Nearly the end of 2015

I had a wonderful holiday in Myanmar - more about this on my separate blog.

I've also had my last day in the office which was the day after I returned from my holiday. I was so unwell I had to drag myself up and it took twice as long to get dressed and out. I hadn't eaten much the day before and didn't fancy anything as the travelling had really upset my digestive system :-(

So I was a little bit in a trance in my last day in. They did a coffee and cake do for three of us leaving.,we each had a cake to cut and take home with us which was lovely. One of the senior leaders did a little talk for each of us. I managed to keep my emotions in check but did shed a tear as I drove off site. It was probably just as well that I was unwell and in a trance like state otherwise I probably would have been in floods of tears - or maybe not and it was absolutely the right decision?

I was disappointed that the three recordings of my new radio show had not been played whilst I was away - I put all that time in to prep and record the shows - apparently it was a technical issue and they wouldn't play :-( of course my lack of confidence in me made me think the producer didn't want to play them......

Anyhow I recorded a Christmas Eve show which went out. I had a wonderful Christmas Eve with the girls and their boyfriends. I went as I have done for the last couple of years to see my friends partner play with his boys at a pub for the evening. They were wonderful as usual but the pub which was different and further away lacked the atmosphere of the other one.

Christmas Day was spent with just my daughters so was much quieter. Their dad came over for a couple of hours in the afternoon. I still find it hard to talk to him, I think as I don't want him to discuss anything we talk about with HER.

I was fortunate to get lovely Christmas presents but what I enjoy more is seeing others opening and enjoying their presents :-)

Boxing Day was the saddest I think I have ever had. I was pretty much alone day and really didn't know what to do apart from eating rubbish - the diet starts again next week! I feel rough but when the food is there it is so hard not to eat it which is why I just don't buy it normally.

I am planning to sign up to the gym next week. I'll have more time now so thought I'd give it a go - more for the classes etc, but may try the gym to tone up, plus I'm going to get back to my walking :-)

I've cancelled and deleted all accounts with online dating sites - I really can't be bothered with the effort. I am still talking to two guys, but I expect they will fizzle out soon.

Who knows what next year will bring - but I hope it'll be fun stuff that keeps me smiling. The money side of things I'll have to figure out in the first few months and then decide what to do.

Coming up to five years

Time is a funny thing isn't it? I forgot how long it was since my ex husband split up from me. I was thinking four years so had to check on this blog to see and was shocked to discover it will be five years in about a months time since he declared he was leaving for her. Five years and I still hurt - omg how long will this go on for ? I feel I have moved on in many things but still find it painful and tearful everytime I think about him and how I miss him and what a manipulating ***** she is. I have no idea how I get over this - maybe it is just time ? Many friends have sad it took them seven years....

I'm not sleeping well at the moment - I'm dreaming about what a big mistake it is leaving my job and not having a full time job to go into. I know in my heart I want to just spend the first few months doing what I want and being a free agent but I think it's the money side that is concerning me. It's been expensive just recently with me having to spend a lot of money on my daughters car to get it through its MOT. It was just unfortunate that a whole load of key things needed doing in one go. And of course Christmas and my holiday are coming up. I've been trying to cut back on a number of things and have bought a new smaller more economical car as one of those  - a trade for my birthday which is next week.

I'm looking forward to seeing how the 'new era' goes for me but of course it is such a big change I don't know how it's going to pan out.

It's just under three weeks to my holiday in Myanmar. I'm both excited and apprehensive. I'll be sharing a room with someone, I hope they are nice and fun :-)

I've been reading an excellent book called 'The invisible woman'. A sort of autobiography  of Helen Walmsley-Johnson about her time in her 50+ years.  I can relate to so much of it.

I'm still not back on the radio as the studio s not ready. We have been told that to start we will have to record the show as he can't afford the live stream at the moment. The station needs to bring in some money first. I think I'll be moving away from a 70s only show to a more mixed format. But with my holiday coming along it may not start now till next year :-( I'm missing it !

I'm still chatting to my 'pen/phone' friend. It's nice to have someone who is not so close to your own situation to chat to. And other friends......well I think it's time to build a new network of friends. It's not that they are not friends anymore, but our paths (theirs in particular) seem to be going elsewhere and I'm not on that path. Sad really.

