I feel sick

I've woken up this morning and feel physically sick. It would have been our 30 year wedding anniversary. Well I guess it is because we are still married but not together. I've been trying not to think about it but its been popping up in my head over the last week. Despite it being beautiful and sunny outside which usually makes me more positive I feel really down today. I've been trying to hate him for what he has done but I still can't. I don't like what he has done to me. How could someone who loves you put you through something like this? Even just a friend wouldn't hurt you in this way. I keep trying to tell myself that but then I end up in tears because I still love him. Even after 18 months of him having gone I love him. I'm trying so hard to do new things and move on. I even tried a dating site for about three days and then got scared and deleted my account. Work though having got better for the moment is not where I want to be anymore. I'd love to find another job but I can't afford to as I have the mortgage and debts I've been left with still to pay. Maybe in a few years time. I so need a holiday ! I've even started playing the lottery to try and win loads of money - I've never done that before. I'm off to work now so hopefully that will take my mind off things for a bit.

I don't belong

Work has been manic again this week with me working long hours again. I have everything crossed that next week will be the last that I have to do that. I will be on call and I am committed to the end of the year, but I'm hoping it will be less full on and stressful. In a funny sort of way it will be sad to leave the place I have been at, but I'm also looking forward to having my life back a bit. Last weekend I finished and handed in my next assignment which was my project of 4000 words. This goes 30% towards my exam mark so I need a good mark. I had a few tears driving in this week, still can't move on :-( I got to thinking why and why I still feel so sad. I don't belong..... I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore that is why I feel so alone. I left church as I found it hard going back and I've had no sign only more rubbish. I had to be up being a governor as I couldn't do the job properly anymore and I won't do something I can't do properly and commit to. The theatre group is owing through a lot of change and I am wondering if I do want to be there anymore - but if I don't I'd be at home on my own all the time. And I so don't feel like I belong to any particular group at work anymore. The only place I feel any part of is the ou Facebook group for my module. How sad is that ! I've had glimpses this week of anger about how can he have done this to me. But I keep going back to how much I still love him..... The only thing I am looking forward to at the moment is my holiday in Ireland in September. I guess I should be thankful I have two lovely daughters, a job, a roof over my head and my health. But none of that gets to the heart :-(