I just want to say thank you......

.....to all those friends who have supported me over the last 18 months or so. Some of you I don't see so much anymore - but you know who you are. My journey still has a long way to go but without you I don't think I could have survived. I feel like I am at last making some baby steps forward. I hope that I can get through the next set of challenges too.

I wondered how long it would take

Well I got the call I was dreading and then the discussion I was expecting. My husband has no money and they are is desperate straights so he wanted to know if I could buy him out of the house. So keeping to his promise that he wouldn't force the sale of the house. Whilst heis being reasonable about the amount he wants I don't have that kind of money to just give him. Anyhow we have agreed to go to the solicitor and see if we can agree some way of doing it hat helps him and gets the house in my name. If that's possible it would give some security to the girls and me. Anyhow he also did say he would want to divorce at some point too. I found that very hard. And then today I am feeling sorry for him that he has no money - why after he has done this to me ? I still don't understand why he left me and now is in this situation. If our marriage had been so bad I could understand but it wasn't. Is the new sex such a draw ? Or does she have something she is holding over him ? I guess I will never find out. How long before he realises its not what he wants. He mentioned that she was worried that she wouldn't be able to pay for a funeral if he died, so he has taken out an insurance to cover that. Why did she even think that? It's very odd. 

Anyhow before he came around to chat yesterday a fleeting thought went through my mind - what if he wants to come back. I concluded that I didn't know what I would say. Whilst before I would have had him back with open arms I'm not so sure now. I still don't like the situation I am in but I don't know if I would have him back now. Does this mean I have started to move on ?

Starting to move on...... Maybe ?

I am sitting here on my own watching the Olympics closing ceremony and bawling my eyes out - why ? Relief maybe that the work I did seemed to all go ok with no crises. Still have the Paralympics to go but all being well - fingers crossed. Having said that over the last three weeks I have been working at the weekends and also was working late at night during the opening ceremony. The last text being at 00:30. I still find it emotional talking about my husband leaving me :-( sigh ....

I am on my own quite a lot these days and am starting to get used to it a bit more now. I do worry though that I will get selfish.

I've decided that I just have to go and do things on my own if necessary. I did have tickets to the horse jumping at Greenwich and took my sister in law along. It was a lovely day :-) I've always wanted to see Ragtime the musical and it is on at regents park theatre. I tried to find someone to go with me but gave up and got one ticket just or me. It felt odd buying just one ticket. Anyhow I'm going now. It'll be a bit of an adventure as will my holiday to Ireland on my own.

It's all change at work again. My interim boss has moved on and so the senior VP is now looking after our group. He has suggested that there may be some more changes and that we'll know in September.

I've started to make some changes in the house now I guess it'll help me move on. However I was disturbed by a call received from my husband telling me  that he was applying for job seekers allowance and had been asked if he had a house, so he had to say that he joint owned the house. He assured me that he also told them that his daughters and wife were living in the house and that I was paying all the bills, mortgage and everything and that it will not be up for sale. We'll see what happens.

A friend of mine said to me recently that he thought that my husband had been targeted by the manipulating ***** , will he ever realise that ? Someone else also said it wont last. Sometimes I feel sorry for him especially as he hasn't had much luck finding a job. But why do I still feel it is my fault and I have to suffer ? I have flashes of I must start to believe in myself and allow myself a break and have fun and do things. But these are in fits and starts, maybe soon I can move on fully ?