I'm kind of frustrated now as I feel like I'm in a bit of a suspension waiting for one era to close and the new to start. Hey ho.....

Still alone - but determined .....

Wow - I hadn't realised how long its been since I last wrote - so what has happened in the last two months ?

Work : I'm slowly winding down. I have a few bits still to transition but most of what I had responsibility for I have recently passed on. I'm sad about some of it but I need to start to be less involved and think about what I'm going to do with my life come January. I have started to use the out placement company and have had an initial conversation with a financial advisor. I'll be going on am active retirement course and a start your own business course over the next month. I hope that these will help me with making some decisions.

My mind is in a real muddle as there is so much I could do but not all of it can or is likely to be paid. I have determined that I need to earn some money to enable me to do the things I want to such as travel, theatre trips etc. etc. So what should I do ? Someone at work suggested I become a life coach - so I'm thinking on that one. I'm feeling that next year is going to be another turning point and a new phase of my life - I hope its a positive one - I'm going to do my best to make it so :-)

I still have my down times and the friend who let me down recently has done it again so I'm not going to bother anymore. I do now have a new 'pen friend' who is one of the guys I met through a dating site. He and I seem to have a great connection but we have both decided that we are not looking for a relationship just now, but we are finding it helpful to have someone understanding to chat to. I've given up with dating sites - I had a few 'dates' with guys but didn't hear back from many of them after as well as some I started to chat to on line who seem to have just stopped. I think there is something wrong with what I say or do ! Its hard knowing what to say or do when you have been out of the dating business for over 30 years. I really need to get to know someone first as a friend and the dating sites kind of set some expectations right away. I've cancelled the subscription and am not actively going on to anymore.

I've just finished a Coursera course on happiness ;-) It was a very interesting and thought provoking course.  I must get back to doing some mindfulness exercises on a regular basis.

I'm in a show again next week. I'm playing a part which involves lots of harmony singing which is a challenge for me. I've worked hard at it and was pleased when the MD said he thought I had done well, especially as he will only say so if he means it. I hope it goes well next week - its a shame tickets are not selling very well :-(

My eldest daughter moved out and into a flat with her boyfriend. Its odd not having her around but she needs to move on i her life and I understand that. My other daughter seems to be doing well with her Nursing degree and we have some great discussions and spend quality time together.

I was gutted this week to be told my booked trip to the Galapagos next year has been cancelled. This is the second time ! So I'm now on the hunt again for another trip. I am determined to go next year.

So how do I feel right now - scared, excited, chilled, thoughtful, confused, determined - but still alone....

A mixed month......

Its been a month since I last posted. It's been a month of mixed emotions.

I went to the Edinburgh fringe for a week. Stays in uni accommodation arranged by a friend and went up on the train in first class. On the trip up a gentleman aside me asked if I could help him get the live cricket on his phone, which I did. He was delighted especially as England won the Ashes :-) we all got chatting afterwards and he mentioned that he was a song writer going to Edinburgh to hear one of his new songs being played at the tattoo. He mentioned that he wrote the song Love Grows when I mentioned that I presented a radio show. He was charmimg and gave me his email address. He was Barry Madon who has written songs sung by many famous people such as Elvis, Tom Jones etc. I have since sent him a best wishes email but not had a response.

I saw some great shows at the fringe and managed to walk up Arthurs Seat ( took about two hours round trip). For some of the shows I was with one of the group I travelled up and shared accommodation with, but quite a lots of the time I was alone. Whilst I prefer to be in the company of others I'm finding that I am starting to adapt to being alone and am a little concerned that I will end up preferring it.

The Sunday after I came back was the day that my ex had arranged a family BBQ and had asked the girls to go to meet the manipulating ***** . They went for a short while but unfortunately I was on my own leaving me with my own thoughts and I got rather upset again. My youngest daughter and her boyfriend kindly came back after to spend some time with me as they knew I would probably be upset. They told me that the BBQ wasn't that good - I wonder if they said that to make me feel better?

