Today would have been our 33rd wedding anniversary

Today would have been our 33rd wedding anniversary and I'm feeling quite low again :-( I'm scared I'm about to go into another decline - I'm tearful again and feeling alone.

So what has happened since I last wrote ?

I have finished the play I mentioned in my previous post and so enjoyed the part - I just would have liked a week or two more rehearsal as I felt I was really getting into the part by the second to last performance. I'd love the opportunity to do it again.

I've tried the dating sites again and have chatted and met with a few guys but nothing seems to feel right. Most of them have not gone beyond a chat which fizzled out. One I met was 10 years older than he said he was. A very nice man but no spark for me. There was one guy who I really enjoyed meeting and talking to but he today has said he's realised that what he wants is to not have any other women in his life but rather nurture his relationship with his ex whom he is still best friends with. Another I met with last Sunday I've not heard back from. What I have realise is that the time is still not right for me ......

I have felt very let down by some of my close friends recently and again feel the pain of being single.

I seemed to be on the up and getting better but now I feel that I am taking some huge steps back.

I'm enjoying the radio show but we are about to move studio and have a break so I'll have a rest and a gap for a while.

I've booked myself a holiday to Burma at the end of the year - at least something to look forward to.

Work is ..... well...... sigh........ I don't feel that I am being given work appropriate for my grade and capability and am so bored. I flip flop between feeling like I am undervalued and wanting to work on something more to feeling like I have spent the last 36 years at the company working very hard with many long hours and so just let it wash over me and slowly ease out of the organisation.

I'm also unsure about what I will do after being made redundant - I'm scared that I will be unable to manage on the reduced money but have loads of ideas about what I might do. I'm both excited and scared and I have no one to talk to or share this with - I hate having to do this all alone :-(

I'm thankful that my daughters are still living with me, I don't know what I would do if I was alone......

All change again

Well I heard last week that I will be being made redundant from work on 2nd Jan 2016. Because of my age and as I'm on a final salary pension I will have to take my pension. It seems nuts that I will officially be taking my company pension in Januray next year ! I'm going to have to do a lot of thinking to decide what next..... At work I'm still not fully busy and have no idea what I am going to be asked to do. The new organisation is in place from 1st June - I already feel like I have been forgotten.

On the theatre side I've got a part in the next play which I am delighted about and found out today I also have a part in the next musical. Doing both for a few weeks will be change but keep me busy.

Sadly my holiday was cancelled so I'm trying to find an alternative which is proving tricky!

Socially I seem to be an outcast and forgotten now as all my friends do things in couples. Sometimes I am an after thought but not invited first hand to many things, so many of my weekends are quite lonely  :-( because of this I'm finding myself becoming quite reclusive and not going out at all unless it is rehearsals or radio show. It's sad that to start people are helpful and ask you out etc. but as time goes on it is assumed you are ok and just get left. I'm still the same person on my own finding it hard to be alone. I'm getting better being with my own company but still need to be wanted and loved. I know my girls love me but I don't really feel wanted any more. I'm not sure how I will feel when I finally leave work as I will have even less purpose in life.

I think I need to find some new friends, but that is easier said than done :-(

Thinking about the next stage in my life

So its Easter weekend and I've been reflecting on the things I enjoy and how I have a totally muddled mind on what I want to do. My life has changed enormously over the last four years and I feel that there are going to be more changes this year.

I've finally paid off the last payment of the divorce settlement. I am now planning to try and get the rest of the debts left to me to pay off by the end of this year.

The online dating is total rubbish - I am obviously doing something wrong or my photos are not attractive enough.....

I have expressed an interest in redundancy at work. In September I will have been there for 37 years. I don't know if it is due to the other changes in my life or because everyone gets to this point at my age, but I now find that I cannot get excited about much at work anymore. Everything just seems like more of the same, revision of wheels from over the years and very petty sad decisions and policies being made. I understand it is a business but I now feel like I don't belong there any more. I'll find out towards the end of April whether I will get redundancy. I'm sad that I feel this way as I've had so many brilliant opportunities over the years and met and worked with lots of great people. I've learnt loads.

I'm also sadly not really enjoying the theatre group so much any more for similar reasons. I feel sad about this as being there and with folk has helped me over the last few years. But again it is not the same. Whist I understand change has to happen and I usually embrace it - again I'm beginning to feel like I don't belong there anymore :-(

So what do I want ? This is where I can't settle on anything - there is so much I could do and would interest me but I can't figure out which is the right thing for me.....

I know I am really enjoying presenting on the radio and helping behind the scenes. I am learning loads and getting lots of lovely feedback. I guess it makes me feel wanted and I am enjoying the learning and doing something different.

I know I enjoy being out in the countryside, woods etc. being close to nature, out in the sun, taking photos of beautiful things. I've got to try and incorporate that more.

I know I enjoy learning things and want to do more around healthy living and using natural products (herbs, aromatherapy, foods etc.).

