The decision is made

It's been a while since my last post. Reasons being busy and going through a can't be bothered phase. So what has happened over the last month ?

I had my birthday - I went shopping with my daughters and we had a pamper at a beauty salon. It was lovely to spend some time with them both. In the evening both sets of boyfriends came around with flowers for me. I love flowers :-) it was so nice to have a houseful of 'family'. I do miss the company and often now find myself alone especially as I am not doing a show at the moment. I am working on two short OU courses to finish my degree but it has taken me a while to get enthused :-(

It is very noticeable for me that many - most - of my close friends now have new partners and so quite rightly their energy and time is spent with them. So I've been to the theatre and cinema on my own. I also visited my friend in Spain which was lovely. They are very good hosts and I was able to chill. They have invited me back next year which I will do. Maybe in feb to see the Almond blossom which is supposed to be beautiful.

I decided to file for divorce. Emotionally I don't want to do it but after another conversation with the solicitor became very clear that this is the only way I can protect the girls inheritance. My husband is in debt again so I've been giving him money but I want to ensure that once I have paid him what he said he wants he can't come back for more. He and the manipulating b***** can't manage money and I don't trust her or that she will give him so much grief that he comes back for more. When I said that to him at the solicitors he said he wouldn't . I noted that it was her that I didn't trust. Interestingly when the solicitor said to him what would you do if she asked you to get more money, he said he would say its over to her ! So how strong is this relationship ? He also eluded to the fact she was divorcing her husband and that wasn't going well plus he was thinking of going for divorce next year..... So what else could I do ?

I told his mother (by accident) as I assumed he had! I explained I didn't want it and why I was having to do it. I said I had hoped he would come back and she replied that she did too.... and then I got a note from his aunt and uncle saying that they had hoped it wouldn't come to this . They said I was still family to them regardless. I really appreciate that.

I have signed up for some more counselling as I think I am going to need it...... It's going to be strange especially as one of my OU modules is an intro to counselling. One thing that I have read recently I found interesting - it was suggested in these changing times that folk wouldn't remain in long term relationships but that as long as you had a deep relationship with someone it can change frequently.

I signed up to match.com to see what it was like but only lasted two weeks before deleting the account. I'm absolutely sure it's not for me. I'm not sure I can be bothered with a relationship any more. I'm going to stay single and become a bitter old woman :-(

Work is still busy but I've had some good feedback about the Olympics project. Despite that I know that for the last two years I have not been as focused as I would have been had this not happened. I'm cross that she and he put me in such a position.

I did attend a course which focused on all aspects of you, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. I was hoping to use this course to help me move on. I'm trying to psych myself up to make 2013 a great year for me. I'm still losing weight - slowly........but I do feel better for it.

The theatre group is really frustrating me at the moment as those folk who have created the biggest clique are trying to take on control of everything. And I seem to not be in any group anymore.

I'm trying to be more upbeat and positive. Sometimes it works and others it really doesn't. Ho hum.

Should I divorce ?

I always swore at the beginning of this change in my life that I would not be the one to divorce my husband. But having visited the solicitor again this week t seems that the best way to protect my interests and ensure that there is an inheritance for the girls I should perhaps start divorce proceedings. Speaking with a variety of friends they agree. Maybe it would help me move on but something is stopping me. In my heart  still have hope that he will return and I would still have him back - is that stupid ?

I have now managed to lose 2.5 stone in weight and folk are starting to notice :-) That makes me feel so good! Last night a chap in the pub asked me who my partner was and when I said I didn't have one he asked me how that could be possible !

I still flip flop between feeling confident and wanting to go and do things and apathy just wanting to stay at home. I'm wondering if I need to go and get some counselling to help me move on ? I have a course coming up at work that will be looking at health, and physical and emotional fitness. I'm a little scared about doing it as I'm hoping that I wont end up crying as it would be so embarrassing  On the other hand I was hoping it may help me plan some goals and move on.

I have booked a flight to go and visit my friends in Spain again and am trying to see if I can get out to Germany to see my cousins before Christmas.  also went ahead and booked myself on a weekend photography course in March next year. I'm really looking forward to that.

I had my exam for my last mandatory OU module and am now waiting for the results which I should get just before Christmas  And I had great fun performing n Pirates of Penzance. Its the first show since he left that I really enjoyed.

Anyhow must go and get ready as I am off to a friends 30th birthday fancy dress party. I'm going as Robin Hood however the costume is rather short - hope it will be OK !!!