Work is still slow but I have now decided to just let it run down over the forthcoming months and not worry about it. I am both looking forward to leaving but also scared about what it will bring. I so need to have a conversation with an outplacement coach to get my head straight. Do I retire or do I have to continue some work ? I have so many ideas and potential threads in my head at the moment.

I manage to have a frank chat with one of my friends whom I felt let me down very badly and upset me. He apologised and said it was 'his bad'. Not a lot you can do about it - but it still hurts......

I've had a terrific weekend the best for a long while. After going with my eldest daughter to see what kind of mortgage she could get and then signing her up to some letting agencies as she is unlikely to be able to afford anything yet, both my daughters and I went for tea in a posh hotel near (ish) us. It was lovely spending time chatting with the girls. I love doing things together. I wish it were more often. Following that I came home and changed into my galactic explorer costume and then picked up a friend to go to Secret Cinema - the empire strikes back 😆 oh it was so much fun being immersed in the environment. It made me realise that I should most definetly give TV and film extra work a shot once redundant. I hope some agencies will accept me when i sign up.

Today I went to a 9am yoga class. This was my third which is held in a lavender field. It was a beautiful warm morning and heavenly. My first week it was so lovely too I found myself crying ( with wonder and joy) whilst we were relaxing. The icing on the cake this week was my dance teacher form my favourite contemporary classes from a while ago was there so we caught up and chatted in old times. She doesn't teach anymore but loads of the people I used to dance with are still going to a class that she now also attends. I've so got to go along and catch up with them all. We used to have a lovely fun time together.

For lunch I met up with an ex work colleague and his wife. We had a lovely chat 😃 and then in the evening my daughter and her boyfriend sat in the living room with me . A lovely mixed weekend but with a enough spare time to catch up on housey things.

Today would have been our 33rd wedding anniversary

Today would have been our 33rd wedding anniversary and I'm feeling quite low again :-( I'm scared I'm about to go into another decline - I'm tearful again and feeling alone.

So what has happened since I last wrote ?

I have finished the play I mentioned in my previous post and so enjoyed the part - I just would have liked a week or two more rehearsal as I felt I was really getting into the part by the second to last performance. I'd love the opportunity to do it again.

I've tried the dating sites again and have chatted and met with a few guys but nothing seems to feel right. Most of them have not gone beyond a chat which fizzled out. One I met was 10 years older than he said he was. A very nice man but no spark for me. There was one guy who I really enjoyed meeting and talking to but he today has said he's realised that what he wants is to not have any other women in his life but rather nurture his relationship with his ex whom he is still best friends with. Another I met with last Sunday I've not heard back from. What I have realise is that the time is still not right for me ......

I have felt very let down by some of my close friends recently and again feel the pain of being single.

I seemed to be on the up and getting better but now I feel that I am taking some huge steps back.

I'm enjoying the radio show but we are about to move studio and have a break so I'll have a rest and a gap for a while.

I've booked myself a holiday to Burma at the end of the year - at least something to look forward to.

Work is ..... well...... sigh........ I don't feel that I am being given work appropriate for my grade and capability and am so bored. I flip flop between feeling like I am undervalued and wanting to work on something more to feeling like I have spent the last 36 years at the company working very hard with many long hours and so just let it wash over me and slowly ease out of the organisation.

I'm also unsure about what I will do after being made redundant - I'm scared that I will be unable to manage on the reduced money but have loads of ideas about what I might do. I'm both excited and scared and I have no one to talk to or share this with - I hate having to do this all alone :-(

I'm thankful that my daughters are still living with me, I don't know what I would do if I was alone......

All change again

Well I heard last week that I will be being made redundant from work on 2nd Jan 2016. Because of my age and as I'm on a final salary pension I will have to take my pension. It seems nuts that I will officially be taking my company pension in Januray next year ! I'm going to have to do a lot of thinking to decide what next..... At work I'm still not fully busy and have no idea what I am going to be asked to do. The new organisation is in place from 1st June - I already feel like I have been forgotten.

On the theatre side I've got a part in the next play which I am delighted about and found out today I also have a part in the next musical. Doing both for a few weeks will be change but keep me busy.

Sadly my holiday was cancelled so I'm trying to find an alternative which is proving tricky!