I know that I enjoy helping coach and teach people, especially young people - I'm currently mentoring a student on their science project - and really enjoy doing that - again I guess I feel wanted.

I know I'd like to do more with the Pyschology I have studied. A friend has pointed me to a PhD that sounds really interesting - but do I want to study again for a number of years ? It would be cool to be a Dr though :-)

I know I want to travel - there are so many places I want to go to.

I still love dancing and creating new things. I love going to the theatre, especially immersive theatre.

I know I love parties with friends.

I'm sad that I don't have a companion that enjoys, has time or money to do all these things with me. I'm lucky that I have two beautiful daughters and love their company - but they have their own lives and future to plan, so can't expect too much from them.

So my challenge is how do I get all of these things together and plan a path for the future ?? Any ideas anyone ?

Feeling unwanted and stuck

Well here we are four years and almost three months later and I find myself starting to go on a downwards spiral. It seems I am now even more lonely than before :-( Sadly everyone else has moved on and I'm still stuck. I can see now why people who seem to have recovered from something would suddenly out of the blue commit suicide. Every one gathers around. To be there for you when it first happens but recovery takes so much longer and I'm guessing it becomes too much for most friends to hang in there. Being a singleton seems to immediately make you difficult to fit in with couples.

Work has got worse - I have very little to do and despite asking over and over again for some projects/work and making my management aware I am twiddling thumbs nothing is coming my way. I am so bored...... Whilst I understand that we are going through a reorganisation and have to wait for the announcement ( next Thursday) it seems nuts that some folk are sooo busy and others are not. I feel so guilty not having anything to do. I have a gut feel that I am going to be made redundant. And while I think that is what I want I am beginning to worry about becoming a complete recluse with no real friends.

I'm loving the radio programme that I am now doing on my own, but it is very much a solitary thing.

On the whole I feel unwanted and stuck again :-(

I love my daughters dearly and they treated me on Mother's Day this weekend which was lovely. My youngest who is at university in London is planning to come and live at home for her second year. I'm looking forward to that.

Home alone

Wow it's been a whole month since I last wrote anything here. I was home alone on Valentine's day again..... I must admit I got rather fed up with all the lovey Dover stuff that everyone put on facebook. It's all very well folk wanting to declare their live for each other and showing the lovely things they got as presents, but it does make those on their own feel very unwanted :-( I did get flowers from my daughter and her boyfriend a a chocolate rose from my other daughter, but no cards......

So where am I in my life today?

Loving doing the radio show :-) it's given me something new to do and learn, new people to meet and a lot of self esteem. It's lovely to be told I sound good on the radio and today was told I had a sexy voice - lol!!!

Work - well....... I've indicated my wish for redundancy to my boss. I was surprised at how easy it was to say it, but also her reaction suggested to me that it had already been discussed at a senior level! We won't find out the planned changes until end of March early April but if they do let me go, the earliest I would probably leave is towards the end of the year. It's a scary thought but it would mean I could do more with the radio station and other things. I could travel more and also walk more. Sadly with the radio show I'm not able to walk with my group so much. I desperately need to find a way of going for walks. I have found another group but the walks are only once a month.

I took myself off to get accredited with something called Belbin. I really enjoyed doing it and further convinced me I need a change.

At the beginning of the year I started a diary where I am trying to put at least one positive thing in each day - some days it is hard to find something :-(

I found out through my sister in law that my ex husband has a wedding date confirmed for April next year.,that knocked me back a bit. It seems like one daughter thought she might of known and the other was as surprised. So something else to not look forward to...... The ex in laws apart from the one are pretty much ignoring me now. That is hard especially as I pretty much grew up with them.

I've been fortunate to be able to go and see a few shows over the last few weeks.mthat has been nice :-) and I'm dancing again in our next theatre show. I was a little disappointed that I didn't get the part I went for.

I went to a funeral of an old friend from the theatre group my ex and I met in. It was a sad occasion as she was a lovely lady but it was nice meeting with some old friends again.

I had a surprise visit from one of my nephews whom I hadn't seen for over a year - that was lovely :-)

Ho hum well life continues....oh I forgot to mention that the guy I met via the dating site is not really communicating with me anymore. We met twice and he said he'd like to meet again but nothing....I sent him a note to say that was fine but I'd prefer to know and then he sends a friendly email ignoring that. Since I responded a week ago he has not got back to me. I obviously not.very desirable......sigh :-(

Four years

Well it's been over four years now since he left. Before Christmas I was feeling so positive and suddenly I have become hyper sensitive again. I don't know why :-( I feel like I am drifting away from some of my good friends and that worries me as I don't know if it's me or them.....it could be that I started a cold on Christmas Eve and am still suffering form it so it has made me feel down.

I'm loving presenting the radio programme but it now clashes with the walking group so I'm not getting out much. I managed three walks over the Christmas period and I'm still walking around the site at work during lunchtimes, but I need more. I have to sort out how I can fit some walks in.

