Anger and Stupidity

The very emotional weekend is looming and I have very mixed feelings about it - both looking forward and dreading it......

Today I went with a couple of the theatre group members to a NODA (National Operatic and Dramatic Association) awards lunch and our production of The Drowsy Chaperone won both best musical and best production for our region. That was a lovely surprise as I had picked the show and there were many skeptics at the time about us doing it.

I still feel very alone and behaving in a very mixed way. Sometimes I feel like I have control again and take some positive and good steps forward doing things I have wanted to do for the last year...... and then I feel like I don't want to do anything or go anywhere - I can't be bothered to. If I didn't have work and my theatre group I would become a recluse staying in on my own all the time.

I had a crying and anger session this week - I was thinking back over the last couple of years and there were so many things that I should have noticed about my husband to make me suspicious that something was not right - but I trusted him totally. For example the manipulating ***** coming to see the show he directed when she had never been to anything before and she came to see shows he was in - she had our mutual friends in shows before but she never came. After one show I remember thinking it was odd the way she was looking at me .... and then when we went to the Edinburgh festival he was on his phone texting loads - I thought he was on facebook - he was very disengaged - but I didn't spot that - HOW STUPID HAVE I BEEN :'-( I TRUSTED HIM _ HOW AM I EVER GOING TO TRUST ANYONE EVER AGAIN ????? Did he get bored with our marriage - what could I have done differently - is it all my fault ? Or should he have said something or tried to change things for US and not fall into the greasy hands of the manipulating ***** ?

When will the hurt stop ?

Trust - does it exist ?

Its been a couple of weeks since I last posted. I think I am posting less as I feel my life is in limbo. I get up go to work (sometimes doing long hours), come home - may go to rehearsal or sit on my own doing not a lot. I find it really hard to build up the enthusiasm to do anything. If I do get out or do something I am fine.

Last Saturday I performed in a 100th anniversary concert of Titanic the Musical. It was very emotional. I stood on stage with tears streaming down my face. I think it was a combination of thinking about the people who died in that terrible tragedy and knowing that my husband directed the show in 2009 which was when his affair first started. I remember at the time of the show being surprised that the manipulating ***** had come to see it. I had never seen her at a show before. How naive and stupid I was. I thought she had come to see a mutual friend who was in it but she really came because my husband had directed it. I so trusted him for such a long time - how can I trust anyone anymore when the person you trusted wholly and would have given my life for betrays your trust ? I wonder what else he has done in the past ? Am I the only person who doesn't have any secrets or things to be ashamed of ?

In a couple of weeks I go to Germany for a long weekend to visit an old friend I haven't seen in years. I also emailed one of my cousins not expecting to hear back, but I did within 30 mins of me emailing. I am now also going to visit my four cousins and their families for a day. I haven't seen them in about 20 years. I am really nervous as I have physically changed so much and my German isn't very good anymore. Whilst I have travelled on business on my own you are well looked after with cars, business class etc. This will be the first personal trip I have done alone since I was sixteen (which it happens was to Germany to visit my cousins!). I am back to that lonely only child I was when I was younger.

I started yesterday quite well by going out and about sorting some things out. Since then I have been trying to work on my OU. It is like wading through treacle. I had planned to go on an organised walk in the woods today - I do so like the outdoors and nature, but I woke up late and couldn't drag myself out of bed. It so feels like life has no meaning or reason anymore.

I'm also trying to lose some weight. I was so good last week and didn't lose a single thing - how demotivating :-(

I feel very unwanted. As an only child I need to feel wanted and my daughters don't really need me  much anymore. No wonder I feel so alone - it feels like everyone has deserted me...........

Down down down

Feeling really down today. I've been on my own all day again and then felt very unwanted at rehearsals. Probably not so but kind of felt that some people were talking behind my back, it was an odd atmosphere even with one of my friends. I don't think I have done anything ..... That has made me feel worse. I don't feel like doing anything, don't want to go to work. Just want to hibernate again. I was starting to feel a little more positive and that has now all gone again. Back to square one, I hate the manipulating ***** she has ruined my life .

A lonely Easter

Its Easter Sunday and I am sitting here on my own, the third day of the Easter weekend alone :-( The danger when I am on my own is that I go online shopping...... so I booked myself a holiday in September - alone. It was a lot of heart searching as to whether I should or not and just went with it in the end. I'm off to Ireland on a minibus tour and will also spend a few days in Dublin - so scary, but I'll use this as an opportunity to take loads of photos and practice.

This is the first Easter I haven't put up the Easter tree that I have every year since I got married - there didn't seem much point, in fact I don't feel like it is special at all. I ended up cooking a roast for just me. My husband turned up with Easter eggs for all three of us - I didn't buy him one. He stayed and watched me eat my roast as I was just serving up when he arrived. It was all very odd and very sad.

I watched 'The Help' yesterday which was a wonderful film. I spent a lot of it crying.... in fact I've been doing a lot of that so far this weekend. Its times like this when everyone is spending time with family that it really hits you.

My eldest daughter told me last week that she is having 'a break' from her boyfriend. That made me so sad and then yesterday I discovered that his dog that had been in the family for years had died. His mum is so upset  :-(

My youngest daughter completed her first weeks training and has her first shadowing sessions next week. She got her uniform - a lovely light blue tunic that suits her very well.

I sent in my second assignment for this OU module and have already got my results back - passed with a reasonable mark. I am behind with my reading. For some reason I am finding doing this module harder than last year. I have no idea why but I just can't be bothered to do anything. I'm OK once I do, but procrastinate so much these days.

And I'm in a planting mood - I now have potatoes, onions, parsnips, lettuce and herbs planted. I have a chilli plant on the windowsill which I will put out when the weather warms up and  have cucumber and tomato plants arriving later on. Hopefully they will all grow well and I'll have some lovely fresh veg :-)

I so want to lose weight but again can't get the enthusiasm up to do anything........