Socially I seem to be an outcast and forgotten now as all my friends do things in couples. Sometimes I am an after thought but not invited first hand to many things, so many of my weekends are quite lonely  :-( because of this I'm finding myself becoming quite reclusive and not going out at all unless it is rehearsals or radio show. It's sad that to start people are helpful and ask you out etc. but as time goes on it is assumed you are ok and just get left. I'm still the same person on my own finding it hard to be alone. I'm getting better being with my own company but still need to be wanted and loved. I know my girls love me but I don't really feel wanted any more. I'm not sure how I will feel when I finally leave work as I will have even less purpose in life.

I think I need to find some new friends, but that is easier said than done :-(

Thinking about the next stage in my life

So its Easter weekend and I've been reflecting on the things I enjoy and how I have a totally muddled mind on what I want to do. My life has changed enormously over the last four years and I feel that there are going to be more changes this year.

I've finally paid off the last payment of the divorce settlement. I am now planning to try and get the rest of the debts left to me to pay off by the end of this year.

The online dating is total rubbish - I am obviously doing something wrong or my photos are not attractive enough.....

I have expressed an interest in redundancy at work. In September I will have been there for 37 years. I don't know if it is due to the other changes in my life or because everyone gets to this point at my age, but I now find that I cannot get excited about much at work anymore. Everything just seems like more of the same, revision of wheels from over the years and very petty sad decisions and policies being made. I understand it is a business but I now feel like I don't belong there any more. I'll find out towards the end of April whether I will get redundancy. I'm sad that I feel this way as I've had so many brilliant opportunities over the years and met and worked with lots of great people. I've learnt loads.

I'm also sadly not really enjoying the theatre group so much any more for similar reasons. I feel sad about this as being there and with folk has helped me over the last few years. But again it is not the same. Whist I understand change has to happen and I usually embrace it - again I'm beginning to feel like I don't belong there anymore :-(

So what do I want ? This is where I can't settle on anything - there is so much I could do and would interest me but I can't figure out which is the right thing for me.....

I know I am really enjoying presenting on the radio and helping behind the scenes. I am learning loads and getting lots of lovely feedback. I guess it makes me feel wanted and I am enjoying the learning and doing something different.

I know I enjoy being out in the countryside, woods etc. being close to nature, out in the sun, taking photos of beautiful things. I've got to try and incorporate that more.

I know I enjoy learning things and want to do more around healthy living and using natural products (herbs, aromatherapy, foods etc.).

I know that I enjoy helping coach and teach people, especially young people - I'm currently mentoring a student on their science project - and really enjoy doing that - again I guess I feel wanted.

I know I'd like to do more with the Pyschology I have studied. A friend has pointed me to a PhD that sounds really interesting - but do I want to study again for a number of years ? It would be cool to be a Dr though :-)

I know I want to travel - there are so many places I want to go to.

I still love dancing and creating new things. I love going to the theatre, especially immersive theatre.

I know I love parties with friends.

I'm sad that I don't have a companion that enjoys, has time or money to do all these things with me. I'm lucky that I have two beautiful daughters and love their company - but they have their own lives and future to plan, so can't expect too much from them.

So my challenge is how do I get all of these things together and plan a path for the future ?? Any ideas anyone ?

Feeling unwanted and stuck

Well here we are four years and almost three months later and I find myself starting to go on a downwards spiral. It seems I am now even more lonely than before :-( Sadly everyone else has moved on and I'm still stuck. I can see now why people who seem to have recovered from something would suddenly out of the blue commit suicide. Every one gathers around. To be there for you when it first happens but recovery takes so much longer and I'm guessing it becomes too much for most friends to hang in there. Being a singleton seems to immediately make you difficult to fit in with couples.

Work has got worse - I have very little to do and despite asking over and over again for some projects/work and making my management aware I am twiddling thumbs nothing is coming my way. I am so bored...... Whilst I understand that we are going through a reorganisation and have to wait for the announcement ( next Thursday) it seems nuts that some folk are sooo busy and others are not. I feel so guilty not having anything to do. I have a gut feel that I am going to be made redundant. And while I think that is what I want I am beginning to worry about becoming a complete recluse with no real friends.