The radio presenting is a lot of planning and prep before the day, but I am enjoying it and learning lots.

In a mad moment over the break I joined an online dating group and have been chatting to a guy whom I have met with now. He seems very nice and brought flowers for me. Chatting to him is nice as its someone different to chat to.

Work is still troubling me - I really need a change. I think I've come to a point in my life now where it is going to go in a new direction. In some ways it's exciting but also scary.  I loved having two weeks break over Christmas.

My daughter gave us a lovely surprise by turning up unexpectedly on Friday. Lovely to have her around and my other daughter asked if I facied going away for a few days with her. I was so happy for her to ask that :-)

The ex brother in law and his wife sent invites to both my daughters to a party. Whilst I understand why they didn't invite me - it really hurts as they have not spoken to me since he left. I think they now  don't consider me part of the family which is sad having known them for so long.

Sigh .....

I think I might be getting my Mojo back :-)

Well the last few months have been interesting......

I decided to treat myself to two things a trip to Rome for my birthday and redoing my dining room for Christmas. Both are done now :-)

Rome was a lovely city and quite overwhelming as no matter where you looked you saw something historic. I loved the Colosseum best and was disappointed at the Vatican City. But after many years of wanting to go have finally been. I wanted to go for a special birthday but my ex didn't think he would fit the seats on the plane so we didn't go :-( Despite it being a lovely city it was quite eventful... we got there during the worst rainstorm they have ever had - the sky was biblically black in the day and the water literally poured down along with hailstones. Because their drainage system is not up to it the water was coming up through the manholes in the airport ! The next evening whilst walking to dinner one of the group (I went with a solos holiday group) had their handbag snatched by someone on a moped. Poor lady - she was in her 70s and lost load of things but thankfully not her passport. Then the following day one of the group had their wallet stolen on the metro but two boys probably no more than 10 and 14 years old. If that wasn't enough that same evening on route to another dinner we got caught in the middle of a fight between a waiter and a customer. Luckily no one was badly hurt but a few of us were fallen on or pushed. Finally on the last day I managed to damage the pins on  my camera so it couldn't read my storage card. Luckily I had my small camera with me too.

The dining room project has been a feat of timing and hard work - pretty much all on my own. I decided that as the room hadn't been touched for over 20 years it was time to re do it, so I completely emptied it - gave the furniture away (that was a challenge !), had it redecorated, the radiator fixed so it heated up, replaced the carpet, got new furniture which I spent ages putting together and new blinds Then I had to put everything back into the cupboards. Getting everything timed in order and arranging all the bits was a managed project. But as I sit here now it is all done and looks lovely :-) Proud of myself for getting this done. I also had the ensuite re done  about two months ago as the shower was leaking and needed replacing. That is nice as it again looks different.

Some of the things I decided to get rid of - some being memories of the past (some I am still holding onto - maybe I should get rid if them?) and went with my friends to a car boot sale. I sold some bits but have quite a bit left for a future boot sale.

Work has been better over the last few months but there is a bit org change now happening and most of my projects have been put on hold. I've got just enough work to keep me ticking along, but I'm no where as busy as I am used to. I'll need something else next year otherwise I will be twiddling my thumbs. I must say I am pretty chilled about this reorg as I don't mind if I am made redundant. Or maybe an exciting new opportunity will come up.

The one thing that has happened recently that has given my self esteem and confidence a huge boost is being offered to present a radio programme. After having been on a programme to publicise a recent show that I was in, I had a real buzz from it and I kept trying to understand why. In the end I contacted the producer and asked if there was anything I could do to help - expecting it to be backroom stuff. After going in to chat about this with the producer, he asked whether I would like to present a show ! He said that I would be great - well I was so surprised but thought it would be fab to give it a go. Anyhow to cut a long story short - I am going to present with one of my young friends and we start in January with a 70s show. I'm so excited :-D

Yesterday I picked my youngest daughter up from uni and today we put the Christmas decorations up - feels a little more like Christmas now. I am however shattered as I have been up since 8am and have been on the go non stop without any food for 11 hours ! I had some head shots done by a photographer friend. I didn't recognise myself in the photos they are amazing.

Oh I forgot to mention I also had solar panels fitted - its so cool to know I am producing my own electricity during the day :-) And I am going to a Clubbercise and tap class at the moment - makes me feel so energised. The Clubbercise is done in the dark with disco lights and glow sticks - how cool is that !

I'm also trying to plan my holiday to Peru and the Galapagos Islands for next year. Only problem is it is proving to be much more expensive than I expected.

Christmas will be a quiet one this year with just the girls and me - though I know their dad will want to drop in to give them gifts. I'm not really looking forward to that.

Anyhow I feel so much more positive at the moment and am starting to make the house mine rather than what it was when my ex and I were here. My weight is still in target and I feel pretty fit.