a breakup with her boyfriend of some years. But she is such a strong young lady with a very mature head. She and my friends have been saying that my husband is doing these things for a number of reasons - guilt, keeping his option opens and so on. I don't believe he is deliberately doing thus - he isn't thinking what he is doing. My hairstylist quite rightly said to me that I wouldn't think he can do anything wrong. 

It is ten months now and I would still have him back.