I'm loving the radio programme that I am now doing on my own, but it is very much a solitary thing.

On the whole I feel unwanted and stuck again :-(

I love my daughters dearly and they treated me on Mother's Day this weekend which was lovely. My youngest who is at university in London is planning to come and live at home for her second year. I'm looking forward to that.

Home alone

Wow it's been a whole month since I last wrote anything here. I was home alone on Valentine's day again..... I must admit I got rather fed up with all the lovey Dover stuff that everyone put on facebook. It's all very well folk wanting to declare their live for each other and showing the lovely things they got as presents, but it does make those on their own feel very unwanted :-( I did get flowers from my daughter and her boyfriend a a chocolate rose from my other daughter, but no cards......

So where am I in my life today?

Loving doing the radio show :-) it's given me something new to do and learn, new people to meet and a lot of self esteem. It's lovely to be told I sound good on the radio and today was told I had a sexy voice - lol!!!

Work - well....... I've indicated my wish for redundancy to my boss. I was surprised at how easy it was to say it, but also her reaction suggested to me that it had already been discussed at a senior level! We won't find out the planned changes until end of March early April but if they do let me go, the earliest I would probably leave is towards the end of the year. It's a scary thought but it would mean I could do more with the radio station and other things. I could travel more and also walk more. Sadly with the radio show I'm not able to walk with my group so much. I desperately need to find a way of going for walks. I have found another group but the walks are only once a month.

I took myself off to get accredited with something called Belbin. I really enjoyed doing it and further convinced me I need a change.

At the beginning of the year I started a diary where I am trying to put at least one positive thing in each day - some days it is hard to find something :-(

I found out through my sister in law that my ex husband has a wedding date confirmed for April next year.,that knocked me back a bit. It seems like one daughter thought she might of known and the other was as surprised. So something else to not look forward to...... The ex in laws apart from the one are pretty much ignoring me now. That is hard especially as I pretty much grew up with them.

I've been fortunate to be able to go and see a few shows over the last few weeks.mthat has been nice :-) and I'm dancing again in our next theatre show. I was a little disappointed that I didn't get the part I went for.

I went to a funeral of an old friend from the theatre group my ex and I met in. It was a sad occasion as she was a lovely lady but it was nice meeting with some old friends again.

I had a surprise visit from one of my nephews whom I hadn't seen for over a year - that was lovely :-)

Ho hum well life continues....oh I forgot to mention that the guy I met via the dating site is not really communicating with me anymore. We met twice and he said he'd like to meet again but nothing....I sent him a note to say that was fine but I'd prefer to know and then he sends a friendly email ignoring that. Since I responded a week ago he has not got back to me. I obviously not.very desirable......sigh :-(

Four years

Well it's been over four years now since he left. Before Christmas I was feeling so positive and suddenly I have become hyper sensitive again. I don't know why :-( I feel like I am drifting away from some of my good friends and that worries me as I don't know if it's me or them.....it could be that I started a cold on Christmas Eve and am still suffering form it so it has made me feel down.

I'm loving presenting the radio programme but it now clashes with the walking group so I'm not getting out much. I managed three walks over the Christmas period and I'm still walking around the site at work during lunchtimes, but I need more. I have to sort out how I can fit some walks in.

The radio presenting is a lot of planning and prep before the day, but I am enjoying it and learning lots.

In a mad moment over the break I joined an online dating group and have been chatting to a guy whom I have met with now. He seems very nice and brought flowers for me. Chatting to him is nice as its someone different to chat to.

Work is still troubling me - I really need a change. I think I've come to a point in my life now where it is going to go in a new direction. In some ways it's exciting but also scary.  I loved having two weeks break over Christmas.

My daughter gave us a lovely surprise by turning up unexpectedly on Friday. Lovely to have her around and my other daughter asked if I facied going away for a few days with her. I was so happy for her to ask that :-)

The ex brother in law and his wife sent invites to both my daughters to a party. Whilst I understand why they didn't invite me - it really hurts as they have not spoken to me since he left. I think they now  don't consider me part of the family which is sad having known them for so long.

Sigh .....