Spaced out

The last two weeks at work have been hell and with no support at home and no one to talk to I don't know what to do anymore. I am on the verge of tears all the time. I'm not sure how much more I can take. I feel like no one cares anymore but I keep on smiling. Even the wonderful weather we have been having hasn't managed to make me feel good inside. In fact I am sitting in the garden now with tears rolling down my face. I managed to snatch a short chat with a good friend about the situation on Friday night but that wasn't really enough. My boss two up has texted me saying he is wondering how all of this (work issues with London 2012) is impacting me and asked me to call him the weekend. I plan to today, but how much to I tell him ? How honest can I be without sounding female and weak and risking my job ? I always thoughts was a strong person and on the whole I think I am but I need someone who can be there for me during my weak moments. I know the girls love me but now is the time in their lives they are just growing into their own relationships and I need to be strong and there for them. It's not fair for me to burden them with how I feel. Yesterday when going about getting things ready for my daughters birthday today and out for a meal with her I felt very odd. Almost like I was not really there. Just looking at myself doing these things with no feeling or purpose. I really do think I may be seeing glimpses of real clinical depression. Now comes the time to admit I have been having some councelling but that is finished and I have to apply for more. It was helping but the new times have to be between 9 and 5 and with work I can't do that. What should I do ? It's been 18 months now :-( I don't know what I need for closure and to move on maybe I never will. And the manipulating ***** has what she wants and though my husband says he cares I'm not sure he really does anymore - he is no better than her. How can humans be so horrible to each other for their own selfish purposes.

Going down again

I'm feeling very down and alone again :-( This week has been very eventful -

Monday we set up the show and had a very strange and not great technical rehearsal, so was all ready to have to complete that with the dress rehearsal on Tuesday. But that wasn't to be as the leisure centre that is adjoined to the theatre had a fire and so the theatre was closed on Tuesday and Wednesday. This meant we couldn't get in to do our dress/tech or first performance. Due to the hard work of all the theatre staff and others we were able to get in on Thursday to do a dress with audience and two shows on Friday and Saturday. Whilst I really have enjoyed my part in the show and think we have put on a good show it has all been spoiled for me due to work.

The Olympics things I have been working on came to a head this week. With just over eight weeks to go suddenly everyone has realised that they need to pay attention to the things I and my team have been saying since last August. However everyone was getting at me and making me feel like I was responsible for it all. Unlike others I have taken very little time off and by Thursday I wanted to just crash my car and end it all. It has pulled me right down again to how I was feeling last year. I just keep crying all the time and hate the thought of work and going in next week. I so want the next eight weeks to go rapidly.

One good thing did happen this week and that is my daughter returning from her trip. It was lovely to see her again after ten weeks. Both my daughters and the youngest's boyfriend came to see the show on Thursday and sent some flowers and a card to me backstage. I bawled my eyes out as the day had been so bad at work.

Once again I feel lost and despite having lots of lovely friends - very alone. Even when there are people around me I feel alone. One of the people whom I was quite friendly with seems to have found a new crowd so I feel a bit discarded. I feel like I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything and just disappear. How much longer can this go on for ? I can feel myself heading back down to the very bad places I was in last year.

My great big German adventure

I spent the weekend in Germany going back to some of my roots and childhood experience. When landing in Dusseldorf I felt quite emotional and was a little scared as to how I might react when I met My friend after around 20 years. He was my first 'sort of' sweetheart as I was only around 11 when we met in Spain one holiday. However his mother and mine stayed good friends until my mum died. I always remembered him but our own lives took over and so we never kept in contact apart from Christmas cards. But as he contacted me last year by email not long after my husband left it seemed as if fate had stepped in. He gave me a lovely hug when we met :-) I was a little worried that his wife would think I was after him, but she made me feel very welcome and I got on with her very well. I was thankful that both of their English and my very rough German meant we could talk together ok. But we did have many silences and I couldn't decide if that was due to them being generally quiet or if it was just too difficult to have a more complex discussion. It was better by Saturday evening so maybe it was just because we were getting to know each other again. My friends wife did say he didn't talk much at home. On Friday I met his mum who is now 75 years old and struggling with her health. However she hadn't changed at all, it was so nice to see her. We went shopping to Aldi and there were so any food memories for me. I must visit our Aldi and see what I can get in there. The food in general was wonderful but not helping my diet at all. The bread and salami etc. was especially good. I had perhaps too much so not looking forward to getting on the scales after having lost some weight. We spent Saturday touring the city of Dusseldorf which I had never done. I hadn't realised how historic it was and that it was such an important city in Germany. On Sunday morning I travelled by train to visit my cousins who I also hadn't seen in around 20 years. It was a very emotional couple of days. I didn't recognise my boy cousin but I did all the rest. Between them they have a large family and it was so wonderful to be with them all. They made me feel so welcome and it wasn't long before I felt like I was part of the family. My closest cousin is now a grandmother. Her daughter who is the same age as my eldest has a beautiful three year old who is so cute and my two younger cousins both have children aged 10 and 13. Sadly my closest cousin also is separated from her husband and lives alone. I felt like a celebrity as they are learning English and wanted to see and be with their English relative. At one point everyone was taking so many photos ! And the food well wow wow wow! Lots of delicious German cake, bread, schinken and frankfurters. My childhood came flooding back. I will have to work hard on the diet now. We have shared addresses, Facebook contacts, Skype info etc. and all promised to stay in touch. I plan to go back before Christmas for a German Christmas market and to see them all again. I don't know why we stopped contact over the years. I guess our respective lives took over. I am amazed how much of my German has come back to me and I mostly was able to keep up and talk :-) It is also interesting to see how they live their lives so differently to us in the UK. It seems less stressful and in some cases more enjoyable. They enjoy buying nice things but live with minimal stuff. I need a big clear out at home and to re do things in the house to make it more German....... That will help me move on I hope. I am now sitting at the airport waiting for the plane. I finished my trip with a visit to Aldi to buy some German bread and frankfurters and then went to visit my friends mother again for cake and tea. I'm lucky in that being a BA silver card holder (because of work trips) I can use the BA lounge, so I can get wireless to write and post this. When I get to the UK I have to drive back and then go straight to rehearsal. I will be shattered as I have an early start in the morning for work. This has been an adventure for me and I managed it thanks to some great people :-)